Events

Hot sexy events: January 5-11

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Strutting his stuff as the leather parade marshall in last year’s Pride festivities, Steve Ward no doubt had many thoughts relating to the thriving kink community that cavorted about him. But one of those was surely that people need a guide to this crazy wonderland. After all, many of us crave a good spanking at the hand of an experienced master — or vice versa — but often that urge has trouble translating readily into one’s role in the sex community. 

Luckily, now we have a guide. Ward is organizing a class on Tues/11 entitled “The Crooked Path: Carving out your niche in the BDSM Communities,” a one-time course that will explore the difference in roles in the BDSM community from dungeon volunteers to leaders of events, and to those that adopt leather as a lifestyle versus those that do it on the studded side. The sociology of kink? Perhaps – give it a look to learn more about your sensual stylings. And hey, what’s the rest of all this? Oh, just another week of sexy SF events.

 

Beginner’s Dungeon Class

Angela and Iain, officers in the Society of Janus and dungeon masters extraordinaires teach this primer on how to rough up and get roughed up sexily and safely. There’s an art and etiquette to the SF BDSM scene – and being Emily Post ensures you’ll have plenty of friends to play with ’til that whippin’ wrist tires and your cheeks glow red.

Thurs/6 7:30-10:30 p.m., $10-20 sliding scale

SF Citadel 

1277 Mission, SF

(415) 626-2746

www.sfcitadel.org


Urge

For all those fond of house training, this play party is meant only for those kinky menfolk under the age of 40. Think of it – 5,400 square feet of naughty necessity, stocked with the younger half of kinky society! Does it get you hard? Does it polish your leather? Indulge those urges. 

Fri/7 8-11 p.m., $25 membership required

SF Citadel 

1277 Mission, SF

(415) 626-2746

www.sfcitadel.org


Naughty Nibbles

Femina Potens has lost its clunky shoulder pads – the sexy art gallery (arty sex gallery) has shuffled off its bricks and mortar coil and, for the time being, will be holding events here and there about the sex-positive venues of SF. Tonight, they’re hosting an art-bondage melting pot in the hour before Mission Control’s lady lovin’ Pink party. Femina founder Madison Young talks shop about merging ropes and art, and FiveStar does an arty, ropesy number of her own. Art!

Fri/7 9-10 p.m., free, members only

Mission Control 

2519 Mission, SF

www.missioncontrolsf.org


Perverts Put Out

I have a lot of favorite FOX News clips, truly. Hilarity. But one of my tippy-top most near and dears has got to be its segment on Perverts Put Out, the sluttiest reading series out there. I believe it had something to do with the organization receiving a government art grant – something along those lines. The fact is, this is SF at its finest. This week, emcee Simon Sheppard welcomes the “talents” of Philip Huang, Greta Christina, and Lady Monster, among others. 

Sat/8 7:30 p.m., $10-15 sliding scale

Center for Sex and Culture 

1519 Mission, SF

(415) 552-7399

www.sexandculture.org


Military

A particular poignant night of banging studs in a bar – don’t ask don’t tell has finally been stricken off the face of the earth! Surely, this will lead to legions of gays banging down army recruitment office doors – or at least great sales numbers for Raging Stallion’s newest release, Assghanistan (current SFBG office joke de rigueur, not actual impending release, sorry). This is Chap’s military fetish uniform night, so pack your camo jock.

Sat/8 6 p.m.-2 a.m., free

Chaps

1225 Folsom, SF

(415) 255-2427

www.chapsbarsanfrancisco.com


The Crooked Path

A panel discussion of SF leather luminaries, all members eager to share with you the story of their ascent into the leather community’s leadership roles. Heading up the charge is Steve Ward, who serves on the national Leather Leadership Conference. Wondering where you fit into the wild rumpus? Here’s a great place to hear some educated opinions.

Tues/11 8-10 p.m., $20

SF Citadel 

1277 Mission, SF

(415) 626-2746

www.sfcitadel.org

 

On the Cheap Listings

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On the Cheap listings are compiled by Caitlin Donohue. Submit items for the listings at listings@sfbg.com. For further information on how to submit items for the listings, see Picks.

WEDNESDAY 29

Snowboard movie night The Riptide, 3639 Taraval, SF; (415) 681-8433, www.riptidesf.com. 9pm, free. It’s absolutely dumping on Tahoe, but you’re stuck “working” tomorrow at your “place of employment”? Square. But Riptide forgives you – in fact, the Sunset bar is hosting a night of free snowboarding movies, free snacks, and muchos drink specials. Sponsored by SFO Snowboards, you might score some free gear in their bi-monthly raffle.

THURSDAY 30

Wizard of Oz Paramount Theatre, 2025 Broadway, Oakl.; (510) 465-6400, www.paramounttheatre.com. 7Pm, $5. Honestly, five dollars just to tool around in the art deco splendor of the Paramount Theatre would be well worth your money – but once they throw in a screening of the uber-classic adventure in Weirdo Land (sorry Scarecrow, y’all are bizarre), you can hardly afford not to go. Don’t we all want to click together our ruby slippers and wish ourselves away to good, old-fashioned fun?

FRIDAY 31

Japanese New Year’s bell-ringing ceremony Asian Art Museum, 200 Larkin, SF; (415) 581-3500, www.asianart.org. 10am-2pm, free with $12 museum admission. Guarantee luck and lovin’ in 2011 with this day of art activities and traditional community ceremony. Numbered tickets, assigned on a first-come-first-served basis will be on offer if you’d like to ring the museum’s 2,100 pound, 16th century bell from the Tajima province in Japan.

Roller Disco New Year’s Eve CellSpace, 2050 Bryant, SF; (415) 648-7562, www.cellspace.org. 9:30, $10. Black Rock Roller Disco, the purveyors of a thousand scraped knees over the past 10 years at Burning Man, truck out their well-loved rink for your countdown to 2011. Tire of wheeling yourself around? Dance slightly more agilely in the back room’s new wave lounge.

Jon Sugar’s all ages rock and comedy New Year’s Eve Tikka Masala, 1668 Haight, SF; gawksf@yahoo.com. 8pm-1am, free. The founder of Gay Artists and Writers Kollective (GAWK) Jon Sugar hosts a night of actors, DJs, and alternative art of all stripes at this welcoming party for the young and old.

Vampire Tour SF Corner of California and Taylor, SF; (650) 279-1840, www.sfvampiretour.com. 8-10pm, $20. The cold ones were not an invention of Stephanie Meyer, believe it or not. In fact, vamps have been amongst us for the longest, particularly if you believe Kitty Nasarow, who loves to bring us mortals around on her immortal historical tours and claims to have been turned frigid by none other than Count D himself. Learn about the blood-suckers’ role in the creation of SF.

SATURDAY 1

Kwanzaa imani ceremony Marcus Bookstore, 1712 Fillmore, SF; (415) 292-6172. 3pm, free. The culmination to SF’s holiday celebration of unity, self-determination, responsibility, purpose, and creativity takes places at the country’s longest-operating African-American owned bookstore. The imani rite focuses on faith in one’s people, parents, teachers, and the righteousness of struggle – happy thoughts for a new year of challenges.

Victorian 12th Night Ball Masonic Lodge, 100 N Ellsworth, San Mateo; www.peers.org. 7pm, $15-20. New Year’s Eve is over, so you’ve already let it all hang out – time to cinch it back in with this Dickens-era period ball. A 7pm dance lesson will teach you all you need to know about Viennese and rotary waltzes – come in your bustled, beauteous Victorian garb to enjoy a light English buffet and dancing with the Period Events and Entertainments Re-Creation Society.

MONDAY 3

Pilates to the People The Long Haul Infoshop, 3124 Shattuck, Berk.; (510) 540-0751, www.eastbayfreeskool.wikia.com. 7-8:30pm, donations. Silly you – you thought pilates was just for MILFs who lunch and their yappy little bow-wows? The core strength-building workout can actually be a blessing for all those who are looking to build a firm center in their lives. You can check out the miracle of healthy muscles at this weekly East Bay Free Skool offering – and check out the anarcho lit at the Long Haul while you’re at it.

TUESDAY 4

“Feast of Words” literary potluck SOMArts Cultural Center, 934 Brannan, SF; (415) 863-1414, www.feastofwords.eventbrite.com. 7-9pm, $5-12. Just right to take the edge off of your holiday come down: a foodie-writer potluck to which you must bring edibles, readables, or both. The evening’s program includes a talk by writer Faith Adiele, snacks from Canvas Underground, and a quick write competition based around the theme of “blurred identity.”

Psychic Dream Astrology

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Dec. 29-Jan. 1

Mercury Retrograde is over on the 30th.

ARIES

March 21-April 19

There may be some loss that you’re dealing with, or one that’s brewing. Create closure this week with what was and inject life into your hopes for what can be. Release attachments in exchange for a better year.

TAURUS

April 20-May 20

Forget making a mad dash to this years’ finish line with everything all tidily packaged up. Reflect on where you have happiness in your life and where you need it — and then bring that wisdom with you into 2011.

GEMINI

May 21-June 21

How about an end of the year cleanse? Clear out all the distractions and obstacles to the good vibes you’ve got around (and inside!) you. Make sure you don’t repeat the mistakes of ’10 in 2011, and start on it today.

CANCER

June 22-July 22

To create the kind of life you really want, you have to be willing to change some things up. Exit 2010 meditating on the concept of creativity. If you’re not approaching your life with it, stress will rein in your New Year.

LEO

July 23-Aug. 22

Put your dick back in your pants, Leo. Make sure your ego is yer buddy and not a little soldier wrecking havoc on your life. They say “pride comes before a fall,” and you should think on that this week. End 2010 with humility.

VIRGO

Aug. 23-Sept. 22

Reflect on where you made progress this year and where you sat in mental limbo, rehashing ideas and events. Promise to make 2011 your year for active reflection and mobilization. Self-inflicted pain be gone!

LIBRA

Sept. 23-Oct. 22

There is no excuse for stewing on things till you blow a fuse. Say what needs to be said so you can let the past can stay right where it belongs (behind you). Envision new beginnings for a New Year.

SCORPIO

Oct. 23-Nov. 21

Get yourself together, pal, lest you start ’11 with bad vibes. Fear is a hound that will sniff you out if you’re not careful. Instead of focusing your energy on worries, think decisively about what you choose.

SAGITTARIUS

Nov. 22-Dec. 21

The thing about opportunity is that crappy ones sometimes yield the best results and seemingly awesome ones can turn bad on you in a second! Know yourself well enough to see chances for growth in 2011.

CAPRICORN

Dec. 22-Jan. 19

If you’re too focused on your end game you’ll miss the point, Cap. The Universe wants you to take responsibility without guilt trips or blame games. Put that in your 2011 pipe and smoke it.

AQUARIUS

Jan. 20-Feb. 18

If you were to have a serious talk with yourself it should go like this: “Aquarius, you are awesome, but there’s some stuff in our relationship that isn’t working for me. Let’s promise to get along better in 2011.”

PISCES

Feb. 19-March 20

Make sure the fun and games you pursue in the New Year have a soul and a conscience, Pisces. Avoid anxiety and pain by doing the right thing by your own standards, even if it’s less exciting. 

Jessica Lanyadoo has been a Psychic Dreamer for 16 years. Check out her website at www.lovelanyadoo.com or contact her for an astrology or intuitive reading at (415) 336-8354 or dreamyastrology@gmail.com.

 

Alerts

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steve@sfbg.com

FRIDAY, DEC. 31

 

Critical Mass

Pedal your way toward a strong finish of 2010 by taking part in Critical Mass, a monthly San Francisco tradition for more than 15 years. As always, this leaderless group bicycle ride follows no set route and obeys no traffic laws or authorities, except yielding to pedestrians and emergency vehicles. This month, a group of anarchists (marked with black flags or other variations on that theme) plans to end up in the Mission District liberating a public space for a DIY New Year’s Eve celebration, so look out for that if that’s your bag.

6 p.m., free

departs from Justin Herman Plaza

Market and Embarcadero, SF

www.sfcriticalmass.org

MONDAY, JAN. 3

 

The next mayor?

In order to finally facilitate a public discussion of who San Francisco’s next mayor should be and how the prospective nominees would run the city, the Harvey Milk LGBT Democratic Club is sponsoring a forum for mayoral hopefuls. Club members have been concerned about the lack of public process for replacing Mayor Gavin Newsom (see “Mayoral dynamics,” Dec. 22), so they’ve invited the top candidates — including former Mayor Art Agnos, Sheriff Michael Hennessey, SFPUC head Ed Harrington, and others — to share their vision for 2011 and beyond. The event is cosponsored by SEIU Local 1021 and moderated by Guardian Executive Editor Tim Redmond.

6 p.m., free

SF LGBT Center

1800 Market, SF

www.milkclub.org

TUESDAY, JAN. 4

 

Newsom’s last stand

Join the outgoing San Francisco Board of Supervisors for its final scheduled meeting — and the final opportunity for the current board to select Mayor Gavin Newsom’s successor before the newly elected board takes over Jan. 8. At press time, Newsom was still threatening to delay his Jan. 3 swearing-in as California’s new lieutenant governor to prevent the current board from replacing him, so come see how that drama plays out and weigh in with your thoughts.

2 p.m., free

Room 250, City Hall

1 Dr. Carlton B. Goodlett Dr., SF

www.sfbos.org

WED. JAN. 5

 

Chris Daly Roast

We don’t usually list events for the following week’s paper, but this is one that lovers and haters of outgoing Sup. Chris Daly — which pretty much describes most San Franciscans — will want to mark on their calendars. The classic roast features John Burton, Aaron Peskin, Carolyn Tyler, and Dan Noyes, with Mistresses of Ceremonies Melissa Griffin and Beth Spotswood.

8 p.m., $20 (benefits St. James Infirmary ), or $5 after 10 p.m.

The Independent

628 Divisadero, SF.

Mail items for Alerts to the Guardian Building, 135 Mississippi St., SF, CA 94107; fax to (415) 437-3658; or e-mail alert@sfbg.com. Please include a contact telephone number. Items must be received at least one week prior to the publication date.

 

Hot sexy events: December 29-January 4

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“Scott and I wanted to create an adult playground that wasn’t just some hedonistic, narcissistic freefall into the apocalypse.” Co-founder Polly Superstar is ready to celebrate a decade of Mission Control‘s swingin’ good times at the play space (which she founded with hubby Baron Scott Levkoff)’s NYE party-ten year anniversary soiree Fri/31. 

But first, a look back. “We wanted a place where people could feel safe exploring their sexuality without the rigidity of the BDSM scene, and without the expectation and pressure of the swinger scene.” And so MC’s been throughout the aughts: a land where art, sex, and hell yeah, theme parties, have been coming together to the greater glory of SF’s freaky, funky pansexual scene.

Superstar’s pumped about her brand’s expansion into Austin and her hometown of London – and between her, me, and you, there’s more to come. Try club openings in New York, Copenhagen, and Krakow, a how-to book on throwing your own sex party – and at the SF location kinksters have grown to bone and love, a 2011 event that will focus on ritual and sexuality and be hosted by Francesca Gentile (who has led similar rituals at MC events in the past). So pop them bottles, SF – spend your midnight with the Mission Control freaks, or sample some of the other tasty sex events on the NYE buffet line. 

 

 

NYE at Mission Control 

This new year marks a decade of ooo’s and ah’s done pansexual style at Mission Control – so what better way to show your thanks for their sexy play space than by attending their NYE bash? Onstage lineup includes spoken word artists Baraka and We Are The Unreal, as well as burlesque (and boylesque) artists, DJs, and an appearance by the dreaded, orgasm-stealing Coq Blok! Party in the front, sexy time in the back (rooms).  

Fri/31 10 p.m.-3 a.m., $35-40 members only

Mission Control 

2519 Mission, SF

www.missioncontrolsf.org


Lusty New Year

Watch them balls drop! Your favorite unionized strip club is open for business as 2011 comes a’knockin’. And, unlike the rest of the NYE heap, they’re not charging a cover! Amazing, isn’t it – ladies who are respected on the job ready and waiting to show you their naughty bits, dance on your lap – they’re even down for a bit of foot worship. Wanna break (or make) some early resolutions?

Fri/31 11 p.m.- 3 a.m., free

Lusty Lady

1033 Kearny, SF

(415) 391-3991

www.lustyladysf.com


Steamworks New Year’s Toast

Bring NYE in with a bang! (How many puns can I wring out of this holiday? Let’s find out!) Yes indeed, Steamworks encourages you to put on your new year’s best, then strip it all off and shoot your (champagne!) spume across the room in celebration. The bath house is calling in the help of DJ Frank Wild, plus they’re showing the Times Square festivities on their mega 60-incher in the lounge. Wait, there’s a TV in the Steamworks lounge? Now you know.

Fri/31 10 p.m.- 1 a.m., 

Steamworks

2107 Fourth St., Berk.

(510) 845-8992

www.steamworksonline.com

 

Fuggedaboutit

Most of the strip clubs in town are investing in oversized martini glasses to stick their girls in, but Centerfolds has a slightly different take on NYE: why don’t get the patrons to dress up in ridiculous costumes this time? To that end, their Sopranos-themed evening, Fuggedaboutit. Discounts for wise guy costumes at the door, hourly giveways of TLC from the ladies onstage, and of course, free Italian all-you-can-eat courtesy of Pizelle Pizza.

Fri/31, $10 with mobster costume

Centerfolds

391 Broadway, SF

(415) 834-0662

www.centerfoldsf.com


Power Exchange New Year’s Eve Ball

A little flogging play with your bubbly, ma’am? ‘Tis the season to hook up with randoms – and lucky you, you’ve got the Power Exchange so that you don’t have to spend a moment with the teases and prudes at most of the city’s bars and clubs. Dust off your leather best, polish up your seduction game, and head to one of SF’s best known BDSM spaces.

Fri/31 8 p.m.-2 a.m., $20 single women and trans, $40 couples, $60 men

Power Exchange 

74 Otis, SF

(800) 916-2513

www.powerexchange.com

 

Hot sexy events December 22-28

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Santa was a freak. Think on it: he gets around by whipping those reindeers’ tender flesh (hello, dom), sneaks in your house at night to kiss your mama, and has a bizarre obsession with whether you’ve been naughty or nice. To me, that sounds like… well someone who reads this column, that’s all. And it very much clears up Chaps’ much-heralded holiday hours (on Fri/24 and Sat/25 they’re open from 8 p.m.-late). Would you like to sit on Santa’s lap? Get cruisey, all you ho-ho-hoes — it’s Christmas time for the weekly sex events.

 

Good Vibes customer appreciation nights

So it’s… now, and you still haven’t touched that waiting list of those-to-be-gifted? Worry not, my like-minded friend, for Good Vibrations is encouraging your wacky, irresponsible ways with their last minute shopping events, which will put chocolates and wine into your holiday hands, as well as provide on-staff sex experts to counsel you on just the right vibrator for your sweet, self-lovin’ friends.

Weds/22 and Thurs/23 6-8 p.m., free

Good Vibrations

Various Bay Area locations

www.goodvibes.com


Kinky Knitters

‘Tis the season to knit something sexy! A Rosebud red crocheted teddy perhaps? Or maybe just a beanie large enough to pull over lover boy’s eyes for some sexy blindness play? The options are multitudinous at the weekly stitch and bitch at kinky coffee shop Wicked Grounds. Ideal topics for discussion: Tensile strength of various yarns and the hottest new adjustable harness sewing pattern.

Thurs/23 7-10 p.m., free

Wicked Grounds 

289 8th St., SF

(415) 503-0405

www.wickedgrounds.com


Center for Sex and Culture XXXmas Eve Film Night

Fun fact: in 2003, Moby made Alien Sex Party, a sex-positive, raunchy comedy starring the cast of a sex store who have got to keep it together through Christmas Eve, despite kooky customers and the occasional K-Y jelly eating alien. CSC shows the film at this time each year – trust, by the time the characters launch into the “You Can Have Sex With Whatever You Want” number, you’ll be singing along in fine Christmas spirit.

Fri/24 9:30-11 p.m., $5-20 sliding scale

Center for Sex and Culture

1519 Mission, SF

(415) 552-7399

www.sexandculture.org


The movie Moby only made so that he could rock that floppy dildo headband

Dee’s Meander

Sure, that frosted sleighbell tastes fine now, but the next time you’re tied to the St. Andrews cross, you might be surprised at how you’re bulging out underneath the lovingly applied rope your partner just lashed all over you. Time to stretch those legs. This regular walk is geared towards giving the BDSM community a chance to get physically fit and have some uplifting convos about sex play while doing so.

Fri/24 4-5 p.m., free

Bestor Art Park

Bestor between 5th and 6th Sts., San Jose

www.erobay.org


Chaps Bar Escape

Like I said, this bar is proudly open through the holidays, so if you’re looking to flee the warmth and wackiness of the fam for a few hours, you could do worse than to don your hottest jock strap and head down to Chaps to lick some candy canes.

Fri/24 and Sat/25 8 p.m.-late, free

Chaps

1225 Folsom, SF

(415) 225-2427

www.chapsbarsanfrancisco.com

 

Ma seeks to ban raves in latest War on Fun offensive

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Someone needs to tell Assembly member Fiona Ma that the ’90s – with its myopic War on Drugs mentality, ascendant rave scene, and chest-beating “tough on crime” political one-upsmanship – are over, even though we’re still paying that era’s bills. Because Ma just introduced AB 74, which seeks to bans raves in California.

Why now? Well, her website says this “historic legislation” was written “on the heels of recent drug-related tragedies in Los Angeles and the Bay Area,” referring to three drug-related deaths at two events last May and June. And even though the same statement claims “attendance at raves can range from 16,000 to 185,000 people,” Ma somehow thinks that a few overdoses justifies a broad ban on dance parties (although she pointedly exempts live concerts, for reasons she doesn’t explain, even though the exact same argument can be made about concerts).

As a representative from the vibrant city of San Francisco, Ma (who did not return our calls for comment) is an embarrassment, taking the already-regressive War on Fun efforts by so-called “moderate” politicians to a new low. But unfortunately, the effort to ban public dance parties has already gained traction at the federal level with provisions of the long-controversial RAVE Act – promoted by top Democrats as well as Republicans — finally sneaking their way onto the books last year.

And now, Ma wants to get into the act, as always seeking to curry favor with the cops in the process (not to mention the alcohol industry, a prime funder of the War on Drugs and the ambitions of its political foot soldiers such as Ma). If they get their way, nothing short of our basic constitutional right of freedom of assembly is at risk, and that should be of concern to people of all ideological stripes.

Appetite: Revisit Studio 54 at Burritt Room’s NYE party

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There are many, many party options for New Year’s Eve this year, but one of my favorite cocktail spots is hosting an event that seems particularly appealing to those with adventurous taste (and tastebuds) …

It’s Dec 31, 1977. Enter the iconic Studio 54 decked out in your most stylish pantsuit, hair flowing and free. Sip cocktails by a life-sized unicorn sculpture made of ice before heading to the dance floor to strut your best disco moves. Four tons of glitter drop from the ceiling creating a shimmering moment Studio 54 owner Ian Shrager later called “standing on stardust.” Movie set or imaginary party? Not this New Year’s Eve. Hosted by the fabulous Bon Vivants, S.O.S. 2011 takes place in the seductive Burritt Room with the magic re-created, sans four tons of glitter (the unicorn will be there, however).

If you’ve ever been to a Bon Vivants party, you know they are classy, exuberant, unforgettable events (recall my recap of the Cocktail Carnival Gala they hosted at this year’s SF Cocktail Week). Wear your best disco-chic and come for a respite from overcrowded, obnoxious NYE parties elsewhere (a value I truly appreciate at Vivants events).

Dance the new year in 1970’s-style to the disco sounds of DJ Bus Station John (trust us, it wont be the same tunes you’ve heard a million times), savor four of Josh Harris and Scott Baird’s signature cocktails, all-night bites from Trick Dog chef Chester Watson, and a midnight champagne toast (all included in ticket price). The event will sell out soon so jump on tickets now. See you there under the disco ball.

December 31, 9pm-2am

$85/ticket, includes 4 signature cocktails, champagne, food
The Burritt Room at the Crescent Hotel
417 Stockton Street
*Discount packages offered for ticket & hotel room combinations: $250 – 2 tickets + standard hotel room; $300 – 2 tickets + hotel suite

Tickets available at www.brownpapertickets.com/event/139468

–Subscribe to Virgina’s twice monthly newsletter, The Perfect Spot

Chickpeas and kugel: two recipes for a very veggie Christmas

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I started seeing retail sales around town marked “last minute Christmas shopping events” a week and a half ago – who are these freakish people that think two weeks is not enough time to score trinkets for one’s loved ones? 

I hereby present to you two holiday recipes from the hottest new vegan and vegetarian on the market — with the explicit reminder that you have ample time to prepare them before a nice Friday night ‘neath the Christmas tree, clutching bowls of chickpea piccata and vegan kugel, and munching in time to a bangin’ holiday mix. Oh wait, I didn’t get a tree yet either. No matter baby — we got nothing but time.

And our favorite veggie Thanksgiving recipes can make the kitchen scene this weekend too! No one has to know that their stomach’s time continuum is being shifted… 

 

Vegan kugel with broccoli rabe and chanterelles

From Jenn Shagrin’s Veganize This! (Da Capo, 256 pages, $19) 

Hey goy! The Jews know what’s good when it comes to festive comfort food recipes. Kugel’s a big, sweet mess of noodles – perfect for your big, sweet mess of loved ones (or just for you if that’s the extent of your wolf pack).

Serves 6

1 (1-pound) package egg-less noodles

1⁄2 pound broccoli rabe

6 tablespoons (3⁄4 stick) vegan margarine

1 clove garlic, minced

1 large yellow onion, diced

1 cup chanterelle mushrooms, cleaned well

1 (12-ounce) package extra firm tofu

1 cup vegan sour cream

1 1⁄2 cups vegan scrambled eggs (page 27)

2 teaspoons kosher salt

Freshly cracked black pepper

Preheat the oven to 350°F, and grease a 9 by 13-inch baking dish.

Cook the noodles in a large pot of salted water until just al dente, then rinse with cold water and toss with a touch of cooking oil to prevent sticking.

Prepare an ice bath (a large bowl of ice water), and set aside.

Bring a medium-size pot of salted water to a boil, drop in the rabe, and allow to cook for 2 minutes. Drain the rabe, then plunge immediately into the ice bath. Drain well again and set aside.

Melt 2 tablespoons of the margarine in a large skillet over medium-high heat, then add the garlic. Sauté for 30 seconds, then add the onion and sauté until almost translucent. Add the rabe and chanterelles and sauté for another 4 to 5 minutes. Remove the pan from the heat and set aside to cool.

In a food processor, blend the tofu and crème fraîche until mixed well. Don’t overprocess; there should still be tiny pieces of whole tofu visible.

Using a spatula, transfer the sautéed vegetables to a cutting board. Use a sharp knife to chop roughly. In a large bowl, combine the vegetables, tofu mixture, and all the rest of the ingredients except for the cooked noodles. Once mixed well, stir in the noodles and transfer to the prepared pan. Bake for 50 to 60 minutes, until the top is browned and the center is firm.

 

 

Chickpea piccata

From Isa Chandra Moskowitz’s Appetite For Reduction (Da Capo, 336 pages, $19.95)

Another great vegan recipe that you only need a half hour to create from start to finish – heads up, procrastinators! Chickpea piccata looks fancy, is a great source of fiber, and the little peas are great at helping you detoxify sulfites (preservatives that are found in a lot of processed food, particularly salad dressings).

Serves 4 

1 teaspoon olive oil

1 scant cup thinly sliced shallots

6 cloves garlic, sliced thinly

2 tablespoons bread crumbs

2 cups vegetable broth

1/3 cup dry white wine

A few pinches of freshly ground black pepper

A generous pinch of dried thyme

1 (16-ounce) can chickpeas, drained and rinsed

1/4 cup capers with a little brine

3 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice

4 cups arugula

Preheat a large, heavy-bottomed pan over medium heat. Sauté the shallots and garlic for about 5 minutes, until golden. Add the bread crumbs and toast them by stirring constantly for about 2 minutes. They should turn a few shades darker.

Add the vegetable broth, wine, salt, pepper, and thyme. Turn up the heat, bring the mixture to a rolling boil, and let the sauce reduce by half; it should take about 7 minutes.

Add the chickpeas and capers and let heat through, about 3 minutes. Add the lemon juice and turn off the heat.

If you’re serving the piccata with mashed potatoes, place the arugula in a wide bowl. Place the mashed potatoes on top of the arugula and ladle the piccata over the potatoes. The arugula will wilt and it will be lovely. If you are serving the piccata solo, just pour it right over the arugula.

Alerts

0

news@sfbg.com

WEDNESDAY, DEC. 22

Floyd Westerman Retrospective

You may remember him for his role in “Dances with Wolves” as Chief Ten Bears and as a country western singer/songwriter. But Floyd Westerman, a.k.a. Red Crow, was also an outspoken activist for Native Americans and the environment. A new documentary by Steve Jacobson explores his later life and activism. Along with the film, there will also be a social hour at 6:30 and a discussion following the film.

7:30–9:30 p.m., $5 suggested donation

Humanist Hall

390 27th St., Oakl.

510-681-8699

Real Mercantile Holiday Bazaar

If you still have some holiday shopping to do and just can’t summon the will to hit the stores or feed the machine, you can get some great stuff while supporting the local arts community and underground economy at the Real Mercantile Holiday Bazaar. held at arts impresario Chicken John spacious home and performance space. Homemade gifts and food are all available in a festive and very San Francisco atmosphere.

5–9 p.m., free

Chez Poulet

3359 Cesar Chavez, SF

www.therealmerchantile.com

THURSDAY, DEC. 23

Festivus 2010

San Francisco’s legendary Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence and pot activist Ed Rosenthal’s Green Aid unite to present a night of fundraising for the Medical Marijuana Legal Defense and Education Fund. The bash features an airing of grievances, feats of strength, the annual meeting of Dessert First Club, and live music and entertainment including The Phat Fly Girls and burlesque. Creative dress and cross-dressing encouraged.

7:30–11:30 p.m., $50 presale, $60 at door

SomArts

925 Brannan, SF

415-515-7483

SUNDAY, DEC 26

Get Your Spawn On

Join Brent Plater on a stroll through Muir Woods National Monument to learn more about coho and steelhead salmon and how to help them survive. The walk also features a search for endangered salmon in Redwood Creek. Make sure to wear something warm and bring your hiking boots.

10–12 p.m., free with RSVP

Meet at the Dipsea Trail trailhead

Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley

www.wildequity.org/events/3166

TUESDAY, DEC 28

Castro Queer-in

Join concerned local resident ins protesting the recently passed sit/lie ordinance more formally known as Proposition L. Bring out any and all musical instruments, games, food to share, face-painting kits, and any items to barter. Everyone will gather outside of Harvey Milk’s former camera store.

Noon–2 p.m., Free

575 Castro

Mail items for Alerts to the Guardian Building, 135 Mississippi St., SF, CA 94107; fax to (415) 437-3658; or e-mail alert@sfbg.com. Please include a contact telephone number. Items must be received at least one week prior to the publication date.

Look forward in anger

0

arts@sfbg.com

HAIRY EYEBALL/YEAR IN ART The year in art is ending on a note both sour and defiant. On Nov. 30, Smithsonian Secretary G. Wayne Clough, caving to criticism voiced by conservative politicians and religious groups, ordered the removal of David Wojnarowicz’s 1987 video A Fire in My Belly from the National Portrait Gallery’s exhibition “Hide/Seek: Difference and Desire in American Portraiture.” It was a cowardly decision; one that ultimately has undermined the credibility of Clough and his institution.

It’s unfortunate that it took an act of censorship to get art — specifically, art by an openly gay artist responding to the darkest hours of the AIDS crisis — back into the national conversation, but the chorus of condemnation coming variously from journalists and critics, art museum associations, and even The New York Times editorial page, has helped to do just that.

Additionally, Wojnarowicz’s piece, which was uploaded to Vimeo by his estate and New York’s PPOW Gallery soon after it had been taken down in Washington, D.C., has undoubtedly been seen by more viewers in the past month than it had at the Smithsonian, or perhaps even in past installations (as of writing this column, the uploaded version has received more than 18,000 views).

This will probably continue to be the case as more galleries and museums across the country, in an impressive show of institutional solidarity, screen and/or install A Fire In My Belly. Locally, SF Camerawork and Yerba Buena Center for the Arts held screenings earlier this month. Southern Exposure will continue to show the piece through mid-February, and SFMOMA is scheduled to screen the full-length version of the video in early January.

While I agree with Modern Art Notes’ Tyler Green that SFMOMA’s commitment to screen A Fire in My Belly is “a turning point” in this whole debacle (New York’s four biggest art museums have remained silent on the matter), I find his characterization of SFMOMA as “America’s most conservative, play-it-safe modern-and-contemporary art museum” a bit harsh. Certainly, this year’s recently revealed SECA winners — three of whom, it must be noted, have been past Goldie recipients, including 2010 winner Ruth Laskey — attest to the fact that, for every groaner of an exhibit (“How Wine Became Modern,” anyone?), SFMOMA is also committed to supporting artists whose work cannot be dismissed as “play-it-safe.” For starters, the memory drawings of Colter Jacobson, one of this year’s SECA winners, certainly fall along the continuum of queer portraiture displayed in “Hide/Seek.”

This is not to encourage wishful thinking. While it’s hard to imagine a San Francisco art institution doing something along the lines of the Smithsonian, I don’t think anyone expected a reignition of decades-old culture wars, let alone in the very city where the Corcoran Gallery infamously canceled a Robert Mapplethorpe exhibit in 1989. The shorter our cultural memory, it seems, the greater is our propensity to repeat the lowest moments of our history.

So, over the past few weeks, I’ve been going over the works, exhibits, and events that I was thrilled did happen here, all glorious reclamations of our Convention and Visitors Bureau’s tagline, “Only in San Francisco.” Here is an in no way complete rundown of some of the art I didn’t cover in this column for a variety of reasons (scheduling conflicts, in-the-moment preference, critical laxity), save for the works themselves.

 

L@TE, BERKELEY ART MUSEUM, MOST FRIDAY NIGHTS

Turning staid-by-day museums into hip nightspots for hip young folks has been the hip thing for institutions to do for some time now. Thankfully, the Berkeley Art Museum knows how to do it right. Skip the catered canapés and light show, and focus on programming that is truly varied and more often than not, locally-minded — from Terry Riley celebrating his 75th to Xiu Xiu frontman Jamie Stewart improvising film soundtracks, from performance artist Kalup Linzy singing dirty love songs to outré Mexican B cinema— all for next to nothing.

 

CARINA BAUMANN, UNTITLED (2) (2008-09), 2ND FLOOR PROJECTS, JAN.–FEB.

At first I couldn’t see the woman’s face in Carina Baumann’s Untitled (2). I stared into the slate-like surface (actually, translucent white film developed on aluminum), incrementally adjusting my height, until the blackness stared back. The effect was not one of shock, as with the mirrors at the end of Disney’s Haunted Mansion ride, in which the holographic undead crowd in with your reflection. Baumann’s art asks for patience and slow adjustment, and in return, regifts your sense of sight.

 

“SUGGESTIONS OF A LIFE BEING LIVED,” SF CAMERAWORK, SEPT.–OCT.

Perhaps most germane to the issues about queerness, identity politics, and representation now being raised (again) by Wojnarowicz-gate and the “Hide/Seek” exhibit, this group show put together by Chicago-based curator Danny Orendorff and SF native Adrienne Skye Roberts took “queerness” out into the desert, helped it cast off the much-tattered coat of identity politics, and asked a group of artists, activists, and filmmakers to record its unfettered visions of things to come (many of which, as the resulting work testified to, are being lived out right now).

 

MATT LIPPS, “HOME,” SILVERMAN GALLERY, APRIL-JUNE; R.H. QUAYTMAN, “NEW WORK,” SFMOMA, THROUGH JAN. 16, 2011

Although Matt Lipps is a photographer and R.H. Quaytman is a painter, they tweak their respective mediums in these unrelated shows to arrive at a similar kind of flat sculpture, which flickers between abstract prettiness and representational heavy-lifting. Lipps’ densely layered photographs of assemblages — in which variously colored photographs of domestic interiors, cut into facets and taped back together to form the original image, become backdrops for cut-out reproductions of Ansel Adams landscapes — collapse foreground and background, personal space and photographic history. Quaytman, working in dialogue with the poetry of Jack Spicer and SFMOMA’s photo archive, silk-screens images from the museum’s holdings onto beveled, wooden panels of various sizes, augmenting them with flashes of Easter eggs-like color and glittering crushed glass.

 

ERIK SCOLLON, “THE URGE,” ROMER YOUNG (FORMERLY PING PONG), JULY–AUG.

Although nothing will top his porcelain casts of assholes that littered Ping Pong Gallery like so many discarded sand dollars for the 2009 group show “Live and Direct,” Eric Scollon’s more recent solo exhibit at the gallery, “The Urge,” continued to queer form and function. The 50 or so small porcelain works, painted in the blue and white style of Dutch Delftware and arranged in pun-laden groupings, smartly played off ceramics’ dual cultural status as both a “fine art” and kitsch object, while throwing shade at modern art’s conflicted relationship to ornament. Speaking of which, if only I had a Scollon for my tree.

 

ANDY DIAZ HOPE, “INFINITE MORTAL,” CATHARINE CLARK GALLERY, THROUGH JAN. 1, 2011

Diaz Hope’s dazzling sculptures owe as much to his engineering background as to, as he puts it in an e-mail, a “revisiting of childhood thoughts about mortality and infinity.” Their mirrored, crystalline exteriors yell “Gaga!” but once immersed in their kaleidoscopic guts, they are, much like Yayoi Kusama’s infinity boxes, meditation chambers built from carnival ride components. Simply beautiful stuff.

Scrooge you can use

0

caitlin@sfbg.com

CULTURE/ALT-XMAS At some point this December, my holiday spirit failed to launch. It’s strange in a way — I love gluttony, formal wear, time with loved ones, and the Latino church procession I saw going down South Van Ness Avenue the other day gave me a little shiver of happiness (not to mention the purple lights bedecking kink.com’s Armory). But I just don’t want to do the tree, the presents, the pressure. Really, this list of Xmas week alternative activities is for me as much as anyone, which I hope means I still get to do the mistletoe thing.

 

OPTION ONE: HEAD FOR THE HILLS

You ain’t got shit to do, so why not take your melancholy and foist it on nature? The recent spate of rain may make for a wet winter wonderland, but that should suit misanthropes just fine. Wear your best raincoat and mittens and you’ll be snug as the baby JC in his manger.

Where to go? The No. 76 Muni bus can get you to the Marin Headlands Recreational Area (remember, the buses run on the holiday-Sunday schedule on the 25th , check www.511.org for times) where foul weather makes for thrilling, wind-whipping hikes about the hills to the north of Golden Gate Bridge. Or you can take advantage of the greenery within city limits. Glen Canyon Park’s many trails are an excellent place to wait out the tinsel and treacle, as are the startlingly beautiful red rocks jutting out over the city in Corona Heights Park and the idiosyncratic bison paddock in Golden Gate Park.

Bonus round: get your conservation on the day after Christmas in Muir Woods with a free hike called “Get Your Spawn On: Searching for Endangered Salmon.” The hike will take you on a hunt for salmonids and reveals how we can help the fishies swim their way back into species security. (Meets at Muir Woods Dipsea Trail Trailhead, Mill Valley. (415) 349-5787, www.wildequity.org. 10 a.m.–noon, free with $5 park entrance fee)

 

OPTION TWO: GET A LITTLE CULTCHA IN YA

Sure, many of our venerable cultural institutions stay away from organizing events over the holiday weekend. But with only a small amount of searching, you can dig up the brave souls who see no reason to halt their arty trot on account of jingle bells. These include Yerba Buena Center for the Arts, which will be celebrating Dec. 24 with part one of its two-part exhibition “Audience as Subject,” a multimedia exploration of crowd behavior. Filmmaker Stefan Constantinescu will screen Troleibuzul 92 (2009), an examination of reactions to a planted actor on a crowded bus making abusive phone calls to his “girlfriend,” and visual and video artists investigate variations on the theme. (Yerba Buena Center for the Arts, 701 Mission, SF; (415) 978-2700, www.ybca.org. Noon, $7.)

If self scrutiny’s not your jam, head to the Contemporary Jewish Museum on Christmas Day, where free admission all day means that you can save your bones for New Year Eve’s and still check out the work of H.A. Rey and Margret Rey, the husband and wife who created Curious George. The couple just barely managed to smuggle the early sketches of George (and themselves) in their escape from the Nazi invasion of Paris, which they accomplished by bicycle. The drama might explain George’s penchant for close calls and saving the day. Kind of makes that cycling slog through this week’s foul weather seem less onerous, no? (Contemporary Jewish Museum, 736 Mission, SF; (415) 655-7800, www.thecjm.org. Open 11 a.m.-5 p.m.)

 

OPTION THREE: GET IT ON FILM

Going to the movies on Christmas has long been the treasured territory of awkward family gatherings, and with the mega-release of Tron: Legacy (playing at various Bay Area theaters) you can take it to the third dimension! Why talk about each others’ lives when you can plop down in the Castro Theatre with a tub of popcorn, affix 3-D glasses to your face and zone … out … for two hours and seven minutes? Hell, you can even skip the fam-fam and bring your girl Mary Jane, because this is one flick that promises to look real cool with a side of herb — soundtrack, acting, and plot notwithstanding.

And there’s no need to be a lonely anime geek by the Christmas tree. Bebop Nights, the recurring get-together of cult classic TV show Cowboy Bebop fans is holding its sixth installment Dec. 25, a day stereotypically characterized by animated features with way, way less cooler characters. Sure, Rudolph and Frosty are bulbous and ebullient, but Spike, Vicious, and Julie are deep space bounty hunters with a penchant for dope background music. Which cast better characterizes your lump of coal attitude this yuletide? (Bridge Theatre, 3010 Geary, SF; (415) 668-6384, www.landmarktheaters.com. Midnight–3 a.m., suggested donation $4)

Other promising showings include Natalie Portman’s psycho-ballet thriller, Black Swan, camp of the year Burlesque, the Coen brothers’ remake of the western True Grit, and Naomi Watts as CIA agent Valerie Plame in Fair Game.

 

OPTION FOUR: DRINK

And when all else fails, raise a glass to (and of, see how that works?) booze. Many of your watering hole favorites will be open Christmas Eve and day, but why not try on a new barstool and pack of regulars for size? My pick for caroling into the bottom of your glass is Trad’r Sam (6150 Geary, SF; (415) 221-0733. Open noon–late), a kick-ass Outer Richmond tiki bar where I am cautioned that a solo scorpion bowl mission will result in the ability to see reindeers, unless that’s what you’re going for. To make your Christmas denial complete, keep one eye on the jukebox, and your clobbering stick handy for any poor schlub who opts for Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas.”

Holy high whoreiday

0

caitlin@sfbg.com

SEX It started with a serial killer. Porn star-feminist Annie Sprinkle was reading about mass murderer Gary Ridgeway slaughter of, on his count, 71 prostitutes in the 1980s and ’90s. She came across this in Ridgway’s explanation of his choice of victims: “I picked prostitutes because they were easy to pick up without being noticed. I knew they … might never be reported missing. I thought I could kill as many of them as I wanted without getting caught.”

It was a wake-up call for Sprinkle. “We don’t have equal protection,” says the busty self-termed “ecosexual,” who was a sex worker for 20 years and now serves as a role model to many in the radical sex community. Sprinkle reacted by organizing the first International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers on Dec. 17, 2003. It’s an event that is now recognized in cities around the world.

In San Francisco, Sprinkle’s “whore holy high holiday” will be marked by a City Hall vigil for all the sex workers affected by discrimination and violence this year and performance art, followed by a march to the Center for Sex and Culture (sexandculture.org). All the events are free and open to anyone who wants to stand up for those that get paid to lay down.

This year, event organizers have a dangerously prude city policy in their sights: the toxic San Francisco Police Department practice of checking suspected prostitutes’ pockets for condoms to serve as proof of intent to have sex for money. It’s a policy that Mayor Gavin Newsom and the state’s first Latina attorney general, Kamala Harris, support. Sprinkle finds it completely at odds with the mission of promoting safe sex among anyone who could be walking down the street with a rubber in their pocket, as well as dangerous to sex workers. “It’s nasty, and really stupid, and so counterproductive — is that the message that we want to be sending?”

Which is not to say that Friday will be devoid of sweet, sexy joy entirely. After all, where would be the fun in gathering up SF’s sex-positive community if no one got naked? Later that evening, the Center for Sex and Culture will host a special edition of the national literary series Naked Girls Reading showcasing — yep — naked girls reading literature written by those who spread their legs to make their living.

“It’s a great opportunity for feminism and art,” says event organizer Lady Monster, who heard about Miss Erotic World 2005 Michelle L’amour’s original Naked Girl Chicago series and thought it a perfect fit for our pervy-intellectual burg. She held the first event in April and “it took off like wild blazes,” packing venues across town.

An ex phone sex operator who dabbled in private peep shows in her home state of Ohio without being told that the work was illegal, Lady Monster notes that the poor economy and demise of Craigslist escort ads in response to outside pressure has introduced even greater risks to sex workers, pressure that can lead them to accept unsafe working conditions. She feels that the nationwide observance of Dec. 17 “is a way to give people an opportunity to celebrate sex workers’ rights.”

On stage, her reading event will celebrate their contribution to arts and literature. Sexologist Dr. Carol Queen will be leafing through a book at the night’s nudie show; as well as burlesque star Dottie Lux; sex worker activist Robyn Few; Lady Monster herself (who’ll be reading from Some Girls, the memoir of Jillian Lauren, the American who lived and worked in a Brunei harem); and Sprinkle, among others. Lady Monster says the requirements needed to be onstage fall into three categories: readers must be accomplished writers, have public speaking experience, and — perhaps the most obvious — they’ve got be down to make the scene in the all together.

“Three hundred and sixty-four days a year we talk about how much we like our work, and one day a year we take time to realize that there are real victims out there,” Sprinkle says. It may be the oldest profession, but even in Gomorrah by the Bay, sex work is still a far cry from society’s respected elder.

INTERNATIONAL DAY TO END VIOLENCE AGAINST SEX WORKERS

Fri., Dec. 17

4 p.m., free

City Hall

Civic Center, SF

www.swopusa.org

NAKED GIRLS READING

9 p.m., $15–$20

Center for Sex and Culture

1519 Mission, SF

(415) 552-7399

www.nakedgirlsreading.com/sanfrancisco

 

Hot sexy events December 15-21

0

Sigh. I guess I’m supposed to be Christmas shopping right now. But all I can focus is on is another week of sweet and wild sex events – what’s a girl to do? In the spirit of at least trying to pretend I give a damn, however, here are five fantastic places to buy sexy somethings for the naughties on your list. And the weekly sex events, of course. 

1. Quality SM – run by womens since 1988, this locally based online catalog specializes in British BDSM titles. www.qualitysm.com

2. Dark Garden – the hottest corsets money can buy for the love in your life that needs cinching. 321 Linden, SF. (415) 431-7684, www.darkgarden.com

 3.Good Vibrationsduh, if you read this column at all, duh. Various Bay Area locations. www.goodvibes.com

4. Stormy Leather – leather goods for all! 1158 Howard, SF. (415) 626-1672, www.stormyleather.com

5. Big Al’s Adult Super Store – sample Yelp review: “Forget about stoopid goodvibes and their politically-correct-boring-medical-supply-store bullshit!” Great for bachelorette parties! 556 Broadway, SF. (415) 391-8510

Good Vibrations Customer Appreciation Night

Surely this night was formulated with the diligent holiday shopper in mind, but really Good Vibes – free wine and chocolate? One-on-one attention from sexperts? This is one shopping event (actually five – Fri/17, Sat/18, Weds/22 and Thurs/23 will see the same perks) that will nurture the sex life of the gifter and giftee in one fell swoop. Pick up a present for you and yours, how bout?

Thurs/16 6-8 p.m., free

Good Vibrations 

Various Bay Area locations

www.goodvibes.com


International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers

Started in SF, this is the day to honor all those that lay down for our bullshit – and bucks – and to speak out against the violence and discrimination heaped on them in return. Friday’s memorial at City Hall features a performance piece entitled “Sex Worker Scream,” a reading of all of 2010’s victims, and a candlelit march to the Center for Sex and Culture for tea and cookies, for real.

Fri/17 

Performance and vigil start at 4:17 p.m., march after to Center for Sex and Culture, free

In front of City Hall, SF

www.swopusa.org


Naked Girls Reading 

Started by burlesque champion Michelle L’Amour in Chicago, this nudie reading series has spread to cities across the country – and none of the chapters have more sexy indie cred than SF’s franchise. Started by Burly Q beauty-erotica writer Lady Monster, this month’s event will see the women reading literature penned by sex workers. Annie Sprinkle makes a guest appearance, you can augment your literary arsenal, and see some boobies — what could be better, right?

Fri/17 8 p.m., $10-20

Center for Sex and Culture

1519 Mission, SF

(415) 552-7399

www.nakedgirlsreading/sanfrancisco


Pink

Pansexual play party Pink has made a practice of having sexy pre-event lessons to ease you into a night of swinging and cavorting at Mission Control’s pillow strewn harem rooms. This month, come early for a crash course on flirting: Jasper from The New Eccentrics will be taking it deep and hard into the areas of the brain and the corresponding ways to get them all hot and bothered (in a metaphysical sense).

Fri/17 9 p.m. charm school, 10 p.m. party

Mission Control

2519 Mission, SF

www.missioncontrolsf.org


Carnal Carnival

An encore performance by Ms. San Francisco Leather contestant Ms. Cat, singletail whip-throwing contests, vibrator races, and kinky raffles await you at this decidedly un-cotton candy carnival (although there will be a dessert table on hand). Plus, as befitting the holiday season, The Exiles (SF’s womens-only BDSM educational group) will be holding a children’s toy drive at their get-down.

Fri/17 7:30 p.m., $10 non-members

Women’s Building

3543 18th St., SF

(415) 431-1180

www.exiles.org


BBW BDSM Munch

Will all the big, beautiful, kinky women please stand up? That’s right, now find some car keys and roll to Milpitas, because there’s a far-flung party that’s being held in your honor. Yessir, here in the embrace of mesquite-grilled Southwestern fare you can find a diverse spread of those who’d be honored to engage in some rough play with you – men, women, doms, subs, everything in between. Appetites encouraged, as is street wear (you’ll be in a public room, no need to stress the squares). 

Sat/18 11 a.m.-1 p.m., free (purchase of food or drink encouraged)

On The Border

260 Ranch, Milpitas

(408) 935-6070

www.fetlife.com/groups/26844

 

Holy high whoreiday

0

caitlin@sfbg.com

SEX It started with a serial killer. Porn star-feminist Annie Sprinkle was reading about mass murderer Gary Ridgeway slaughter of, on his count, 71 prostitutes in the 1980s and ’90s. She came across this in Ridgway’s explanation of his choice of victims: “I picked prostitutes because they were easy to pick up without being noticed. I knew they … might never be reported missing. I thought I could kill as many of them as I wanted without getting caught.”

It was a wake-up call for Sprinkle. “We don’t have equal protection,” says the busty self-termed “ecosexual,” who was a sex worker for 20 years and now serves as a role model to many in the radical sex community. Sprinkle reacted by organizing the first International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers on Dec. 17, 2003. It’s an event that is now recognized in cities around the world.

In San Francisco, Sprinkle’s “whore holy high holiday” will be marked by a City Hall vigil for all the sex workers affected by discrimination and violence this year and performance art, followed by a march to the Center for Sex and Culture (sexandculture.org). All the events are free and open to anyone who wants to stand up for those that get paid to lay down.

This year, event organizers have a dangerously prude city policy in their sights: the toxic San Francisco Police Department practice of checking suspected prostitutes’ pockets for condoms to serve as proof of intent to have sex for money. It’s a policy that Mayor Gavin Newsom and the state’s first Latina attorney general, Kamala Harris, support. Sprinkle finds it completely at odds with the mission of promoting safe sex among anyone who could be walking down the street with a rubber in their pocket, as well as dangerous to sex workers. “It’s nasty, and really stupid, and so counterproductive — is that the message that we want to be sending?”

Which is not to say that Friday will be devoid of sweet, sexy joy entirely. After all, where would be the fun in gathering up SF’s sex-positive community if no one got naked? Later that evening, the Center for Sex and Culture will host a special edition of the national literary series Naked Girls Reading showcasing — yep — naked girls reading literature written by those who spread their legs to make their living.

“It’s a great opportunity for feminism and art,” says event organizer Lady Monster, who heard about Miss Erotic World 2005 Michelle L’amour’s original Naked Girl Chicago series and thought it a perfect fit for our pervy-intellectual burg. She held the first event in April and “it took off like wild blazes,” packing venues across town.

An ex phone sex operator who dabbled in private peep shows in her home state of Ohio without being told that the work was illegal, Lady Monster notes that the poor economy and demise of Craigslist escort ads in response to outside pressure has introduced even greater risks to sex workers, pressure that can lead them to accept unsafe working conditions. She feels that the nationwide observance of Dec. 17 “is a way to give people an opportunity to celebrate sex workers’ rights.”

On stage, her reading event will celebrate their contribution to arts and literature. Sexologist Dr. Carol Queen will be leafing through a book at the night’s nudie show; as well as burlesque star Dottie Lux; sex worker activist Robyn Few; Lady Monster herself (who’ll be reading from Some Girls, the memoir of Jillian Lauren, the American who lived and worked in a Brunei harem); and Sprinkle, among others. Lady Monster says the requirements needed to be onstage fall into three categories: readers must be accomplished writers, have public speaking experience, and — perhaps the most obvious — they’ve got be down to make the scene in the all together.

“Three hundred and sixty-four days a year we talk about how much we like our work, and one day a year we take time to realize that there are real victims out there,” Sprinkle says. It may be the oldest profession, but even in Gomorrah by the Bay, sex work is still a far cry from society’s respected elder.

INTERNATIONAL DAY TO END VIOLENCE AGAINST SEX WORKERS

Fri., Dec. 17

4 p.m., free

City Hall

Civic Center, SF

www.swopusa.org

NAKED GIRLS READING

9 p.m., $15–$20

Center for Sex and Culture

1519 Mission, SF

(415) 552-7399

www.nakedgirlsreading.com/sanfrancisco

Alerts

0

steve@sfbg.com

WEDNESDAY, DEC. 15

 

Women’s Holiday Party

Come support and celebrate the holidays with San Francisco’s most politically active women. This annual party is thrown by the San Francisco Women’s Political Committee, and this year it’s being cohosted by NARAL Pro-Choice California, Good Ol Girls, Emerge California, and Planned Parenthood Shasta Pacific. The first 100 women to arrive receive a free glass of champagne, and the first 200 people get a free drink ticket.

6–9 p.m., free

Carnelian By The Bay

1 Ferry Plaza, SF

www.sfwpc.org

Jaynry@sfwpc.org

 

The Green Party party

The San Francisco Green Party is throwing a Green Holiday Hoopla. “Spread the word and come out to support a true progressive alternative to the scandalous, corporate-controlled duopoly that screws us over year after year,” reads the invitation, in true SF Green fashion. Cosmic Selector and other DJs will rock the party, Phantom Power and Ryan Hayes perform live, and speakers Mark Sanchez, John-Marc Chandonia, and Laura Well drop the truth.

7 p.m., free

Public Works

161 Erie, SF

www.sfgreenparty.org

 

D5 Democratic Club Kickoff

If you want to see who’s lining up to play a lead role in choosing Sup. Ross Mirkarimi’s successor in District 5 (Western Addition and the Haight) — or if you want to be in the group — stop by the District 5 Democratic Club’s Inaugural Fundraiser and Holiday Party. This is a qualifying membership for the newly reactivated D5DC, which only D5 residents may join. Mirkarimi hosts the event.

6:30–9 p.m., $30 (includes one-year membership) or $10 for hardship membership

Café Divis

359 Divisadero, SF

d5demclub@gmail.com

 

Bay Area Anarchist Salon

The Bay Area Anarchist Salon and Potluck is a monthly facilitated conversation by and for anarchists. This month, it poses the question: “In the spirit of the holiday season, what present-day gift-economy practices by anarchists and others point toward life after capitalism?” Bring a vegetarian item to share. The event is hosted by Station 40 Events Collective, which is trying to raise funds for new video projector.

7–10 p.m. $2–$5

Station 40

3030B 16th St, SF

SATURDAY, DEC. 18

 

Sidewalks are still for people

In the months leading up to the Nov. 2 election, Sidewalks Are For People held a series of events on sidewalks around San Francisco as part of its campaign against Prop. L, which makes it illegal to sit or stand on the sidewalks of San Francisco. Now that the measure passed, the group is taking to the sidewalks again for a similar event, this time in defiance of the new law. Stop by some of the events scattered around the city or create your own and register it at sidewalksareforpeople.org/december-18th-events/#register.

All day, free

Citywide

www.sidewalksareforpeople.org

Forget “Deborah” — Debbie Gibson is back!

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Despite having had a nearly 25-year (and counting) career in show business, singer Debbie Gibson is still full of youthful energy and excitement when talking about recent projects and what she has planned for the future — perhaps that is due in part to the fact that she had her first hit single and taste of fame when she was only 16 years old. The ever-vivacious Gibson is particularly excited about taking part in a benefit concert and cabaret show tonight here in San Francisco, “One Night Only: A Shrektacular Holiday Celebration,” which will also feature the cast of Shrek currently at the Orpheum Theatre, and raises funds for the Richmond/Ermet AIDS Foundation.

“Pretty much if I’m available, I can’t say no to this organization,” says Gibson, who has always been heavily involved with helping charitable groups throughout her career. “I really enjoy these intimate shows with solo theater performers, and it’s kind of a perfect fit for me — obviously I bring my pop persona to the table, but at the same time I’m part of the theater community, so it makes perfect sense really.”

The ‘80s pop chanteuse, famous for her initial hits such as “Only In My Dreams,” “Out of the Blue,” and “Electric Youth,” was one of the few stars of that time and genre who wrote and arranged much of her own material, which led to her successful forays into Broadway productions, and eventually into acting for film.

Her recent appearance in the cult B-movie Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus has also sparked a new run of interest for celluloid gigs, with Gibson happily looking forward to the release of a new SyFy Channel movie, Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, which finds her teamed with another singer and actress who once vied for the same airwaves and video times as she did back in the 1980s — none other than Tiffany.

[Mega Shark] was so bad it was good; this one is smart, kitschy, and campy, it’s sexy sci-fi horror, and it was so much fun to do,” enthuses Gibson. “The first one was done a lot on blue screen, and all that; for this one I was hanging from rope ladders, crawling in the swamp, and climbing buildings. It was actually quite an action movie in addition to being a sci fi movie. Throw in a little food fight between me and Tiffany and there you go!”

Gibson says that both actresses had fun playing on their supposed rivalry from their youth, and that they didn’t mind that some of the people behind the film may have had, er, some ulterior motives. “We were like, ‘what dirty old men at SyFy sat around [asking] how they could get Tiffany and Debbie Gibson to get whipped cream on each other?'”

Gibson is referencing a scene from the movie — which comes out next month — that was released early, showing a drawn-out, extended cat fight between the two involving smashed cake, wrestling in a river, and a hilarious reference to the title of one of their hit songs. At tonight’s special show, Gibson is planning on performing a new song, one she hopes will provide a new take on holiday tunes, and also on her supposedly squeaky clean image from her past. 

“I wrote it about a year ago, and it’s a kind of a modern ‘Santa Baby,’ a sexy, jazzy, original Christmas song. It’s tongue in cheek,  mocking myself, it’s called ‘The Naughty List’ — I’ve always been the good girl and I’d very much like to be on ‘The Naughty List’ for once!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qf8BoWKeHow&feature=related

Debbie Gibson
Mon/13, 8 p.m., $35-$65
Theatre 39, Pier 39, SF
(415) 273-1620
www.helpisontheway.org

The mayoral roulette

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At the San Francisco Tomorrow holiday party Dec. 8th, David Chiu, Dennis Herrera, John Rizzo, Jake McGoldrick and a host of others who I’ve seen at these events for at least the past few years were doing their usual schmoozing — when Ross Mirkarimi, a former SFT board member, showed up with …. Art Agnos. I haven’t seen the former mayor at an SFT event since … I don’t know. Since a long long time ago.


Agnos made a short speech and talked about all of the rising stars in the San Francisco progressive movement — Mirkarimi, Chiu, Rizzo, David Campos, Eric Mar, John Avalos … and it was all very nice and low key. But there was a message in his appearance, in his connection with Mirkarimi, and even in the overall tone of his remarks, which amounts to this:


If the supervisors have trouble finding a progressive who can get six votes — and if they want an old hand, someone who has been through a brutal recession as mayor of San Francisco and dealt with awful budgets and nasty politics, someone who will serve for a year and then walk away — Agnos is open to being asked.


Well, maybe a little more than open to being asked. I wouldn’t say he’s actively, publicly campaiging for the job, but he has met with most of the supervisors, and dropped them all a 13-page memo listing all of his accomplishments, and his supporters (maybe his emissaries) are making the rounds and making the case for Agnos. Which amounts to this:


None of the progressives now more-or-less openly in the mix (Campos, Chiu, Mirkarimi, even Aaron Peskin) can realistically take on all the sacred cows (esp. police and fire), make a bunch of other cuts, and push for all sorts of revenue increases — and at the same time try to run for re-election in November (when the tax hikes would be on the ballot). The only way to do “what needs to be done” is to put in a progressive caretaker who can then take the political heat for the tough decisions — and help set up a campaign for another progressive in November.


I’m not sure I entirely agree — the right person, with the right leadership and agenda, could set up a five-year plan for fiscal stability, launch year one immediately and tell the public that he/she needs a full term to finish the job. But it’s true that it will be tough — and it’s also true that none of the obvious alternatives have ever run citywide.


If Tom Ammiano were interested, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. Tom has run citywide numerous times (for School Board, pre-district elections supervisor and mayor), has been elected by half the city (to the Assembly), and has the credibility to deal with the budget crisis and still win in November. But he’s not, and we have to respect that.


Right now, the progressives can’t seem to unite on a candidate. None of the current board members has six votes today. And Campos, Chiu, Mirkarimi and everyone else in the game knows full well how hard it will be to win in November, particularly against State Sen. Leland Yee, who will be a formidable candidate, and possibly City Attorney Dennis Herrera (who has won citywide), State Sen. Mark Leno (who is popular all over town) and others.


So if a couple rounds pass and there’s no winner, the “progressive caretaker” concept will be in play. It’s possible Mirkarimi would give up his seat two years early and take that job; it’s likely Peskin would agree to serve one year and then step down. But it’s also possible that neither scenario works out — at which point Sheriff Mike Hennessey and Agnos will be in play.


(I hear through the grapevine that Willie Brown is nosing around, too — and let’s remember that he became Assembly speaker by cutting a deal with the Republicans.)


Hennessey’s got a strong progressive record, but has never had to deal with anything remotely as awful as what the next mayor will face. So Agnos backers will make the case that their guy has the experience and gravitas to pull it off.


Given all of that, let me say a couple of things about Agnos, since I was around and watching City Hall when he was mayor (and some of the people who will be voting on this weren’t.)


Art’s a mixture. He was a great progressive member of the state Assembly. When he ran for mayor, we backed him strongly; he seemed to be the great progressive hope. Then his long list of wonderful promises ran into the buzz saw of a deep recession — and made things much worse with his arrogant, imperious style. His first major act in office was to sign a set of contracts that gave away the store to PG&E. He never lifted a finger for public power. And it quickly became clear that he wasn’t a fan of open government or public process. We were all supposed to “Trust in Art” and shut up if we didn’t like it.


That’s why — despite what was at the time and is in retrospect a pretty darn progressive record, a lot of solid accomplishments and absolutly no hint of corruption or scandal — the progressives just weren’t all that excited about his re-election. So he lost to Frank Jordan, who was way worse.


The thing is, Agnos these days is a lot more mellow. He’s 72, knows he’s not going anywhere else in politics, and has essentially admitted to me that he made a lot of mistakes, and his arrogance and closed-door attitude were top on the list. A reformed Agnos — willing to serve with a degree of humility and an acceptance that progressive politics in this town demands inclusiveness, and that even though he’s a former mayor, he’s not by definition the most important person in any room he walks into — would present an interesting option.


Of course, we still don’t know exactly where he would be on the issues, since, like Chiu, he hasn’t even publicly called himself a candidate for the job. I still think anyone who is a serious contender ought to be willing to appear before the supervisors and answer questions.


We all know where to start: What’s your plan for raising a quarter billion dollars in new revenue in 2011?