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SPORTS: Boo-yah! Johnnie LeMaster returns

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By A.J. Hayes

In current baseball vernacular, “wearing it” refers to owning up to a hellacious slump, a shoddy performance or bone-headed play sans lame excuse.

“I threw like ass… basically,” former Giants pitcher Sidney Ponson so elegantly put it following a horrible game a few seasons ago. That’s a fine example of “wearing it.”

Blaming a shipment of “soft” bats for a home run drought — as Oakland slugger Jack Cust did this spring — is most assuredly not “wearing it.”

In the late ’70s, much-maligned former Giants shortstop/futility icon Johnnie LeMaster, AKA “Bones,” AKA “Johnnie Disaster,” took “wearing it” to a whole new level.

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In one game vs. the Montreal Expos in 1979, LeMaster “wore it” – literally.

A prototypical good field/no hit shortstop during his best days at the park, the super slender LeMaster was enduring a prolonged stretch of through-the-wickets fielding/don’t-even-bother-stepping-into-the-box hitting that had everyone from little kids to blue-haired ladies at Candlestick Park calling for his scraggly ’70s-style mustache.

Razzing LeMaster had become the official second language of the frozen concrete bowl by the freeway.

So without informing the higher ups in the San Francisco front office, LeMaster had his name plate removed from the back of his No. 10 Giants jersey and replaced simply with a three letter word: “Boo.”

“It really caught everyone off guard, in fact when I walked to the plate that night I could hear manager Joe Altobelli say, ‘Why does John have “Bob” on the back of his uniform?’

“That stunt cost me a $500 fine, but it was worth every penny. It won over some of the media and the fans really got a kick out of it,” said LeMaster who was honored by the Giants last weekend as part of the club’s season long 50th San Francisco Anniversary celebration.

It was the Paintsville, Kentucky resident’s first visit to San Francisco’s downtown ballpark.

Garbage to gold: SF Dump’s new artist

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By Justin Juul

When boring people think about heaven they envision angels and wings and clouds and gold and stuff like that. Other people, cooler people you might say, imagine a world where everything is free, where alcohol flows like water, where cigarettes provide nourishment, and where orgasms last for hours. And then there are people like Paul Cesewski, a well-known Bay Area artist who’s been making bicycle-powered carnival rides, kinetic sculptures, and other weird machines for something like a decade and a half. His vision of paradise is a sprawling landfill of garbage, scrap metal, and castoff PVC tubing. What a weirdo.

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Material!

The cool thing about Cesewski’s version of heaven is that, unlike the angel and harp deal, it actually exists. It’s called the SF Dump and after years of trying, Cesewski has finally scored the Dump’s coveted artist-in-residence gig. He’s been wallowing in scrap metal, garbage, and PVC piping for the past three months and he’s about to let loose with a show. It’s only going on for two days so don’t miss the boat.

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Paul Cesweski, clownin’

Paul Cesweski
SF Dump
503 Tunnel Ave. SF.
Free
May 23 (5:00 – 9:00)
May 24 (1:00 – 5:00)

Dirty, dirty bedroom secrets

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By Justin Juul

I once lived with a girl whose bedroom looked and smelled exactly like a landfill. Stained panties, pieces of trash, and soup-bowls-turned-ashtrays were strewn from one corner of her private hellhole to the next. The strange thing was that if you had never seen this girl’s room you would have thought she was normal and nice. She dressed well, spoke eloquently, and never did anything too crazy. But I knew the truth. She may have looked nice on the outside, but I knew that somewhere deep down inside there lurked a slovenly beast with no regard for order or cleanliness, a heathen with dirty underpants. That’s the thing about bedrooms. The way we decorate them can reveal something about who we really are.

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Bay Area photographer Andrew McClintock certainly understands this truth. He recently spent about five years documenting the living habits of young San Franciscans. So if you’ve ever wondered what all those waiters, starving artists, and late-night-computer nerds are really like, you should check out his show at the Bluesix Acoustic room. Prepare to be shocked.

Opening reception for Andrew McClintock’s Bedrooms Series
Friday, May 2nd. 7:30 PM.
Bluesix Acoustic Room
3043 24th. SF.

Smells like imposter rock

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By Justin Juul

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Rock and Roll bands are rad and all, but truth be told, I’d usually rather just listen to their music on my iPod. That said, I still crave a good show every now and again, The thing is, since the urge to go out on the town strikes so rarely, I’ve become rusty at the whole procuring-concert-tickets-on-time thing. I always miss my favorite bands when they pass through because I either log on to ticketmaster too late or I mistakenly think no one else gives a shit and I’ll be able to buy tickets at the door.

No big deal, really. Most of the bands I’d actually pay to see are all dead, or too old to look at, anyway. Which is why I think cover bands are where it’s really at. I mean, why pay a million dollars for the Motley Crue reunion, when you can pay ten dollars to see dead on impersonations of Ozzy Osbourne, Tesla, Whitesnake, and Motley Crue all at the same time? You just can’t ignore the economic value of cover bands, but the best part about them is that they only play the classics. No more sitting through Tommy Lee’s lame ass DJ set just to hear Shout at The Devil. No more wondering if Ozzy’s gonna sing Ironman. At a tribute show, you get to hear the good shit straightaway and then you just move on to the next awesome band.

Most tribute shows feature three to four bands in one evening, which is great, but there’s a show coming up in the first week of May during which you’ll get to hear almost all of your favorite buttrock anthems. It’s Lynda Mortenson’s Second Annual Cinco De Mayo Bash , with tributes to Tesla, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Dio, Motley Crue, and more. Rock out with your cock out. Jam out with your clam out. Get ‘er done.

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Lynda Mortensen Presents The Second Annual Cinco De Mayo Bash
May 3rd, 2008. 5:00 pm – 2:00am
Free Until 9:00pm, $3.00 after 9:00pm
Saint James Gate
1410 Old County Road, Belmont, CA.
(650) 592-5923

Man hating: the new U.S. birth control

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By Paula Connelly

A highly effective birth control shot, made specifically for men, has been developed in Australia! It has been proven to be as effective as a vasectomy but without long-term effects. Unfortunately, pharmaceutical companies are not funding efforts to make this revolutionary mode of contraception available to the public. They don’t think men will buy it, even though it has demonstrated a fraction of the side effects associated with the female birth control pill. Unsurprising considering that politics, pricing and culture have been limiting access to contraceptives in the U.S. for years, resulting in inflated teenage and unwanted pregnancy rates, according to the Male Contraception Information Project. It is insulting to all the women who have suffered the insane mood swings, nausea, weight gain, diminished sex drive, increased risk of heart attack and breast cancer to hear men being quoted in the media saying, ‘”I would rather rely on a solution that doesn’t involving medicating myself and the problems women have had with hormone therapy doesn’t make me anxious to want to sign on to taking a hormone-type therapy,” says Hardin, 40, who is single and a college administrator.’

But this is just what’s being reported.

The reality is that plenty of men will use this option, and this trend would only increase over time as male birth control methods broke through the negative, emasculating stigma. I personally know many men who would love to try a non-barrier male birth control option and I know even more women poised to convince their partners to try it. Hell, I’ll even support the ‘girl’s secretly trying to get pregnant’ argument if that gets more guys thinking outside the (ahem) box.

SXSW Interactive: Pirate vs. Consumer

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By Paula Connelly

Panel titled: How Piracy will save the music industry

Jason Schwartz, founder of a digital music label called Robber Baron Music, and Randy Saaf, the founding CEO of an internet piracy prevention technology company called MediaDefender, Inc, discussed the conflicting viewpoints of the record labels and millions of music consumers. Schwartz’ music label acts as an internet marketing outlet that offers free music downloads in conjunction with artist donation options. This is beneficial to the artist because it gets people listening to an artists’ music while cataloging the downloader’s demographics for tour negotiation leverage. This is the future of the music industry. The labels are cut out. They know it. They’re angry.

SXSW Interactive: The web 2.0 revolution

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by Paula Connelly

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A Guitar Hero break in between panel discussions

I’m not convinced that the web is breaking down boundaries. At the SXSW Interactive Media conference there was a sea of iPhone engaged people who represent the first generation to really harness the experience of growing up with the web and bring it to the business realm. Those who have been the most successful have achieved web fame status. On the web, success is measured by attention based on site user volume, and although that directly translates to advertising dollars it is not the most important component of internet fame. I know that I should be happy about this glorification of knowledge. I should feel optimistic that web celebrity is the result of talent stemming from mathematical and scientific ability. The truth of the matter is, we are in the middle of a revolution whether we like it or not. And as I take refuge in an Austin cafe, far, far away from the fray, I realize that something about it all makes me feel really uncomfortable.

Breaking news: Shots hurt

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By Paula Connelly

Lately, I can’t help but shake the HPV terror that has descended on girls everywhere. Two types of HPV (out of 40) have been found to cause about 70 percent of cervical cancer and two types have been found to cause about 90 percent of genital warts. Coupled with statistical evidence that over 50 percent of both men and women will contract HPV at some point in their lives and that by age 50, at least 80 percent of women will have been infected with genital HPV infection, there is good cause for alarm. Even though most HPV infections have no symptoms and go away on their own, I’d prefer not to gamble with cancer. And since condoms do not prevent the spread of HPV, I was relieved to learn that Merck & Co., Inc. developed a vaccine called Gardasil to protect against the four strains which lead to cervical cancer and genital warts.

The vaccine is overpriced and difficult to obtain, especially for women over the age of 12, due to the slim chances a normal, sexually active person wouldn’t already have contracted some form of HPV. Currently, the vaccine is only approved for women ages 9 to 26 (problematic for women over 26 facing the statistical leap into the 80 percent of women infected by age 50). But I say, don’t listen to that doomed logic! The fact remains that the vaccine protects against four strains, so having one strain already does not mean you should give up on fighting the rest. There is no treatment for HPV.

Armed with (and scared by) these statistics, I went to my doctor a few months ago, ready to demand they give me the vaccine — and ready to stage all kinds of protests upon my denial. Lucky for them, I was met with great enthusiasm at my desire to get the vaccine at all, and my appointment was promptly scheduled.

Golden Girls: Ghetto Fabulous!

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Oh, Mary! The girls spend Christmas in a homeless shelter.

REVIEW There’s something about performing old television shows (i.e. “The Twilight Zone”) on a bare-bones stage two feet from the front row that accentuates what was good about them in the first place–the snappy dialogues, the solid story construction, the tinge of the absurd. Needless to say, the additional bonus of having the parts of four scrappy gran’mas living together in Miami, played by a snazzy quartet of the Bay Area’s finest drag queens puts the icing, as it were, on the Hostess cupcake. Heklina as Dorothy-makes the (ahem) perfect straight-woman. The sarcasm practically drips from her three-inch long eyelashes, without her even having to say a word. Cookie Dough plays her ribald Sicilian mother, Sophia, stage veteran Matthew Martin channels racy southern belle Blanche, and Miss Trannyshack 2007, Pollo del Mar embodies spacey airhead Rose Nyland. In “Sisters of the Bride,” Blanche’s baby brother Clayton (Mike Finn) announces his plans to marry his boyfriend Doug (Laurie Bushman). Consternation and eventual acceptance ensue, along with some great one-liners (Blanche: “What will the neighbors think when they see two men in my bedroom?” Sophia: “They’ll think it’s Tuesday.”) The highly-anticipated Christmas episode, set in a homeless shelter, does lay on the schmaltz a bit thick, but after all, ’tis the season, even in Miami, where–the girls remind us–it is 103 degrees. Santa, how ’bout a plane ticket? Or maybe just a ticket to the next sold-out Golden Girls show… (Nicole Gluckstern)

Fri/28-Sat/29
8 and 10 p.m.
The Finn Theatre
814 Grove, SF
$20 cash donation
waiting list starts at 7:30
www.trannyshack.com
www.cookievision.com

Green Gala

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By Amber Peckham

You may have heard of Global Green: it’s the US affiliate of Mikhail Gorbachev’s brainchild Green Cross International, an organization with the hazy but admirable goal of a “sustainable and secure future”. However, odds are that you haven’t heard they’re throwing a party in San Francisco for the third year in a row, because it’s a highly exclusive event. Tickets to attend the cocktail party are $250,. But to participate in everything the party has to offer – a patron dinner, live “ecotastic” auction, eco-friendly fashion show, and organic spa — will set you back a cool $5k per person. Pricey, but all the proceeds go toward Global Green’s efforts to rebuild a sustainable New Orleans, as well as advance the cause of affordable green housing and schools.

Of course, everything at the party is sustainable, including the alcohol. VeeV, the first eco-friendly spirit, is the sole option at this year’s party. VeeV is made from açaí berries, small dark fruits found only in Brazilian rainforests. For every bottle sold, Veev donates $1 back to the communities that harvest the berries. A bottle runs around $33, and a dollar in Brazil usually equates to between two and three Brazilian real.

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Isn’t $5k a small price to pay for the chance to run into well-known celebrity Global Green supporters like Orlando, Leo, and Ms. Cruz? Or maybe not…

Keats in orbit

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By Chris DeMento

Jonathon Keats did not fail philosophy by any stretch. But it failed him. Frustrated with Science’s inability to account for the very uncertainty it breeds, disconcerted by elaborate, infinitesimally ornate re-explanations of theoretically problematic anomalies embedded in the canon, tired of the validity namegames and the cyclical limits of Rationalism, the scholarly Keats has turned away from the strictures of logic and embraced another mode altogether: making art of his arguments.

Keats’ latest installation at Modernism Gallery, “Miracle Works,” demonstrates the boundlessness of his curiosity. During a recent interview, he talked about quite a few intergalactic possibilities and the cosmic multi-dimensionality of his work, which means I listened with one ear open while the other received, through an earphone, a half-hour-long sonata for astral organ, which simulated the pressure-sound of stars decaying (they thrum away at about 30,000 octaves below what the human ear can process).

Using math chops, a working knowledge of astrophysics (both its literature and its tablature), his formidable imagination, and a little program Steve Jobs likes to call GarageBand, Keats has arranged what he calls “an opus for the spheres,” transposing heretofore inaudible frequencies into a listenable key, collapsing lightyears and making them both intelligible and accessible.

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One of Keats’ orbit systems (print)

We are the eternal paradox

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By Amber Peckham

Although the “gayest videos ever” blog posts were a while back (click here for part 1, here for part 2, and here for part 3), this one still needed to be shared.

It’s a clip from “Legally Blonde: The Musical”, which aired on MTV a few weeks ago, and is probably still being shown if you want to check out the whole show. You know how they roll with the reruns. At least it’s more amusing than most of their programming these days, except of course for Room Raiders, which in my opinion is just good television.

For more mindless fun, visit Gay or Eurotrash?, leading to a pre-metrosexual classic test that requires finely-tuned gaydar. There’s Gay or straight?, which lets you compare people’s photos. And if you’re just looking to pass judgment (bad mommying?), there’s Virgin or not test.

Now go have fun being shallow, courtesy of the Guardian.

A few essential San Francisco phrases

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by Paula Connelly

Have patience, it progressively gets weirder. The best part is that it actually works. Ever since our illustrious receptionist Dena enlightened me to this video, I’ve been walking around the office singing, “spare me my life!”

Punk Rock Karaoke

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By Justin Juul

If the horrible song-selections and corny atmospheres found at most karaoke bars have always stopped you from jumping on stage, you might want to check out Punk Rock Karaoke. It sounds like a simple twist on a tired activity, but Punk Rock Karaoke isn’t an event; it’s the name of a band. PRK’s all-star line-up includes members of NOFX, Bad Religion, Social Distortion, and Agent Orange, which would be a decent lineup if any of these particular dudes could sing. This is where you come in.

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Rather than post a singer-wanted ad on Craigslist, the members of PRK have decided to say fuck it and ask their fans for help instead. It works like this: you drink until you feel comfortable in front of the crowd and then pick a song from their list of fifty classics. Drink a little more as you wait around for your name to come up, and then when it does, you can either run out the back door or bust a move on the M-I-C. Actually, that does sound a lot like regular karaoke doesn’t it? Whatever…it’s still punk, right? Right?!

Punk Rock Karaoke
December 5th @ The Uptown
1928 Telegraph, Oakland
(510) 451-8100
$13 / Doors at 9pm

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Election night parties

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Start the night off at the Bay Guardian’s “Don’t Dodge the Drafts” party at Doc’s Clock, 2575 Mission Street, between 21st and 22nd Streets, from 7-9 p.m. Music and drink specials for attendees who bring their “I voted” sticker or ballot stub.

Right next door at 12 Galaxies, mayoral candidate Chicken John Rinaldi will be throwing his “Loser’s Ball” election night party. He hasn’t made many details available, but knowing Chicken, expect the evening’s most fun and unconventional party.

Most parties start at 8 p.m., hit a premature climax at 8:30 when absentee results (the only numbers of the evening due to state-mandated manual ballot checks) are announced then continue well into the evening, to varying degrees. Some of the parties:

· Quintin Mecke for Mayor: Peacock Lounge, 552 Haight Street
· Yes on A/No on H: El Rio, 3158 Mission Street
· Gavin Newsom for Mayor: Ferry Building, Embarcadero at Market Street
· Kamala Harris for DA: Tosca Café, 242 Columbus

Election-night coverage

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by Tim Redmond

This blog is typically crowded on election night; I’m down at City Hall posting updates as the results come in and various Guardian staffers are reporting in from the evening’s events. It will be a little calmer tonight; we’ll get one set of results, at 8:30 pm, when the Elections Department releases its count of early absentees. But since the rest of the ballots have to be counted by hand, we won’t know much beyond that until later in the week.

So you can look here for the party scene, our analysis of the early results and some other fun – but we probably won’t be able to call the election until later in the week.

** Commenting is temporarily disabled

The dog days of wine labels

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Intern Chris DeMento likes to keep his pets and his merlots separate.

Some Californians just have too much time on their hands, plain and simple. And soon they will all move to Idaho, and soon I will be riding an eco-friendly Scooby Doo jetpack to CIIS to make a study of the Great White Californian Diaspora. Anyway. . . .

Did you know we have a dog lovers’ wine club out here? Bet you didn’t.Yes, the Dog Lovers’ Wine Club (DLWC), based in California of course, supports dog shelters and rescue operations nationwide. They also get drunk, too, which goes without saying, I guess.

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Believe Me or Not

Bourgie but blameless

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Intrepid intern Soo Oh checks out custom countertops that are going to save the world.

By Soo Oh

Eco-friendly home improvement couldn’t get classier than Vetrazzo. And by “classier,” I mean “glassier.” (I can’t believe I just wrote that. Intern, get me some coffee! Wait. I am the intern. Damn.) Eight-five percent of Vetrazzo’s smooth surfaces are made from recycled glass, the largest source of the company’s sources coming from neighborhood curbside recycling programs. The rest of the surfaces are bound with a special blend of “cement, additives, pigments and other recycled materials such as fly ash — a waste by-product of coal burning power plants,” according to the web site, which also says that manmade stone countertops contain petroleum-based resin (!).

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This color is called Glass House. Make up the rich-people joke for yourself…

Obama in the House?

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The organizers and speakers from Hip Hop 4 Obama make Chris DeMento wonder: Can Obama really do it?

By Chris DeMento

Barack Obama’s been making the biggest grassroots push since JFK’s presidential campaign, but will it take? I spoke and listened to three very intelligent and spirited Obama supporters at a recent Hip Hop 4 Obama event at Berkeley’s Ashkenaz, all of whom were filled with information and the will to help their man beat a Clinton in a primary. One small problem: nobody showed.

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Annemarie Stephens, founder of Hip Hop 4 Obama

Private perils: Elliott Sclar

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Elliott Sclar, economics professor at Columbia University and the author of You Don’t Always Get What You Pay For: The Economics of Privatization is one of the nation’s leading experts on the consequences of turning public-sector programs over to private businesses and nonprofits. In an extensive interview with Amanda Witherell, he discusses the central theme of our our anniversary issue.


Sprechen Sie Hubba Hubba?

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By Amber Peckham

Mag ich ein Bier haben, bitte?

That’s German for “May I have a beer, please?” Memorize it, because burlesque-style Oktoberfest has come to San Francisco at last, thanks to the combined efforts of the Hubba Hubba Review and the DNA Lounge. The lederhosen-clad lovelies of Hubba Hubba will kick off the festivities around 10:15 this Friday with the best burlesque show this side of Bavaria, followed by magic and comedy acts, a DJ, and the swing stylings of local band Lee Presson and the Nails.

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Mein Gott! So hot! Sparkly Devil and Kingfish strut their stuff onstage during a performance.

“Change” your approach to Halloween?

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By Chris DeMento

According to its Halloween press release, Coinstar claims the average household has nearly $90 in loose change just hanging out under the couch cushions. These are 90 entirely expendable dollars. Coinstar suggests you spend your loose coin (after having it counted for a small fee at one of their machines, of course) on your creepy-adult-whatever costume; then, after all the trick-or-treating, your kids can pay Coinstar to count up the dimes given them by crazy old ladies from the Sunset. It’s all very convenient.

Yet even as Coinstar attempts to leverage consumer interest in Halloween buffoonery, nudging you toward its coin-counting haunts, questions remain: where do you find a Coinstar machine in this city? And dude, does anybody have $90 worth of change lying around? That’s a load of malarkey.

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Photo from www.engadget.com
C’mon. You’re better than that.

Open up to opera

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By Amber Peckham

Opera is kind of like really kinky sex; some people are afraid to try it because they don’t think they’ll like it, but almost everyone who tries it loves it. If you’ve been hesitating to have your first experience (we’re talking opera now, not sex; you can figure the sex out on your own) tonight’s the perfect opportunity to ease yourself into the opera scene.

For $25, tonight San Francisco State University hosts its second annual Opera Gala, where patrons will enjoy highlights from popular operas performed by current students and alumni of the university’s renowned vocal and opera program.

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SFSU production of The Magic Flute

Better than Becks?

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By Amber Peckham

The United States has imported a lot of great things from the United Kingdom — the Beatles, the Mini, and David Beckham are some of my all time favorites. And now there’s one more import contending for one of my top spots: Streetsmart4Kids.

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Sure, it’s cute. But can it get kids off the streets? We didn’t think so. (Unless, you know, you buy one for the street kids. But dinner is cheaper.)