Marke B.

Bent empire

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REVIEW Holy glowing gonads! That’s what popped into my head — as my eyes popped out — when I entered the second room of the de Young Museum’s gorgeous "Gilbert and George" exhibition, which encompasses 30 years and 65 pieces of the British duo’s video, graphic, and two-dimensional sculpture work. There, two neon-explosive series of four humongous photomontages — Death Hope Life Fear (1984) and Shitty Naked Human World (1994) — are hung directly opposite each other, tugging the viewer into a phosphorescent hallway of actual shit and roses.

The first quadripartite series is peppered with the pair’s customary images of ethnically diverse underage hustlers, English roses, and collaged ziggurats of the artists themselves, magically combined to suggest all that was evil and delicious about the Thatcherite ’80s. The second, famously, floats giant turds against a backdrop of luminescent color and naked shots of the artists’ ass cracks and shriveled penises. Both sets are gloriously naughty, and when I caught a glimpse of prim society matron Dee Dee Wilsey standing perplexed beneath World‘s giant ball of flying crap, I almost lost it.

The rest of the exhibit goes on like this: feces fly, sperm spurts, blood boils, men and boys bare all, and enough sacred cows are roasted to fill a few Sizzler menus. And always, the deadpan artists peek through the mayhem like two chipped teacups adrift on a postcolonial ocean of desire. Even though Gilbert was born in Italy, the inseparable pair, with their matching worsted suits, impeccable manners, and sexually coy public personae, are so very British. Surely they’re commenting, from their tidy little studio in Spitalfields, East London, on the wreck and temptations of empire?

The show’s first room, dedicated to the artists’ early graphic work, contains some excellent aesthetic tingles but mostly concerns itself visually with a rote investigation of the possibilities of red, white, and black. You can sense Gilbert and George limiting their palette to a trio of fussy tones perhaps to excuse their content, fairly outré for the ’70s fine art world: spray-painted penis graffiti (1978’s The Penis), sticky puns on orientalism (1974’s Cherry Blossom No. 1), and other furtive steps into the realm of rebellious hyperinfantilism they would soon make their own.

It was during this nascent period that Gilbert and George developed their singular style: mixing multiple photographs of themselves with those of their immediate environs to make a single image, then blowing it up enormously and subdividing it into a grid of framed panels hung flush with one another, like a stained-glass window of perfect squares. As their artistic journey progressed and as the show winds through the basement galleries, their pictures burst with clashing tints and increasingly weirder experiments with displaced symmetry.

Various themes — ’80s youth-culture fetishism (for hipsters infatuated with fluorescent leg warmers, this is the show of the century), the tormented and fashionable spiritual journeys of the ’90s, a pungent streak of antipapism, and more than a few dips into pedophilia — are given the scatological Manic Panic rainbow treatment. Then the 2006 Terror pictures arrive, made in response to the London bus bombings, and the palette recollapses into a stunned black, red, and white, the English roses become torturous thorns, and pilfered headlines like "Police Quiz Bomb Suspect’s Father" are scrawled across each panel. So maybe there are limits?

SPORTS: Scoring votes — the faceoff

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By A.J. Hayes

Turn on cable television or AM radio any afternoon and you might be hard-pressed to tell the difference between the sports and political news programming. Whether it’s ESPN’s Pardon the Interruption or Fox’s Hannity and Colmes, it seems as if everyone is yelling with the fervor and conviction of a roided-up high school P.E. teacher.

Some political shows (Hardball) have sports inspired names and another (Countdown) is hosted by Keith Olbermann, who cut his broadcasting teeth inventing new catch phrases to describe home runs and field goals.

So considering that politics and sports are both populated by the same types of egomaniacs, we’ve decided to wed the three top remaining Presidential candidates with the Bay Area sports figures that best fits their persona.

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McCain behind the straight talk?

John McCain and Don Nelson. Both the Warriors head coach and leading Republican nominee have seen great victories in their day, and have both have suffered their share of humility in their given professions. Though Nelson is one of the NBA’s all-time winning coaches, he’s never captured a NBA title and each coaching stop he’s has made has ended ignominiously, with invariably lawsuits flying after his departure.

Club Sandwich bites into all-ages hunger

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By Vanessa K. Carr

There’s club sandwich and then there’s Club Sandwich: one is a chicken-bacon-mayo-double-decker, and the other is a Bay Area show promotion collective committed to hosting all ages shows for under-the-radar local and touring bands. Both layer elements that don’t necessarily seem like they’d go together – but are notoriously tasty for that precise reason.

True to form, Club Sandwich shows cross traditional genre boundary lines (noise, punk, folk, etc.), bringing together different subcultures within the Bay Area’s underground music scene that don’t usually overlap.

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Club Sandwich: Raccoo-oo-oon 21 Grand

In the spirit of similar DIY show promoters like Todd P in New York or the Upset the Rhythm collective in the UK, Club Sandwich organizes shows at a host of different venues, ranging from legitimate gallery spaces like ATA in San Francisco and Lobot in Oakland to warehouse spaces where people live – and even an Oakland swimming pool.

“Part of what we do is connect the warehouse and art spaces with touring acts who do not have these intrinsic connections,” says Club Sandwich founding member (and Guardian contributor) George Chen.

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Club Sandwich: Some Dark Holler at Totally Intense Fractal Mindgaze Hut Oakland

She get mad? Get MADE

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By Candice Chan

In the (likely?) event that you forgot yesterday was, you know, that big romantic day, then be your own savior and invite your lady friend out on Sunday, February 17th for a night at Poleng Lounge. In all their glam and glory, the designers of MADE Jewelry – Debbie Sheen and Abigail Rivamonte – will be debuting their handmade feminine designs at a reduced price for all the event’s attendees.

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Zeebos will save you!

With two lines of earrings (AM and PM) and a separate necklace line (Wrap), there’s likely to be at least one dangly item, if not many, that appeal to women who are constantly on the go. Each of the pieces has their own unique story – like the PM line’s Zeebos; a striped sequined homage to women who have paid their dues, earned their stripes and worked their way to the top – and are meant to represent the journeys of the ladies who don them.

Joakim: Very tall, very French

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By Vanessa K. Carr

It’s hard to tell sometimes with the French: how much of their dry humor and peculiarity is due to their French-ness, and how much is straight up eccentricity? For French electronic music producer and Tigersushi label manager Joakim (Versatile, K7), it’s most definitely the later. Due in part to his inordinately tall, praying mantis-like frame and understated manner, Joakim’s idiosyncrasy is what makes his magic; the fact that his fantastically hypnotic live performance is also sort of awkward, for example, makes the experience all the more immediate and real.

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Joakim, 31, burst onto the notorious Paris electronic music scene nine or ten years ago by starting encyclopedia music website (and now label) Tigersushi and releasing several of his own tracks on Versatile. Since then, Joakim has released three full-length albums and a storm of 12″s and remixes. His most recent album, Monsters and Silly Songs (K7 2007), spans an impressive range of genres, from electro and hard techno to dark pop and ambient noise. You can stream the full album here.

Joakim and his Ectoplasmic Band perform live this Friday night (2/15) at Fat City, courtesy of Blasthaus, with Portland electro/disco duo Glass Candy; DJ sets by Foreign Islands, Sleazemore, and Honey Soundsystem; and visuals by the fabulous DJ Pee Play.

SFBG: What kind of music did you listen to growing up?

Joakim Bouaziz: I started to grow up very early. I was mostly listening to classical music.

SFBG: Where you classically trained as a musician?

JB: Yeah, but every time I hear that expression, it sounds really weird.

SFBG: Why is that?

JB: It sounds like I’ve been in the army or something.

Pollo Del Mar explains it all for you

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Eager-eyed writer Justin Juul continues his Guardian’s SF series “Meet Your Neighbors” by interviewing the current reigning Miss Trannyshack (and local journalist) Paul E. Pratt, aka Pollo Del Mar.

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Paul E. Pratt is an entertainment journalist who leads a double life as a crazy ass drag queen. So, when he’s not interviewing people like Spike Lee and Oliver Stone he’s getting all fierce and fabulous down at Trannyshack, where he was recently crowned Miss Trannyshack 2007. I’m not exactly sure how it happened, but I wound up spending the better part of a recent quiet Sunday drinking Pilsner and watching a drag show with Pratt at Mecca in The Castro. Here’s what he had to say.

SFBG: Hey, you don’t look like a drag queen at all. Whaddup with that?

Pratt: Well, I like to keep a fine line between who I am in drag and who I am out of it.

SFBG: Yeah, I didn’t know what to expect before I met you. I kind of thought you’d be all dolled up, ten feet tall and scary.

Pratt: Well that’s something you see more of in the Midwest, where I used to live. A lot of the drag queens out there feel sort of forced to live in drag all of the time. You’ll see a lot of transgender people, men trying to become women. The point of the community out there is different in that sense. San Francisco has another side. There’s the pageant circuit — the Imperial Court thing — that you’re seeing some of now. And then there’s the Trannyshack crowd. It’s not so serious out here. I mean, there are straight guys who perform occasionally. There are also female drag queens — we call them faux queens — and even couples like Landa Lakes and Miso Hornay. You don’t find too much of that elsewhere.

SFBG: So what you do is more just for fun then?

Pratt: It’s for fun and glamour and fabulousness.

Climate change: yes? no? banana?

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Global warming is just one of many, many emergency environmental issues — like, the world is just plain looking trashy lately — but, hey, warming gets all the press these days. Whether or not the uptick in earthly sweatiness is caused by man (“anthropogenic”) or cosmos (solar flares?) is kind of a moot point: everyone pretty much agrees there’s some warming going on, and, to me, anything that panics consumers into using less and actually thinking about how products are made and where they come from is a good thing. Consumer consciousness needs a swift kick in the pants — let the panic continue!

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Yet it’s been awfully confusing to follow the warming debates — especially since it’s so easy in these days of selective media to just read things you agree with. Luckily, Interneteurs Douglas Campbell and Dennis Dutton (who maintains the mighty fine Arts & Letters Daily Web site) have started Climate Debate Daily, which collates recently Web-published “Calls to Action” and “Dissenting Voices” on either side of the debate (perhaps a bit simplistically). Informative!

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SPORTS: Pants on fire

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By A.J. Hayes

Host Allen Ludden and regular panelist Larry Hovis, of Hogan Heroes fame, may have passed on ages ago, but look for the Liar’s Club

to make a big return to television on Wednesday.

This time the star will be none other than ace pitcher Roger Clemens, and his audience will be members of Congress and baseball fans desperately seeking closure to the steroids era.

Like a Clemens strikeout pitch, expect the untruthfulness to come fast and furious.

Despite being sworn to tell the truth, Clemens will do anything to get around the accusations that he used performance-enhancing drugs to take his baseball career to a higher level at an age when pitchers have traditionally moved to mop-up roles.

Slap that ass for spring

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By Justin Juul

“I don’t know what it is about women, but I will go to my grave wanting to pet their butts and boobs.” — Kurt Vonnegut

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If Mr. Vonnegut had been born 50 years later, his famous quote might read something more like I don’t know what it is about women, but I will go to my grave wanting to spank their asses. What? Haven’t you heard? Spanking is the new hugging. Everyone’s doing it. And it’s totally natural too. Behind-the-scenes activities may differ from relationship to relationship, but nearly all of them involve some sort of spanking ritual. My girlfriend, for example, gets spanked whenever she reaches for fruit from the bottom drawer of the fridge. She gets it when she’s tying her shoes, petting her cat, and well, anytime really. And she loves it! (I hope.) But alas, there’s a stigma attached to spanking. It’s something only immoral sex freaks do, some people say. Well, this is San Francisco and we say spank away.

But how, you ask. Well, there are plenty of ways to slap an ass. But, as with most things, it’s best to get some guidance. Thank god for Good Vibrations. And thank god for Rosy Cheeks, the store’s new spanking instructor. Apparently, while the rest of us were out stuffing our faces and drinking eggnog over the holiday break, Ms. Cheeks was drafting the lesson plan for her new class, Hot Spanking, which she’ll be teaching in March at The Good Vibrations store on Polk Street. Too late for Valentine’s Day — but springtime’s coming, people. Time to get that ass in gear!

Hot Spanking
March 18, 8pm-10pm
$25 pre-register/$30 drop-in
Good Vibrations
1620 Polk Street, SF
(415) 345-0400
www.goodvibes.com

Lost modern love — revealed

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Lost Art Salon, winner of a 2007 Best of the Bay award, and one helluva neato gallery, is having another of its delightfully star-studded openings on Valentine’s Day in honor of its “Modern Love” show, featuring heartfelt artwork chosen from its library of 3000+ pieces. Lost Art proprietors Rob and Gaetan spelunk the globe for masterpieces by little-known or unacknowledged modernist artists — their finds somehow transcend kitsch and expand the definition of modernism. Anyhoo, with champagne, cupcakes, and :little songs of love by Uni,” this could be the start of a perfect date evening, no? You might even fall in love with one of their lost artists.

“Modern Love” opening party
Feb 14, 5:30-8:30pm, Free
Lost Art Salon
245 S. Van Ness, #303
415-861-1530
www.lostartsalon.com

The bears are a-comin’!

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If you happen to notice large numbers of big furry gays prowling the streets, gyms, cafes, dance floors, and internets of SF this week (craigslist M4M is a total hirsute hoot this time of year), then be not alarmed — it’s merely the influx of hearty attendees for International Bear Rendezvous 2008, the huge hairy gathering sponsored by the Bears of San Francisco.

The conference/celebration takes place Feb 14-18 at the Holiday Inn Golden Gateway — and it’s pretty all-encompassing, with satellite pudge-parties and ravenous ribaldry (with Tiffany?!?), and also a few panels and local vendor booths (although the emphasis seems less and less on these each year).

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Cub and the City

I got a lot of shit last year for writing about changes in the bear community (what I dubbed Bear 2.0) now that a younger generation of bears has come of age, with its focus less on community activism and combating negative gay mainstream stereotypes a la twinky Will and Grace and more on dancing to techno and having slutty fun (and a sense of humor, duh). It’ll be interesting to see how right I was again this year, but I’m a full on chubby-chaser, darlings — and February is huntin’ season in this neck of the woof woods. Suit up!

Amy Grammy double-whammy kills it

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Wow — on my second week in rehab I was scaling the drywall with toothpicks under my fingernails. But maybe if you put me in a closed studio packed full of record label plants and some stellar backing musicians (with an intro by Cuba Gooding, Jr.) then perhaps I could have delivered one of those super-extra special TV historical moments that Amy Winehouse provided last night at the Grammys, with the below double medley.

Her face at the end, a mask of screaming “fuck you” extrospective hypocrisy had me screaming “punk-ass goddess!!!”

Partying Indiefest style

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By Vanessa K. Carr

Yes, the SF IndieFest is about great independent film, but let’s be real: it’s also about theme parties and free booze.

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The opening party last night at Cellspace did not disappoint. What better way to follow two hours in a dark theater than with a rowdy mechanical bull, enough free beer and lychee martinis to loosen the hips and morals of everyone in the place, a live alt-bluegrass band in the back, and Dolly and Burt presiding over the whole affair as Best Little Whorehouse in Texas rolled on the big screen?

Clubs: Asses of Evil!

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Calling all queer Arabs, Middle Easterners, and North Africans (and lusty friends) — time for another wild, dancefloor-packing Bibi party, habibis!

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Yep, it’s gonna be packed — featuring DJs Emancipacion, Bahman, and Honey Soundsystem’s own Josh Cheon. PLUS: a burlesque extravaganza with Dirty Phoenix’s “Asses of Evil”, Happy Hyder as “Saida,” belly dancing, and so many hot folks you never knew were Arabs that you’ll plotz. Here’s a little taste of what you’ll hear as you jingle your jangles:

This is a benefit for LGBTI Middle-Eastern, South West Asian & North African (SWANA) community (and is hosted by cutie man-on-the-SWANA-scene Rostam), so Bibi there!

Bibi
Sat/9, 9pm-2am, $15
Eight
1151 Folsom
www.myspace/com/bibisf

“Never surrender!” Romney surrenders

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Welp, the boardroom Mormon is out, and now it’s up to Bridge Over River McCain and Huckabee Hound to feast on his Republican delegates’ innards. (I think. These caucus rules are so twisted I’m sometimes wishing we were back before the days of Hubert Humphrey McGee.)

I must say I rejoiced when Giulievil bit it, even though I wanted him in as a spoiler. There must be a lot of backroom arm twisting (waterboarding?) among the Reps right now to get Huck out of the race as well, before the rest of the religious unright leap right into his sweaty drag queen man hands.

A side note: has anyone else noticed how much Romney and McCain both look like waxen marionette creations from Thunderbirds?

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Eeeeery

Anyway, Romney said “If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror,” according to the AP.

He also said he had to step aside “Because I love America in this time of war …”

I think that says it all for the Republicans in general, no?

Clubs: Trannyshack (fuzzy) memories

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“The truth can finally be told, Marke B.,” said Trannyshack mama bear Heklina when I talked to her about her raucous 12-year-old trash-drag weekly at the Stud going dark in August. “I was gonna shut it down on our 10th anniversary — that’s just such a good, round number — but I was in talks for the past two years with some big time studios about a Trannyshack reality series, so I kept it going. But I guess that’s dead in the water now, so it’s time to move on.” Alas! But hurray for Heklina taking time out to figure herself out. And Trannyshack may return as a monthly, so that would be nice.

There have been so-so-so many disgustingly wonderful Trannyshack moments in the past dozen years to try to remember fully. I think I was at the opening night in 1996, but I was on a lot of meth then, so who the hell knows? Anyway, here are some performances for the ages. I’ll be adding more in the next week as soon as I get off my ass and fight my way out of this paper bag hangover (never huff Aquanet people — it’ll make your tongue stick to the roof of your mouth.) And there are a ton of Trannyshack vids on YouTube — except for some reason they’ve taken down clips from “Filthy Gorgeous: The Trannyshack Movie” — I wanted that one where Juanita More and the dwarf get naked for “Put It In My Mouth.” Anyway! Enjoy!

Heklina and Glamamore “All is full of love”

Rentecca and Kim Burley, “Two Trannies, One Cup”

Accidental tranny

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› superego@sfbg.com

SUPER EGO Guilty! I’m totally real-time guilty. Yeps, frenz, I’m that spastic whore on the dance floor whooping like a neon cough, flinging my Mary Kate triceps up when a thump drops in the mix. If a club has one of those heinous black lights at the door, I sneak in the back so no one spots the glowing spunk on my skirt or my phosphorescent VCR. I always ask for extra antioxidant-rich lychees in my pomegranatini, to offset the American Spirits. OK, I’ve blown the DJ. And although I’ve never stuffed a tube sock down my sequined thong or Botoxed my rosy areolae, those are my fake digits you just beamed into your contacts, sweetness. Thanks for the pomegranatini. Call me!

Also, I take things for granted. Some parties in this town have been around since Y2K was ripped-knee-high to a troll doll (New Wave City, 1984, Popscene, Death Guild, Red Wine Social, Qoöl). I’ve surely enjoyed them all. But in my ravenous quest for novelty I’ve watched them gradually fade from my schedule, like tears of joy evaporating on a monitor. Thus I was shocked when word squirted down the pudding pipe that — after 12 years of lunatic antics at the Stud — weekly trash-drag frenzy Trannyshack was slamming its barn door shut in August. Just where the heck will club pervs get their weekly fix of "two trannies, one cup"?

"I never intended to become a professional drag queen, Marke B. It was almost an accident," Trannyshack hostess Heklina said, laughing groggily into the phone when I rang for dish. I’d woken her up: it was 2 p.m. "I was merely dabbling in drag when the Stud approached me a dozen years ago to fill the Tuesday night slot. It’s been wonderful, but I’m ready for a change — and I’m too much of a control freak to let Trannyshack go on without me."

The lady was feeling candid. "I’m done with punk-rock drag," she added. "I’m tired of feeling like I have to haul in my own amps, manage the entire bar, and clean up afterwards. At this point I simply want to walk onstage and have the light show ready and the sound board all cued up. And I want more challenges, to work more in theater, expand my horizons, travel, figure myself out. You get trapped in a persona. This great thing comes along, people love it, and then suddenly it’s your whole life. For 12 years. Time for a breather!"

Hold on to your panicked panties, though. "Trannyshack the brand isn’t going away," Heklina continued. "I’m working on making it a monthly party somewhere nice, and we’ll still do big events like the annual pageant, Trannyshack Reno, international gigs, and maybe bring back the cruise." The weekly Trannyshack’s planning to go out with a bang too: a countdown of greatest hits and command performances has begun, with Ana Matronic of Scissor Sisters hosting Feb. 12 and an explosive 12th-birthday blowout Feb. 19.

Heklina is one of the OG rave-era club kids who made San Francisco fabulously unsafe at any speed, and Trannyshack freed drag from its Judy Garland fetters, flooding punk spirit — and oodles of bodily fluids — into the stalls of gay nightlife. The ‘Shack’s now venerable enough to be thought mainstream by some young turks, but it still feels like the scene’s bloody wig’s been yanked off.

TRANSPORTING How’s this for a leap of global proportions? The papacito of the nightlife’s global grooves movement, DJ Cheb i Sabbah — himself a proprietor of one of SF’s longest-running parties, 1002 Nights (now at Nickie’s in the Lower Haight on Tuesdays) — has just released another stunningly internationalist CD, Devotion (Six Degrees), and he’ll be throwing down, celebration-wise, at the huge returning one-off Worldly at Temple. Boosting Cheb’s subcontinental turntable wizardry live will be Pakistani vocalist Riffat Sultana and percussionists Salar Nadar and Mitch Hyare. Also trading on the tables: electrotabla etherealist Karsh Kale and bhangra breakster Janaka Selekta. Fold dem paper planes and twirl.

TRANNYSHACK

Tuesdays, 9 p.m., $8

Stud

399 Ninth St., SF

(415) 866-6623

www.studsf.com

www.trannyshack.com

CHEB I SABBAH AT WORLDLY

Sat/9, 10 p.m., $8

Temple

540 Howard, SF

www.templesf.com

www.chebisabbah.com

G-Spot: Everyone’s a wiener

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› marke@sfbg.com

You’d think that amid all of the bell tolling and hand-wringing about DIY online media proliferation, professionally produced gay porn would have gone the way of the floppy disk and dial-up modem long ago. (Remember waiting 20 minutes for free stud-muffin bitmaps to download, pixel by aching pixel, onto your 10-inch monitor? Ah, AOL blue balls. Whither the ’90s?)

But no – gay porn is the new fireplace. You can hardly turn around in most finer homo homes and gardens without some two-dimensional boy butter spattering your delicate cheekbones. Gooey! And every edgy hetero is at least partially versed in the extensive oeuvres of quasi-professional online sites like Bait Bus or His First Huge Cock, if only because sticky fingers often click too quickly on flickering banner ads.

Gay porn’s also big business, of course, and an especially homegrown one. Almost all of the most profitable studios are based in San Francisco – a rare case of several giants of an industry being located within mere blocks of one another. SoMa has become the Wall Street of Crisco.

The reasons behind this multimillions-generating clusterfuck are myriad: mainly, the local economic advantages, cultural environment, and plethora of scruffy multiculti boys (all the rage among a rapidly globalized audience) make SF a much more fertile gay porn hot spot than the traditionally down-and-dirty San Fernando Valley. Also, many big studios are the bastard children of SF’s Falcon Studios, the granddaddy purveyor of male video erotica headed by the late, irascible Chuck Holmes, for whom our groundbreaking Charles M. Holmes LGBT Community Center was affectionately named.

And it doesn’t hurt that Silicon Valley is a whip flick down the freeway. Gay porn studios have been aggressively savvy about riding the online wave to solvency, even if lately that’s meant a hilariously regrettable spate of behind-the-scenes blogs and vids that feature pec-implanted gym queens sashaying nude around Palm Springs pools and fussing over which pair of snakeskin trousers go with which Tony Lamas. Decisions.

Yet despite the buttloads of profit, cornered markets, community accolades, and extensive and rabid fan bases, gay porn studios – like cuddly-wuddly gay porn stars themselves – have massive inferiority complexes. They want recognition, dammit! Thus the annual Golden Globes of filmed homosexual obscenities, the GayVN Awards, presented by venerable gay porn insider news source GayVN (recent headline: "Jock Itch in the Can!"). Last year’s awards presentation at the Castro Theatre — open to the public – was a raucous, substar-studded affair featuring MC Kathy Griffin and more fashion nightmares than you could shake a spangled man boa at. This year’s awards show expands to the Giftcenter Pavilion – because, really, doesn’t this celebration require an entire pavilion? – and although no D-list host has been announced, fan tickets are being snatched up at a robo-thrusting pace.

A quick and gleeful scan gleans from among the 2008 nominees: Gaytanamo for Best Leather Video (when, oh when, will someone make Fahrenheit 9"x11"?); Tiger’s Eiffel Tower: Paris Is Mine!, Gunnery Sgt. McCool, and Rocks and Hard Places for Best Video; the mathematically challenging Bottom of the Ninth: Little Big League 3 for Best Direction, and, inevitably, Buckback Mountain (Best Specialty Release) and Bi Pole Her (Best Bisexual Video, duh). There are awards for Best Box Cover Concept, Best Music, and the always bracingly racist Best Ethnic-Themed Video: (Arabian Tales 1-2? Spilling the Tea? Queens Plaza Pickup 2, surprisingly not about migrant-worker prostitution? Only the judges can decide.

But most enticing of all, barring any prerecorded acceptance speeches — and despite the writer’s strike – there will be actual humans in attendance, the real faces behind the fornication, in all of their fleshy solidity, crossing their powder-encrusted pinkies and gazing hopefully, hazardously into the glare of their peers’ applause or opprobrium. The meltdowns will be spectacular!

GAYVN AWARDS

Feb. 16, 6 p.m., $100

Giftcenter Pavilion

888 Brannan, SF

(415) 861-7733

www.gayvnawards.com

Voting and drinking (and a 14″ penis)

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Tuesday, 9:09pm

In anticipation of guzzling free Stella, the Kilowatt has been jammed with voting drinkers since 6pm – well before the Guardian-sposored “Dodge the Drafts” party’s official start time. As for who these drinkers supported today, it’s impossible to guess — even tho I’m surround by fellow Guardian employees, and within eyesight of a woman lustily fingering Obama’s Audacity of Hope. The Obama supporters sharing my table say that the bartenders have informed them that we’re in “Clinton territory.” Who knows?

One thing’s for sure: it’s all about voting and drinking at the mission district bar. The free Stella ran out within an hour.

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Tonight’s real winner?

I did get some insight from Tim Paulson. The San Francisco Labor Council head tells me that although there’s no official endorsement from his organization, most laborers he know were in support of John Edwards (perhaps because Edwards marched with striking hotel workers three years ago), and that many of those votes are now going to Obama. Nevertheless machinists and teachers endorsed Clinton, while the SEIU favored Obama.

Tearjerkin’ for Obama

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Here we are, awash in the shivers and shudders of another (incredibly fatiguing) election cycle. And although reports are streaming in of another Hillary sob session, the big news on the gushing front is that new star-studded “Yes We Can” vid, produced by Black-Eyed Pea frontman will i. am (ew) and Bob Dylan’s son Jesse, featuring several earnest Hollywood and Billboard players singing along to Obama’s semi-concession speech in New Hampshire.

Dammit, it made me weep a little, despite the fact that the incredibly high-flown rhetoric is a bit suspect (Obama’s really twisting the King gears here) and has absolutely nothing to do with how, exactly, “we can.” Other than voting for Obama with the stars?


700,000+ YouTube views in 48 hours can’t be wrong

Question: What would a John Kerry number have sounded like? Why, oh why, did Dan Fogelburp have to die?

Alas for my enthused bandwagonismy, I foolishly, delightedly lived through the age of Live Aidquarius, and was bonkers as a child over the intensely disingenuous, not to say slightly racist, “Do They Know It’s Christmas“.

NYC Fashion Week = SF blues

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Yes, I’m a total fashion whore, but I live in SF — land of lame Macy’s Passports and a dowager-drenched SF Fashion Week. Thus, this is one of my long-distancest fashion-whoriest times around — fab collection mania in the tents of Manhattan. Yep, it’s New York Fashion Week — oops make that Mercedes-Benz Fall Fashion Week 2008 — be-nimbused by similar breathtaking events in Europe and beyond (RIP, Valentino).

Of course, I’m no high-class ass licker, and even though club and youth cultures have taken over the runways in the past two decades (fuck yeah I worked me some 1987 Gaultier, bitches), I’m not really into the celebrity car crash and knit cowl collision that fashion’s become (far too many uppity students in really tiny glasses). What I really like to do is see what I like and then approximate it subtly with thrift store finds and a little Stitch Witchery. It’s the way of my people.

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You will most guaranteed see this hotness Patrik Ervell look on the children — as soon as we scrap all the teflon off our popcorn bags. (photo from NYTimes)

Anyway, if you’re not glued right now to Cathy Horyn’s Runway blog on NYTimes (or, somewhat conversely, Cintra Wilson’s feel-my-pain coverage in Salon), let alone the zillions of little bloglets covering every blouson swag and belled neck, then you are dead to me right now. Now excuse me, I have to figure out how to squeeze my shamelessly ethnic boot into even more stovepipe pants, dammit.

SPORTS: Super Bowl upsets, ads cause nausea

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By AJ Hayes

We don’t make it a habit of rooting for New York teams, but the Giants’ improbable upset of New England on Sunday night was fantastic. Not only did it result in one of the best games in Super Bowl history, but it managed to wipe some of the smugness off the face of Patriots coach Bill Belichick. A sore loser and a cheat, Belichick is one of the more odorous fellows in sports today.

It also ended the talk once and for all that Tom Brady is the equal of Joe Montana. Brady may be a nice guy and a swell quarterback, but Montana saved the Super Bowl for his brightest moments, not his stumbles.

On to more important matters: Super Bowl commercials. (You can view them all here.)

Our personal favorite was the stylish Doritos ad in which a suave vermin hunter lays out half a cheesy chip on a mouse trap and sits back and waits, munching on the rest of the bag. Suddenly the wall explodes and a huge costumed rat appears, pummeling the tuxedoed hunter with a right/left combination. We laughed, even though the ad’s been around for a while, it turns out.

Now for the least funny spots.

Salesgenie. It’s not clear what a Salesgenie is or does, but its animated ad mocking Indian accents makes us want to stay clear of it.

Hot buns and fat bombs

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How delightful! Staring this Wednesday (Ash Wednesday for all you Cathaholics), Noe Valley Bakery will quench your Fat Tuesday, aka Mardi Gras, hangovers by offering delicious-sounding hot cross buns (“Our version is made from nutmeg scented yeast dough filled with currants and almonds. Orange pastry cream decorates the top to resemble a cross.”)

The NVB folks will be selling them until Easter Sunday (March 23), at which point you can use any leftovers to bean cute boys and girls at the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence Easter celebration, hopefully during the raucous Hunky Jesus contest.

On a semi-related note: When I was a kid growing up in the Polish neighborhoods of Detroit, we used to have these great, incredibly saturated-fattening jelly donut bombs called Paczki (pronounced poonch-key) on Fat Tuesday.

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If you’ve a yearning for the old country, here’s a handy little DIY primer courtesy of KQED’s Bay Area Bites. Fried! Yummy!

OMG sunshine

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Could it possibly have been the Giants’ win last night? Or perhaps the sunny anticipation of Tuesday’s primary? Maybe Ann Coulter finally died of a poppers overdose? Nah … it’s just weather, baby. But the sun has peeked through the clouds this morning, illuminating with wonky incrementalism the collection of Godzilla toys I keep on my dresser, and I’m in the mood for some effervescent Korean pop. Let’s jam!

Kim Jong Kook, “Lovely”