Music

Ask a Porn Star: Introducing Wendy Williams, trans sex superstar

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In which super sexy porn people answer questions — each week — from Bay Area locals
By Justin Juul

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Wendy Williams is an award-winning movie star with nearly a half-a-million films under her belt. But that doesn’t mean this month’s featured celebrity is some shallow Hollywood glamour snob… quite the opposite, actually. In fact, it only takes a second of conversation with Williams to realize that she’s really just a down-home southern girl who enjoys the simple things in life.

Williams likes traveling, shopping, advanced social networking and, um…interracial gangbangs. Okay okay okay! So maybe Williams isn’t exactly what you’d call normal, but that’s why she’s so much more intriguing than other media starlets known for dropping their vowels and dipping their thongs. While traditional southern belles like Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, and Brooke Hogan waste their/our time making crappy music, popping pills, and collecting the worst sunglasses you’ve ever seen in your life, Williams keeps it real and focuses her energy on something we can all relate to: steamin’ hot tranny sex. What I’m saying here is that trans porn is better than reality TV and that mainstream pop icons have less talent than the people you see on Fleshbot everyday. I’m also saying that Williams is much cooler than all the girls I mentioned above because she’s an interesting individual with a mind of her own and those other girls are pretty much the opposite of that (although Britney got pretty cool there for a second).

Anyway! Enough with the half-assed shot at social commentary, right? Here’s the Wendy Williams story in a nutshell:

Snap Sounds: Johan Agebjörn

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By Johnny Ray Huston

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Johan Agebjörn
featuring Lisa Barra
Mossebo
(Lotuspike)

Paging Vangelis: the songwriter and studio whiz behind Sally Shapiro (and official Glass Candy remixer) goes new age, replete with the requisite peaceful, tranquil blurry cover art. I’m not as enthused about this as I am about the news that a new Shapiro album is due out this year. Loaded with music, Agebjörn’s site also links to the site for Diskokaine, a label which put out some early Shapiro songs. I say this because DIskokaine’s site has a great Atari- or Commodore-era look — and is annoying as hell.

Johan Agebjörn featuring Lisa Barra, “Unitas vitae” (Live in Linköping)

View the previous Snap Sound here.

Leonard Cohen skips, sings, outlasts his audience at the Paramount

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02, you too: A still from Live in London.

By Kimberly Chun

O to be as spry and energetic at 74: Leonard Cohen launched his three-performance stand at the Paramount Theatre in Oakland last night, April 13, with an approximately three-hour concert that had the audience chuckling with amazement when the singer-songwriter came back for a fourth encore. “I tried to leave you,” he moaned.

Cohen had the crowd in his clenched fist throughout multiple standing ovations and a set that fundamentally mirrored that of his recent Live in London DVD and CD. And he put up a good fight, alternating between standing with his knees slightly bent, hands grasping mic and chord, in a boxer’s posture, and kneeling as if a humble mendicant – the latter his favorite way to open an emotionally intense song.

The songwriter received bursts of appreciative applause for lines like, “You told me again you preferred handsome men / but for me you would make an exception,” and, “You fixed yourself, you said, “Well never mind, / we are ugly but we have the music,” from “Chelsea Hotel No. 2,” a song about written about his affair with Janis Joplin. So long ago, yet still so vivid. This beautiful loser has morphed into a wiry, elegant slip of a man, skipping gracefully off the stage after each encore then back. From afar, Cohen resembles less William Burroughs, a Blues Brother, or a Bogart-esque “Tough Jew” like Bugsy Siegel than a smiling Stuart Little-like gent, revealing a snowy white pate beneath the fedora and a fiercely ingenuous grin. There’s a hard-won innocence to the performer, though he was less chatty and more focused than on the recent Live in London. Likewise backup vocalists the Webb sisters chose to chartwheel rather than do-si-do to that key reworked phrase, “All the lousy little poets / coming round / tryin’ to sound like Charlie Manson / and the white girls dancin'” in the charred apocalyptic ode “The Future.”

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“Hey, That’s No Way to Say Goodbye”: A still from Live in London.

Most Definite, not Think So

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By D. Scot Miller

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Anyone who heard "Big Brother Beat" on De La Soul’s 1996 album Stakes Is High (Tommy Boy) was soon saying, "Who’s this kid Mos Def?" Still, it’s hard to believe that, 13 years later, the radiant voice on that track would become the ubiquitous scion of that good old Native Tongue can-do.

Mos Def can turn up simultaneously in a movie (his next project is a film version of Iceberg Slim’s Mama Black Widow) and on a television show (you catch him on House last a few weeks ago?), yet still find time to cameo on other people’s albums, win an Obie for his performance in a play (Suzan Lori Parks’ Fuckin’ A), and come out with a book (Black 2.0, due this summer). It’s like, wait a minute, there’s got to be more than one Mos Def.

His four albums explore his tortured id and black people’s rightful place as the inventors of rock ‘n’ roll and just about all forms of popular music — all that, and they still maintain the dedication to socially conscious protest we’ve come to expect from our once and future truth-tellers. His fifth, The Ecstatic, is due later this year. He’s coming to Yoshi’s in Oakland for a few sets with Robert Glasper on piano, Mark Kelly on bass, Chris "Daddy" Dave on drums, Casey Benjamin on sax, and Keyon Harrold on trumpet. Be a part of history in the making. It’s not like you have a choice. His name is Most Definite, not Think So.

MOS DEF Tues/14–April 16, 8 and 10 p.m., $55. Yoshi’s Oakland, 510 Embarcadero West, Oakl. (510) 238-9200. www.yoshis.com

Snap Sounds: Lô Borges

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By Johnny Ray Huston

Lô Borges
Lô Borges and Nuvem Cigana
(EMI Brasil)

It took me too long to realize all my favorite tracks on 1972’s classic Clube de Esquina are written by Lô. The cover of Lô’s debut album is perfection, and I am completely in love with Nuvem Cigana‘s “A força do vento,” “Uma canção,” “Viver viver,” and O vento não me levou.”

What do you know about Lô? I’d love to read more perspectives about him and his music. He releases recordings at roughly the same pace as Scott Walker. That alone is enough to intrigue me in an era of talking loud and saying nothing, but the tunes are terrific and his voice has a true sweetness to it.

Lô Borges, Clube da Esquina, “Ao Vivo”

Super Ego: New-bass invades the Bay

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By Marke B.

Get ready, kids — this Saturday night’s all about the new-bass (and I go in deep on it in this week’s Super Ego clubs column). Do like I said and hit up both mindblowing parties featuring this amazing nightlife sound of now.

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Ghislain Poirier, helloooo

In one corner is Montreal’s “King of Bounce” Ghislain Poirier, whose Bounce Le Gros monthly in the MTL not only helped launch the careers of such wiggy Canadian future bass purveyors as Megasoid and the tres-tres atmospheric Sixtoo, but also put Quebec on the world dance music map. Ghislain will storm the Tormenta Tropical monthly’s electro-cumbia castle at Elbo Room.

Below are two video examples of how Poirier wonderfully “plays it both ways” as it were — super-danceable and brainily abstract — with the dancehall boinger “Blazin'” and the headphone freaker “Hit & Red.” The third vid, “Don’t Smile, It’s Postmodern” is his awesome kinda middle ground (although the visuals are waaaay goofy.)

Ghislain Poirier, “Blazin'” featuring Face-T

Ghislain Poirier, “Hit & Red”

Ghislain Poirier, “Don’t Smile”

AND in this other corner, righteous kings of woofer-blowing abstractitude Flying Lotus, Kode9, and the Bug hit Mighty for a jam called “The Future.” I’ll let the videos after the jump give you an idea of each of their genius individual styles, but DO NOT MISS THIS PARTY.

Bruce Willis honored at Sonoma International Film Festival

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By Juliette Tang

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The 12th Annual Sonoma International Film Festival, a festival celebrating “the best in food, wine, art and music,” ended weekend with a big tribute and party in honor of Bruce Willis, an inexplicable choice in every sense except that he happens to be good friends with the Festival’s executive director, Kevin McNeely. Personally, I’ve never been not the biggest Bruce Willis fan, though I thought his performances in The Sixth Sense and Twelve Monkeys were understated and effective. Bruce is not just an actor in the cut-and-dry sense, but an uber-celebrity. His movies regularly make billions of dollars worldwide, and he is the 7th highest grossing actor of all time. Even though I’m not the type of person to watch action movies, I’ve seen every single Die Hard, either at friend’s houses, or on an airplane somewhere, or just because it was a Saturday and I was tuned onto TNT – it’s one of those movies that, chances are, you will somehow see even if you don’t try to see it, just by merit of being alive. And despite (or maybe, because of) the baldness-induced machismo and the faint but perceptible odor of sleaze he emits, some women really like him. How? Why?

Perhaps Bruce Willis’ special brand of je ne sais quoi is due to his beautiful singing voice? Check out some great vintage Bruce, after the jump.

Victory lap

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a&eletters@sfbg.com

When Special One of the Conscious Daughters raps, "And I know all my folks been patient for this shit" on the Oakland female duo’s new track "A Moment In Rhyme," she ain’t kidding. It’s been 13 long years since she and partner-in-rhyme CMG released their last album, 1996’s Gamers (Priority). So long gone were the previously high profile pair that in 2007 Nas invited the Daughters, along with other forgotten Left Coast vets such as Kam, King Tee, and Threat, to appear on his homage track "Where Are They Now (West Coast Remix)."

The Nutcracker Suite, released in February on longtime associate Paris’ Guerrilla Funk label, is Conscious Daughters’ third album in 16 years. It’s a refreshing return to form for the female duo, who burst onto the national rap scene with 1993’s Ear To The Street (Priority), led by the Paris-produced, funk-fueled riding anthem "Somethin’ to Ride To (Fonky Expedition)." Striking a perfect balance between political hip-hop and street mobbin’ music, Special One and CMG have always won over discriminating rap fans.

"You can call it what you want — we just back," laughs an unfazed Special One, when asked if the new album and upcoming performances should be called a comeback. "It’s a comeback to everybody else, but we never went anywhere," adds CMG. "We been recording and making music the whole time."

The Conscious Daughters pick up right where they left off with The Nutcracker Suite, which includes production by Paris, Rick Ross, One Drop Scott, Fred White, and newcomer Steven King. The album opens with the head-nodding hard funk of "Not Bad But Good," an updated riding track about "the Town" (Oakland). But a few tracks later it veers into thought-provoking territory, with songs that tackle topics head-on from a female perspective. Domestic abuse and California’s spiraling incarceration rates are on the lyrical agenda. "And Arnold keeps building these correctional facilities for youth, women, and crooks and thieves with disabilities," Special One raps in the song "Issues."

Having spent a short stint behind bars herself ("for pot") Special One speaks from first-hand experience. "There’s women, their grandmothers, their aunties, mothers, nieces, and sisters in the penitentiary, just like there are men in the male penitentiary," she says.

One of the new album’s more poignant songs is "Dirty Little Secret," in which the duo urge domestic violence victims to "Get the hell up out that situation before you get killed."

"We have friends who have gone through this for many years, best friends who won’t even tell you [about their abuse]," CMG says when discussing the emotionally-charged song, told in the first-person voice of an angry victim who fights back. "Even though our song is pretty deep about getting this guy back, we are saying what a lot of women want to actually do, and helping them get their frustrations out by listening to our song."

In practice, as well as in their lyrics, Conscious Daughters demonstrate solidarity for their sisters: Nutcracker Suite features cameos from several Bay Area female hip-hop talents, including Mystic, Marvaless, and Goldee the Murderist, whose death last summer from a blood disease was sudden and tragic. Special One says that it’s important for females in hip-hop to look out for one another, since they already have the chips stacked against them. "It’s always harder for women," she notes, "Most female rappers have to balance a career and their family."

Another longtime fellow East Bay female hip-hop talent, DJ Pam the Funkstress of the Coup, is joining Conscious Daughters when they embark on a national tour later this year. (Official details — likely involving Paris, Talib Kweli, Pete Rock, and others — will be announced at guerrillafunk.com).

After so many years away, CMG and Special One heartily embrace the work ahead. "We love challenges, and we’re going to have to get out there and do everything all over again now," says CMG.

"It’s a blessing, and we’re confident in our talents," adds Special One.

www.myspace.com/consciousdaughters

www.guerrillafunk.com

Cohen koan

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a&eletters@sfbg.com

SONIC REDUCER What becomes a pop legend? Mink, knighthood, screaming nubiles, Rock ‘n’ Roll Hall of Fame induction, or the Companionship of the Order of Canada? Nay, Lancelot Bass, to a biz looking for its next buck, it’s chart success at the beyond-ripe age of 74.

The curious case of Leonard Cohen: more than 40 years after his classic-crammed debut, Songs of Leonard Cohen (Columbia, 1967), this songwriting genius saw the rocket-boost of mainstream pop acceptance last year, as Jeff Buckley’s version of Cohen’s "Hallelujah" shot to the top of the iTunes charts after Jason Castro interpreted it on American Idol. One Tree Hill starlet Kate Voegele took another stab at the tune — already a TV and film staple covered by everyone from John Cale and Rufus Wainwright to Sheryl Crow and Willie Nelson. The final shoe dropped last December, when a rendition by Alexandra Burke, winner of UK TV’s X Factor, occupied the top of the UK singles charts, with Buckley’s take at #2, and Cohen’s original at #36. Cohen’s current North American tour — his first in 15 years — seems like a natural next step, especially since even the supremely gifted need to eat. (His ex-manager Kelley Lynch misappropriated millions while he was secluded as a Zen Buddhist monk in the late 1990s.)

While it’s no surprise that a relatively recent Cohen creation such as 1984’s "Hallelujah" should become a contemporary standard, working its way into Shrek (2001) and the ambivalent superhero sex scene in Watchmen, the song is still an unlikely commercial success, given its spiritual yearning and hard-boiled smarts. As Bryan Appleyard wrote in the U.K.’s Sunday Times in 2005, "it sounds like a pop song, but it isn’t …. It is a tuneful but ironic mask worn to conceal bitter atonal failure." Cohen’s "Hallelujah" is a gently meta-maniacal song rumination on songwriting and faith, clad in biblical allusions, that finds hope in submission to an uncaring muse.

However hard to picture, there are through lines between Cohen’s original, synth-driven "Hallelujah" and what some call his worst LP, Death of a Ladies’ Man (Columbia, 1977), an overwhelmingly orchestrated collaboration with Phil Spector that imploded as the producer barred Cohen from the final mix, allegedly threatening him with a crossbow.

"I’ve put my trust/And all my faith to see … /Her naked body! Oooh-oooh, oh my baby, can you see her naked body?"

Cohen never sounds as unbridled as he does on Death‘s "Memories," as youthful trysts take the fall with this mocking jack-off, the album’s centerpiece. I like to imagine his vocals were loosey-goosey placeholders. Anyone with a well-blackened punk sense of humor can appreciate the larky, screw-you ethos of this overwrought artifact, decorated with an image of the songwriter flanked by his morose then-wife Suzanne Elrod. Was this Cohen’s jokey fare-thee-well to horndog profligacy?

A cranky attack on youth and "Sound of Young America" pop, "Memories" is also the sound of Spector doffing his aviator shades and jabbing at his own mirrored eyeball and "Be My Baby" legacy. This Sha Nyah Nyah take on the same intermingling of faith and sexuality that underlies "Hallelujah" is constructed as a wall of soup, ready to splash down on Cohen’s fragile voice, sometimes subsumed by an ever-present anima: his female backup vocalists, a beloved counterpart to Spector’s highly controlled girl groups.

But "Memories" should perhaps remain in the past. For a strong hit of current Cohen go to the new Live in London DVD, which is infinitely preferable to 2005’s name-checking doc Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man. Released along with a CD set, this straightforward, two-hour-plus document of a June 2008 arena show in London beats all that grainy Glastonbury footage on YouTube with its graceful shots of Cohen lost in the center of "Everybody Knows," eyes squeezed closed and mic cord clenched in a fist.

The greatest pleasures come from hearing later Cohen recordings reworked by a full band and witnessing the warmth and graciousness of a songwriter humbled by his audience. "It’s wonderful to be gathered here on just the other side of intimacy," he says wryly at one point, soon segueing seamlessly into the chorus of "Anthem": "Ring the bells that still can ring /Forget your perfect offering /There is a crack in everything /That’s how the light gets in." And perhaps that’s how — and why — Cohen has gone from haunting the rooms of heartsick "Memories" to becoming the go-to guy for a shot of lyrical intelligence: he recognizes our battered souls and sings those elegant, oft-unspoken truths still lingering in the sad café of the pop unconscious.

LEONARD COHEN

Mon/13-April 15, 8 p.m., $69.50–$251

Paramount Theatre

2025 Broadway, Oakl.

www.goldenvoice.com

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DANCE ME TO THE END OF THE WEEK:

RICHARD SWIFT

Shades of Harry Nilsson: the tunesmith makes artful inroads with his soulful new The Atlantic Ocean (Secretly Canadian). With Vetiver and Adam Stephens. Wed/8, 9 p.m., $16. Great American Music Hall, 859 O’Farrell, SF. www.gamh.com

CHANGO SPASIUK

Astor Piazzolla is grinning somewhere when this Argentinean accordion master blends the blues, fado, and chamame. Thurs/9, 8 p.m., $18. Yoshi’s, 1330 Fillmore, SF. www.yoshis.com

BEAUSOLEIL

Cajun music would be swallowed up by the swamp if not for the sprightly efforts of Michael Doucet and crew. With David Lindley. Fri/10, 8 p.m., $25. Great American Music Hall, 859 O’Farrell, SF. www.gamh.com

FRIENDLY FIRES, WHITE LIES, AND SOFT PACK

The moody, broody U.K. dance-pop rockers match beats alongside the spunky post-punk San Diegans. Sat/11, 9 p.m., $15. Slim’s, 333 11th St., SF. www.slims-sf.com

Bounce to this

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superego@sfbg.com

SUPER EGO Hold my hair, Bethany — things are gonna get wicked. The Bay’s set to undergo a massive new-bass invasion on Saturday, April 11, and I’m kind of freaking out about it, kind of having outfit trauma, and kind of fiending for a diet coconut juice. Is that postcolonialist?

Perhaps more pressingly: are the low-frequency freakinetics of abstract dubstep, turbo crunk, and future bass vanishing into the headphone red zones of download fanboys and nightlife intellectuals? I mean, has anyone figured out how to dance to any of this mind-blowing shit yet?

That will be one of the looming, booming nightlife questions as critical darlings Flying Lotus, Kode9, and the Bug rumble through Mighty with a gig tagged "The Future," and Ghislain "King of Bounce" Poirier storms the monthly Tormenta Tropical party at Elbo Room. No question, though: both events will melt your face, so pack yourself an extra and hop between them.

When it comes to dance floor poetics, Montreal-based producer, DJ, and mentor Poirier is the shrewdest of the bunch. The Ninja Tune artist has played it both ways from the beginning, tickling cerebellums with growling reveries and laser-chopped academic beats on some tracks, while on others pumping sharp dancehall grinds and grimy ragga as his guest vocalists strike demanding political poses. It’s this second, much more party-friendly "world riddim idiom" Poirier who’ll pop up at Tormenta Tropical, touring for his new Soca Sound System EP, a pulse-pounding glance toward the Trinidadian genre that includes the infectious "Wha-La-La-Leng" with MC Face-T.

And yet, despite Poirier’s intensely straightforward dance-driven live shows and steady stream of lean-and-mean mixtapes, like last year’s excellent Bring the Fire, he’s still mostly known in the States for his forays into glitch-and-sizzle future bass territory. That may be due to his pioneering work in tearing off the 4/4 beats straightjacket and commandeering homemade, bleeding bass lines to glue his ravenously global-eared sets together. Or it may be because people still have trouble seeing the Great White North as the glorious multicultural clusterfuck it is — they’d just rather slap an abstract label on it. Whatever. "Ideas are the best plug-ins," Poirier told Cyclic Defrost magazine last year — but he knows a free mind should be followed by a bumping ass.

In terms of real abstractitude, though, Flying Lotus, the Bug, and Kode 9 swim in the deepest of waters — and each traffics in his own delightful mental aquarium. L.A.’s FlyLo may still be drowning in positive press ink from his incredible 2008 release Los Angeles (Warp) but he hasn’t sacrificed any of his experimental chutzpah, chopping up hip-hop strains into turbulent, prismatic soundscapes. He’s also the smilingest DJ I’ve ever seen. London’s the Bug brings a throbbing, postapocalyptic edge to his dub creations, and his jazz background adds an ethereal sheen to his production style. Hyperdub Records owner Kode9, from Glasgow, is the most mischievous of the trio. His output aspires to a warped dubstep atmosphere that he likens to "drinking acid rain," but he also brings some much-needed humor to the mix — and reassuring connections to dance music’s past. The B-side of his new "Black Sun" single, "2 Far Gone," is a total rewiring of Adonis’ 1986 house classic "No Way Back" that dissolves me into a nostalgic grin.

When these three bass-purveyors passed through San Francisco last year — Lotus and Kode as part of the Brainfeeder Festival at 103 Harriet St., and the Bug at dread bass throwdown Surya Dub — they put in exquisitely thoughtful and uplifting sessions. Alas, they were mostly greeted with appreciative, hella-stoned nodding from the crowd. Only a few hardcore freaks had the gumption to truly take the floor. This time, I say make like the freaks and lose yourself to the beat in your head. The bass is only the basis. It’s up to us to fill in the bounce.

TORMENTA TROPICAL WITH GHISLAIN POIRIER

Sat/11, 10pm, $10. Elbo Room, 647 Valencia, SF. www.elbo,com

THE FUTURE WITH FLYING LOTUS, KODE9 AND THE BUG

Sat/11, 9pm-afterhours, $20. Mighty, 119 Utah, SF. www.mighty119.com

Mos Def

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PREVIEW Anyone who heard "Big Brother Beat" on De La Soul’s 1996 album Stakes Is High (Tommy Boy) was soon saying, "Who’s this kid Mos Def?" Still, it’s hard to believe that, 13 years later, the radiant voice on that track would become the ubiquitous scion of that good old Native Tongue can-do.

Mos Def can turn up simultaneously in a movie (his next project is a film version of Iceberg Slim’s Mama Black Widow) and on a television show (you catch him on House last a few weeks ago?), yet still find time to cameo on other people’s albums, win an Obie for his performance in a play (Suzan Lori Parks’ Fuckin’ A), and come out with a book (Black 2.0, due this summer). It’s like, wait a minute, there’s got to be more than one Mos Def.

His four albums explore his tortured id and black people’s rightful place as the inventors of rock ‘n’ roll and just about all forms of popular music — all that, and they still maintain the dedication to socially conscious protest we’ve come to expect from our once and future truth-tellers. His fifth, The Ecstatic, is due later this year. He’s coming to Yoshi’s in Oakland for a few sets with Robert Glasper on piano, Mark Kelly on bass, Chris "Daddy" Dave on drums, Casey Benjamin on sax, and Keyon Harrold on trumpet. Be a part of history in the making. It’s not like you have a choice. His name is Most Definite, not Think So.

MOS DEF Tues/14–April 16, 8 and 10 p.m., $55. Yoshi’s Oakland, 510 Embarcadero West, Oakl. (510) 238-9200. www.yoshis.com

Appetite: Czech in FiDi, Easter meals, Bushi-Tei bistro, Front Porch bones, and more

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The new cityhouse: apres-shopping bacon-wrapped swordfish

As long-time San Francisco resident and writer, I’m passionate about this city and obsessed with exploring its best food-and-drink spots, deals, events and news, in every neighborhood and cuisine type. I have my own personalized itinerary service and monthly food/drink/travel newsletter, The Perfect Spot, and am thrilled to share up-to-the minute news with you from the endless goings-on in our fair city each week on SFBG. View the last Appetite installment here.

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NEW RESTAURANT and BAR OPENINGS
A double-dose of Bushi-Tei in Japantown with a new bistro
I love you, Bushi-Tei. Though a Michelin-star winner with rave reviews, I often wonder why few seem to have been to this upscale Asian restaurant with a French cuisine ethos? Chef Wakabayashi is a genius, as far as I’m concerned, and the experience, from wine list to savory dishes to desserts, have always been a creative-fresh thrill for me over the years. I dig the dark woods of the modern dining room, the seamless service, and most of all, the glorious food. So I’m delighted to see the unveiling of Bushi-Tei Bistro this week, with a $6-15 price range and dishes like housemade udon, Japanese curry and sushi. Conveniently close to key Japantown/Lower Fillmore landmarks, I’d guess this could be the new gourmet-but-affordable-Asian-eats stop before or after a movie at Sundance Kabuki, a visit to the Kabuki Spring spa or a concert at the Fillmore.
1581 Webster Street
415-409-4959
www.bushi-tei.com

Cityhouse debuts in the Parc 55 Hotel
It appears to be another Union Square hotel restaurant (i.e. expensive), but Parc 55 Hotel‘s $30 million makeover (scheduled to be done in June) includes this steakhouse restaurant, cityhouse, helmed by Chef Brian Healy of the former Terrace at the Ritz-Carlton San Francisco. Open for breakfast, lunch and dinner with an all-day bar oferring swank cocktails and bar bites, it’s a downtown shopping respite or meet-up spot with visiting friends craving steak, bacon-wrapped swordfish, oysters and strawberry rhubarb crisp.
55 Cyril Magnin Street
415-392-8000
http://dev.tigglobal.com/RenaissanceParc55/restaurants/cityhouse.cfm

Cafe Prague is bringin’ Czech back to FiDi… and soon, the Mission
It’s nice to have a little Czech back in town, though I’ll miss the old Cafe Prague space (which closed last Fall), tucked away on Pacific Ave. Hopefully the boho-Euro atmos transfers to their newly-opened Financial District locale. I see the menu consists mainly of salads and sandwiches for the FiDi lunch set, but thankfully a couple Eastern European specialties remain (which I appreciate given that there’s not much of it around), like Hungarian goulash and sauerbraten with dumplings. A second site is soon to open on Mission Street between 17th and 18th, so there’ll be more Prague lovin’ to go around.
424 Merchant Street
415-627-7464

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APRIL 12th EASTER MEALS
1300 on Fillmore’s Gospel Brunch for Easter
Since 1300 on Fillmore opened, it’s been my preferred stop for upscale Southern Soul food with a twist, and it’s jazzy, cool lounge giving tribute to the Fillmore District’s jazz glory days. Though I’ve eagerly been wanting to check out their Gospel Brunch the first Sunday of every month (which has been so popular, they plan on adding a second Sunday), I suspect Easter might be the time to catch the Spirit over cornbread and shrimp ‘n creamy grits. The three-course brunch is $39, including all food, coffee and tea, special drink of choice (mimosa, bellini, juices), and, naturally, some rousing, live gospel music. Hallelujah! P.S. Don’t forget their Fried Chicken Mondays (5:30-11pm) where $28 gets you soup or salad, Black Skillet Fried Chicken and dessert.
$39
1300 Fillmore Street
415-771-7100
www.1300fillmore.com

Indian-style Easter at Dosa on Fillmore
Doing Easter out of the norm means Dosa on Fillmore’s Indian Easter brunch might be your speed, especially when the menu includes a Strawberry-Banana Uttapam (large, pancake-style version of a dosa for $12) or an Egg Poriyal Dosa, filled with a South Indian scramble of organic eggs, chilies, tomatoes and onions ($10). Wash it down with a Bloody Mary Curry ($8.50) or Elderflower Mimosa ($9) and you’ve got yourself a brunch.
11:30am-3:30pm
1700 Fillmore Street
415-441-3672
www.dosasf.com

The antithesis to "Easter brunch" lunch at Bloodhound bar
It’s Bunny BBQ at Bloodhound all Easter afternoon with a glut of meats from Taylor’s smoked ham to rabbit (in sausage form or grilled), plus a slew of down-home sides like chicharrones, beans, and yes, bacon peanut butter brownies. It’s all you can eat and drink of seasonal beer (draft and bottle), with Bloodhound’s excellent classic cocktails still available at regular price. Fatted Calf and 4505 Meats host the event but space is limited to so make sure you RSVP if you want to eat the bunny rather than admire its cuteness.
$30
2pm–7pm
RSVP: info@bloodhoundsf.com
1145 Folsom Street
www.bloodhoundsf.com

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DEALS
Bones and Blues every Tuesday at The Front Porch
The Outer Mission’s Front Porch is one of those places (with rocking chairs on the little front patio) that’s invitingly warm as soon as you walk in. The red booths, pressed-tin ceiling and dim lighting create an overall glow. As of last week, Fats Domino Tuesdays is the night to linger over, yep… dominoes. A game of dominoes with discounted drinks and appetizers and blues music to set the mood. You can bring a partner or there’s sure to be others to play a friendly game with if you come alone. With new chef, Michael Law, aboard, it’s an ideal time to re-visit the heartwarming Southern/New Orleans menu.
Tuesdays 5-7pm
65-A 29th Street
415-282-9043
www.thefrontporchsf.com

Live blues Gumbo Jam at Miss Pearl’s Jam House every second Friday
Miss Pearl’s Jam House is one of those idyllic waterside settings that feels like a party just being there. I find the food and drinks can be hit or miss, but I still love the setting in the continually reviving Jack London Square. What better way to hit Miss Pearl’s than for a second Friday Gumbo Jam (or live music nights all month long, like "Dancin’ Island Sounds")? Chef Joey Altman (of TV and cookbook fame) actually rocks out with blues band, The Back Burners, while serving up a huge pot of gumbo. Way to start your weekend, Nawlins’-style.
2nd Fridays 8pm-12am
One Broadway, Oakland
510-444-7171
www.misspearlsjamhouse.com

Ex-gay, no way: Sexologist Dr. Jallen Rix talks about surviving the ex-gay movement, part 1

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By Justin Juul

jallen2aa.jpg
Dr. Rix, preaching the word

In every great film about post-college urbanites in America, there is a scene in which the hip gay character’s erratic behavior is explained through a montage that looks something like this:

The character — we’ll call him Rickie — is seen as a young child singing in a church choir with another boy. Fast forward two years and Rickie and the other boy – let’s call him Jordan — have become very good friends. They are shown eating lunch together at school, playing football, watching “The Birdcage,” and eventually listening to rock-n-roll music on a record player. This is when “Walk on The Wild Side,” by Lou Reed starts to play. Soon we see Rickie and Jordan –older teenagers now– running out of a school building as hundreds of other students are walking in. The camera follows the boys as they walk to Rickie’s house and then fades out when Rickie opens the door to his room and then slams it behind him. At this point, the POV suddenly switches to Rickie’s mother, a wholesome, but meddling schoolteacher who is inexplicably not at work. She responds to the noise by picking up the phone to call her husband who works at the local church. This is when the song gains momentum and when the images in the montage grow more rapid.

First we see the boys sitting side by side on the bed. Then we see the father grabbing his keys and rushing out the door. Back in Rickie’s room, a cigarette is lit. Mischievous glances are exchanged as the smoke billows and then, just as Lou Reed’s colored girls start to go “do duh do duh do duh do,” we see Rickie’s father kicking down the bedroom door. By the time the next verse of the song starts, it’s two months later and we see Rickie sitting in a classroom. He’s holding a picture of Jordan, and as he twirls it around, we see the words “Jordan RIP” scrawled on the back. Jordan has committed suicide and Rickie has been sentenced to two years at gay camp where he learns to hate himself. The final scene of the montage shows Rickie purchasing a greyhound ticket. He’s finished hiding from himself and from others. He is leaving his family, his church, and his town behind. Cut to Rickie as a young adult. He has just told this story to his best friend, Angela, and they are both crying silently and smoking their fifteenth cigarette of the day.

Very sad stuff, and a little on the dramatic side, but there’s a reason this type of scene occurs so frequently in movies and that’s because it really does happen. Gay kids from small-town religious families really do get sent to ex-gay camps or assigned to ex-gay ministries. And then afterward, when they realize the whole deal is complete bullshit, they really do move to big cities to avoid getting beat up every time they leave the house. The problem with the portrayal of the ex-gay experience in movies is that it’s always either given a comic slant (dorm rooms full of young gays who not-so-secretly enjoy each other’s company immensely) or heavily dramatized (see above). But haven’t you always wondered what it’s really like? Well, we have too.

Talk Normal unearths the secret world of ‘Cog’

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tn cover sml.jpg

TALK NORMAL
Secret Cog
(self-released)

Call it no wave, noise, avant-skrock, or simply the harsh, grinding sound of the daughters of Mars and DNA writhing on their guitar necks and drum sticks beneath the light of a fiercely perturbed Venus. Though it might be less than visible on club bills of late, the underground of women testing the limits of dissonance never quite died, especially in the Bay where 16 Bitch Pileup, T.I.T.S., and Zeek Sheck have staked their ear-wrenching claim in a scene that can be as boy-heavy as any Mastodon show. Though the field has always been varied in its aural strategies, more contemplative, though no less challenging, music-makers like Grouper and Inca Ore – both with ties to these shores – have risen to the fore these days, thanks to last year’s Dragging a Dead Deer Up a Hill (Type) and Birthday of Bless You (Not Not Fun). Perhaps everyone – iconoclasts included – has toned themselves down for hard times, reserving judgement and preserving rage in anticipation of big-time change.

TN sml.jpg

Brooklyn twosome drummer-vocalist Andrya Ambro and guitarist-vocalist Sarah Register, otherwise known as Talk Normal, do have their meditative moments, bent beneath Buddha Machine-y piano notes and sawed-at strings on the Secret Cog EP’s last track, “Rest With Me” until the drone dissolves into fragments of melody then miniature surges of glittered noise. But otherwise Ambro and Register embrace an aggro approach, issuing high-pitched squeals, horn peals, and lumbering counter rhythms on “Grinnin’ in Your Face,” which evoke not only Teenage Jesus and the Jerks but Pussy Galore and later NYC noise-mongers as well as Amphetamine Reptile rageaholics. Talk Normal, what’s normal?

Battlehooch: Fun and freaky

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By Molly Freedenberg

I’ve just figured out what I’m doing on Thursday: going to see Battlehooch (what a great name) at Cafe du Nord. The musicians are friends of a friend, so I might’ve ended up there whether or not I’d done any research. But after listening to their strange, energetic prog rock on myspace – and then watching a vlog piece on what they’re about (the first one on their myspace page)- I’m officially hooked for my own reasons. Thing is, I can’t decide if I like them because these guys are music nerds, because they’re just plain nerds (bandmember non-musical interests include ideas, concepts, and topography), because their music is engaging and strange, or because they seem like so much fun I kinda just want to hang out near them. Either way, I’m betting this band will tickle some of my favorite places – cerebral and otherwise. I’ll have some of that hooch, thanks.

Read the Wiretapmusic review here.

Battlehooch, with The Lovely Public and Schande
Thurs/9
9pm, $10
Cafe du Nord
2170 Market, SF
(415) 861-5016
www.cafedunord.com

Smells like 20-something angst: 500 Days of Summer

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By Juliette Tang

Wednesday night at the Sebastiani Theatre in downtown Sonoma, the Sonoma International Festival kicked off with a showing of 500 Days of Summer, an indie-romance starring the lovely and blue-eyed Zooey Deschanel and the surprisingly-cuter-as-he-ages Joseph Gordon-Levitt, alum of 3rd Rock. Directed by music video director Marc Webb, the cloyingly sentimental movie makes liberal use of a twee ‘supermix’ of popular college radio love songs, which included The Smiths, Regina Spektor, Doves, Belle & Sebastian, Black Lips, Spoon, Jack Penate, and Feist — “Mushaboom,” during a wedding scene, no less. About an unstable romance between two scruffy, marginally hip 20-somethings in Los Angeles, the movie was a hit with a Sonoma audience, who clapped and cheered after the showing. It ought to be mentioned, though, that this audience inexplicably also loved the Comcast commercial that played during the previews, clapping and cheering after that as well.

Deschanel and Gordon-Levitt play Summer and Tom, two people who look like everything that protagonists in ‘quirky’ emo rom-coms are supposed to look like. She has long wavy hair with bangs, wears opaque tights, ballet flats, and little cardigans over vintage dresses. He appears to have a large collection skinny ties, sweater vests, Pumas, and messenger bags. Tellingly, in one scene, Tom actually admits that he fell in love with Summer at first sight, because she looks like what his dream girl would look like. Called 500 Days of Summer because Tom’s relationship with summer lasts – hah – 500 days, most of those 500 days are wasted away by Tom, who is either pining after Summer, or subsequently whining when their whirlwind relationship ends abruptly. The film’s message is that Tom’s grave was entirely self-dug because he didn’t recognize the warning signs. As viewers, we’re left wondering why we should feel sorry for Tom at all if the mess was of his own making.

Confessions: My favorite accidental porn

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By Molly Freedenberg

While catching up on the last season of the L Word last night, I was reminded that I’m not that into porn. Thing is, I do get turned on by media – photos, stories, movies – just rarely media that’s meant explicitly, or exclusively, to excite me sexually. Call it a girl thing. Call it a woeful lack of porn geared towards my particular interests. Whatever you call it, it doesn’t bother me – primarily because there are so many other places (besides actual, you know, life) I find sensual stimulation. Here are some of my favorites:

1. The L Word

It’s been awhile since I’ve watched this Showtime series about ridiculously attractive, femme-y lesbians in L.A. But as I watched the steamy tango (real, not euphemistic) between Bette and Tina in the second-to-last episode of the series, I was reminded of how sexy I used to find all the girl-on-girl action that punctuated every episode. I didn’t even realize how much until I tried to watch it with my Mom. Both uncomfortable, we turned it off halfway through. “I think I’d rather watch this … uh, alone,” she said. My inner embarrassed teenager and I couldn’t have agreed more.


Just one example: Shane and Carmen. (Please ignore the cheesy music.)

Endtroducing … Kutiman

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By Marke B. Kutiman, “Wait for Me” In the future when vids are vinyl, and vinyl is — what? La Chanson de Roland, maybe — people might claim that Kutiman, the Israeli Vegas Pro genius who collages up backwater YouTube vids into breathtaking electronic atmospheric joyrides (see the complete work at http://thru-you.com), was the DJ Shadow of the ’00s. Kutiman, “I M New” I think those people would be wrong (and there are already a number of them). Searching through the all the minor dreck of YouTube to fish out suitable usable samples and build them into destabilized microsymphonies can surely be compared to Shadow’s impeccable crate-diving technique. And the dense sound both derive from their purely sample-driven compositions elicits a similar melancholy (why is that?). But Shadow traded in rarity nostalgia — who the hell else had that 78, man? — whereas Kutiman’s brilliant corners are purely of the moment and completely accessible to all. Except for one of them, now set to “private,” ha. Kutiman is also way more international in musical scope than Shadow — something perhaps more necessary in our globalized age, that Shadow could only hint towards in his Endtroducing… ’90s heyday — which brings Kutiman more in line with the likes of that other frequent Bay boy Amon Tobin, another sample-based innovator who opened the West’s ears to a different native music contextuality and who eschewed nostalgia in favor of up-to-the-minute headtrip breaks. Kutiman, Babylon Band

Sonic Reducer Overage: Snoop Dogg, Eugene Mirman, Jeremy Jay, Skin Horse, and so much more

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San Francisco just can’t, just won’t stop. More musical – and comedic – worthies than one can jam into print.

The Get Up Kids
These lesser-known monsters of emo, progenitors of punk-pop, are back. With Approach. Thurs/2, 8 p.m., $26-$29. Great American Music Hall, 859 O’Farrell, SF. (415) 885-0750.

Deathly youth

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johnny@sfbg.com

A slow descent into a blasted-out void as intimate as it is alienated, the introductory track of the Antlers’ self-released Hospice drops the listener into a sonic space somewhere near This Mortal Coil’s 1984 It’ll End in Tears (4AD). The reference point is a rich one. Jeff Buckley was given to covering It’ll End in Tears‘ opening track, the Alex Chilton composition "Kangaroo," and when Antlers’ singer-songwriter Peter Silberman’s voice enters the scene on Hospice‘s next song, "Kettering," his fallen choir-boy high tenor is a polite echo of the drowned romantic Buckley, whose equally fatalistic father Tim wrote another one of It’ll End in Tears‘ signature tracks. More blatantly, Hospice is an album all about this mortal coil, a recording that — as the title makes clear — lives near or within a threshold into death, alternately charting out or clawing at broken bonds.

Not exactly a light listening experience, whicb might be why Hospice is being greeted as everything from a work of genius (an NPR critic not only deemed it the best album so far this year, but better than anything from 2008) to an overrated angst fest (in the ever-reactive blogosphere, crankier reviewers have envisioned it as backdrop music for Scrubs and deemed it the musical form of Cymbalta). Another aspect of Hospice that triggers strong reactions is its back story, a tale of the now 23-year-old Silberman’s extended creative isolation that’s an urban version of the rural tortured artistry yarn attached to Bon Iver’s acclaimed For Emma, Forever Ago (Jagjauwar, 2008).

To escape the growing chatter, it helps to engage directly with the music, itself far from devoid of cultural signposts. In crafting a 10-song cycle about life and love and death, Silberman draws heavily from the real-life stories and legends of Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes; one gets the impression that he uses them as a loose-fitting cover for the skeletal remains of his own recent brush with mortality. At this point, Plath is a clichéd symbol of suicidal poeticism and youthful valorizing of depression. (I have memories of a fellow Guardian editor singing "You don’t not do, you do not do" from "Lady Lazarus" in a mockery of her proper bell-like intonation during our Detroit days of being young.)

While Silberman’s invocation of Plath’s inconsolable rage and death-drive lacks humor, it isn’t stiff or overly worshipful. He makes her spirit breathe only to quarrel with it. On the anti-lullaby "Bear," animal imagery gets a bleakly comic twist missing from the heavy-handed Hughes’ favored bestial themes. The bottom line is that Silberman is a talented young singer-songwriter. Hospice is not only prodigious in its ambition, it is well-executed. The title of "Thirteen" reinvokes Chilton while the music’s glacial-yet-golden shimmer could be a missing early Slowdive track or an outtake from Gregg Araki’s 2004 film adaptation of Mysterious Skin. Like another "newgazer," Deerhunter’s Bradford Cox, Silberman places the widescreen blurring soundscapes of late-1980s shoegaze bands in the service of American Gothic narrative impulses. In a perverse way, his odes to fatal anorexics and séances for long-dead writers offer the promise of great things to come.

PLAYLIST

Afrobutt, Wonderbutt (Electric Minds) Humor is at play in these neo-disco tracks and their titles, which include "Urgent Workout Required," "Torro de Butt," "Morning Bump," "Cracks All Gone," and "Wunderbutt."

Johan Agebjörn featuring Lisa Barra, Mossebo (Lotuspike) Paging Vangelis: the songwriter and studio whiz behind Sally Shapiro goes new age.

Blackbelt Andersen, Blackbelt Andersen (Full Pupp) Prins Thomas preps us for his vanilla-sented Lindstrøm reunion with this one-man act from his fledgling label.

Lô Borges, Lô Borges and Nuvem Cigana (EMI Brasil) It took me too long to realize all my favorite tracks on 1972’s classic Clube de Esquina are written by Lô. The cover of Lô’s debut album is perfection, and I am completely in love with Nuvem Cigana’s "A força do vento," "Uma canção," "Viver viver," and O vento não me levou."

Serge Gainsbourg, histoire de melody nelson (Light in the Attic) An appreciation of the recent reissue rainfall of Gainsbourg soundtracks and concept song cyles is overdue. For now, this is one of the best.

The New Dawn, There’s a New Dawn (Jackpot) Jackpot indeed — a lost ultra-collectible classic of ’60s Northwest garage rock is revived, much like Jesus.

Ofege, Try and Love (Academy) "It’s Not Easy" is kid soul at its finest, thanks especially to the singing of bandleader Melvin "Noks" Ukachi.

Arthur Russell, …The Sleeping Bag Sessions (Sleeping Bag/Traffic) Koala power! Russell used the narcoleptic furry clasper as the logo for his dance music label. This comp presents some rare treats. His collaborations with Nicky Siano as Felix are two of the best.

Stereo, Somewhere in the Night (Minimal Wave) This 1980s duo’s criss-cross sunglasses put Kanye’s venetian shades to shame. Minimal Wave delivers once again. (Huston)

Agit-aggregator

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› a&eletters@sfbg.com

SONIC REDUCER Due to April 1 budget cuts, the original content in this space has been replaced by a selection of music news items from the wire.

MADONNA ADOPTING COUNTRY OF MALAWI


LILONGWE (Rutters) — Madonna announced her plans to adopt the entire southern African nation today after local friends told her that her adopted Malawian children, David and Mercy James, were lonely and needed companionship. In 2006 some Malawian activists attempted to block David’s adoption, but this time many are endorsing the idea of a high-flying life attached to a parent with a global pop brand. "We had no idea she would take her name so literally," opined a High Court clerk. "Nevertheless, I’m looking forward to meeting my nanny and hanging with the backstage crew at mom’s next arena show."

MICHAEL JACKSON STARRING IN LATEST TWILIGHT INSTALLMENT


LOS ANGELES (APE) — In a surprise move, Twilight heartthrob Robert Pattinson has been dropped from the lead role of vampire hottie Edward Cullen. His replacement: the King of Pop. Producers believe that despite his age and HIStory, Michael Jackson has the tween idol beat in the unnatural skin pallor department. "He’s much more believable as a vampire," said one source.

CHRIS BROWN PICKED LAST FOR DANCING WITH THE STARS


LOS ANGELES (FuxNews) — Just weeks after Chris Brown was charged with felony assault, commercial endorsements were suspended, and his music withdrawn from radio stations, the Putf8um recording artist took another backhand blow to his ego: he was snubbed by the entire cast of the popular TV show and picked last in a very special dancer’s-choice episode. "Sure, the guy can cut a rug," said an unnamed contestant. "But everyone saw those unauthorized TMZ pics of his last cut-up partner. Performers always say, ‘Break a leg.’ I don’t want to take that chance."

KANYE WEST: ‘YEAH, I HAVE AN AUTO-TUNE IMPLANT — SO WHAT?’


NEW YORK CITY (Eek! Online) — "It’s just another tool in the studio," hip-hop artist Kanye West said. "Now I don’t even need to touch a computer to get my sound." Emboldened by the success of the operation, West’s surgeons plan to remove a part of the G.O.O.D. Music founder’s brain and install an entire suite of Pro Tools plug-ins.

JONAS BROTHERS BUSTED IN HUMAN ANTI-GROWTH HORMONE STING


WYCKOFF, N.J. — (EmptyV.com) In an effort not to become Hanson or New Kids on the Block, Kevin, Nick, and Joe Jonas have been taking massive amounts of HAH in an effort to retain their tween demographic, allege Wyckoff police after a 4 a.m. raid on the Jonas family McMansion. "Our management told us we were taking flaxseed oil," Kevin said. "They claimed it was pixie dust," added Joe.

ALL-GIRL INDIE ROCK GROUP TAKE HAIR BAND EFFORT TO NEW LEVEL: WITH BEARDS


PORTLAND, Ore. (Ditchfork) — As one of the most pervasive trends in indie rock, beards have stood the test of time and triple-blade, pivoting shavers. One all-girl combo, however, is proving that they can play that game too: this week the Portland-based Her Suit obtained beard transplants at the O’Hare Baldness Clinic outside Chicago. The number of friends on the band’s MySpace page has risen tenfold, particularly among the follically challenged.

MP3S FOUND TO CAUSE CANCER, NEW VINYL FORMAT CONSIDERED ‘ANTI-CARCINOGEN’


SAGINAW, Mich. (AFPEE) — Scientists have determined a link between heavy use of iPods and other MP3 players and increased risk of cochlear cancer. The same team of scientists also determined a simple preventive measure: a protective vinyl coating applied to the actual MP3 players. "Vinyl is not only better," said one researcher. "It makes everything better."

NO JOKE

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN AND THE E STREET BAND


How prescient is Working on a Dream (Columbia), when employment seems like a figment of the imagination for so many? Wed/1, 7:30 p.m., $38–$95. HP Pavilion, 525 W. Santa Clara, San Jose. www.livenation.com

GREAT LAKE SWIMMERS AND KATE MAKI


Still, sweet waters run deep: GLS drifts softly and drowsily, with nods to country music’s storytelling tradition, whereas ex-neuroscience student Maki teamed with Howe Gelb for On High (OW OM, 2008) and gently noggin-rattling arrangements that go beyond the solo acoustic guitar. Fri/3, 9 p.m., $12. Bottom of the Hill, 1233 17th St., SF. www.bottomofthehill.com

LILA DOWNS


The Oaxaca native sifts together Fleetwood Mac and Lucinda Williams covers with an original, "Shake Away" — and a bared bellybutton — that seem like a Mesoamerican bid for Shakira’s Latin-crossover crown. Sat/4, 9 p.m., $30. Fillmore, 1805 Geary, SF. www.livenation.com

LILY ALLEN


It’s her, it’s us: one of the first pint-sized, powerhouse MySpace stars chips away at detractors with the "darker, faster" It’s Not Me, It’s You (Capitol). Sat/4, 9 p.m., $30–$32. Warfield, 982 Market, SF. www.goldenvoice.com

AHMAD JAMAL


"Darn that Dream" seems so far away, yet the 78-year-old mastermind with the keys keeps working for the ineffable, last with It’s Magic (Dreyfus, 2008). Sat/4, 8 p.m., $20–$75. Herbst Theatre, 401 Van Ness, SF. www.sfjazz.com

BURMESE


According to member Weasel Walter, Mike, Mark, Mike, and Tissue have come out of hiding, not to play blistering noise from their new 10-inch, but to cover the Circle Jerks’ Group Sex (Frontier, 1980), fore to aft, instead. With the Human Quena Orchestra and Geronimo. Sun/5, 9 p.m., $7. Hemlock Tavern, 1131 Polk, SF. www.hemlocktavern.com

Sonic Reducer: Madonna! Kanye! Jonas Brothers! Michael Jackson!

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By Kimberly Chun

chrisbrowndancing.jpg
Chris Brown on Dancing With the Stars

SONIC REDUCER Due to April 1 budget cuts, the original content in this space has been replaced by a selection of music news items from the wire.

————

MADONNA ADOPTING COUNTRY OF MALAWI

LILONGWE (Rutters) — Madonna announced her plans to adopt the entire southern African nation today after local friends told her that her adopted Malawian children, David and Mercy James, were lonely and needed companionship. In 2006 some Malawian activists attempted to block David’s adoption, but this time many are endorsing the idea of a high-flying life attached to a parent with a global pop brand. "We had no idea she would take her name so literally," opined a High Court clerk. "Nevertheless, I’m looking forward to meeting my nanny and hanging with the backstage crew at mom’s next arena show."

————

279-sonic.web.jpg
Jacko in Twilight 2: Teens Suck

MICHAEL JACKSON STARRING IN LATEST TWILIGHT INSTALLMENT

LOS ANGELES (APE) — In a surprise move, Twilight heartthrob Robert Pattinson has been dropped from the lead role of vampire hottie Edward Cullen. His replacement: the King of Pop. Producers believe that despite his age and HIStory, Michael Jackson has the tween idol beat in the unnatural skin pallor department. "He’s much more believable as a vampire," said one source.

———–

CHRIS BROWN PICKED LAST FOR DANCING WITH THE STARS

LOS ANGELES (FuxNews) — Just weeks after Chris Brown was charged with felony assault, commercial endorsements were suspended, and his music withdrawn from radio stations, the Platinum recording artist took another backhand blow to his ego: he was snubbed by the entire cast of the popular TV show and picked last in a very special dancer’s-choice episode. "Sure, the guy can cut a rug," said an unnamed contestant. "But everyone saw those unauthorized TMZ pics of his last cut-up partner. Performers always say, ‘Break a leg.’ I don’t want to take that chance."

———–

KANYE WEST: ‘YEAH, I HAVE AN AUTO-TUNE IMPLANT — SO WHAT?’

NEW YORK CITY (Eek! Online) — "It’s just another tool in the studio," hip-hop artist Kanye West said. "Now I don’t even need to touch a computer to get my sound." Emboldened by the success of the operation, West’s surgeons plan to remove a part of the G.O.O.D. Music founder’s brain and install an entire suite of Pro Tools plug-ins.

————

sonicjonasa.jpg
Jonas Bros in 2012 (projected)

JONAS BROTHERS BUSTED IN HUMAN ANTI-GROWTH HORMONE STING

WYCKOFF, N.J. — (EmptyV.com) In an effort not to become Hanson or New Kids on the Block, Kevin, Nick, and Joe Jonas have been taking massive amounts of HAH in an effort to retain their tween demographic, allege Wyckoff police after a 4 a.m. raid on the Jonas family McMansion. "Our management told us we were taking flaxseed oil," Kevin said. "They claimed it was pixie dust," added Joe.

————

ALL-GIRL INDIE ROCK GROUP TAKE HAIR BAND EFFORT TO NEW LEVEL: WITH BEARDS

PORTLAND, Ore. (Ditchfork) — As one of the most pervasive trends in indie rock, beards have stood the test of time and triple-blade, pivoting shavers. One all-girl combo, however, is proving that they can play that game too: this week the Portland-based Her Suit obtained beard transplants at the O’Hare Baldness Clinic outside Chicago. The number of friends on the band’s MySpace page has risen tenfold, particularly among the follically challenged.

————-

MP3S FOUND TO CAUSE CANCER, NEW VINYL FORMAT CONSIDERED ‘ANTI-CARCINOGEN’

SAGINAW, Mich. (AFPEE) — Scientists have determined a link between heavy use of iPods and other MP3 players and increased risk of cochlear cancer. The same team of scientists also determined a simple preventive measure: a protective vinyl coating applied to the actual MP3 players. "Vinyl is not only better," said one researcher. "It makes everything better."

Music pick: Pier Paolo — uberexperimental post-cultural pan-Euro Situational demigods one-upped indie before indie was all uptight about it

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pierpaolo0309a.jpg
They thought through it first, then

By Max Goldberg

PREVIEW Though not as well known as contemporaneous post-punk politicos Gang of Four and Scritti Politti, Milanese quintet Pier Paolo produced a trio of wildly experimental EPs in the late 1970s that refuse to assimilate to faddish rock historiographies. Avanti (Rabbit’s Moon, 1978) and Naked City (Dérive, 1978) shadow Gramsci-inspired lyrical denouements with febrile musical leitmotifs that seem to dissolve as soon as they are discerned. Putting to shame Factory Records’ later situationist-ripping tactic of sheathing 12-inch singles in sandpaper, they even released one single as a 78 rpm wrapped in pages from Cuir magazine. Pier Paolo has long known how to cultivate an enigmatic image, right down to posing for their own photos. The group’s central innovation — a split-screen approach to rhythm and textural ambience, set astride by Gérard Lebovici’s dry production — may not sound like much on paper, but the double-drummer chaos suggests what would have happened if the Talking Heads and Brian Eno had pushed past bourgeois niceties. The band’s unmatched achievement is Abjection (NoNo, 1979), a mutant mix of millennial dub, soft-hewn minimalism, and verses cribbed from The Society of the Spectacle. Thirty years later, Pier Paolo is making its first stateside appearances, and the shows promise to be a bold redress of the usual reunion tactics.

PIER PAOLO with Conrad’s Bane. Wed/1, 8 p.m., $20. Direland, 401 Paril Loofs, SF. (555) TEO-REMA, www.fakebands.com

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