sfbg Archives — Page 39 of 59 — San Francisco Bay Guardian Archive 1966

Live Review: Bridez at the Knockout 4/2

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April 8, 2009

By Laura Mason

Members of lo-fi favorites Bridez hang out in this “candid” pic.

We may pride ourselves on this city’s intellectual panache or European debonaire, but the real ego tripping starts with the thriving rock & roll pedigree ingrained in the underbelly of San Francisco that I suspect is the real reason the city’s 20-something set gets dressed in the morning.

This snarling, sweating rock & roll animal is the perfect companion to the stiff drinks and barroom sleaze that dominate our night lives, and bottle-feeding this beast is Bridez. Their lo-fi gospel is true blue, rough-hewn and rife with cool angst, fronted by a singer who could be the testtube lovechild of Karen O., Lou Reed and Courtney Love. Chanteuse Liza Thorn, formerly of So So Many White White Tigers, has impressively mastered a white-hot on-stage swagger most girls only have the courage to do in front of a bedroom mirror, and is quickly blooming into the blazing frontwoman San Francisco needs.

Street Threads: Look of the Day

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April 8, 2009

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SFBG photog Ariel Soto scoops SF street fashion. See the previous Look of the Day here.

Today’s Look: Elizabeth, City Hall

Tell us about your look: “I’ll wear anything as long as it’s comfortable.”

Marissa Nadler, where is your unicorn?

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April 7, 2009

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By Kimberly Chun

Who is the shy girl casting her eyes downward on the cover of Little Hells (Kemado)? Here in Hell, Marissa Nadler could be a damsel who has tumbled from a frayed tapestry in search of her unicorn, a crystal doll who has escaped from her vitrine, or a tubercular maid who has slipped out of her Victorian deathbed photograph to traipse this earthly plane. She’s the dark, downbeat cousin of the enormous-eyed cameo cutie gracing The Saga of Mayflower May (Eclipse, 2005), the sunlit warbler singing in the lawn at the first Arthur Fest, and the whimsical Rhode Island School of Design-educated artist I spoke to around the time of Songs III: Bird on the Water (Kemado, 2007).

With her fourth full-length, Nadler enters a new, more synthetic, and increasingly richer musical realm than that on her previous recordings — one outfitted with its own exquisite troubles and terrors. The almost imperceptibly swooping faux strings that strafe "Heart Paper Lover" sound like tiny planes dive-bombing a cruel sweetheart. The goth muses slumbering within Nadler’s out-folk also come to light, blinking: one imagines Mary Shelley waking to find herself in Frankenstein’s grave-dirt-encrusted shoes on the harpsichord-strewn, almost Sisters of Mercy-like "Mary Comes Alive." Still, Nadler’s voice has never sounded so fine — catching itself on miniscule beads of longing on "Rosary" and fading, delicately detuned, like a dying darling on "Ghosts and Lovers."

MARISSA NADLER With Eric Shea. Wed/8, 9:30 p.m., $10-$12. Cafe du Nord, 2170 Market, SF. (415) 861-5016, www.cafedunord.com

The Blender: What we’ve been eating

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April 7, 2009

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By the peckish Guardian staff

(1) Charcuterie plate and salmon with mussels and asparagus, L’Ardoise

(2) LaLoo‘s black mission fig goat’s milk ice cream

(3) Three’s a Crowd roll, We Be Sushi

(4) Duck liver mousse with truffles, La Folie

(5) Green chicken curry, Magic Curry Kart

alt.sex.column: Oprah begs for mercy

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April 7, 2009

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By Andrea Nemerson. View more alt.sex columns here. Email your questions to Andrea: andrea@altsexcolumn.com

Dear Readers:

"Oprah begs for mercy" sounds so much like the title of one of the S/M fantasy stories you can read online that I just couldn’t resist it, but honestly, read this:

Dr. Berman: … and this is a little holster that the guy can wear so this goes around his penis.

Oprah: Oh, please.

Dr. Berman: Yeah. Around his penis for hands-free clitoral stimulation during intercourse.

Oprah: OK. You have just crossed the line with me.

Dr. Berman: OK. Are you ready?

Oprah: No, you have crossed the line with me. I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.

Dr. Berman: All right, look. Here is the penis. (Makes shadow-puppet gesture.)

Oprah: I swear. I’m not ready for it. I’m not ready. I’m not ready for it. No. I am not ready for it. Let’s move on.

The doctor is Laura Berman of the Berman Institute in Los Angeles, where, between Laura’s therapy and her urologist sister Jennifer’s research, anyone female with enough money and not enough orgasms can get her bits seen to. They do excellent work. I’d be tempted to go myself out of curiosity if I lived more southerly and had more money and less doctor-phobia. Doesn’t Laura, usually so nice, seem to be getting something of a kick out of playing "torture the media mogul" there, though?

Funny, actually, since these appearances on The Oprah Winfrey Show have sold gazillions of her vibrators and carried Berman’s name, credentials, and well-tended features with them into bed with viewers nationwide and further.

These are mostly not the penis-mounted marital aides the doctor is describing above, but the Berman Center brand’s workhorse, the Aphrodite. It’s a Magic Wand-type rechargeable nicknamed "the sure thing." How sure a thing is it, and is there anything about it that should automatically win the trust of an audience presumably tuning in more for makeovers, lifestyle tips, and celebrity gossip than for "Look, Oprah, here’s the penis … ?"

Local Artist of the Week: Dana Harel

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April 7, 2009

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LOCAL ARTIST Dana Harel

TITLE Circus Ranivorus, graphite on paper, 96 by 72 inches

STORY This is from a series of 10 graphite drawings. The positioning of the hands references traditional shadow puppetry, without the use of light and shadow. Each animal is rendered at the scale of the true creature. Harel: "I am exploring the construction of fictional hybrid combinations, treating the body as kin to all wild things."

BIO Born and raised in Israel, Harel received her BFA in architecture from California College of the Arts in 2000. Her work has been selected for juried shows at Southern Exposure and Gen Art.

SHOW "Dana Harel: Kin," through May 3. Tues.-Sat., 11 a.m.-7 p.m.; Sun., 11 a.m.- 5p.m. Frey Norris Gallery, 456 Geary, SF. (415) 346-7812.

WEB www.freynorris.com

Ex-gay, no way: Sexologist Dr. Jallen Rix talks about surviving the ex-gay movement, part 1

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April 7, 2009

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By Justin Juul

Dr. Rix, preaching the word

In every great film about post-college urbanites in America, there is a scene in which the hip gay character’s erratic behavior is explained through a montage that looks something like this:

The character — we’ll call him Rickie — is seen as a young child singing in a church choir with another boy. Fast forward two years and Rickie and the other boy – let’s call him Jordan — have become very good friends. They are shown eating lunch together at school, playing football, watching “The Birdcage,” and eventually listening to rock-n-roll music on a record player. This is when “Walk on The Wild Side,” by Lou Reed starts to play. Soon we see Rickie and Jordan –older teenagers now– running out of a school building as hundreds of other students are walking in. The camera follows the boys as they walk to Rickie’s house and then fades out when Rickie opens the door to his room and then slams it behind him. At this point, the POV suddenly switches to Rickie’s mother, a wholesome, but meddling schoolteacher who is inexplicably not at work. She responds to the noise by picking up the phone to call her husband who works at the local church. This is when the song gains momentum and when the images in the montage grow more rapid.

First we see the boys sitting side by side on the bed. Then we see the father grabbing his keys and rushing out the door. Back in Rickie’s room, a cigarette is lit. Mischievous glances are exchanged as the smoke billows and then, just as Lou Reed’s colored girls start to go “do duh do duh do duh do,” we see Rickie’s father kicking down the bedroom door. By the time the next verse of the song starts, it’s two months later and we see Rickie sitting in a classroom. He’s holding a picture of Jordan, and as he twirls it around, we see the words “Jordan RIP” scrawled on the back. Jordan has committed suicide and Rickie has been sentenced to two years at gay camp where he learns to hate himself. The final scene of the montage shows Rickie purchasing a greyhound ticket. He’s finished hiding from himself and from others. He is leaving his family, his church, and his town behind. Cut to Rickie as a young adult. He has just told this story to his best friend, Angela, and they are both crying silently and smoking their fifteenth cigarette of the day.

Very sad stuff, and a little on the dramatic side, but there’s a reason this type of scene occurs so frequently in movies and that’s because it really does happen. Gay kids from small-town religious families really do get sent to ex-gay camps or assigned to ex-gay ministries. And then afterward, when they realize the whole deal is complete bullshit, they really do move to big cities to avoid getting beat up every time they leave the house. The problem with the portrayal of the ex-gay experience in movies is that it’s always either given a comic slant (dorm rooms full of young gays who not-so-secretly enjoy each other’s company immensely) or heavily dramatized (see above). But haven’t you always wondered what it’s really like? Well, we have too.

Editorial: What’s Newsom got to offer?

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April 7, 2009

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Every resident will have to pay more but most people can live with that if the cuts are fair, the pain is properly shared, and there’s plenty of time to discuss it openly. Where’s Newsom?

EDITORIAL The front-line city employees have stepped up to the plate. Members of Service Employees International Union Local 1021, the largest of the city-worker unions, are discussing concessions worth close to $40 million, the equivalent of the raises they were set to get in next year’s budget. Other unions will likely follow suit, meaning that as much as 20 percent of the city’s budget deficit could come directly out of the pockets of city workers.

That was probably inevitable, and Local 1021 members were willing to give up pay increases to avoid further layoffs. Nevertheless, it makes the point very clear: Labor was willing to come to the table and offer to do its share. Now Newsom needs to do the same thing.

Bosque Brown rides a haunting river through ‘Baby’

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April 7, 2009

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By Todd Lavoie

BOSQUE BROWN

Baby

(Burnt Toast Vinyl)

One should be easily forgiven for thinking that Bosque Brown is the effort of one person, recorded under a group-name alias, a la Cat Power/Chan Marshall — vocalist/songwriter Mara Lee Miller is such a dynamic presence on its just-released disc Baby that it isn’t too tough to imagine everything coming from a single creative force. In reality, the Denton, Texas spinetinglers are a sextet, named for the Bosque River which runs through town; not sure about the “Brown” part, other than the color choice connotes an earthiness reflective of their rustic Americana bent. Miller’s haunting visions — funneled through an alluringly dusty twang and slow-drawled delivery — are singular enough to separate the band from the ever-swelling masses of No Depression devotees, but her partners’ careful construction of sighing backdrops and moody undercurrents not only testifies to their strength as an ensemble, but also adds more than a few exclamation points to their must-hear status.

There is something in the tense hushes and quiet understatement creaking away in the background which brings to mind a more melancholic Hem, or perhaps even a nervier Cowboy Junkies, circa The Trinity Session (1988, RCA). It also wouldn’t take too much of a leap in imagination to consider Baby a spiritual cousin to Cat Power’s immaculately restrained Moon Pix (1998, Matador). As you might have figured from the aforementioned reference points, there are shiver-inducing moments a-plenty here.

Bosque Brown, “On and Off”

Appetite: Czech in FiDi, Easter meals, Bushi-Tei bistro, Front Porch bones, and more

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April 7, 2009

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By Virginia Miller

The new cityhouse: apres-shopping bacon-wrapped swordfish

As long-time San Francisco resident and writer, I’m passionate about this city and obsessed with exploring its best food-and-drink spots, deals, events and news, in every neighborhood and cuisine type. I have my own personalized itinerary service and monthly food/drink/travel newsletter, The Perfect Spot, and am thrilled to share up-to-the minute news with you from the endless goings-on in our fair city each week on SFBG. View the last Appetite installment here.

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NEW RESTAURANT and BAR OPENINGS
A double-dose of Bushi-Tei in Japantown with a new bistro
I love you, Bushi-Tei. Though a Michelin-star winner with rave reviews, I often wonder why few seem to have been to this upscale Asian restaurant with a French cuisine ethos? Chef Wakabayashi is a genius, as far as I’m concerned, and the experience, from wine list to savory dishes to desserts, have always been a creative-fresh thrill for me over the years. I dig the dark woods of the modern dining room, the seamless service, and most of all, the glorious food. So I’m delighted to see the unveiling of Bushi-Tei Bistro this week, with a $6-15 price range and dishes like housemade udon, Japanese curry and sushi. Conveniently close to key Japantown/Lower Fillmore landmarks, I’d guess this could be the new gourmet-but-affordable-Asian-eats stop before or after a movie at Sundance Kabuki, a visit to the Kabuki Spring spa or a concert at the Fillmore.
1581 Webster Street
415-409-4959
www.bushi-tei.com

Cityhouse debuts in the Parc 55 Hotel
It appears to be another Union Square hotel restaurant (i.e. expensive), but Parc 55 Hotel‘s $30 million makeover (scheduled to be done in June) includes this steakhouse restaurant, cityhouse, helmed by Chef Brian Healy of the former Terrace at the Ritz-Carlton San Francisco. Open for breakfast, lunch and dinner with an all-day bar oferring swank cocktails and bar bites, it’s a downtown shopping respite or meet-up spot with visiting friends craving steak, bacon-wrapped swordfish, oysters and strawberry rhubarb crisp.
55 Cyril Magnin Street
415-392-8000
http://dev.tigglobal.com/RenaissanceParc55/restaurants/cityhouse.cfm

Street Threads: Look of the Day

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April 7, 2009

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SFBG photog Ariel Soto scoops SF street fashion. See the previous Look of the Day here.

Today’s Look: Dylan, 25th Street and Castro

Tell us about your look: “I’m sorta a rock star and I love really skinny jeans.”

Pics: Habib Koite and Bamada have ’em dancing in aisles

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April 6, 2009

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Text and photos by Ariel Soto

Habib Koite and his band Bamada filled Zellerbach Hall in Berkeley with a myriad of rythms and beats Friday, April 3. Habib started the show with a mellow set of almost lullaby-esqe pieces, using his luscious voice and beautiful guitar playing to entrance his audience.

Iraq: Six gay men shot at clerics’ urging

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April 6, 2009

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By Marke B.

Today came word that six men had been shot for being gay in Baghdad’s Sadr City — two last Thursday and four earlier, their bodies unearthed on March 25 with signs reading “pervert” pinned to their chests. Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr had called for a “crackdown” on gays. “Sermons condemning homosexuality were read at the last two Friday prayer gatherings in Sadr City, a sprawling Baghdad slum of some 2 million people,” according to Reuters

“Two young men were killed on Thursday. They were sexual deviants. Their tribes killed them to restore their family honor,” a Sadr City official who declined to be named said.

“This (homosexuality) has spread because of the absence of the Mehdi Army, the spread of sexual films and satellite television and a lack of government surveillance,” said the office’s Sheikh Ibrahim al-Gharawi, a Shi’ite cleric.

According to an eyewitness, a cafe known for being a gay hangout was also burned down.

“Homosexuality is not a crime in Iraq,” said our own State Department (specifically, John Fleming, the public affairs officer for the Bureau of Near Eastern Affairs) last Thursday when confronted by an international outcry over the alleged possibility of “execution in batches” of gays imprisoned for “moral crimes” there.

“Venture” adventure

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April 6, 2009

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By Natalie Gregory

I hadn’t seen The Venture Bros. before writing this review. I like Adult Swim. But I happen upon it very randomly, when I’m in a certain sort of mood. For devout Adult Swim fans, please skip the next few sentences. Inspired by old school action cartoons, The Venture Bros. features the Venture family, headed by the Monarch and his wife Dr. Girlfriend. They are villains, you see, who face all the problems of a family ruling the universe (or at least trying to take it over through industrial innovation). It feels a little like a cartoon version of Dr. Evil’s shenanigans. It’s amusing, though sometimes, as with other animated series, it feels like one should ingest marijuana before viewing. It’s really all about being in the weird world of the Ventures, and paying attention just enough to catch the wittiest remarks. Well, if you need explanations, there are always DVD commentaries to look forward to.

The Venture Bros. Season 3 is now available on DVD.

Style on (less than) a Dime: Take the boring out of button down

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April 6, 2009

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SFBG’s Laura Peach checks out local fashion you can afford. Check out her latest installment here.

Recently I was talking to a friend who lost her job. She was lamenting about her feelings of uselessness and loafing round the house looking for something to do. “Maybe I could pick up knitting… or crocheting… something, anything to keep my hands busy.” A few minutes later came the shift in conversation to clothes, and how she is bored with everything in her closet.

It was this combination of topics – unemployment, the need for a hobby, and the desire for an updated wardrobe – that led us to the idea of reconstructing our own clothes. Cheap? Check. (The clothes are already in your closet.) Keeps the hands busy? Check. Revamps the wardrobe? Double check.

Problem is, we didn’t know how. So we asked fabulous local clothing reconstructionist Miranda Caroligne, who we profiled in January’s Careers and Education section , where to start. She showed us how to turn a boring button-down into an exciting frilled-top worthy of Louis XIV (should his highness become a modern Mission-dweller). With her directions, some basic sewing materials, a shirt out of your closet, and a little time (which, if you are stuck in the same situation as my friend, you may have plenty of), you can reinvigorate your style without spending a dime.

Learn to make this shirt yourself! Fun and recession-friendly. Photo by Kimberly Sandie.

Street Threads: Look of the Day

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April 6, 2009

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SFBG photog Ariel Soto scoops SF street fashion. See the previous Look of the Day here.

Today’s Look: Anna, Second Street and King

Tell us about your look: “I always like to by comfy, no matter what I’m wearing.”

Io-wha???

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April 3, 2009

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By Marke B.

Lat night, I attended the annual gala for the International Gay and Lesbian Human Rights Campaign (or IGLHRC) — last year’s gala feted Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and this one, while considerably smaller, was also mega-inspiring. It was held mostly to honor Helem, an incredible and youthful gay rights organization based in Lebanon, but it also served as an introduction to IGLHRC’s new Executive Director, Cary Alan Johnson. The intensely charismatic Johnson spoke of how he had just visited nine starving gay prisoners in Senegal, convicted of “engaging in acts against the order of nature” and ordered to serve eight years — the men in fact had simply gathered at an apartment to discuss AIDS education (and were therefore also convicted of conspiracy.)

He also spoke about how IGLHRC’s small ground team in Uganda was desperate to combat a huge new wave of creepy American religious right extremists (totally creepy — one horrid group of them is called “Extreme Prophetic Ministry!”), who were openly and vocally attacking Ugandan LGBTs and insisting they could be “cured.” Johnson also described IGLHRC’s role in assisting all the people who had been beaten senseless in the backlash against South Africa’s recent adoption of same-sex marriage laws.

The speech was pretty rousing and I was soon wiping my eyes on the bf’s sleeve as the emotions poured out for my persecuted peeps around the globe. Would there ever be any bright spots in the seemingly eternal struggle to get other people to fucking mind their own goshdarned business?

Street Threads: Look of the Day

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April 3, 2009

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SFBG photog Ariel Soto scoops SF street fashion. See the previous Look of the Day here.

Today’s Look: Halley, Hyde and Market

Tell us about your look: “I’m a second-hand fashion person.”

Smells like 20-something angst: 500 Days of Summer

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April 3, 2009

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By Juliette Tang

Wednesday night at the Sebastiani Theatre in downtown Sonoma, the Sonoma International Festival kicked off with a showing of 500 Days of Summer, an indie-romance starring the lovely and blue-eyed Zooey Deschanel and the surprisingly-cuter-as-he-ages Joseph Gordon-Levitt, alum of 3rd Rock. Directed by music video director Marc Webb, the cloyingly sentimental movie makes liberal use of a twee ‘supermix’ of popular college radio love songs, which included The Smiths, Regina Spektor, Doves, Belle & Sebastian, Black Lips, Spoon, Jack Penate, and Feist — “Mushaboom,” during a wedding scene, no less. About an unstable romance between two scruffy, marginally hip 20-somethings in Los Angeles, the movie was a hit with a Sonoma audience, who clapped and cheered after the showing. It ought to be mentioned, though, that this audience inexplicably also loved the Comcast commercial that played during the previews, clapping and cheering after that as well.

Deschanel and Gordon-Levitt play Summer and Tom, two people who look like everything that protagonists in ‘quirky’ emo rom-coms are supposed to look like. She has long wavy hair with bangs, wears opaque tights, ballet flats, and little cardigans over vintage dresses. He appears to have a large collection skinny ties, sweater vests, Pumas, and messenger bags. Tellingly, in one scene, Tom actually admits that he fell in love with Summer at first sight, because she looks like what his dream girl would look like. Called 500 Days of Summer because Tom’s relationship with summer lasts – hah – 500 days, most of those 500 days are wasted away by Tom, who is either pining after Summer, or subsequently whining when their whirlwind relationship ends abruptly. The film’s message is that Tom’s grave was entirely self-dug because he didn’t recognize the warning signs. As viewers, we’re left wondering why we should feel sorry for Tom at all if the mess was of his own making.

Street Threads: Look of the Day

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April 2, 2009

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SFBG photog Ariel Soto scoops SF street fashion. See the previous Look of the Day here.

Today’s Look: Olena, Civic Center

Tell us about your look: “I like European style.”

Hot pix! Amish Country Gazebos (NSFW)

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March 31, 2009

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Here’s what happens when you step into an Amish Country Gazebo:

… the temperature rises … the body relaxes … and the mind wanders ….

…. you get a fresh perspective — an invigorating splash of tranquillity — whether you’re enjoying a morning cup of coffee, an evening glass of tea, or your neighbor’s wife ….

…. whether you’re laughing with family or having “private time” outdoors ….

….whether you’re engaged in meaningful conversation or set mentally adrift in tantalizing iPhone pornography ….

… remember, it’s your gazebo — to do with what you will ….

…. it will always be there for you … for whatever … forever …

All hail our new corporate overlords!

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March 31, 2009

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Editor’s Notes by Tim Redmond

It was hard in the good old days. Back when we were young and San Francisco was cheap and I was really cool with my long hair and motorcycle and stuff. You could rent an apartment for $200 a month, and even though we weren’t making much money in those days, there was plenty left over for drugs.

Back then, a guy like me would never have respected a politician like Gavin Newsom. You know: Party pooper. High-society twit. He even blamed his drinking for his tawdry affairs; we always though our tawdry affairs were the best reason for our drinking. And we never went into rehab. How, like, Betty Ford can you be?

But now I’m older and have a family and take cholesterol medication and I’ve come to realize how much I like Gavin Newsom. I mean, I don’t like him, not all Beth Spotswood or anything, but he’s growing on me.

I remember when he was running for reelection, and he came down to the Guardian to talk to us, and I asked him why he should get another term when the city was so eminently fucked up, and he said: "Gee, why did I even bother to get up this morning?"

That’s the kind of question you’d never hear Jerry Brown or John Garamendi ask. They know why they got up this morning; they are past the time of wonder and self-doubt.

Old farts is what they are.

So this week we endorse Gavin — Our Mayor — for governor of California. You won’t read that in SF Weekly — they don’t even do endorsements, pathetic little shits.

In other news, I’m happy to announce that the Guardian has settled its lawsuit with SF Weekly and Village Voice Media.

Gav for Guv! Do it to ’em, Newsom

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March 31, 2009

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A special Guardian endorsement

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POTUS here he comes!

California’s a tough place. It’s a state of clashing values — of coastal liberals who want good public services, environmental protection, and gay marriage and central valley conservatives who want nothing of the sort. It’s run by a fractious, divisive legislature that desperately needs a firm hand. It’s a state so big and complex that it has defied the abilities of generations of talented politicians, from Jerry Brown and George Deukmejian to Gray Davis and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

And yet, we refuse to give up on the Golden State. It’s been the Guardian‘s home since 1966, the place where we launched what would be the first alternative paper on the West Coast. It’s a place with endless possibilities, from sunshine to public power to tax reform, and we can’t risk its future on another worthless, wimpy chief executive.

That’s why we’re taking the unusual step of announcing an early endorsement for governor. We’re backing the only candidate strong enough, smart enough, sober enough, and secure enough in his own self worth and image to take on the Sisyphean task of running California. Today, we’re endorsing Gavin Newsom.

The mayor of San Francisco may look like a lightweight fop, but that’s unfair — we know him better. This is a young man who grew up cleaning toilets then went on to found his own successful business, using nothing but the wealth and connections of a billionaire family friend to help him. A man who has never spent a day in his life without comfortable surroundings yet developed a remarkable empathy for the less fortunate, and capitalized on their misery to promote his career. A man who travels the world in the company of movies stars and brilliant entrepreneurs, fearlessly promoting his home town while the rest of the whiney little twerps at City Hall just sit in committee meetings and bitch.

Losers.

Newsom’s platform is perfect for this state, at this time. He supports marriage; after all, he’s done it twice himself. He’s even gotten involved in the marriages of close friends and advisors! And he thinks the rest of us, no matter what our sexual proclivities, should have the right to be miserable too.

Newsom talks not just of change, but of "gigantic order-of-magnitude change." He thinks we should all come together to solve the state’s problems instead of pointing fingers of blame — and isn’t that just the sweetest?

Sonic Reducer: Madonna! Kanye! Jonas Brothers! Michael Jackson!

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March 31, 2009

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By Kimberly Chun

Chris Brown on Dancing With the Stars

SONIC REDUCER Due to April 1 budget cuts, the original content in this space has been replaced by a selection of music news items from the wire.

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MADONNA ADOPTING COUNTRY OF MALAWI

LILONGWE (Rutters) — Madonna announced her plans to adopt the entire southern African nation today after local friends told her that her adopted Malawian children, David and Mercy James, were lonely and needed companionship. In 2006 some Malawian activists attempted to block David’s adoption, but this time many are endorsing the idea of a high-flying life attached to a parent with a global pop brand. "We had no idea she would take her name so literally," opined a High Court clerk. "Nevertheless, I’m looking forward to meeting my nanny and hanging with the backstage crew at mom’s next arena show."

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Jacko in Twilight 2: Teens Suck

MICHAEL JACKSON STARRING IN LATEST TWILIGHT INSTALLMENT

LOS ANGELES (APE) — In a surprise move, Twilight heartthrob Robert Pattinson has been dropped from the lead role of vampire hottie Edward Cullen. His replacement: the King of Pop. Producers believe that despite his age and HIStory, Michael Jackson has the tween idol beat in the unnatural skin pallor department. "He’s much more believable as a vampire," said one source.

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CHRIS BROWN PICKED LAST FOR DANCING WITH THE STARS

LOS ANGELES (FuxNews) — Just weeks after Chris Brown was charged with felony assault, commercial endorsements were suspended, and his music withdrawn from radio stations, the Platinum recording artist took another backhand blow to his ego: he was snubbed by the entire cast of the popular TV show and picked last in a very special dancer’s-choice episode. "Sure, the guy can cut a rug," said an unnamed contestant. "But everyone saw those unauthorized TMZ pics of his last cut-up partner. Performers always say, ‘Break a leg.’ I don’t want to take that chance."

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KANYE WEST: ‘YEAH, I HAVE AN AUTO-TUNE IMPLANT — SO WHAT?’

NEW YORK CITY (Eek! Online) — "It’s just another tool in the studio," hip-hop artist Kanye West said. "Now I don’t even need to touch a computer to get my sound." Emboldened by the success of the operation, West’s surgeons plan to remove a part of the G.O.O.D. Music founder’s brain and install an entire suite of Pro Tools plug-ins.

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Jonas Bros in 2012 (projected)

JONAS BROTHERS BUSTED IN HUMAN ANTI-GROWTH HORMONE STING

WYCKOFF, N.J. — (EmptyV.com) In an effort not to become Hanson or New Kids on the Block, Kevin, Nick, and Joe Jonas have been taking massive amounts of HAH in an effort to retain their tween demographic, allege Wyckoff police after a 4 a.m. raid on the Jonas family McMansion. "Our management told us we were taking flaxseed oil," Kevin said. "They claimed it was pixie dust," added Joe.

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ALL-GIRL INDIE ROCK GROUP TAKE HAIR BAND EFFORT TO NEW LEVEL: WITH BEARDS

PORTLAND, Ore. (Ditchfork) — As one of the most pervasive trends in indie rock, beards have stood the test of time and triple-blade, pivoting shavers. One all-girl combo, however, is proving that they can play that game too: this week the Portland-based Her Suit obtained beard transplants at the O’Hare Baldness Clinic outside Chicago. The number of friends on the band’s MySpace page has risen tenfold, particularly among the follically challenged.

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MP3S FOUND TO CAUSE CANCER, NEW VINYL FORMAT CONSIDERED ‘ANTI-CARCINOGEN’

SAGINAW, Mich. (AFPEE) — Scientists have determined a link between heavy use of iPods and other MP3 players and increased risk of cochlear cancer. The same team of scientists also determined a simple preventive measure: a protective vinyl coating applied to the actual MP3 players. "Vinyl is not only better," said one researcher. "It makes everything better."