Porn

alt.sex.column: The fandango

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Dear Andrea:

I am a 38-year-old man who doesn’t have regular sexual partners (basically my whole life) and as a result am a chronic masturbator. Unfortunately, it seems lately when I am in a sexual situation I turn into a minute-man and come within seconds after sexual contact. Never mind intercourse, I’m talking about getting a blow job and shooting my load before my partner even has a chance to gag on my shaft.

What can one do to increase stamina after training one’s self to ejaculate so quickly (meaning I stopped doing 30-minute jack-off sessions in favor of watching a five- or 10 minute porn scene)?

Love,

Minute Man

Dear Man:

I am trying to answer your question, I really am. First, though, I have to stop hating you. This may prove difficult (OK, “hate” may be a bit heavy). Do you think it may have something to do with your phrase “shooting my load before my partner even has a chance to gag on my shaft?” I do! Even the phrases “squeezing one out” and “shooting my load” are vaguely nauseating, but “gag on my shaft” can trigger my gag reflex from here, at what I hope is a considerable distance.

I feel better now. You, I imagine, feel worse, but that cannot be helped. Now, what’s going on with you, and what can we do about it? You probably put your own finger on it when you referred to “training yourself.” It is indeed common, for men (boys, usually) to train themselves to achieve orgasms efficiently, as opposed to pleasurably, and certainly as opposed to pleasurably for any other person who might happen to find her (or him-) self involved. This usually proves regrettable — even solo artists might find themselves wishing for a little more endurance eventually — but is handy if you’re still living at home or had better finish before the roommate gets back.

Are the effects of such a training regimen reversible? Sure. It’s not easy, but you could get a book (the gold standard is still Bernie Zilbergeld’s The New Male Sexuality) or some DVDs, or pull some “how to last longer” videos off the Web.

These are multistep processes, often meant for couples but adaptable to one-on-one practices. “Couples” in this context means people who know each other, so you probably won’t be able to do it with whatever women those are who are consenting to gag on your shaft now and then.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with you. I think that, yes, you have trained yourself, and yes, the absence of a long-term partner doesn’t help. I do need to ask if you’re doing anything with or to your partners besides receiving their attentions. Attending to a lady’s needs is one of the best strategies for delaying your own gratification I can think of. Everybody wins. If, however, you are paying these gaggers, I feel moved to point out that to them, at least, premature ejaculation (especially during blow jobs, which are hard work) is no sin.

Love,

Andrea

 

Got a question? Email Andrea at andrea@mail.altsexcolumn.com

Ho-ho-horror

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arts@sfbg.com

FILM There is probably nowhere in the Christian-majority world where it’s as OK to wax hum-buggy about Christmas and all it entails as San Francisco. Allergies to carols (admit it, they’re horrible), frantically enabled shopaholicism, and forced contact with those people you moved here to get away from are all tolerated, even encouraged here.

In the rakishly Grinch-like spirit such sentiments allow, Yerba Buena Center for the Arts is observing “the season” with “Go to Hell for the Holidays: Horror in December.” This series might just as easily have been titled “Grievous Bodily Harm” since it serves up a six-program lineup of film and video features whose common thread is excess of a highly splattery kind. Included are a few variably antiqued golden oldies, as well as newer titles unlikely to get local commercial runs anytime soon (if ever). Some are fun, some deliberately unpleasant, and a couple manage to be both. All provide a sort of palliative effect for those seeking refuge from the suffocation of wholesome holiday cheer.

Because Jesus probably would, let’s approach “Hell”‘s contents tactfully, in ascending order of assault on any delicate sensibilities. The sole double bill on offer is also hands-down winner in terms of camp value, providing unintentional laughs in bulk for every intended scare. In fact, these two underseen gems of bright and shining awfulness comprise one of the more genius programming matches of 2010.

First up is the barely describable, let alone explicable, 1985’s Night Train to Terror, which alongside They Saved Hitler’s Brain (1968), Al Adamson’s ouevre, and a handful of other oddities personifies that most secret, least natural of genres: the Frankensteinian film. By which we don’t mean anything directly related to Mary Shelley, but rather movies crudely, grotesquely composed of parts harvested from other movies abandoned as dead.

Few are as triumphantly, energetically, and entertainingly arbitrary as Night Train, which stitches together bits of three features variably orphaned by legal trouble, runaway funding, aborted shooting, or all the above. Linking them — or desperately trying to — are scenes in which “Mr. Satan” and a white-bearded God gamble in a private car for the souls of their fellow train passengers. The latter are an ensemble of ultra-perky “New Wave” youth in Flashdance (1983) garb singing and kinda dancing in a neverending MTV video for synthpop non-hit “Dance With Me.”

Familiar B-flick faces like John Phillip Law and Cameron Mitchell surface sporadically in the wildly condensed “case histories” our biblical antagonists debate, drawn from individual films otherwise known as Cataclysm, Carnival of Fools, and Scream Your Head Off. That this bastard 1985 anthology was assembled, let alone actually shown in theaters, restores your faith in predictable mankind’s ability to occasionally touch the truly, inspirationally senseless.

This feeling one could apply to virtually anything by the late Doris Wishman, whose decades of bottom-rung exploitation work left miraculously intact an approach to such basics as continuity, camera coverage, and synch sound so primitive it achieves a sort of abstract impressionism. Her 1983 A Night to Dismember was stab at the slasher genre after almost a quarter century selling softcore sex. She brought to it exactly the same WTF aesthetic and narrative perversity she had to Nude on the Moon (1961) and Bad Girls Go to Hell (1965). If you’re a Wishman newbie, Dismember is a great place to start since its saga of the compulsively homicidal suburban Kent family is awesomely clumsy without being too dull or claustrophobic.

The mayhem she contrives (no doubt most “gore” was thriftily broiled for stew after each day’s shoot) looks even more laughable alongside the too convincing graphic ugh-liness of Thai cinematographer Tiwa Moeithaisong’s directorial debut Meat Grinder (2009). Its protagonist is a Bangkok noodle shop proprietor whose extremely abused history triggers a Texas Chainsaw style attitude toward fresh victuals, and whose threadbare grip on reality provides our brain-scrambling POV. Starting out like just another exercise in “Asian Extreme” excess, this grows both more outre and controlled as it goes along, balancing jet-black comedy with a certain grotesque pathos.

Charting a reverse trajectory is Red White & Blue, the first U.S. feature by Brit writer-director Simon Rumley, whose 2006 The Living and the Dead is one of the most original films (horror or otherwise) in recent memory. For 80 minutes, it’s a chillingly fine portrait of some well-marginalized characters in Austin, Texas, culminating in possibly the most alarming home invasion since Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986). But the rest degenerates into rote revenge-fantasy torture porn, further weakened by deliberate story mystifications more enervating than enigmatic.

There are excuses for horror fans who’ve missed Living and Dead — it was barely released in the U.S. — but none for those as yet unbathed in the blood of Wolf Creek. Allegedly based on actual events (a fib), Greg Mclean’s 2005 first feature takes exactly half its length to let nothing happen. Nothing, that is, save our getting to know three young people just ordinary and interesting enough to grow concerned about as they drive across Australia at summer holiday’s end, halted in the middle of nowhere by what at first seems routine bad luck. Several long dread-accruing minutes later, it turns out what’s happening to them is something far, far worse, unrelated to either luck or anything routine. Brilliantly atmospheric and visceral, Creek justifies YBCA’s hyperbolic claim as “possibly the best horror film of the decade.”

Also on “Hell”‘s menu are two films I could say more about, but won’t. Regarding Mladen Djordjevic’s Life and Death of a Porno Gang (2009), that’s because this all-outrages-inclusive tragicomedic mock-doc road flick was only available for preview in its original Serbian language. Still, it’s recommendable. Whereas Marc D. Levitz’s U.S. documentary Feast of the Assumption: BTK and The Otero Family Murders (2008), about a serial killer’s capture and impact on victims’ families 30 years later, would merit further discussion if it didn’t wobble between tabloid TV and home movie — all the while raising serious questions it doesn’t address, or perhaps even notice.

“GO TO HELL FOR THE HOLIDAYS”

Dec. 2–18, $6–$8

Yerba Buena Center for the Arts

701 Mission, SF

(415) 978-2787

www.ybca.org

 

Mädchen gone wild

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Every nation had its distinct cinematic response to the sexual revolution of the 1960s and ’70s. Germany’s was characteristic in offering the pretense of order, “scientific” educational value, and encouraging a healthy collective morality — even if all this was usually mere gloss over the usual, more marketable qualities of copious T&A.

Encouraged by Scandinavian films already tearing down censorship barriers worldwide, Deutschland screens (the free-Western ones only, needless to say) began addressing the matter directly in 1968. Then, Oswalt Kolle, a psychiatrist’s son and tabloid journalist turned celebrity sex educator, commenced making features like Sexual Partnership (1968), The Sensual Male (1970), and Your Child, That Unknown Creature (1970). These fairly sober mixtures of documentary and dramatized “case histories” were as widely translated as his writings. (Nonetheless, Kolle and his family relocated to Amsterdam, citing constant harassment by conservative German politicians and media as the cause.)

Such success inevitably attracted imitation. Dr. Gunther Hunold’s Schulmädchen-Report had made best-seller waves with its collection of interviews with 14- to 20-year-old women about their sexual experiences and opinions. Enter Wolf C. Hartwig of Rapid Film, producer-distributor of such savory titles as Satan Tempts With Love (1960) and Your Body Belongs to Me (1959). He bought the book’s film rights, retaining Hunold as co-scenarist and consultant for 1970’s Schoolgirl Report: What Parents Don’t Think Is Possible, which proved so enormously popular that an entire national subgenre was born.

The resulting series of Schoolgirl Report features stretched through the entire Me Decade. All 13 are being issued on DVD by the Impulse Pictures label of South San Francisco’s CAV Distributing Corporation, a project that reaches its precise midpoint next month with 1974’s Schoolgirl Report Volume 7: What the Heart Must Thereby …. Watching too many of these interchangeable vintage sexploitation “documentaries” in close succession can be hazardous to your mental health, but in moderation — as with most things – — they prove instructive.

Volume 1 set the mold, sometimes in stone: factors like the groovy Farfisa-acid guitar-flute rock instrumental theme by Gert Wilden and His Orchestra (whose original soundtracks would continue to run a delightfully dated gamut from go-go discotheque to cocktail jazz to Mantovani-like schmuzak), cheap production values, Ernst Hofbauer’s on-the-nose direction, the wooden acting (despite allegedly “starring many anonymous youths and parents”), and an entire opening credits sequence would scarcely budge in film after film. More flexible within a limited range were the bodies bared by 20-something actors playing teens (seldom convincingly) and the framing devices for each installation of variably comic, dramatic, and tragic vignettes.

The first movie started with a flower-decal-covered VW full of hippie chicks and dudes driving by as a female voice says “That’s us: today’s youth. We want a new morality without hypocrisy.” Then an actor playing a reporter announces this “effective and spontaneous documentary shows our youth as they really are. [It] will open many parents’ eyes.”

More likely the Schoolgirl films opened a lot of men’s pants. For all the earnest jabber about “sexual prejudice and why German families hang on to it,” Hartwig, Hofbauer, scenarist Gunther Heller (Hunold split after the series’ launch) and company weren’t interested in liberating minds — let alone promoting feminism — so much as wrapping age-old male fantasies in a cloak of socioanthropological inquiry.

Women are occasionally victimized in the Schoolgirl universe: a lone black girl is set up for gang rape by racist classmates, a country lass is forced into prostitution by loutish dad, etc. But such instances usually end up with the protagonist rescued by a convenient Prince Charming, often as our narrator urges us to question whether they brought the abuse on themselves.

The overwhelming majority of tales present a brave new world of brazenly aggressive females demanding satisfaction whenever, wherever, with whomever. Particularly with older men, including priests, teachers, bus drivers, family friends, guest workers (Rinaldo Talamonti often appears as a comedy-relief Italian stereotype addressed in terms like “Hey, spaghetti! Show us your macaroni!”), even sexy older brothers.

Their behavior sometimes edges from fantasy fodder into the fanatical, as when a married fencing instructor tells his obsessed student, “You must be reasonable!” and she replies “I’ll be reasonable when I’m 75!” Or when another underage lassie brags that beyond regular partner sex, “I also do myself four or five times a day.” Most disturbing is a frequent refrain of blackmail, almost invariably used by nymphets on a reluctant authority figures to maintain a sexual relationship (and/or good grades). In the ickiest instance, Volume 5‘s 15-year-old Margit seduces Grandpa, saying if he refuses she’ll say he raped her; three months of action later he confesses to parents and police rather than endure more shame.

Ostensibly celebrating women’s newfound sexual freedom, the Schoolgirl Reports often seem to regard that as a menace to society as well. (At one curious point we’re informed “They’re all reading Valerie Solanas’ SCUM Manifesto, which turns men into slaves and a necessary evil for sex.”) Needless to say, the series’ major off-camera collaborators were an entirely penis-bearing roll call.

These films made tens of millions, not just in Western Europe but in overseas locations where their copious full-frontal nudity (nearly all female, of course) required cutting or fogging to meet local standards. Entries appeared around the globe under titles like Campus Pussycats, Smartie Pants, Further Confessions of a Sixth Form Girl, and Super Sexy Show. The 1980 final chapter didn’t hit American screens until three years later as Making Out — quite the reduction from an original German title translating as Don’t Forget the Love in Sex. Meanwhile Germany had been flooded with copycat “reports” (housewife, schoolboy, nurse, etc.), and in 1975 saw the legalization of hardcore porn. So a once ubiquitous, now quaint and bizarre example of mainstream softcore slowly petered (ahem) out.

The Impulse-CAV discs are notably stingy with extras — there aren’t any, not even trailers or a horrible-English-dubbing option — but in a way that suits their blunt appeal. After all, one shouldn’t expect many frills from movies wherein a dessert-spooning virgin (sex aside, ice cream appears this generation’s predominant onscreen indulgence) muses that a passing motorist “could help me get rid of that bothersome hymen,” or the “pathological dream world” of a girl troubled by incestuous thoughts features psychedelic imagery of Daddy menacing her nubile naked self with a shish kabob.

Wob-gobblers

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superego@sfbg.com

SUPER EGO Nightlife things I’m so gloriously thankful for I could bust a lower giblet and call it vogueing: No one’s been shot at the kind of club I like to attend! I have yet to hear that extremely annoying NYC-centric “Barbra Streisand” song here! I live in a city where there is not one, but two fat-burning rollerskating parties on Thanksgiving eve — the wonderfully 1970s-bumpy Roller Disco Thanksgiving Edit (Wed/24, 9 p.m., $5 entry, $5 skate rental. Mighty, 119 Utah, SF. www.mighty119.com) and the all-star DJ, ’80s-wheelin’ New 7th Heaven Sadie Hawkins Roller Prom (Wed/24, 9 p.m.-late, $7 entry, $5 skate rental. Mezzanine, 444 Jessie, SF. www.mezzaninsf.com)! None of my friends have lost a smart phone in the past three days!

Actually, this has been an amazing, thankful-worthy year for SF nightlife. Next month I’ll be dropping my infamous annual look back — in the meantime, here are a few choice club joints to set your turducken aflame. Wait, you want me to shove that can of Bud up what?

 

JESSE ROSE AND CLAUDE VONSTROKE

‘Twas the night before Thanksgiving, and all the kids got down to a Dirty Bird. SF’s fantastically light-hearted techno Dirty Bird label, that is, with founder Vonstroke and early Dirty Birder Jesse Rose on the tables together, like freaks of a feather.

Wed/24, 9 p.m.–4 a.m., $20. Public Works, 161 Erie, SF. www.publicsf.com

 

GOBBLE GOBBLE HEY

There’s punk rock in my gravy, and it’s free. The splendidly named DJ Lumpen the Laptop-Hero of Monday’s weekly retro Wave Not Wave party is throwing down punk jams on Thanksgiving night. Ditch your parents and come out, get soused, tear shit up.

Thu/25, 10 p.m., free. Beauty Bar, 2299 Mission, SF. www.thebeautybar.com

 

BRENMAR

Hot young Brooklynite remix master gives the funky R&B treatment to tracks almost before they hit the ‘Net (like his twist on my cut of the month, Teengirl Fantasy’s “Dancing in Slow Motion.” He’ll be showing off in SF for the first time, at the always tail-flailing Icee Hot party, with residents Ghosts on Tape, Disco Shawn and Rollie Fingers.

Sat/27, 10 p.m., $5. 222 Hyde, SF. www.222hyde.com

 

CASUAL ENCOUNTERS

At last, your chance to see drag queens wrestling in Jell-O. Now word yet if there’ll be whip cream, but there will be hostess Ambrosia Salad, as well as the ever-colloidal VivvyAnne ForeverMore, and her royal wobless Monistat. Plus DJs Alexis Blair Penney, Carnita and Brown Amy from Hard French, and many more.

Sat/27, 8 p.m., $5–$10. UndergroundSF, 424 Haight, SF. (415) 864-7386

 

DNA LOUNGE 25-YEAR ANNIVERSARY

Sweet marshmallow yams, the DNA is almost older than I am! This gala is a special installment of huge mashup club Bootie (www.bootiesf.com), but with aerialist Your Little Chernobyl, a special DJ set at 8 p.m. by DNA Lounge cofounder Brian Raffi, and an open bar from 8 p.m.–9 p.m. with paid admission.

Sat/27, 9 p.m.–late, $6 before 10 p.m., $12 after. DNA Lounge, 375 11th St., SF. www.dnalounge.com

 

GO BANG! TWO-YEAR ANNIVERSARY

Shake your trypto-fanny to a little glamorous disco and funk, why don’t you? One of my favorite little parties is turning two, with DJs Ken Vulsion, Steve Fabus, Stanley Frank, Sergio and more, plus a live performance by Tres Lingerie. Check out this amazing mix for some idea: http://soundcloud.com/go-bang/go-bang-year-2-mix

Sat/27, 9 p.m.–late, $5. Deco Lounge, 510 Larkin, SF. www.decosf.com

 

MR. BIG TOP PAGEANT

This is actually a big gay wet underwear contest, which is fine. (Fear the talent portion!) The winner will be crowned the new face of Manhunt.net — because that’s just what Manhunt needs, more faces. DJs Pee Play, Manicure Versace, and Robert Jeffrey add some spicy aural twists to the proceedings, while various gay porn stars yuck it up at this goofy monthly homo-disco circus.

Sat/27, 9 p.m.–3 a.m., $10. Club Eight, 1151 Folsom, SF. www.joshuajpresents.com

Hot sexy events November 17-23

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You think that time you had a bad dream and awoke abruptly to the sounds of creaking in the bedroom next door was bad? What if that scene was being filmed, and instead of mom and marital romanticism at issue, Dad was boning Bambi Woods to shouts of “More ass! I need to see more ass!”? Such was the life (well, maybe the filming itself wasn’t going down in his family abode) of Bobby Gordon. Dad in this case was Howie Gordon, Playgirl’s 1979 Man of the Year and star of over 100 pornographic titles. Well hell, you’d make a movie about it too. See’s Bobby’s at Center for Sex and Culture Sat/20.

 

The ‘O’ of Eros: Evolving Your Orgasms

Goddess bless sexual enrichment coach Amy Cooper, for she has discovered the wisdom of the ages: how to make your climaxes more climactic. Erotic pleasure your game? Then surely you will dive right into Cooper’s one-time course on how to make your o’s easier, more meaningful, more intense, and (surely she must mean “or”!) longer lasting.

Wed/17 6-8 p.m., $20-25

Good Vibrations

1620 Polk, SF

(415) 345-0500

www.goodvibes.com


Laura Antoniou book release and BDSM party 

Leatherwoman extraordinaire and author of the successful series Marketplace, Laura Antoniou is in town to run a series of classes and events at Femina Potens for kinky women. Tonight features a recreated BDSM scene from one of her books – black tie and flogger please, ladies.

Fri/19 8 p.m., members only

Femina Potens 

2199 Market, SF

(415) 864-1558

www.feminapotens.org


Carnival Midway Sextravaganza

Is that ringmaster get-up eating a hole in your closet? Break out the bullwhips and boobies – Mission Control’s acting up again with one of their be-costumed swinger parties. This week you can screw kind strangers while the folks in charge raffle Annie Sprinkle boob prints, a ropes class with Midori, gift certificates for cosetry Dark Garden, and much more.

Fri/19 9 p.m.-2 a.m., $25-30 members only

Mission Control 

www.missioncontrolsf.org


Debbie Does My Dad

You’d think that a tale of a dad going porn star would fall into one of two categories: slapstick comedy or teary-eyed, Vaselined-lens rememberance. Shows what we know. Bobby Gordon’s movie about growing up “in the shadow of dad’s erection” (ha!) treads a middle ground to talk about the effect his dad’s romps had on his own experience of masculinity that is neither unsexy nor unhappy.

Sat/20 8 p.m., $15

Center for Sex and Culture

1519 Mission, SF

 

(415) 552-7399

www.sexandculture.org

 

Full Moon Fetish Party

So drop that jock down around your ankles – it’s time to give full moon. The crazies will be out in about for this once a month get-down at the locker room scene of your dreams. Open 24 hours a day, baby.

Sun/21, $5 for one time membership

Steamworks

2107 Fourth St., Berk.

(510) 845-8992

www.steamworksonline.com


Beginning Animal Roleplay

Do you long to have your hooves cleaned, coat stroked, a nice new rhinestone collar perhaps? (I hear catnip has it’s upside…) Anna is here to attune you to the ins and outs of animal role play. She herself is a seasoned pony and is ready and willing to school you on the art of finding your inner critter, the equipment you’ll need, care and training, etc. Get furry with it. 

Tue/23 8-10:30 p.m., $20

SF Citadel

1277 Mission, SF

(415) 626-2746

www.sfcitadel.org

 

East Bay studs

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Kieran McGrath, a carefree 32-year-old Irishman living in New York City, would like to be a writer someday. In the meantime, he has a temporary job subbing for a friend as a carriage driver in Central Park. Its fortuitous, because the material for his first book will conveniently climb into the back of his palomino-drawn carriage in the form of an upscale pimp named Marsha and the series of rich and lonely Manhattan women she represents.

McGrath’s perspective on this unexpected line of work has a good deal of compassion and humor-laced insight to it, but playwright-performer David Cale’s one-man show, Palomino, takes us more than once around the park. With a facility for characterization, dialogue, and storytelling that draws one in slowly and surely, Cale unfolds a globetrotting tale of desire and connection from a variety of distinct perspectives, with McGrath’s alone being male heterosexual. By the end, the play achieves a subtle but affecting blurring of lines, as themes of love, solitude, and aging inform a disparate set of vivid personalities.

It’s more than a decade since British-born actor and playwright Cale mounted a show locally (the Obie Award–winning Lillian in 1999). Especially given the recent resurgence in solo theater, Cale’s return to the Bay Area in Aurora Theatre’s simple, elegant production feels timely. His work stands out from much of the solo theater landscape in being decidedly not about himself, but rather the story and characters he has in his head. Despite the actor’s physical dissimilarity to most of the people he plays, he delivers well-rounded and compelling characters. His women are especially attractive — not least the rich but fragile and searching widow, Vallie, one of McGrath’s clients, with whom he has a short but full-blown love affair.

A low-key but masterful performer, Cale displays a lot of love and understanding for his flawed characters, embodying them with supple charm on scenic designer Kate Boyd’s graceful stained-wood set, which swoops up and away toward a screen at the back of the stage. There, Rick Takes’ projected images offer choice visual compliment to the story’s continent-hopping narrative. Heartfelt and at moments a little gooey, the play nevertheless avoids tawdry romantic mush for a gentle, gliding look at the fears and gathering pain beneath lives largely spent skimming the surfaces of things, only every once in a while daring something deeper.

 

THE PLAY ABOUT THE NAKED GUY

“You can’t do this! It will be the death of Integrity!” And not a moment too soon.

Not that we’re unsympathetic to this outburst by Dan (an endearingly silly Brian McManus), the stuffy but passionate artistic director of a puny, unpopular Off-Off-Broadway company, the previously-referenced Integrity Players. But given the sampling of Integrity in action — a painfully earnest and self-righteous set of classical gestures that opens, with much winking hilarity, this zinging new comedy by playwright David Bell — it’s hard not to be thankful for the jolt Dan gets to his artistic sensibilities, not to mention his fragile theater-family composed of stalwart star (a sharp Jai Sahai), visibly pregnant wife and lead actress (a temptingly innocent Eliza Leoni), and disdainful producer and mother-in-law (a riotously larger-than-life Monica Cappuccini).

The jolt, incidentally, comes courtesy of his new producing partners, the box office geniuses behind such gay flesh outings as Naked Boys Running Around Naked and I Am My Own Whore. With financial problems of their own, the crafty Eddie (John Ferreira) and his pair of preening club-boy sycophants, T. Scott (Adrian Anchondo) and Edonis (Timitio Artusio), have moved into Integrity’s little turf to, as Dan puts it, “Fuck art right up the ass.” In tow is their box-office bait, porn star Kit Swagger (a swaggering Steven Satyricon), titular titillator for Eddie’s latest extravaganza, an (even more) homoerotic staging of Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ.

Impact Theatre, which premieres The Play About the Naked Guy in its aptly seedy basement theater beneath a Berkeley pizza parlor, has a proven way with this kind of material. Directed with anarchic élan and requisite comical definition by Evren Odcikin, Naked Guy turns ably on stripper poles as well as a nicely off-the-shelf but just-true-enough clash between artistic truth and lowest-denominator mass entertainment. The real draw is in the camp, however, played to the hilt, and compellingly enough that it’s easy to echo Dan’s wife and mother-in-law in their rapt engagement with the trashy side: “This is fun! I wanna be gay too!”

“We all do, dear.”

PALOMINO

Wed.–Sat., 8 p.m.; Sun., 2 and 7 p.m.;

Tues., 7 p.m.; through Dec. 5; $10–$55

Aurora Theatre

2081 Addison, Berk.

(510) 843-4822

www.auroratheatre.org

THE PLAY ABOUT THE NAKED GUY

Thurs.–Sat., 8pm (no show Nov. 25); through Dec. 11; $10–$20

La Val’s Subterranean

1304 Euclid, Berk.

(800) 838-3006

www.brownpapertickets.com

Hungary for more

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arts@sfbg.com

FILM In recent years, on the film festival circuit at least, it seems like everything Romania puts out is gold — not that it puts out more than a handful of features per year. This vogue has overshadowed trends elsewhere in the region, notably neighbor Hungary, whose more richly historied, prolific film industry has produced some very interesting work of late. (On a less personalized level, its relatively pristine period architecture and low overhead draw a lot of foreign film shoots — Budapest subbing for Victorian
London, etc. — while different factors make it one of the world’s leading production hubs for porn.)

A few features have broken out commercially in the last decade, like Kontroll (2003), Hukkle (2002), and Fateless (2005) — disparate films united in creating spectral, macabre worlds on the border of horror, whether set in a subway system, quaint village, or Auschwitz. But several emerging directors, far more influenced by such native auteurs as Miklós Jancsó and Béla Tarr than the borderless film education DVD and cable can afford, have so far proved too idiosyncratic to travel much beyond the festival circuit.

A rare chance to see some of that work outside those confines can be had this week at the Roxie, which is hosting a short-run double bill under the umbrella "Magyar Tales of Kornél Mundruczó." Protégé of epic-enigma engineer Tarr — whose exasperatingly slow creative process was one alleged factor behind the suicide of the producer fictionalized in this year’s French drama The Father of My Children — sometime actor Mundruczó has written and directed several shorts and four features to date.

His 2002 debut Pleasant Dreams was a miserabilist frieze of dead-end rural youth. His newest, Tender Son: The Frankenstein Project, mixes similar elements with some taken directly from Mary Shelley. Its "monster" is a teenager exacting revenge for a life defined by abandonment, the director playing himself as … a director, one intrigued by our sociopathic antihero even after he commits several meaningless murders. Son was loathed by many
at Cannes and Toronto, but that’s not really discouraging — Mundruczó’s films are of stubbornly minority appeal, either meditative or watching-paint dry in pace, pretentious or perfect in their narrative simplicity.

The Roxie is playing the two features between. Delta (2008) was originally planned as a revenge saga. But when lead actor Lajos Bertók abruptly died mid-production, Mundruczó replaced him with composer Félix Lajkó and overhauled the script to suit his more reticent personality. Lank-haired, scruffily bearded Mihail (Lajkó) returns to his native Danube village after 25 years’ absence. No one is happy to see him save sister Fauna (Orsolya Tóth) — and she isn’t the effusive type, either.

Diffidently rising above the pervasive culture of loutishness, this somber duo attracts resentment (toward the roll of cash Mihail has to bankroll constructing a well-isolated house upriver), gossip (over their imagined, then real, incestuousness), and eventual violent hostility. Delta is a parable of intolerance as poetically primitive as early Herzog (there’s even some Popol Vuh on the soundtrack); its utter affectlessness will strike you as hypnotic or maddening.

On another note entirely — well, almost — the director’s prior Johanna (2005) is all interior tracking shots to Delta‘s stock-still rural pictures, stillness, and sonic sparseness replaced by the sound of a whole lotta music. At the start, survivors from a large-scale accident are hauled into a subterranean hospital, moaning and bleeding. Then suddenly a tenor doctor trills "The rehearsal is over! Let the dead and injured get up and walk," which they do. All but Johanna (Tóth again), a junkie who’s snuck in to steal pharmaceuticals. Caught, she falls down stairs, lapsing into a coma. On awakening, a smitten medic (Zsolt Trill) trains her as nurse. Her healing prowess proves unconventional, however, even miraculous — both sacred and profane, leading to a martyrdom that (like Joan of Arc’s) cements her sainthood.

A 86-minute opera created for the screen, Johanna is musically rich — who is composer Zsófia Tallér and why isn’t she getting major commissions abroad? — but also wholly cinematic. While seeming an anomaly, its cryptic characterization and suspicious view of society are of a piece with Mundruczó’s other work to date.

MAGYAR TALES OF KORNÉL MUNDRUCZÓ

Nov. 22–24, $5–$9.75

Roxie

3117 16th St., SF

(415) 863-1087

www.roxie.com

alt.sex.column: Wham bam

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Dear Andrea,

I’m almost 40 and a newlywed. I was a virgin! Unfortunately, sex has not been good for me. His heart races, he sweats. Me? Nothing. No pleasure, no excitement, nothing! I WANT SOME TOO!!! I tried talking to him and we have tried several positions, unfortunately, his favorite missionary position usually hurts. I tend to just give in and pretend I’m enjoying it. I’m hoping you can help or at least lead me to someone who can!

Love,

Desperate Not-A-Housewife

Dear Wife:

I see several different issues here, at least, starting with: Why were you still a virgin at 40? This is rare enough to merit mention, especially under the circumstances.

2) Does he have a lot of experience to your none, or were you both late bloomers?

3) Pain with missionary position? No good, and not normal.

4) Faking it. A classic example of “seems like a good idea at the time.” Isn’t.

OK, so. I’m going to assume that there was something unappealing about either sex, intimacy, or both, for you to leave it so long. There is nothing inherently wrong with not having sex, but it’s a better fit for those who simply aren’t interested. You manifestly are interested, so that is something to look at.

I’d really like to know if he is having fun while you’re not. It’s kind of hilariously awful to think of you both having ungratifying sex night after night and nobody ever mentioning it, but I’m thinking that’s not what’s going on. He is having OK sex while you are not. Also awful, less funny, and a little harder to broach, what with your having to burst his bubble, but burst it you must. Bring it up as a mutual thing, let’s make it better all around, and so on. But you are going to have to admit that you are not, shall we say, fully engaged. Not talking about it about it is guaranteed to eventually break everything not yet broken. I wouldn’t rule out some counseling with a sex-positive counselor, either.

Finally, you are going to have to figure out what you do want if this is ever to improve. If you masturbate, you fantasize. How can you get real life better aligned with fantasy life? If you’re thinking it would be nice if he started slower, paid more attention to your clitoris, and made sure you were responding before he kept doing something, we’ve got something to work with.

As far as how-tos go, I doubt you need a tutorial in hip-moving. But if you do, there is a world of instructional material out there. It is called porn. If that sounds icky, you can try the amateur stuff or any of the seemingly dozens of series with names like “Better Sex” or “Loving Couples.” Bonus: watching any of these things together is going to at least start you on the way to the sweating and elevated heart-rate you so justly deserve to experience.

I think your libido is fine. You’re not getting excited because who gets excited anticipating something dull and a little painful? Get that looked at.

Love,

Andrea

Got a question? Email Andrea at <!– /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:”MS Mincho”; panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4; mso-font-alt:”MS 明朝”; mso-font-charset:128; mso-generic-font-family:modern; mso-font-pitch:fixed; mso-font-signature:-1610612033 1757936891 16 0 131231 0;} @font-face {font-family:”\@MS Mincho”; panose-1:2 2 6 9 4 2 5 8 3 4; mso-font-charset:128; mso-generic-font-family:modern; mso-font-pitch:fixed; mso-font-signature:-1610612033 1757936891 16 0 131231 0;} /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:””; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:”Times New Roman”; mso-fareast-font-family:”Times New Roman”;} p.MsoPlainText, li.MsoPlainText, div.MsoPlainText {margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:”Courier New”; mso-fareast-font-family:”Times New Roman”;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} –> andrea@mail.altsexcolumn.com

Oi yay!

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MOVIES WITH MOHAWKS Punk and the movies met when the former was very young. When punk eventually grew up, the movies still insisted on viewing it as a child. Their union, nowadays perverted by mutual materialistic bloat, has been rather like an arranged marriage: long-lasting, with moments of real understanding, but fundamentally fraudulent.

Zack Carlson and Bryan Connolly’s hefty new tome Destroy All Movies!!! The Complete Guide to Punks on Film (Fantagraphics, $35) chronicles this tragicomedic marriage in A-Z encyclopedic form encompassing more than 1,100 movies, 450 pages, and lots of vintage promotional imagery.

Eleven hundred? Really? Well, sorta. For every documentary, concert, film, or serious drama (1998’s American History X, 1986’s Sid and Nancy, etc.) reflecting some genuine subchapter of punk history, there are movies in which ersatz “punks” are cartoonish villains either intentionally funny (1987’s Surf Nazis Must Die) or not (retiree-terrorizers getting their sneers removed in 1985 by Death Wish 3‘s ever-vigilantic Chuck Bronson).

Let us not forget the many sci-fi futures in which everyone is kinda punk (most famously 1981’s The Road Warrior, 1982’s Blade Runner, and 1981’s Escape From New York). Punks seemed a natural fit — at least filmmakers thought so — for horror flicks, whether being sexy-scary (1987’s The Lost Boys) or zombiefied (1985’s Return of the Living Dead).

Destroy All Movies!!! fittingly spotlights such actual punk scene-bred, variably underground talents and movies as Lizzie Borden, 1984’s Repo Man, Jon Moritsugu, 1984’s Desperate Teenage Lovedolls, Derek Jarman, 1982’s Liquid Sky, and Penelope Spheeris. Many of these get the benefit of elongated discussion and related interviews.

But the book also has room for characters confined to just a scene or background — anyone remember punks in 1986’s Hannah and Her Sisters or Crocodile Dundee? The editors do. They’ll likewise remind you when punks infiltrated After School Specials (1987’s The Day My Kid Went Punk), porn (1985’s New Wave Hookers), and the Linda Blair ouevre (too many to mention).

The Roxie hosts book-signing and screening festivities in honor of Destroy All Movies!!!‘s upcoming release. Festivities includes free mixtape and onstage punk haircut giveaways, punk trailers, and 35mm prints of two prime 1980s artifacts. Exhibit One is Times Square (1980), producer Robert Stigwood’s attempt to do for punk-new wave what 1997’s Saturday Night Fever had for disco. His editorial interference muffled the Sapphic tilt of the underage runaway heroines’ BFF relationship, but a guilty pleasure and great double-LP soundtrack (featuring XTC, Patti Smith, the Cure, and more) survived.

Pleasures guiltier still lie in 1984’s Surf II, whose title is the first anarchic joke (there was no Surf I). Its “plot” involves a mad scientist (Eddie Deezen) turning surfer bullies into indiscriminately hungry punk zombies (that again!) via radioactive Buzz Cola. It features a young Eric Stoltz, L.A. mod revivalist band the Untouchables, and Love Boat refugees Ron “Horshack” Palillo and Ruth Buzzi. Unleashed amid umpteen 1984 teen sex comedies, Surf II was dismissed as demented and arbitrary — exactly why we like it now.

DESTROY ALL MOVIES!!!

Nov. 19, 8 p.m., $10

Roxie Theater

3117 16th St., SF

www.roxie.com

Hot sexy events October 20-26

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You thought the real Halloween parties started next weekend? Ha! Wrong on two counts.

For one, you’re in San Francisco, so you know this is gonna be a ghoul gala that leaks out into the preceding and following weeks, if not months. Two, the portal to the other world opens the 22nd, not the 31st! (silly) Luckily, you have your deranged BDSM maniacs at the SF Citadel to remind you of the fact with Chamber of Horrors. For those together enough to have assembled their monster ‘fit early, a swell party to play out this journey into another realm where “the gods of old reach out from their dark place,” according to the press release. After all, what better place to witness the chaos that will ensue than a good old-fashioned dungeon? Whips at the ready, there’s gonna be evil spirits to subdue.

Air Sex Championships

Will this be sexy? Will you learn anything from a passel of performers humping the air, licking the air, squeezing the air’s titties? This grand tradition was started by a Japanese chap bereft of solid human beings to sex up. Now people across the world pretend, solo, on-stage, to being sexing – with clothes on. But will it… turn you on? For now, let’s file under maybe, but the event warrants exploration.

Wed/20 8 p.m., $15

The Independent

628 Divisadero, SF

(415) 771-1421

www.theindependentsf.com


Anal Pleasure for Couples

Honey a little wary of rear entry? Best to leave some things to the experts. Reassure them that nothing but good will befall them at this class with Lolo Winters, sex educator, who’ll be teaching on toys, position, and pleasure. Open to all genders and orientations.

Wed/20 6-8 p.m., $20-$25

Good Vibrations

1620 Polk, SF

(415) 354-0500

www.goodvibes.com


Chamber of Horrors

Hobgoblins and naughty, naughty night horrors reign at this dungeon play party. Get the Halloween heebie-jeebies started early and get in touch with your evil side. 

Fri/22 8 p.m., $25

SF Citadel 

1277 Mission, SF

(415) 626-1746

www.sfcitadel.org


Steamworks Full Moon Party

Steamworks launches a new play party! How’s it going to be different from their standard showers ‘n’ sex-a-thon? DJs? A $5 off discount when you tell them about the ad on their website? Sexy full moon graphics on the flier? Does it really matter – you’re getting laid!

Fri/22-Sat/23 8 a.m., $17-55

Steamworks

2107 4th St., Berk.

(510) 845-8992

www.steamworksonline.com

 

Exotic Erotic Ball and Expo

Time for marabou, corsetry, and befeathered top hats! Exotic Erotic is back for its 31st year of SF-born and bred debauchery. This year the whole shebang is on the water at Craneway Pavilion and there will be porn star performers from across the globe (even a chance to make it with your favorite!), orgasmic bingo, the Family Stone on stage, and a slew of fine purveyors of lust capitalism at the accompanying EE Expo.

Expo: Fri/22 4 p.m.-midnight and Sat/23 noon-6 p.m., $20

Ball: Sat/23 8 p.m.-2 a.m., $79-169

Craneway Pavilion

1414 Harbour Way South, Richmond

www.exoticeroticball.com


Breast Workshop Fiesta

Because you know it’s breast cancer awareness month – why not make it breast awareness month? Talking of tricks with the titties, Femina Potens is holding a special night of boobies, starring busty starlets Maxine Holloway and Bella Rossi, whose proceeds go straight to Shanti’s Lifelines breast cancer program. Squeeze ’em, ladies. 

Mon/25 6 p.m., $7-$20 sliding scale

Femina Potens

2199 Market, SF

(415) 864-1558

www.feminapotens.org

 

Exotic Erotic’s 31st round

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Perhaps you’ve seen them around town. The neon pink fliers announcing that SF’s most gloriously trashy tradition, the Exotic Erotic Ball and Expo, beckons saucily to you this weekend (Fri/22 and Sat/23). Were you curious about the providence of the posters’ graphic design, this just in from founder-behatted cartoon character Perry Mann: “we’re very aware that it’s breast cancer month.”

Well that would explain all the boob examiners! 2010 marks Mann’s 31st year of organized orgy, which nowadays draws in around 10,000 gawkers and pervs a year for onstage sex shows by world famous porn performers, elaborate fetish costuming, ribald entertainment (“we’ve got… orgasmic bingo? I don’t know what that is,” Mann admits to me on the phone), and surprisingly serious musical guests. Sort of. This year is the Family Stone, minus Sly. “We reached out to Sly,” Mann tells me. “If he can get off his crack pipe, he’ll show.”

Mann, who started the Ball famously as a fundraiser for buddy Louis Abolafia’s Nudist Party run at the presidency, has endured his fair share of setbacks in holding the event. A venue change under fractious circumstances (there’s been a few of them over the years associated with the ball, as the East Bay Express recently reported, including complaints that organizers withhold promised prizes from contest winners) has left the EEB with a venue that’s a touch more intimate than last year’s Cow Palace: the Craneway Pavilion, which has about 15 percent less capacity as the Cow. 

A consummate promoter, its difficult to get Mann off his press release script on the phone. We don’t chat about his assertions that disappointing ticket sales in years past were due to corrupted ticket-selling websites. We do, however, manage to cover event logistics. The Pavilion is basically a large glass box on the water, which is… less than ideal? ideal? for a show full of dedicated exhibitionists. The VIP section takes the aquatic escapade to another level: guests willing to pony up the $169 get to shiver their timbers on the San Francisco Belle, a riverboat whose very girth and heft seemed to impress Mann. 

This year’s VIP performance takes on occult themes – vampires being the sex gods of 2010 that they are. Those interested in taking the ticket price plunge can find a preview of events on the Belle at sex blogger (and performer that night), Fleur De Lis SF’s account of dress rehearsals.

And for the pervs off the A-list, don’t worry gang, Exotic Erotic is nothing if not democratically-inclined. In fact, big money’s on the random hallways and corners around Craneway to be where the real action’s at – but if you’re going for the canned stuff, the stages will play host to shows by Noname Jane, Dutch fetish model Ancilia Tilia, Eden Berlin, The Men of Exotica, and the Surreal SF Devil Girls.

Ready yet? Not til you’ve got your outfit, you’re not. The Ball has an anything-goes philosophy when it comes to, well, most things – and the motto definitely extends to sartorial affairs. Past attendees have rocked Bumblebee Transformer ‘fits, every possible form of lingerie — even, Mann tells me, a functioning bathtub that housed three friends for a night. 

“The whole event is about love, it’s really all about love,” says Mann, who himself will be rocking his customary top hat tricked out with “XXXI” in honor of the event’s 31st year spelled out in diamonds. Given his hopes that this year will correct a string of lackluster lust profiteering, his next comment should be a given. 

“Not real diamonds,” he clarifies. 

 

Exotic Erotic Ball and Expo

Expo: Fri/22 4 p.m.-midnight and Sat/23 noon-6 p.m., $20

Ball: Sat/23 8 p.m.-2 a.m., $79-169 

Craneway Pavilion

1414 Harbour Way South, Richmond

www.exoticeroticball.com

 

Hot sexy events October 13-19

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Support your local sex workers! We are lucky to live in a city where those salacious somebodies that will take their kits off in the name of our pleasure and payment don’t have to lay down and take it when the man gets all censorious and grabby – lucky to live in a city where St. James’ Infirmary exists, that is. The Lusty Ladies agree, and on Sat/16 they’re holding their annual Playday for St. J’s – 16 hours of girl-on-girl-on-call for justice.

For there was a time where if you got picked up providing sex to paying customers, you got stuck. We’re talking hypodermic needles – part of a policy that used to go down in SF that forced sex workers to give up blood samples in jail for mandatory STD testing. As you can imagine, this was not always done in the most respectful of manners. Enter St. James’, founded by sex worker advocacy group COYOTE (Call Off Your Old Tired Ethics). The center holds a health clinic, trainings and support groups, hormone therapy programming, peer counseling, and oh so much more. Why on earth not head down to the Lusty to make sure our ladies – and gentlemen – of the night continue to be treated as such?

Original Plumbing Bathhouse Reception

Celebrate the notion that a photo-heavy magazine of transmen is one of the most hot publication debuts to hit the racks in 2010 – Original Plumbing’s fourth issue is out! And it features a hunky lineup of working stiffs, all of whom will be at the wine and cheese reception, open to all genders and levels of ab definition.

Thu/14 7 p.m., free

Eros

2051 Market, SF

(415) 255-4921

www.originalplumbing.com


Spanking and Paddling

Don’t worry, consoles the description of this Edu Kink offering: “there will be plenty of spanking time.” That’s because even though this is technically a class on spanking – its possible childhood associations, how to deal with them should they arise, on technique, and enjoying the spank on the receiving end – Edu Kink’s Paideia workshop series has a focus on lecture leading to experience. So prepare you that booty, naughty kids.

Fri/15 7:30-10:30 p.m., $15-$25 sliding scales

SF Citadel

1277 Mission, SF

(415) 626-1746

www.edukink.org


Pink Blues Dance

What better way to amp up for Mission Control’s pansexual play party than this week’s warmup: a chance to swing those hips to the down ‘n’ out blues on the dance floor. Costumes not required, but membership to the club (and a smile) is. 

Fri/15 9 p.m.-2:30 a.m., $20-$30 members only

Mission Control 

2519 Mission, SF

www.missioncontrolsf.org 


Naked Girls Reading

What’s that chill that just ran down your spine? Are you frozen in fear by a classic ghost story, channeling the pre-Halloween vibe – or are you just naked? It could easily be both at this storytelling series that pairs the city’s sexologists and stage presences with a favorite book, a mic, and little else. Watch for the SF Ghost Society’s Elissa Fricano’s tales of personal encounters with the world beyond.

Sat/16 8 p.m., $15-$20

Center for Sex and Culture

1519 Mission, SF

(415) 225-1155

www.sexandculture.org

 

Peter Acworth’s Birthday Deviance

Everyone needs a little extra attention on their birthday. And on the founder of Kink.com’s 40th, you can only imagine what form that personal touch will take. Our town’s foremost world-class fetish porn palace opens its virtual doors to members who want to join in on the fun online. Visit www.theupperfloor.com on Saturday evening and watch live as hot doms and slaves create sexy mayhem during a celebratory dinner in Peter’s honor.

Sat/16 6:30-11 p.m., free for Kink.com members, $.25 cents per minute for nonmembers

www.theupperfloor.com


Lusty Lady Playday RXXX

That’s right, get your dirty, dirty prescription for a Saturday in the hospital – or rather, nurse’s office. The Lusties will be pulling on the rubber gloves for a day of sexual healing. Girl-on-girl action all day long, with a portion of the proceeds going to everyone’s favorite hustler health care provider, St. James’ Infirmary.

Sat/16 11 a.m.-3 a.m., $5 before 10 p.m., $10 after

The Lusty Lady

1033 Kearny, SF

(415) 391-3126

www.lustyladysf.com


How To Be a Top Presenter

Have you been there, done that when it comes to the sex education classes at Good Vibes and the host of other venues around our pervy city that like to teach on the tactics of titillation? Take your love of lovin’ to the next level with this little one-off. Dr. Charlie Glickman is sharing the secrets of his sexpert trade: how to plan and orchestrate sex ed for adults.

Tues/19 6-8 p.m., $20-$25

Good Vibrations

1620 Polk, SF

(415) 345-0500

www.goodvibes.com

 

Music listings

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Music listings are compiled by Paula Connelly and Cheryl Eddy. Since club life is unpredictable, it’s a good idea to call ahead to confirm bookings and hours. Prices are listed when provided to us. Submit items for the listings at listings@sfbg.com.

WEDNESDAY 13

ROCK/BLUES/HIP-HOP

*Dead Sea, Grayceon, DJ Crackwhore Elbo Room. 9pm, $7.

Femka Project, Sleeping Desires Knockout. 9:30pm, $6. With DJs Omar, Josh, and Justin.

Floater, Trophy Fire, Apopka Darkroom Bottom of the Hill. 9pm, $10.

Macy Gray Bimbo’s 365 Club. 8pm, $25.

*Immolation, Vader, Abigail Williams, Lecherous Nocturne, Pathology DNA Lounge. 6:30pm, $22.

Jason King Band Biscuits and Blues. 8 and 10pm, $15.

Jolly Good Fellows, Astral Force, Zej El Rio. 8pm, $5.

K-OS, Shad, Astronautilus Slim’s. 9pm, $16.

Jane Lui, Goh Nakamura, Melissa Polinar Café Du Nord. 9:30pm, $10.

Script Fillmore. 8pm, $25.

Shadow Shadow Shade, AM Magic, Upstairs Downstairs Red Devil Lounge. 8pm, $8.

Shuteye Union, Carcrashlander, Silian Rail Rickshaw Stop. 8pm, $10.

Skarhead, Alcatraz, Dro City Holocaust, Plead the Fifth, Adlib and Panic Thee Parkside. 8pm, $13-15.

Th Mrcy Hot Springs, Pure Country Gold, Mystery Lights Hemlock Tavern. 9pm, $6.

Hawksley Workman, Sallie Ford and the Sound Outside, Paul M. Davis Hotel Utah. 8pm, $10.

DANCE CLUBS

Booty Call Q-Bar, 456 Castro, SF; www.bootycallwednesdays.com. 9pm. Juanita Moore hosts this dance party, featuring DJ Robot Hustle.

Hands Down! Bar on Church. 9pm, free. With DJs Claksaarb, Mykill, and guests spinning indie, electro, house, and bangers.

Jam Fresh Wednesdays Vessel, 85 Campton, SF; (415) 433-8585. 9:30pm, free. With DJs Slick D, Chris Clouse, Rich Era, Don Lynch, and more spinning top40, mashups, hip hop, and remixes.

Mary-Go-Round Lookout, 3600 16th St, SF; (415) 431-0306. 10pm, $5. A weekly drag show with hosts Cookie Dough, Pollo Del Mar, and Suppositori Spelling.

Open Mic Night 330 Ritch. 9pm, $7.

RedWine Social Dalva. 9pm-2am, free. DJ TophOne and guests spin outernational funk and get drunk.

Respect Wednesdays End Up. 10pm, $5. Rotating DJs Daddy Rolo, Young Fyah, Irie Dole, I-Vier, Sake One, Serg, and more spinning reggae, dancehall, roots, lovers rock, and mash ups.

Switch Triple Crown. 9pm, free. With DJ Cheb i Sabbah.

Synchronize Il Pirata, 2007 16th St, SF; (415) 626-2626. 10pm, free. Psychedelic dance music with DJs Helios, Gatto Matto, Psy Lotus, Intergalactoid, and guests.

THURSDAY 14

ROCK/BLUES/HIP-HOP

Acorn, Leif Vollebekk, Angel Island Café Du Nord. 9pm, $12.

Atomic Love Bombs, Blisses B, Stove, Friends of the River Hotel Utah. 8pm, $8.

Dan Black, Butterfly Bones, DJ Morale Independent. 9pm, $15.

Chikita Violenta, Leopold and His Fiction, Echo Twin Bottom of the Hill. 9pm, $12.

Crayon Fields, Magic Bullets, Mystery Claws Rickshaw Stop. 8pm, $12.

*Fishbone, Everything Must Go, Loyd Family Players DNA Lounge. 8pm, $14. SF DocFest opening night party.

Larry Garner Biscuits and Blues. 8 and 10pm, $15.

Hoodoo Gurus, Wrong Words Great American Music Hall. 8pm, $26.

Jail Weddings, Lotus Moons, We Are Country Mice Hemlock Tavern. 9pm, $7.

Erica Sunshine Lee, Camaron Ochs, Kelly McFarling Slim’s. 8pm, $13.

Mental 99 El Rio. 7pm, free.

*Silver Griffin, Manzanita, Orchestra of Antlers Red Devil Lounge. 8pm, $6.

JAZZ/NEW MUSIC

Brian Andres and the Afro-Cuban Jazz Cartel Coda. 8:30pm, $10.

Kasey Knudsen, Liza Mezzacappa, Permanent Wave Ensamble Amnesia. 9pm, $5. Part of SFJazz Hotplate Series.

Manhattan Transfer Herbst Theatre, 401 Van Ness, SF; www.sfjazz.org. 7:30pm, $30-75.

FOLK/WORLD/COUNTRY

Savannah Blue Atlas Café. 8pm, free.

“Songwriters Unplugged Showcase III” Yoshi’s San Francisco. 8pm, $14. With Bonnie Hayes, Heather Combs, Anita Lofton, Valerie Orth, and Ziva.

Tu Gusto Musical Coda. 8:30pm, $10. With Brian Andres and the Afro-Cuban Jazz Cartel, Avotcja and Modupue, Alejandro Chavez and Friends, Patricio Angulo and the Sonado Project, and more.

DANCE CLUBS

Afrolicious Elbo Room. 9:30pm, $10. DJs Pleasuremaker and Señor Oz spin Afrobeat, tropicália, electro, samba, and funk.

CakeMIX SF Wish, 1539 Folsom, SF; www.wishsf.com. 10pm, free. DJ Carey Kopp spinning funk, soul, and hip hop.

Caribbean Connection Little Baobab, 3388 19th St, SF; (415) 643-3558. 10pm, $3. DJ Stevie B and guests spin reggae, soca, zouk, reggaetón, and more.

Drop the Pressure Underground SF. 6-10pm, free. Electro, house, and datafunk highlight this weekly happy hour.

Good Foot Som., 2925 16th St, SF; (415) 558-8521. 10pm, free. With DJs spinning R&B, Hip hop, classics, and soul.

Jivin’ Dirty Disco Butter, 354 11th St., SF; (415) 863-5964. 8pm, free. With DJs spinning disco, funk, and classics.

Kissing Booth Make-Out Room. 9pm, free. DJs Jory, Commodore 69, and more spinning indie dance, disco, 80’s, and electro.

Koko Puffs Koko Cocktails, 1060 Geary, SF; (415) 885-4788. 10pm, free. Dubby roots reggae and Jamaican funk from rotating DJs.

Libra Dance Party Deco Lounge, 510 Larkin, SF; (415) 346-2025. 8:30pm, free. With DJs L’Elephant, Tres Lingerie, Steve Fabus, Sergio, Ken Vulsion, André Lucero, and more spinning dance, housem funk, jazz, boogie, and more.

Mestiza Bollywood Café, 3376 19th St, SF; (415) 970-0362. 10pm, free. Showcasing progressive Latin and global beats with DJ Juan Data.

Motion Sickness Vertigo, 1160 Polk, SF; (415) 674-1278. 10pm, free. Genre-bending dance party with DJs Sneaky P, Public Frenemy, and D_Ro Cyclist.

Paul Oakenfold, Chuckie, Kenneth Thomas Fillmore. 8pm, $35. Spinning electronic.

Peaches Skylark, 10pm, free. With an all female DJ line up featuring Deeandroid, Lady Fingaz, That Girl, and Umami spinning hip hop.

Popscene 330 Rich. 10pm, $10. Rotating DJs spinning indie, Britpop, electro, new wave, and post-punk.

Queer Porn TV El Rio. 8pm, $5. A super sexy variety show with Venus in Furs, DJs PRDCT, and Primo, Boylesque by James Darling, a kinky kissing booth, a porno-preview peepshow, and more.

FRIDAY 15

ROCK/BLUES/HIP-HOP

Birds and Batteries, Geographer, Holy Rolling Empire Bottom of the Hill. 10pm, $12.

Blood Red Shoes, Sky Larkin, My First Earthquake Rickshaw Stop. 8:30pm, $12.

Matt Costa, Threes and Nines Slim’s. 9pm, $16.

“Delta Wire’s 40th Year Celebration” Biscuits and Blues. 8 and 10pm, $20.

Jason Derulo, Auburn Regency Ballroom. 8pm, $28.

*Die Antwoord Ameoba, 1855 Haight, SF; www.amoeba.com. 6pm, free.

Girls, Holy Shit, She’s Fillmore. 9pm, $22.50.

Hollyhocks, Billy and Dolly Make-Out Room. 7:30pm, $7.

Indian Jewelry, Clipd Beaks, Late Young Hemlock Tavern. 9:30pm, $10.

Rubblebucket, Kiss and Tell Boom Boom Room. 9:30pm, $10.

Scream, Dusted Angel, Dead Meat Thee Parkside. 9pm, $10-12.

7 Orange ABC, King Baldwin, Maiden Lane, Ladies on a Train Hotel Utah. 8:30pm, $8.

*Kelley Stoltz, Fresh and Onlys, Carletta Sue Kay Café Du Nord. 9:30pm, $12.

Soundearth, Bpos, Agentstriknine, Mantis One El Rio. 9pm, $10.

Tainted Love Bimbo’s 365 Club. 9pm, $23.

JAZZ/NEW MUSIC

Garaj Mahal Swedish American Hall (upstairs from Café Du Nord). 8pm, $35.

FOLK/WORLD/COUNTRY

Meredith Axelrod and Craig Ventresco Amnesia. 7pm, free.

Gaelic Storm Great American Music Hall. 9pm, $20.

Latin Kings All-Stars Yoshi’s San Francisco. 8 and 10pm, $25.

Native Elements Coda. 10pm, $10.

DANCE CLUBS

Club Dragon Club Eight, 1151 Folsom, SF; www.eightsf.com. 9pm, $8. A gay Asian paradise. Featuring two dance floors playing dance and hip hop, smoking patio, and 2 for 1 drinks before 10pm.

Dirty Rotten Dance Party Madrone Art Bar. 9pm, $5. With DJs Morale, Kap10 Harris, and Shane King spinning electro, bootybass, crunk, swampy breaks, hyphy, rap, and party classics.

Exhale, Fridays Project One Gallery, 251 Rhode Island, SF; (415) 465-2129. 5pm, $5. Happy hour with art, fine food, and music with Vin Sol, King Most, DJ Centipede, and Shane King.

Fat Stack Fridays Koko Cocktails, 1060 Geary, SF; (415) 885-4788. 10pm, free. With rotating DJs B-Cause, Vinnie Esparza, Mr. Robinson, Toph One, and Slopoke.

Fubar Fridays Butter, 354 11th St., SF; (415) 863-5964. 6pm, $5. With DJs spinning retro mashup remixes.

Good Life Fridays Apartment 24, 440 Broadway, SF; (415) 989-3434. 10pm, $10. With DJ Brian spinning hip hop, mashups, and top 40.

Hella Tight Amnesia. 10pm, $3.

Hot Chocolate Milk. 9pm, $5. With DJs Big Fat Frog, Chardmo, DuseRock, and more spinning old and new school funk.

Hubba Hubba Revue: Mad Science DNA Lounge. 9pm, $10-15. Burlesque gone mad with the Fuxedos.

Jah Yzer’s Nickel Bag of Funk Birthday Celebration Elbo Room. 10pm, $5. Hip-hop and reggae with DJs Ant-One, Sean G, and Jah Yzer.

Mercury Soul 111 Minna Gallery. 5pm, free. A happy hour filled with DJ sets and string quartets.

Oldies Night Knockout. 9pm, $2-4. Doo-wop and one-hit wonders with DJs Primo, Daniel, and Lost Cat.

Radioactivity 222 Hyde, SF; (415) 440-0222. 6pm. Synth sounds of the cold war era.

Rockabilly Fridays Jay N Bee Club, 2736 20th St, SF; (415) 824-4190. 9pm, free. With DJs Rockin’ Raul, Oakie Oran, Sergio Iglesias, and Tanoa “Samoa Boy” spinning 50s and 60s Doo Wop, Rockabilly, Bop, Jive, and more.

Some Thing The Stud. 10pm, $7. VivvyAnne Forevermore, Glamamore, and DJ Down-E give you fierce drag shows and afterhours dancing.

*Z-Trip Mighty. 9pm, $25.

SATURDAY 16

ROCK/BLUES/HIP-HOP

Big Lion, Mental 99, Clair, True Margrit, Battlin’ Bluebirds Bottom of the Hill. 9:30pm, $10.

Burmese, Kowloon Walled City, Nero Order Hemlock Tavern. 9:30pm, $7.

Meklit Hadero Swedish American Hall (upstairs from Café Du Nord). 8pm, $25.

Jackie Payne Band Biscuits and Blues. 8 and 10pm, $20.

McTuff Coda. 10pm, $10.

Morning Benders, Twin Sister, Cults Fillmore. 9pm, $20.

No Alternative, Everything Must Go, Hightower El Rio. 10pm, $7.

Rogue Wave, Mumlers Independent. 9pm, $15.

Rubblebucket, Katdelic Boom Boom Room. 9:30pm, $10.

Sic Alps, Howlin Rain, Wooden Shjips, Greg Ashley, Assemble Head in Sunburst Sound Thee Parkside. 1:30pm, $15. With Carlton Melton, White Manna, Young Prisms, and more.

Scott Alan Simmons, JJ Schultz Band, Glittersnatch Hotel Utah. 9pm, $10.

Street Dogs, Devil’s Brigade, Flatfoot 56, Continental Slim’s. 8pm, $16.

Tainted Love Bimbo’s 365 Club. 9pm, $23.

Wiz Khalifa, Yelawolf 8pm, $22.50.

JAZZ/NEW MUSIC

“Ladies of Jazz” Noe Valley Ministry, 1021 Sanchez, SF; www.noevalleymusicseries.com. 8:15pm, $25. With Cathi Walkup, Jennifer Lee, Leanne Weatherly, and Melissa Dinwiddie.

Stella Royale Café Royale, 800 Post, SF; (415) 641-6033. 8pm, free.

FOLK/WORLD/COUNTRY

Robert Gastalum, Esben and the Witch Amnesia. 7pm, free.

Craig Ventresco and Meredith Axelrod Atlas Café. 4pm, free.

DANCE CLUBS

Bar on Church 9pm. Rotating DJs Foxxee, Joseph Lee, Zhaldee, Mark Andrus, and Nuxx.

Bootie: Hubba Hubba Revue Pirate Show DNA Lounge. 9pm, $6-12. Mash-ups, burlesque, and more.

Booty Bassment Knockout. 10pm, $5. Hip-hop with DJs Ryan Poulsen and Dimitri Dickenson.

Cock Fight Underground SF. 9pm, $7. Gay locker room antics galore with electro-spinning DJ Earworm, MyKill, and Dcnstrct.

Fire Corner Koko Cocktails, 1060 Geary, SF; (415) 885-4788. 9:30pm, free. Rare and outrageous ska, rocksteady, and reggae vinyl with Revival Sound System and guests.

Fringe Madrone Art Bar. 9pm, $5. With DJs Blondie K and subOctave spinning indie music videos.

Full House Gravity, 3505 Scott, SF; (415) 776-1928. 9pm, $10. With DJs Roost Uno and Pony P spinning dirty hip hop.

HYP Club Eight, 1151 Folsom, SF; www.eightsf.com. 10pm, free. Gay and lesbian hip hop party, featuring DJs spinning the newest in the top 40s hip hop and hyphy.

Ok Hole Amnesia. 9pm, $5. With DJs Nay Nay, Muscledrum, and C.L.A.W.S. spinning dance music.

Prince vs. Michael Madrone Art Bar. 8pm, $5. With DJs Dave Paul and Jeff Harris battling it out on the turntables with album cuts, remixes, rare tracks, and classics.

Rock City Butter, 354 11th St., SF; (415) 863-5964. 6pm, $5 after 10pm. With DJs spinning party rock.

Saturday Night Soul Party Elbo Room. 10pm-2am, $10. DJs Lucky, Paul Paul, and Phengren Oswald spin butt-shakin’ ’60s soul on 45.

Spirit Fingers Sessions 330 Ritch. 9pm, free. With DJ Morse Code and live guest performances.

SUNDAY 17

ROCK/BLUES/HIP-HOP

Arrington De Dionysos Malaikat dan Singa, Edmund Welles, Lickets Hotel Utah. 9pm, $7.

*Batusis, Re-Volts Thee Parkside. 8pm, $12-15.

Craig Chaquico Yoshi’s San Francisco. 7 and 9pm, $25.

Lloyd Gregory Biscuits and Blues. 8 and 10pm, $15.

Hot Chip, Sleigh Bells Warfield. 9pm, $38.

Johnny Hi-Fi, Lion Riding Horses, Festizio Café Du Nord. 8pm, $10.

Living Colour, Against the Girl Independent. 8pm, $25.

Amy Obenski Rock-It Room. 7pm, free.

Say Anything, Motion City Soundtrack, Saves the Day, Valencia Regency Ballroom. 8pm, $27.

Toys That Kill, Fleshies, Rank/Xerox Hemlock Tavern. 8pm, $7.

JAZZ/NEW MUSIC

Laurie Antonioli, Matt Clar, and John Shifflett Bliss Bar, 4026 24th St, SF; (415) 826-6200. 4:30pm, $10.

Clarinet Thing Koret Auditorium, de Young Museum, Golden Gate Park, 50 Hagiwara Tea Garden Dr, SF; www.theintersection.org. 2pm, free.

FOLK/WORLD/COUNTRY

Candela El Rio. 4pm, $8.

Gayle Lynn and Her Hired Hands Thee Parkside. 4pm, free.

DANCE CLUBS

Call In Sick Skylark. 9pm, free. DJs Animal and I Will spin danceable hip-hop.

DiscoFunk Mashups Cat Club. 10pm, free. House and 70’s music.

Dub Mission Elbo Room. 9pm, $6. Dub, dubstep, roots, and dancehall with Vinnie Esparza and J Boogie.

Gloss Sundays Trigger, 2344 Market, SF; (415) 551-CLUB. 7pm. With DJ Hawthorne spinning house, funk, soul, retro, and disco.

Honey Soundsystem Paradise Lounge. 8pm-2am. “Dance floor for dancers – sound system for lovers.” Got that?

Jock! Lookout, 3600 16th St, SF; (415) 431-0306. 3pm, $2. This high-energy party raises money for LGBT sports teams.

Kick It Bar on Church. 9pm. Hip-hop with DJ Zax.

Lowbrow Sunday Delirium. 1pm, free. DJ Roost Uno and guests spinning club hip hop, indie, and top 40s.

Pachanga Coda. 7pm, $10. Salsa dance party with DJs Fab Fred and DJ Antonio, with Louie Romero y Mazacote.

Religion Bar on Church. 3pm. With DJ Nikita.

Stag AsiaSF. 6pm, $5. Gay bachelor parties are the target demo of this weekly erotic tea dance.

Swing Out Sundays Rock-It Room. 7pm, free (dance lessons $15). DJ BeBop Burnie spins 20s through 50s swing, jive, and more.

MONDAY 18

ROCK/BLUES/HIP-HOP

David Bazan, Wye Oak Independent. 8pm, $15.

Califone, Greg Ashley Bottom of the Hill. 9pm, $12.

Tia Carroll Biscuits and Blues. 8 and 10pm, $15.

Envy, La Dispute, Touche Amore, And So I Watch You From Afar Café Du Nord. 8pm, $14.

Flyleaf, Story of the Year Regency Ballroom. 7:30pm, $25.

Jugtown Pirates, Rob and Cindy, Chris Jeffries and the Plastic Fantastic Lovestains Elbo Room. 9pm, $5.

*Lydia and the Projects, Dina Maccabee Band, Matthew Edwards and the Unfortunates Knockout. 9pm, $7.

Elissa P., Dot Punto, Moonlight Orchestra El Rio. 7pm, $5.

DANCE CLUBS

Black Gold Koko Cocktails, 1060 Geary, SF; (415) 885-4788. 10pm-2am, free. Senator Soul spins Detroit soul, Motown, New Orleans R&B, and more — all on 45!

Death Guild DNA Lounge. 9:30pm, $3-5. Gothic, industrial, and synthpop with DJs Decay, Joe Radio, and Melting Girl.

Household Triple Crown. 9pm, free. With DJs Mr. White, Kimmy Le Funk, Gabriel Testadorra, and Daren Grant spinning house, disco, techno, hip hop, funk, and soul.

Krazy Mondays Beauty Bar. 10pm, free. With DJs Ant-1, $ir-Tipp, Ruby Red I, Lo, and Gelo spinning hip hop.

M.O.M. Madrone Art Bar. 6pm, free. With DJ Gordo Cabeza and guests playing all Motown every Monday.

Manic Mondays Bar on Church. 9pm. Drink 80-cent cosmos with Djs Mark Andrus and Dangerous Dan.

Musik for Your Teeth Revolution Café, 3248 22nd St., SF; (415) 642-0474. 5pm, free. Soul cookin’ happy hour tunes with DJ Antonino Musco.

Network Mondays Azul Lounge, One Tillman Pl, SF; www.inhousetalent.com. 9pm, $5. Hip-hop, R&B, and spoken word open mic, plus featured performers.

Punk Rock Sideshow Hemlock Tavern. 10pm, free. With DJ Tragic and Duchess of Hazard.

Skylarking Skylark. 10pm, free. With resident DJs I & I Vibration, Beatnok, and Mr. Lucky and weekly guest DJs.

TUESDAY 19

ROCK/BLUES/HIP-HOP

Cory Chisel, Sahara Smith Café Du Nord. 8pm, $12.

Dahga Bloom, Moccreto, Superstitions Five Points Arthouse, 72 Tehama, SF; www.fivepointsarthouse.com. 9pm.

Electric Shepherd, Outlets, Swaybone Bottom of the Hill. 9pm, $8.

Film School, LoveLikeFire, Fake Your Own Death Independent. 8pm, $15.

Half Handed Cloud, Roar, Carol Cleveland Sings Hemlock Tavern. 9pm, $6.

Minus the Bear, Tim Kasher, AM Regency Ballroom. 7:30pm, $24.

Nick Moss and the Flip Tops Biscuits and Blues. 8 and 10pm, $20.

Ash Reiter, Petracovich, Jamie Drake, Carly Escoto Hotel Utah. 9pm, $6.

Sentinel Beast, Hatchet, Vindicator, Possessor Thee Parkside. 8pm, $8.

Villagers, Dave Smallen, Attachments, Yourstru.ly Rickshaw Stop. 8pm, $12.

DANCE CLUBS

Alcoholocaust Presents Argus Lounge. 9pm, free. With DJ What’s His Fuck.

Brazilian Wax Elbo Room. 9pm, $7. With Forro Brazuca and DJs Carioca and P-Shot.

Eclectic Company Skylark, 9pm, free. DJs Tones and Jaybee spin old school hip hop, bass, dub, glitch, and electro.

Rock Out Karaoke! Amnesia. 7:30pm. With Glenny Kravitz.

Share the Love Trigger, 2344 Market, SF; (415) 551-CLUB. 5pm, free. With DJ Pam Hubbuck spinning house.

Womanizer Bar on Church. 9pm. With DJ Nuxx.

 

Hot sexy events Sept 29 – Oct 5

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With Folsom’s fumes still coming out of your pores thanks to this week’s weather’s surprise cameo by Death Valley, you are perhaps wondering the best spot to get hot and sweaty with your newfound best trick. We got you covered — as we do each week here in the schvitzy dungeon of the SFBG stables. Read on for porn parodies, artistic foreplay, and techno-free touching.

 

Naked Men’s Sketch

Eros’ website says that the NMS that takes over the community room in the sex club each Wednesday is all about fostering artistic development. But it’s not too many life drawing classes that require that all involved take a turn up on the nudie dais. Could it be that art here is not defined by the charcoal sketch on the pad in front of you? If you invite your favorite David to partake in the creative carnality on option in the rest of the club, you will probably be forgiven. 

Wed/29 7-9 p.m., free

Eros

2051 Market, SF

(415) 864-3767

www.erossf.com


Arse Elektronika

Sex in space. Space in sex. Sex in coffins, fucking machines, digital sex toys – Arse Elektronika is a three day festival of what it means to be human in this digital age. And if they want you to dress like a 1950s B-movie sci-fi character in which to do it all, so be it. The weekend kicks off with a parties, one featuring said coffin (in which couples can be “buried” and do what they like in front of the coffin’s installed night vision cam), and continues with lectures all day on topics from Creating Spaces for Sex, taught by Carol Queen, and Blowing Your Load: The Office Shooting Spree as Sexual Metaphor. Something for everyone!

Thur/30-Sun/3, $20 day pass – $50 weekend pass

Times and locations vary

www.monochrom.at


Kiss

An adult social club with nary a trace of techno is a rare event at Mission Control, where Burners often flock for some radical free love in the playa off-season. But not so at Kiss, where pre-screened women and couples get their play started on the dancefloor before they progress to one of the MC’s be-pillowed, bedazzled romper rooms.

Sat/2 10 p.m., RSVP required, see website for prices

Mission Control

2519 Mission, SF

www.clubkiss.us


Bent XXX Parody

Cue the over-exaggerated moans and overdone dialogue – this month’s BDSM young people play party, Bent, is taking on the parody. The theme for the party this weekend plays into the penchant for pornos to spoof – adding a little ribbing at Twilight or The Office‘s expense in with the sensual sexy play. To this end, hosts Stefanos and Chey will be holding a “Bent’s Got Talent!” face-off, where competitors are encourage to show off their deep-throating, to ribbon-dancing to zither-playing skills. 

Fri/1 9 p.m.-1 a.m., $20

SF Citadel

1277 Mission, SF

(415) 626-1746

www.stefanosandchey.com/bent.html


Ms. Leather SF 2010 Competition

Since 1987 when Shadow Morton took home the prize for best dyke in skins, the Ms. Leather SF Competition has been turning heads and cracking whips — in fact, three of those years, Ms. SF has gone on to win the International Ms. Leather sash (2009’s winner Mollena Williams among them). Who will be the lucky womyn this time around? The three contestants are all upstanding members of the SF sex community, so judges might have a tough time figuring out who comes out on top.

Sat/2 6:30 p.m., $10-20

Hotel Whitcomb

1231 Market, SF

www.mssfleather.org


OMG – Multiple Gushing G-Spot Orgasms

Tallulah Samis, somatic sexologist comes to tell you just how to achieve that Herbal Essence commercial look. Of course, it’s not just about great hair. She’s talking “exquisite Yoni (vagina) massage techniques,” for you and/or a friend!

Mon/4 6-8 p.m., $20-25

Good Vibrations

1620 Polk, SF

(415) 345-0400

www.goodvibes.com

 

Getting our rocks off: a historical perspective

4

San Francisco is waiting for its Boogie Nights. Unbeknownst to Hollywood, our fair berg was the infant creche of hardcore pornography, spawning a subculture of porn theaters that thrived despite police harassment and political pressure.

We were number one! Luckily, a few brave men are resurrecting our porn golden age money shot – read on for a first look at documentary The Smut Capital of America and an interview with the director himself, Michael Stabile.


Smut Capital is by no means Stabile’s first porn rodeo. The co-editor of Gay Porn Blog, he and Smut Capital editor-cinematographer Ben Leon are both mainstays in the SF gay porn scene. The two were researching their upcoming doc on the life of gay smut powerhouse Falcon Studios founder Chuck Holmes when Stabile came across a New York Times article that inspired the title of their new project, which is a work in progress for which the team is fundraising in order to release the finished film in 2011.

“Until then I’d always thought of it as an industry that emerged from LA, but San Francisco was actually the city that birthed the porno theater. It was the beginning of the sexual revolution, and in a lot of ways these directors were documenting this newly found freedoms.” Stabile attributes the renaissance to hippie women “with really no hangups,” a progressive zeitgeist that had seized the city in the late sixties and early seventies, and film processing studios that were willing to develop sexually explicit material. By the era’s zenith in 1972, there were porno film theaters in neighborhoods across the city.

Not that everyone was down to get all that action on screen. Dianne Feinstein, first in her post as the city’s first female president of the Board of Supervisors and then as SF’s first female mayor, led a crusade focused on cleaning up the Tenderloin, which incidentally included sweeping the neighborhood free of its supply of adult movie houses. What ensued was an orchestrated harassment policy that different porn theaters dealt with in different ways.

Established theaters, Stabile says, actually benefited from the police and media persecution. “They’d come in with cameras, it’d be on the five o clock news and it would be great for them,” he says. “Advertising was very limited at the Chronicle. Feinstein would come in with her troops and would detail everything that was going on. Suddenly there was a way to talk about it, so people would flood into the theaters.” The Mitchell Brothers grew so adept at playing the cat and mouse game, he says, that they would post Feinstein’s office number on their marquee under the words “call for a good time.”

But not everyone prospered. Smaller theaters that depended on a few workers to operate, like Alex DeRenzy’s Screening Room, suffered when police would take key staffers on pointeless joyrides around town before booking them on charges of vice crime. Eventually factors like these, and more importantly the advent of video porn in the 1980s pulled the adult film business down to Los Angeles.

The move shifted the purpose of sex films away from their original role in the Sexual Revolution. Says Stabile “People were doing it here because they enjoyed it, because they wanted their own sexualities represented. It’s not like that in LA for the most part, where even a lot of the gay studios are owned by straight men looking to turn a profit.”

But don’t worry, the party’s not over. One of Stabile’s main goals with the film is not just to highlight good sex gone by, but that which cums and goes even today. When asked whether SF is still a presence in the world of porn, he had no equivocation. “Its one of the great untold stories in the local media – San Francisco has a huge porn presence. Raging Stallion, Falcon, Hot House – seven of the top ten gay porn studios are located up here, there’s Kink.com, porn writers like Violet Blue,” he says.

It appears that the tech savvy and sexual freedom that led to our capital crowning are still alive and well on these city streets. Phew! Now you may now go back to your regularly scheduled local porn browsing.

Hot sexy events Sept 22-28

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What’s going on in sexy San Francisco this week? Everything. End of column. Jokes! As a matter de facto, however, Folsom Street Fair has unfurled its chaps from its carry-on from Detroit and would already be generating some friction between its thighs (were they not a crotchless affair), the amount of sexy parties its been stirring up from SoMa to NoMa to Ma and beyond. After all, with all the fresh meat on the street this week, it seems a shame to relegate all the naughtiness to Sunday’s main event. Here’s a smattering of what’s going on in terms of pre-planned bacchanalia.

 

Lesbo Retro: A Dyke Porn Retrospective

Sexy founder of Harlem Shake Burlesque (and one of SFBG’s 2001 Sexiest People in the Bay Area ass pat) Simone de la Getto performs at this retrospective of films of lustful ladies, by lustful ladies. Shar and Jackie of S.I.R. Productions take you down this memory lane of film clips. Plus, free pizza!

Weds/22 8-9:30 p.m., $10

The Women’s Building

3543 18th St., SF

www.gv-ixff.org


Indie Erotic Film Festival

A whole Castro Theatre full of San Franciscans watching other San Franciscans get it on in homemade short films? And it’s the same week as Folsom? Sounds like a recipe for sweet, sweet trouble. Peaches Christ and her fab friends and Carol Queen will be on hand to add some levity to the goings-on – and to hand out the $1,500 for the best clip.

Thurs/23 7-8 p.m., $10

Castro Theatre

429 Castro, SF

www.gv-ixff.org


How To Eat a Peach: Pleasuring Her

Midori teaches the method for sucking out the sweetest juices (fruit props will be involved, natch) at this workshop for all those that love loving the ladies.

Sat/25 8- 10 p.m., $20

SF Citadel

1277 Mission, SF

(415) 626-1746

www.sfcitadel.org


Slut!

Dykey sluts, slutty dykes – you too deserve your own Folsom party! Host Oxana Olsen of Mall Madness hosts this hawt dance party, where prizes will be awarded for best uniform, leather outfit, and fetish wear.

Sat/25 9 p.m., free

The Lexington Club

3464 19th< St., SF

(415) 863-2052

www.lexingtonclub.com

 

Perverts Put Out

 

Oh how we love the words: as seen on Fox News! An onstage celebration of all things demonstrably slutty, this sporadic series will feature performances by Meliza Bañales, Greta Christina, Stephen Elliot, Robert Lawrence, Thomas Roche, Lori Selke, and horehound stillpoint. It may well be more than enough sexual confessional, monolouging, and live smut to satisfy for the evening.

Sat/25 7:30 p.m., $10-15 sliding scale

Center for Sex and Culture

1519 Mission, SF

(415) 255-1155

www.simonsheppard.com/pervertsputout.html


Magnitude

Folsom Street’s official dance party – because why ever would you romp about in the sunshine? Hit the floor to work up a froth to the tunes of DJ Manny Letham. Stay later for the Aftershock party to ensure you’ll be a hot mess for the Fair the next day! ($30-40 www.thediscosf.com)

Sat/25 10 p.m.-4 a.m., $80

525 Harrison, SF

www.folsomstreetfair.org


Pussyfest

Here kitty, kitty, kitty! Kinky Salon’s cat-themed play party is here, so grab your partner (no singles allowed), fluff your whiskers, and swing over to the cat fight.

Sat/25 9 p.m., $25-30 (members only)

Mission Control

2519 Mission, SF

www.kinkysalon.com


Folsom Street Fair

The grandaddy of all public, streetside leather events assumes its five-block throne in SoMa, where leather bars have been located since The Tool Box’s grand arrival in 1961. Join the 400,000 strong who will be frolicking at the third largest street fair in Cali.

Sun/26 11 a.m.- 6 p.m., $7 suggested donation

Folsom between Seventh and 12th Sts., SF

www.folsomstreetfair.org

Hot sluts!

59

culture@sfbg.com

SEX ISSUE Forget those uptight pricks: sluts are awesome. There’s no shame in harboring a voracious appetite for sexiness in all its myriad expressions. Combined with a well-developed ethical stance and safe practices, it’s one of the joys of being human. In honor of the enormous, charitable Folsom Street leather and fetish fair (Sun/26, 11 a.m.–6 p.m., donations requested. www.folsomstreetfair.org), we wanted to honor some of our favorite local sluts with the pervy attention they want and deserve. 

>>CLICK HERE FOR PICS OF OUR FAVORITE HOT SLUTS!

SLUTTIEST CELLULOID

You’ve always wanted to watch your neighbors bang, right? Well moan enthusiastically in honor of the Good Vibrations Indie Erotic Film Festival, which every year puts the call out for the cream of the amateur blue filmmaker crop, then assembles the spunkiest for your viewing pleasure at the Castro Theatre. You too can be in the audience, which will ooh and aah its approval to choose the sexiest, steamiest home-screw, the lucky winner receiving a $1,500 money shot. So how does SF get it on? This year’s 12 finalists include preggo smut (Jeannie Roshar’s “Bun in the Oven”), good old-fashioned wordplay like Benjamin Williams’ “The Filth Element,” and sci-fi sexin’ (“Orgasm Raygun” by Martin Gooch). The fest precedes a range of specialty nights around town coordinated by Good Vibes, including Lebso Retro: A Dyke Porn Retrospective (Wed/22 at the Women’s Building). It’s gonna be a hot ticket, so grab a seat, relax your rear, and revel in the sight of sexy San Francisco.

Thurs/23 pre party: 7 p.m., $10; screening: 8 p.m., $10. Castro Theatre, 429 Castro, SF. (415) 621-6120, www.gv-ixff.org

 

SLUTTIEST QUEEN

“I’m so honored to be named Sluttiest Queen,” inimitable alternative drag goddess Suppositori Spelling tells us. “It’s nice to see that my work hasn’t gone unnoticed. I have so many performances that require nudity that when I drop my skirt lately it’s often met with a wave of yawns from my audience. I think they’re more shocked by the presence of panties nowadays.” (Her audience, found at her raucous weekly drag show Cocktailgate — Sundays, 9 p.m., $5. Truck, 1900 Folsom St., SF. www.trucksf.com — sheds a few panties themselves when she’s on stage.) “I could tell you stories so dirty hot that this paper would burn like a Koran in Florida” she continues, “but I’m so shy and reserved. I will say this, though: as far as the queer sex scene in San Francisco goes, we seem to be in the flush of a renaissance. I keep stumbling upon things that even make me blush — like the gentleman who preferred a visible handjob on public transportation during rush hour as foreplay. But I encourage whatever floats your boat or creams your Twinkie. I just want to clarify, however, that “ouch” is not a safe word!”

Suppositori emcees the Seventh Street stage at Folsom Street Fair from 11 a.m.–2 p.m., followed by a special performance at 2:30 p.m., and then a “hanky code” themed Cocktailgate at its regular time.

 

SLUTTIEST BOYS

Dan and JD, a.k.a. Two Knotty Boys, are no strangers to the twists and loops of BDSM performance. Native San Franciscans both, they not only create mesmerizing stage shows in which they bind nubile flesh to their will, but also produce end results so visionary that you’d be excused for leaving off the “fetish” and dubbing it merely “fashion.” A ever-so-tightly cinched halter top of gleaming white cord, a barely there cobweb bikini that requires an expert hand to remove, overlays of skirts and dresses that hobble the wearer seductively and at the same time, show off the contours of the female body. It’s neat, it’s adjustable, it’s sexily professional work. It’s easy to see why the duo has filmed more than 100 video tutorials and taught countless workshops in the Bay and beyond for their eager fans: the Boys have tied up hundreds of women but, unlike some humiliation artists, they have never tied down their subjects’ beauty and comfort.

www.twoknottyboys.com

 

SLUTTIEST PARTIERS

Was it written on the rock hard abs of some San Franciscan sex god that all coital gatherings in this city have to be stark and stoic? Thankfully, the colorful gang over at Kinky Salon never got that memo. Creators Polly and Scott have created a swinger’s playland party in the pink and purple rooms of Mission Control whose focus is flair: playful costume themes have focused on everything from kitty cats (the upcoming Pussyfest) to undersea adventure and fairy tale characters. You’ve never lived, it would seem, until your Snow White costume has been peeled off on the couch in the Harem Room by Tinkerbell and Captain Hook. More recently, the team has created a new magazine to celebrate the vast array of sexualities that their partygoers lay claim to: San Fran Sexy. The rag includes erotic history lessons from sexologist Dr. Carol Queen, memoir pieces from Bawdy Storytelling’s Dixie De La Tour, photos from recent Kinky Salon soirees, and news of sensual events to come.

www.kinkysalon.com

 

SLUTTIEST ROCKERS

“If the Meat Sluts were a Pink Lady, we’d be Rizzo! We ain’t no prudes like Sandy!” says BB Rumproast of rockin’ band the Meat Sluts (www.myspace.com/themeatsluts). In a world of vegan dogs, her XXX-chromosomed trash rock-punk explosion is an all-beef foot long. The four women are cookin’ on stage — literally. In addition to the occasional back up steak dancing alongside their guitar licks and growls, the Meat Sluts have shared space at shows with a live hot dog-maker and a meat grinder flinging sausage and baloney onto hungry fans. It’s messy, carnivorous fun — the perfect expression of the group’s embrace of hedonistic appetite that could care less about what’s considered “ladylike” at the table of the musical establishment. “We are loose and crazy and not ashamed of it! We love man meat! We love weenies! Beef baloney, Slim Jims, T-bones, bring it ON!” says Rumproast. To quote the Sluts’ rager rally cry “Johnny Con Carne,” that’s what we call makin’ bacon.

The Meat Sluts play Dodgyfest 3, Oct 2, 7 p.m., $10. Thee Parkside, 1600 17th St., SF. www.theeparkside.com

 

SLUTTIEST BLOGGER

Fleur De Lis SF has a bone to pick with the way hot and horny females are portrayed. “Women are just as sexual as men and they should own it,” the blogger tells us. Need proof? Check out the blog she started this summer — just make sure your hands are free and you’ve got a little privacy while you do so. Her posts are missives from a professional woman’s enthusiastic exploration of sensual subcultures in “one of the sexiest cities in the world.” Though her identity is clad in secrecy, Fleur De Lis SF’s escapades with Craig’s List Casual Encounters, BDSM clubs, and randy run-ins at the grocery store will leave you slicker than a Slip ‘N Slide in 90 percent humidity. Erotic inspiration notwithstanding, what we love about this new It slut is her candor and assertiveness. “Mainly, I want to educate people to embrace sex and sexuality,” she says. “I want people to accept who they are, and who are we are sexually is a huge part of who we are as people.”

fleurdelissf.wordpress.com

 

SLUTTIEST MAN ACTION

For the past few years, hunky leatherman cruisers have been blessed with the return of a SoMa bar crawl, which, while hardly rivaling the infamous Miracle Mile of the 1970s and ’80s, at least offers hide-lusting bar-hoppers an array of options. Truck, Hole in the Wall, Powerhouse, the Eagle, Lone Star — all make for a daisy chain of fellow cock-seekers. But the piece de resistance is surely Chaps II, which gives itself wholly over to man-action bliss. The original Chaps, owned by Chuck Slaton and Ron Morrison, was notorious for its Crisco-minded shenanigans, and Chaps II, opened in 2008 by David Morgan, continues the proudly perverse tradition, with parties devoted to rope play, piss play, fisting, and sports gear aficionados, as well as regular nights simply dedicated to the Holy Grail of slutty manhood: cheap ass. (For those unfamiliar — cheap ass tastes like chicken parmesan.) Kudos to you, Chaps II, for keeping the BDSM spirit alive — and serving a healthy round of Jäger shots to boot.

1225 Folsom, SF. (415) 255-2427, www.chapsbarsanfrancisco.com

 

SLUTTIEST ROBOTS

Drilldo, Intruder MK II, the Satisfyher, Scorpion, the Little Guy, Annihilator, the Octapussy — these are some of the friendly, dripping sex robots you’ll meet at FuckingMachines.com, part of the Kink.com kingdom. The machines put a bevy of heaving beauties through the motions with their dildo-studded fingers and pulsating hacksaw thrusts. Designed by lucky site users, who submit their moving-parts fantasies, and the fiendishly clever sex-elves at the Fucking Machines workshop (with many of the machines fabricated on site at Kink’s HQ in the Mission Armory), these fascinating thingamabobs range from devilishly dirty to actually kind of cute. There’s even one modeled on Johnny 5 from Short Circuit, albeit renamed Fuckzilla and outfitted with a huge silicone phallus. The whole shebang is overseen by the enthusiastic Tomcat, who drives the point home that, yes, a chainsaw outfitted with 20 fake tongues “challenges the whole idea that women need someone to buy them dinner to get pleasure.” Fucking machines themselves have been around since the 1960s, he notes, “but when we started in 2001, we wanted to capitalize on the tech wave, while approaching the machine construction like sculpture.” Good thing the Fucking Machine bubble didn’t burst.

 

SLUTTIEST SLÜT

Burlesque heroine Baroness Eva Von Slüt knows what she’s got, and she’s happy to show it to you. The inked, buxom platinum blonde dove into burlesque in 2002, but she’s never been afraid of flaunting her dangerous curves onstage. “Whatever the thing is that women have that they hate their bodies, I just don’t have it. I don’t compare myself to other people because I know I look good.” Von Slüt produces her own burlesque shows, plays party-jumping jams with partner DJ Mod Days, and heads up the vocals for no less than two sexy bands — Thee Merry Widows, an all-girl psychobilly explosion of fishnets, red lipstick, and leather dresses, at whose shows Von Slüt will bust out in pasties and sequined panties, and the White Barons, a stripped down, hard-edged punk outfit in which Von Slüt lets her rebel growl loose. So what gets this freight train whistling? Purrs the lady, “Self-confidence and kindness. Also, I am a bit of a cougar, so gentlemen 10 years younger. I’m not opposed to men my age or older, but gosh they’re just so sweet when they’re young!”

Catch Von Slüt’s DJ session on Wednesday, Oct. 13 at Butter, 354 11th St., SF. www.myspace.com/missevavonslut

 

SLUTTIEST FREE-FOR-ALL

There are a lot of gay musclemen at the Folsom Street Fair, and there are a lot of steamy, shirtless gay man-parties surrounding the event (causing quite a few Monday morning tragedies). But what about everyone else? “I was talking to my friends at Kink,” says Folsom organizer Demetri Moshoyannis, “and they said that once the fair ended, all the leathermen had a place to go, but everyone at the Kink booth just had to go home. So this year we teamed up with them to change that.” The result? A glorious-sounding omnisexual dance party called Deviants that’s open to everyone. The acknowledgment that gay muscle men aren’t the only ones who can get down and dirty into the wee hours is refreshing. But so is the musical lineup — the Juan Maclean, Zach Moore from Space Cowboys, Australia’s Stereogamous — which offers something beyond the carnival circuit-music at many of the other parties. Musclemen are welcome, too, of course, as long as they’re willing to shake their chains on the dance floor.

Sun/26, 6 p.m.–2 a.m., $30 advance. 525 Harrison, SF. www.folsomstreetfair.org/deviants

 

SLUTTIEST PIE

It’s not too many harems that offer you 40 different ways to satisfy your cravings. But hot, lip-smacking loving can be yours — in three different locations or for delivery, no less! — whenever that urge to do something naughty hits, whether you like it on your lunch hour or for a post-bar dirty stopover. Oh, Pizza Orgasmica, you sure do know what gets us going. The local chain has umpteen big, salacious pies with nookie-themed names for your perusing. And although the Ménage à Trois, with it’s cuddle puddle of five salty cheeses, will leave you panting, and the Latin Lover’s barbeque sauce, chicken, zucchini, onions, and cilantro make for a meaty, spicy affair, the sluttiest pie award has got to go to the Farmer’s Daughter. She looks like a demure little milkmaid (after all, you can find her on the vegetarian menu) — but once her drizzles of creamy bianca cheese hit your tongue, and her fresh corn and broccoli fill your mouth … it’s a tumble in the hay you won’t soon forget. Old MacDonald would be scandalized.

Various locations, www.pizzaorgasmica.com

 

SLUTTIEST CLOWN

When it comes gender-bending sexual escapades, we landlubbing bipeds tend to give short shrift to our finned, feathered, and multi-legged Earthmates. That’s why we’re giving a hearty bottoms up to the California Academy of Science’s Amphiprion ocellaris. The showy orange and white striped fish, whose common name is clownfish, is best known as the aquatic brat in Finding Nemo. But we don’t care about Nemo’s celebrity — or his billions. We salute him for his ability to shift from male to female when needed, giving her access to the entire spectrum of fishy sexuality. One of the planet’s rare sequential hermaphrodites, all clownfish are born male (protandrous hermaphrodites) but become female when the female in a breeding pair dies. You may never look at a clownfish the same way again — and you should certainly go and look at them at the Cal Academy aquarium (www.calacademy.org), where the San Franciscan clownfish ride tiny fixies, design websites, and sip Blue Bottle. Kidding! But maybe we should rethink always calling them “Nemo.” How about Nema for a change? Or Nemo-ma. Or, oh goddess of LGBT fish love, Nemaphrodite.

 

SLUTTIEST BUFFET

It’s lunchtime Friday and you need a juicy thigh in your mouth: Gold Club is there. And no, we’re not talking about the lovely ladies popping, dropping, and locking it all over the SoMa strip club’s pleasure poles. Carnal urges take on new meaning when it comes to the joint’s $5 all you can eat Friday buffet, an omnivorous affair stuffed with roast beef, lasagna, fresh veggies, hummus, brownies, and their signature breasts (or as one Yelper so memorably dubbed them, “fried chicken tit-tays!”) The spread attracts a diverse crowd of office workers and lap-dance connoisseurs of all genders, endowed with an appetite for crispy skin and jiggling glutei maximi alike. So pair your plate with a $4 happy hour cocktail — available until 7 p.m. — and don’t forget to share your savings with the working women up front.

Gold Club’s all you can eat buffet Fridays 11 a.m.– 2 p.m., $5. 650 Howard, SF. (415) 536-0300, www.goldclubsf.com

Slutty profiles written by Marke B., Caitlin Donohue, Johnny Ray Huston, and Diane Sussman.

alt.sex.column: Think Mulder

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Dear Andrea:

My girlfriend and I have been talking about fisting (vaginal). She wants to do it to me. I’m interested, I guess, but it seems kind of impossible. Is it really going to fit? Is there anything I can do that will help? Is it going to hurt?

Love,

Unbeliever

Dear Un-

I think I promised readers a “stuff up your butt” column this week, to make up for all the medical columns. Yours will have to do.

Now. Fisting (vaginal) is indeed possible — even fairly easy — for many-to-most vaginas to achieve. But as a beginner, it may help you to channel a bit of Fox Mulder: you have to want to believe. One way to coax such belief along is to see the thing with your own eyes, and I would suggest that you have another vagina and at least four hands at your immediate disposal, but I’m going to assume that if your girlfriend wanted to offer hers up for the greater good, she would already have done so.

How about a little educational porn? Or you may want to drop by your local girl-friendly sex-stuff purveyor, make some popcorn, and call your girlfriend in for movie night. As my mother might say, although not about this, “It couldn’t hurt.”

Which brings us to our next question: will it hurt? Maybe. I mean, it shouldn’t oughtta hurt in an “ow take it out OMG that hurts never do it again” sort of way. If it does, you (collectively) are doing it wrong. But there is a good chance of your encountering, at least in passing, a sensation intense enough to be described as pain. If you don’t like it, don’t do it again.

Here’s the scene: après a bunch of satisfying, preferably sloppy sex, you have had a couple orgasms but are open to the idea of more. You’re much lubed up (I really like silicone for this) and there is plenty more on hand. You relax and lean back against some pillows. She hunkers down there by your knees and slowly, carefully, commences intromission, but from then, you’re moving yourself onto her at least as much as she’s trying to get into you. Stop when you need to, or just to feel what you’re feeling. There’s no point in doing this just to do it, you know?

Put the girly-porn back on and watch carefully. See the way the top is rotating a bit at the wrist? That little twist is what’s going to let her slip in there past the knuckles, under your pubic bone. You’re going to have to do some work then, too, and if it’s going to hurt it’s going to hurt RIGHT THEN. Pause for lube, final push, and she’s in past the hard part and on to the fun, finding a rhythm and a pressure that’s good for you.

Honestly, you’re just going to have to take it from here. It may take time, and you may not even like it. But to even get there at all, remember, think of Mulder (even if Scully is normally more your type): I WANT TO BELIEVE.

Love,

Andrea

Got a question? Email Andrea at andrea@mail.altsexcolumn.com