› tredmond@sfbg.com
It’s gotten to the point where you don’t have to make fun of the president anymore — the rest of the country has gotten so insane that George W. Bush almost looks normal. Just think about 2007:
One presidential candidate said aborted fetuses could have replaced immigrant workers. One said he wanted to be sure to shoot Osama bin Laden with American-made bullets. One said he’d seen a UFO. One said he wanted to deport 400,000 immigrants but was too busy.
A prominent conservative writer said Jewish people need to be "perfected." A bathroom stall in Minneapolis became a tourist attraction.
And Gavin Newsom screwed his secretary, Ed Jew didn’t know where he lived, people ran naked for mayor, Halloween was cancelled … It was, by any standard, a banner year for the Offies.
YES, I SLEPT WITH MY SECRETARY. YES, SHE WAS MARRIED TO MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER. YES, I AM AN ASSHOLE. THE NEWSPAPERS GOT THAT RIGHT.
Gavin Newsom, faced with news of his sordid affair with Ruby Rippey-Tourk, told reporters that "everything you’ve read is true."
SISTERHOOD IS POWERFUL
Jennifer Siebel, Newsom’s girlfriend who said "the woman is the culprit" in the mayor’s notorious affair, posted a message on SFist.com insisting she’s a "gal’s gal."
GOOD ONE, JEN — WAY TO ACCUSE YOUR BOYFRIEND OF DATE RAPE
Siebel said Newsom’s affair with Rippey-Tourk "was nothing but a few incidents when she showed up passed out outside of his door."
THE TRUTH, NEWSOM STYLE
Newsom’s press secretary, Peter Ragone, admitted to posting fake pro-Newsom comments on the SFist blog under a friend’s name.
AND NOW HE CAN CLAIM HE’S REALLY A CELEBRITY
Newsom announced he would go into rehab.
YOU’D THINK A SECRETIVE MAYOR WHOSE PRESS SECRETARY LIES COULD AT LEAST MAKE THE TRAINS RUN ON TIME
The Muni Metro T line opened for business with delays that crashed the entire underground train system.
JEEZ, CAN’T YOU TV PEOPLE FIND A REPORTER WHO WILL STOP ASKING THE MAYOR SO MANY EMBARRASSING QUESTIONS?
Newsom announced on camera that he wasn’t going to talk to ABC’s Dan Noyes anymore, saying, "You just send some other reporters. It’s going to be a lot easier now."
WAIT — ISN’T THERE SOME STATE LAW ABOUT USING YOUR CELL PHONE WHEN YOU’RE DRIVING?
State senator Carole Migden crashed her state-owned SUV into another car in Marin when she took her eyes off the road to answer a cell phone call.
COME TO THINK OF IT, HE DOES HAVE THAT HOLLYWOOD SMILE GOING ON. AND THOSE EYES …
Sup. Chris Daly set off a press furor when he said Newsom was refusing to answer questions about his alleged cocaine use.
THAT’S OK — IT’S HARD TO GET THOSE COSTUMES OFF TO PEE ANYWAY
Newsom’s press office announced that Halloween was cancelled, and the mayor refused until the last minute to allow portable toilets to be set up in the Castro.
CHARITABLE ORGANIZATIONS NEED A LITTLE BRIBERY MONEY TOO
Suspended Sup. Ed Jew, who was charged with accepting $40,000 in cash from a tapioca store chain, insisted he was going to give half the money to a neighborhood parks program.
APPARENTLY, THE MONEY WASN’T THE ONLY THING THAT SMELLED
Jew insisted he lived in a Sunset District house that had no water service and said he showered at his flower store (where reporters were never shown an actual shower).
BY SAN FRANCISCO STANDARDS, HE’S EMINENTLY QUALIFIED FOR PUBLIC OFFICE
Mayoral candidate Grasshopper Alec Kaplan stole Jew’s house numbers, was arrested for playing his guitar naked on top of his purple taxicab, and was sentenced to nine months in jail for threatening a passenger.
AND FRANKLY, IT’S JUST AS WELL THEY GOT HIM OFF THE STREET; NOBODY WANTS TO LOOK AT THAT SHIT
Yoga instructor George Davis was arrested four times while campaigning for mayor in the nude.
UNFORTUNATELY, HE CAME IN FIFTH
Chicken John Rinaldi insisted he was running for second place and considered using the slogan "The other white mayor."
YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT TO HIM: THE GUY CAN PICK HIS ICONS
Paul David Addis was arrested for setting fire to the Burning Man icon four days before it was supposed to be burned, then was later charged with attempting to burn down Grace Cathedral.
POOR JERRY — CAN’T SOMEBODY DONATE SOME MONEY TO HAVE HIM PUT IN A HOME FOR THE TERMINALLY MORONIC?
Jerry Lewis created an imaginary character for his muscular dystrophy telethon called Jesse the illiterate fag.
UNLIKE LUNATIC RIGHT-WING CHRISTIANS, WHO SEEM TO BE DOING JUST FINE
Ann Colbert said that Jews need to be "perfected."
HEY MARTHA, CHECK IT OUT! LET ME POSE FOR A PHOTO! I GOT MY WIDE STANCE ALL READY!
The bathroom stall where Larry Craig was arrested for public sex became a tourist attraction.
AND NOW, THE CELEBRITY NEWS FOR THE SEVEN OR EIGHT PEOPLE WHO STILL ACTUALLY CARE
Britney Spears shaved her head. Paris Hilton went to jail.
THE WORLD JUST GOT A TINY BIT SAFER FOR HUMANITY
Spears’s mother lost her contract for a book on parenting after her 16-year-old daughter Jamie Lynn became pregnant.
NOW IF THE SCALPERS COULD JUST DO A JOB ON THAT WIG
Tickets to the Hannah Montana concert in Oakland were sold for as much as $1,000.
OF COURSE, SHE MAY HAVE SIMPLY BEEN TRYING TO FIT IN THOSE TINY SEATS
Southwest Airlines kicked a woman off a flight for wearing too short a skirt.
WAIT, WE MISSED THE ONE ABOUT FUCKING THINE OWN GENDER. MAYBE HE LEFT IT IN THE TENT
Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee said he would oppose same-sex marriage "until Moses comes down with two stone tablets from Brokeback Mountain saying he’s changed the rules."
WHY EXPLOIT IMMIGRANTS WHEN WE CAN EXPLOIT KIDS OF OUR OWN?
Huckabee announced that if all of the nation’s aborted fetuses had gone to term, the United States wouldn’t need low-cost immigrant labor.
OF COURSE, IF HE’D BEEN GAY OR HAD AN ABORTION, HE WOULD HAVE WOUND UP IN PRISON
Huckabee told Rolling Stone he’d pardoned Keith Richards for a 1975 traffic ticket.
WE LIKE A PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE WHO HAS HIS PRIORITIES STRAIGHT
Former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani said he would have liked to have kicked all 400,000 undocumented immigrants out of the city, but he was too busy fighting crime.
OF MAYBE IT WAS JUST THE VULCANS, COME TO MAKE FIRST CONTACT AND CONVINCE US TO SUPPORT SINGLE-PAYER HEALTH INSURANCE
Rep. Dennis Kucinich said he’d seen a UFO.
WE’D HAPPILY PAY $999 NOT TO HAVE TO KNOW
A Los Angeles company called 23andMe offered to test your DNA for $999 and tell you if you’re related to Marie Antoinette, Jesse James, or Jimmy Buffet.
WITH THE CUBAN HEALTH CARE SYSTEM, HE’LL PROBABLY OUTLIVE US ALL
Police in south Florida were put on alert after blogger Perez Hilton falsely announced the death of Fidel Castro.
KILL THE BASTARDS — BUY AMERICAN
Sen. John McCain told workers at a small-arms factory in New Hampshire he would "follow Osama bin Laden to the gates of hell" and "shoot him with your products."
OF COURSE NOT — THEY’VE ALL BEEN TORTURED, BEATEN, OR STONED TO DEATH
Iran’s president said there are no homosexuals in his country.
BUT THEN, SHE TORTURED US FOR 10 YEARS AS MAYOR
Sen. Dianne Feinstein voted to confirm Michael Mukasey as attorney general even though he refused to say that waterboarding is torture.
IT’S NOT IN YOURS EITHER
President Bush said democracy might not be in the "Russian DNA."
WHEN A SIMPLE "CUNT" OR "PUSSY" JUST ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH
A Florida production of The Vagina Monologues sought to avoid controversy by changing its name to The Hoohaa Monologues.
THE 41ST PRESIDENT STARTS WORKING ON HIS PLACE IN HISTORY
President Bush predicted a "nuclear holocaust" if Iran develops weapons of mass destruction.
QUICK, GIVE ME THE BUTTON BEFORE THE BOSS GETS THAT PROBE OUT OF HIS ASS
Vice President Dick Cheney had executive power for two hours and five minutes while President Bush was under sedation for a colonoscopy.
GREAT MOMENTS IN FOREIGN CINEMA
The European Commission put a video clip on YouTube promoting European films by showing 18 couples having sex with the tagline "Let’s come together."
STANCE IS TOO WIDE … STANCE IS TOO WIDE … MALFUNCTION … DOES NOT COMPUTE …
The mayor of Fort Lauderdale, Fla., suggested the city create a robot toilet to combat gay sex in public bathrooms.
COME ON, YOUR HOLINESS — THEY JUST NEED TO BE "PERFECTED"
Pope Benedict XVI declared that Protestants don’t have real churches and their ministers are all phonies.
PERHAPS THE KID CAN’T GO TO SCHOOL ANYMORE, BUT AT LEAST HE WON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECTED BY ANN COULTER
The Supreme Court ruled that a high school student could be suspended for displaying a sign that read "Bong Hits 4 Jesus."
THE OFFIES, OF COURSE, ARE PRODUCED LOCALLY, AND YOU CAN SEE THE QUALITY CONTROL …
A news Web site in Pasadena outsourced its local reporting to India.
BOOM GOES LONDON, BOOM PAREE
Former senator Mike Gravel announced during a presidential candidates debate that the other Democrats frightened him and asked Barack Obama whom he wanted to nuke.
WELL, AT LEAST WE KNOW WHO THE REPUBLICANS ARE GOING TO NUKE
Sen. McCain changed the lyrics of the Beach Boy’s "Barbara Ann" to "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran."
APPARENTLY, MEMBERS OF THE US SENATE DON’T GET OUT MUCH
Sen. Joe Biden declared Obama is "the first mainstream African American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy."