Ask anybody about education, and anybody will tell you that nothing is more important than education if our nation hopes to succeed in the highly competitive economic universe of the 21st century. But is America keeping up? Many might say no, but they are just behind the times. There are places where progress is already being made, methods are being devised that will give our children the mental and emotional tools they will need to face tomorrow’s realities. So don’t despair. Today it is our good fortune to have at hand a representative transcription of a recent elementary school class:
All right, students, pay attention now. As you know, we are on the cutting edge of reform in this school, and today we’re going to try something brand new that our principal informs me is bound to revolutionize primary education. Instead of more of that tiresome reading and writing, we are going to play a learning game called the Republican Budget. It was developed by some people known as the Heritage Foundation and is marketed by a sales representative named Paul Ryan.
I know you kids are too young to care about that last part but the School Board tells me if I don’t mention them by name they’ll charge us more for the game.
Anyway, it takes a really big class to play this game and luckily because of the cuts in government money for education we have a really big class.
That doesn’t mean I can’t see you back there. Just be still.
Now, the first thing we have to do is divide you into three groups. You see this big jar of marbles? The marbles represent wealth, and in order to start playing we have to have some people who own most of the wealth. That would be you, Tarquin and Bootsie.
No, just Tarquin and Bootsie. They get to sit in the front of the room and guard their wealth.
Next we have what they call the Middle Class. We’ll start with you, Lance, and then take the rest of the row. That should be enough.
Don’t even think about it, Jesus. That goes for you, too, Consuelo. Stay right where you are.
The Middle Class gets this much smaller jar of marbles, and they sit here, between Tarquin and Bootsie and the rest of you.
The rest of you now represent Everybody Else. If you want to, for fun you can dress up as farmers and nurses and even teachers, but it really doesn’t matter to the game. You’re still just Everybody Else. Everybody Else gets one marble each.
Everybody Else can now scatter around the room.
You have a question, DeShawn? Oh, you want to stay with Tashika.
That’s fine. You don’t have to, there’s no rule about it, but you can if you like. It will make it easier to find you.
Why would we want to find you? Never mind.
Now to start the game, the members of the Middle Class roll some of their marbles down the floor towards Everybody Else, and you children down at that end try to catch some of those marbles without losing the one you already have.
(The sound of rolling marbles.)
The good part is that anybody who accumulates five marbles gets to move into the Middle Class.
(The sound of rolling marbles and the excited cries of children.)
Oh, isn’t this cute? Michael and Myra have organized a little group to help one another accumulate marbles. Sorry, kids, but that’s a big no-no. No organizing.
(A muttered protest, and the sound of rolling marbles.)
The bad part, for some of you, is that whenever a member of Everybody Else moves into the Middle Class, anybody who only has one marble has to give that marble to Tarquin and Bootsie and start over with nothing.
Sorry, that’s how it works. I don’t make the rules, I just administer them.
(The sound of rolling marbles and the anguished cries of children.)
What’s that, Joanie? You don’t think this is any fun and don’t see why you should bother to catch any marbles at all? I’ll tell you why you want to catch marbles. Because if you don’t have any marbles you won’t get a snack when break-time comes. And if you don’t have any marbles and you have an owie, you won’t get a Bandaid.
Nobody’s going to kiss it and make it well, either. That went out with pensions.
(The sound of rolling marbles and weeping children.)
One thing, though. I’ve read these rules very carefully and I have to give the inventors of this game credit. They have been very scrupulous about preserving your Second Amendment rights. The Second Amendment is very important to them and their supporters.
What’s the Second Amendment? Let’s just say that because of the Second Amendment all you kids who are Everybody Else can add a new element to the game tomorrow.
What’s that?
Bring slingshots.
Jess Brownell is a freelance writer living in Milwaukee.