sex

Join the Orchid and Hound fan club

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I hate to be objectifying, but journalistic integrity be damned- Orchid and Hound are damn good looking. The queer pop duo, comprised of satyr-esque John Constantine and the coyly shaggy Lawrence Alarcon, were also charming and beautifully turned out when I met them for drinks the other night- and, of course, they are brilliant onstage. Their upcoming show at The Blue Macaw (Thur/11) promises to look a lot like what would happen if High School Musical came out of the closet, hired a better stylist and started partying. So you’re going to have to excuse me if the following article starts to sound like Tiger Beat at times. I’m a little smitten, so shoot me.

This is what you will see at an Orchid and Hound show. Lawrence Alarcon will bang out lovely up and down tunes on his piano, while John Constantine provides jazzy vocals that ease over here to a sound reminiscent of Broadway, then smooth down there to recall a smoky lounge somewhere in Vegas. They’ve dubbed it “queer pop”- a highly listenable, intimate little cabaret. “We like to think of ‘queer’ as ‘different,’ like melodrama,” says Constantine of their sound.

But you’re not going to hear the typical “where ya from” one liners and “waitress, get me another drink” admonitions at O & H shows- you know, the typical lounge standards. “I suck at banter,” says Constantine. “He rambles,” offers Alarcon. Perhaps it’s for the best- the pared down nature of Orchid and Hound makes it a little easier to focus on, you know, the music. “It’s just a show where you shut up and listen,” Constantine says (“ideally,” adds Alcarcon).

The sound the two put out is lighthearted, the piano rhythms and Constantine’s voice bouncy, even. But their lyrics are expressions of a life as a pretty 23 year old in the Castro- a life can prove more complicated upon closer inspection. “I find inspiration in the dialogues I have with the people around me,” says Alarcon, who penned one song for O & H born of a conversation he had with his boyfriend about nothing less than the end of the world. “We were talking about the Mayan prophecies for 2012, but my boyfriend’s a scientist. He was more concerned about 2013, when the oil crisis is set to hit.” Alarcon turns to Constantine, pondering the difference between their songwriting styles, finally hitting on the pith of the issue. “John’s more angsty, more metaphorical.” Ooo… angsty!

“I like to sing about the human condition,” says Constantine, picking up Alaron’s musings. One of John’s songs, ‘Sabotage,’ is a catchy dirge that hinges on a theme familiar to most dashing rock stars; self destruction. “[‘Sabotage’] is about that daily battle you have with the destructive side of yourself, that you live with but must control,” says Constantine, toying earnestly with the stem of his cocktail. To date, their audience favorite is “The Drinking Song”, a depraved little interactive ditty whose success amuses Alarcon. “Who knew our most disturbing song would turn out to be our most popular?” 

“Who knew our most disturbing song would turn out to be our most popular?” Photo by Erik Anderson

So back to our bar date (because that’s what I’m calling it, so there!) The two have a knack for finishing each other’s sentences, and where Lawrence can be artistically reticent, John is more than happy to tell me about the origin of O&H. Herein lies the duo’s sychronicity; they’ve known each other “since forever,” growing up best friends at an arts high school in Los Angeles. John and Lawrence even dated each other for three years, during which they moved up to SF into a shared apartment- where they live to this day, despite having subsequently broken up, moved on… and formed a band. When asked how this is earthly possible, they smile sweetly at each other as though nothing could have been easier. “It was rough, but we’re much more productive now- minus the sex,” says Constantine. “We would have killed each other if we’d kept dating.”

Though the two first collaborated on musical compositions for an installation artist in LA, John and Lawrence only just formed their current act last year. They can still tell you how many live shows they’ve had; a sprightly “twelve!”- blurted out in unison, of course. “We don’t fuck up that much though,” says Constantine with a winning smile. “The one time we noticeably fucked up, someone told me ‘it was cute when you fucked up,’ so I guess that’s good.” 

So what does 2010 hold for these darlings, who are still unsigned to a label as of press time? Well, besides the trail of broken hearts and rehearsal hours they’re working on a studio album and recently announced their gig at this year’s South by Southwest festival. And then? Says Constantine “We’ve planted a lot of seeds, we just have to water them all.” Somebody hand these boys a hose- the world hearts Orchid and Hound.

 

Orchid and Hound w/ Audrey Ryan & Il Gato

Thur/11 8 p.m., $5

The Blue Macaw

2565 Mission, SF

(415) 920-0577

www.thebluemacawsf.com

The Sexy Professor speaks at City Lights

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Literary critic, Stanford professor, and sexy-brainy scholar Terry Castle will be speaking at City Lights Books on Tuesday, Feb. 9, about The Professor and Other Writings, a series of meditations on topics ranging from Art Pepper to the Polermo catacombs to Susan Sontag. When read together, the essays coalesce into a singular, fearless new memoir.

Castle has produced an incredible body of literary criticism and, in her work, she often explores the complicated relationship between literature and sex. Books like The Apparitional Lesbian and The Literature of Lesbianism examine depictions of love between women in the Western literatary canon. Boss Ladies, Watch Out: Essays on Women, Sex, and Writing investigates female sexuality in works by famous women writers.

But don’t let the lit theory put you off. Even those allegedly allergic to theory will enjoy the candid, intelligent essays in Castle’s latest work. Her intellectual gifts are obvious — even her informal pieces have the pleasing effect of making their reader feel smarter — but Castle remains accessible to a wide audience. In fact, her writing seems targeted at those who exist on the outskirts, or even outside, of the literary cognoscenti. Castle makes no secret of her distaste for the “preening and plumage display” of current day literary criticism, or what she calls “jargon-ridden pseudo-writing,” and her informal pepperings of middle- and low-brow references throughout The Professor add to Castle’s likableness. None of my college professors would ever (admittedly) discuss the “hotitude” of famous Hollywood stars; neither would they (admittedly) jam out to bass-bomping hip hop on their iPods.

The Professor is marketed as a memoir, but it reads more like a collection of prose pieces, each distinguished by their own specific ideas and themes. Though a touch gossipy, “Desperately Seeking Susan,” about Castle’s prickly friendship with Susan Sontag, is a delightful read. Near the essay’s end, the two women attend a dinner party at Marina Abromovic’s apartment also attended by (if this tells you anything) Lou Reed, Laurie Anderson, and the “freaking-looking” singer from Fischerspooner. The disaster that ensues is a finely-rendered comedy of manners, equal parts hilarious and grim.

Castle’s “Que Modo Deum,” a collage posted on her blog

Castle touches on the work of jazz saxophonist Art Pepper, whose underrated genius is vaunted by jazz enthusiasts, in “My Heroin Christmas”. In “Travels With My Mom“, a short travelogue which can be read online, the author’s relationship with her mother is illuminated in a series of seemingly innocuous glimpses. The title-essay, “The Professor,” which was my favorite, is a searing reflection on sexual discovery, and details the romantic entanglements of Castle’s own college days, the most significant one being her relationship with a troubled female professor that arrives full circle, many years later, in a chance meeting that I refuse to spoil for you here.

The essays in this fine collection are personal to their author, but their focus is outwardly directed. They observe and describe, in rich personal detail, other things and other people. They are not a periscope view into Castle’s human psyche, lesbian psyche, or any psyche for that matter. Castle is far too tasteful to go there. In The Professor there is no hint of the solipsistic introspection or blubbering confessionalism that has gives bad name to the memoir form. Castle is generous with personal anecdotes, opinions, and history, but her subjective experiences are used to shed light on ideas that remain, while important to the author, wholly independent of any one person’s life. I enjoyed this collection immensely. 

Terry Castle
Tue/9, 7:30pm, free

City Lights Book Store

261 Columbus Ave. (at Broadway)

(415) 362-8193

www.citylights.com

The Professor and Other Writings
By Terry Castle
352 pages. HarperCollins.
$25.95

Hot sex events this week: Feb 3-9

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Compiled by Molly Freedenberg

sexevents020310.jpg

Remember late Juliet Anderson, the adult film star and producer known for starting her career at age 39 and appearing in more than 70 films during the “golden age of porn” this Saturday.

————-

>> Hubba Hubba Revue stage-play
It’s so meta! Hubba Hubba presents a scripted play about staging a burlesque show, starring Wiggy Darlington, Sid Scenic, Bunny Pistol, McPuzo & Trotsky, Pin Key Lee, Miss Information, Zip the What-Is-It, and Kingfish and Eddie.

Thurs/4, 7pm
$15.50
Cobbs Comedy Club
915 Columbus, SF
www. hubbahubbarevue.com

————-

>> Juliet Anderson Memorial Gathering for Friends and Fans
Celebrate the late sex goddess known as Aunt Peg, who entered the adult industry during its Golden Age. The event will feature a clipshow with images of Anderson and a chance to bring written memories about her.

Thurs/4, 7pm
Free
Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF
www.sexandculture.org

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XXX-rated bondage dinner
Every first Friday, supperclub hosts this nicely naughty party with Stormy Leather and sexploration with Monika.

Fri/5, 7pm
$65
Supperclub
657 Harrison, SF
(415) 348-0900
www.supperclub.com

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>> Red Hots Burlesque

Dottie Lux’s seductive, spicy, absurd, and amusing weekly burlesque show features Alotta Boutte, Isis Starr, Nikki Sparx, Dottie Lux, La Rena Rose, and Lindsey B. Jones.

Fri/5, 7:30pm
$5-$10
El Rio
3158 Mission, SF
www.redhotsburlesque.com

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>> Pre-Code Follies
Film curator Paul Etcheverry presents hidden film clips Includeing Zazu Pitts, Betty Boop shorts, and Busby Berkeley, while burlesque star Kitten on the Keys plays naughty tunes from the ’20s and ’30s.

Fri/4, 8:30pm
$10-$12
Niles Essanay Silent Film Museum
37417 Niles Boulevard, Fremont

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>> Nasty
Attend this filthy fun-raiser for the AIDS Emergency Fund, featuring a battle for the nasty girl between Cooper the Trick and Cooper the Boyfriend in a real, raw wrestling match.

Fri/5, 10pm
$5
Powerhouse
1347 Folsom, SF
(415) 552-8689
www.powerhouse-sf.com

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>> First Friday Follies
Celebrate two years of this monthly burlesque show with emcee Maragaret France, Vera DeVille, Cupcake, Little Eyeful, the Bombshells, and more.

Fri/4, 9:30pm
Free
Stork Club
2330 Telegraph, Oakl
www.myspace.com/firstfridayfollies

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>> Pussy Boxes
Join this special artmaking workshop with jeweler and assemblage artist Ruby Pearl, who’s known for her pussy boxes and altered Barbies.

Sat/6, 12-4pm
$25-$50
Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF
www.sexandculture.org

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>> Burlesque n’ Brass
The Hot Pink Feathers perform at this monthly musical event.

Sat/6, 8:30pm
$10
Café Van Kleef
1621 Telegraph, Oakl
blueboneexpress.com

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>> ”Pin me up, Pin me Down” artist discussion panel
Femina Potens kicks off a month devoted to the art of the pin-up with an opening reception featuring a special burlesque performance by FellaFem and Debauchery.

 

Sat/6, 6pm
Free
Femina Potens
2199 Market, SF
www.feminapotens.org

————-

>> Kentucky Fried Woman Show: Rock of Love
Hear the best of rock and roll and see the best of Bay Area brulesque, Includeing Dottie Lux, Rusty Hips, Kitty von Quim, and Delicio del Toro.

Sat/6, 8:30pm
$10
Velvet
3411 MacArthur Blvd, Oakl

————-

>> Ask our Doc: The G-Spot
Fact or fiction? Find out with Doctor Carol Queen, PhD, who confirms the existence of the special spot and tells you how to find and enjoy it.

 

Sun/7, 6pm
Free
Good Vibrations Berkeley
2504 San Pablo Ave, Berk
(510) 841-0171
events.goodvibes.com

————-

>> ”How to Paint a Pin-Up”
Learn a bit of art from an artist’s perspective in this workshop with Nancy Peach.

Sun/7, 2-5pm
$20
Femina Potens
2199 Market, SF
www.feminapotens.org

————-

>> Uptown Hubba Hubba
Kiss Me Kate, Eva Valentine, Monifa, Pin Key Lee, and Vivi Ennui star in this week’s installment of Hubba’s Oakland show.

 

Mon/8, 10:15pm
$5
Uptown
1928 Telegraph, Oakl
www.hubbahubbarevue.com

————-

>> Intro to Lap Dancing with Slinky Productions
Learn the art of sensual teasing and erotic fun without gettingg out of your chair. This women-only workshop with Catherine Rose will give you the skills you need to start your own slinky dance.

Mon/8, 8pm
$25-$30
Good Vibrations Berkeley
2504 San Pablo Ave, Berk
www. goodvibes.com

————-

>> Intro to Red Tantra
Bast, director of Dakini Temple, will get you started in this introductory, non-explicit workshop on the artful, conscious practice of red tantra.
Tues/9, 8-10pm
$45-$50
Good Vibrations Polk
1620 Polk, SF
www. goodvibes.com

————-

 

Trash Lit: Things are weird around ‘Mariposa’

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Editor’s note: Guardian Executive Editor Tim Redmond has a bad 30-year addiction to mystery/crime/thriller books. He’s decided that he may as well put this terrible habit to productive use by writing about these sometimes awful, sometimes entertaining and — on rare occasion — significant works of mass-market literature. Read his last installment here

mariposa.jpg

Mariposa
By Greg Bear
(Vanguard Press, 340 pages, $25.95)

By Tim Redmond

Good science fiction has a moral, of sorts. Frank Herbert wrote about the scary power of a charismatic leader. Robert Heinlein gave us the fun of free love and the lie of religion. William Gibson outlined the weird dangers of a digital society. My favorite sci-fi movie ever, RoboCop (1987), was all about the perils of privatizing public services.

Mariposa is part science fiction and part action thriller, and the mix works. I liked this book a lot – it’s got creepy tech advances — digital storage devices that dissolve in your blood; tattoos that allow you to exchange information by skin-to-skin contact; monitoring chips that follow your every move; roller bots; a new drug that makes you a near-legendary fighter and totally fucks up your brain – as well as a message that’s eerily relevant.

Mariposa‘s opening is bizarre. The first chapter seduces you in a way that reminds me of Neuromancer. It’s the second decade of the 21st century. Oil prices have collapsed, destabilizing much of the Middle East. The United States is $30 trillion in debt and the president has had to accept IMF-style international receivership. “And it’s all our fault,” one character notes. “We do hate paying taxes, and we do love our government services.”

And the news media? “The dwindling national press – those journalists who still worked for networks or newspapers or the five prime news sites and could afford to travel rather than just sit in front of a screen and suck coffee and pontificate on what others saw and wrote – was as worn out and discouraged as the rest of the nation.”

Most of Texas is no longer under effective federal control. The FBI is in the process of being dismantled.The real, emerging power in the nation, and perhaps soon the world, is the head of a giant private security company that got rich off military contracts. In fact, he’s trying to prove how powerful he is by orchestrating the death sentence of a 15-year-old kid who has the misfortune to be the son of a federal agent.

Into this nightmare step a handful of still-loyal FBI operatives working directly for the dying president, who has been shot with a bullet laced with deadly engineered proteins. They’re trying to rescue a deep cover agent planted in the Talos Corporation — someone who is trying to sneak the explosive data in the company’s files out of a tightly controlled compound. They’re also out to save the 15-year-old’s life before the Texas corrections system, which pretty much reports to Talos, gets to stick him with a lethal injection.

Syntobe proteins that turn Coca Cola syrup into bombs. Desert car chase with hellfire missiles in drone planes. Robot snakes retrieving blood laced with digital downloads. Slightly lame FBI sex. Wicked drug-addled martial arts fighting. A hero who fights off powerful sedatives to take out six guys with a pole ax. I have to say: This one goes down as one of the best action books of the last year.

This Week’s Picks

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WEDNESDAY (3rd)

 

FILM

SF Ocean Film Festival

The City by the Bay has a long history of film festivals. But it wasn’t until 2004 that one concentrated on this area’s oceanographic connections. Hosting more than 50 films, the San Francisco Ocean Film Festival has documentaries on marine life and environmental science, surfing videos, experimental and animated productions, and more. Crowd favorites include a program dedicated to sharks and a chance to meet the filmmakers who work among the denizens of the deep at an Aquarium of the Bay fundraiser. (Sean McCourt)

Various times (Sun/7), $8–$12

(filmmakers reception, $60; festival and VIP passes, $85–$175)

Theatre 39 and Aquarium of the Bay

Embarcadero and Beach, SF.

(415) 561-6251

www.oceanfilmfest.org

DANCE

Shantala Shivalingappa

Rarely seen in the Bay Area, Kuchipudi is one of the great classical Indian dance forms. Taking its name from the village in which it was “born” in the 15th century, it’s related to Bharatanatyam but is more theatrical, using fast and often airborne footwork. Shantala Shivalingappa is a Madras-born, Paris-raised dancer who has worked with Maurice Bejart, Peter Brook, and Pina Bausch. Her piece Gamakaone definition of which refers to Indian music’s shimmering quality — is a solo that Shivalingappa developed with her four musicians. One hopes it includes a part in which the Kuchipudi dancer performs on the rims of a brass plate. (Rita Felciano)

8 p.m, $27–$39

Herbst Theatre

401 Van Ness, SF

(415) 392-2545

www.performances.org

MUSIC

Doug Carn and Black Jazz Reunion

In the early 1970s, pianist Gene Russell founded Black Jazz Records in Oakland. Branching away from traditional jazz, the label was inspired by African-American political and spiritual movements taking place at the time. One of its most successful acts was pianist and composer Doug Carn. Better known as half of the duo Doug and Jeane Carn, he has sold more records than Dave Brubeck and Ramsey Lewis. Introduced to music at a young age by his mother and an uncle, Carn has studied piano, alto sax, and also oboe. His adaptations of Coltrane’s classic “A Love Supreme” and Horace Silver’s “Peace” are creative and lyrical. (Lilan Kane)

8 and 10 p.m, $10–$18

Yoshi’s

510 Embarcadero West, Oakl.

(510) 238-9200

www.yoshis.com

THURSDAY (4th)

 

DANCE/PERFORMANCE

Luxury Items

Monique Jenkinson, a.k.a. Fauxnique, is a master of lipsync. But I’m excited to hear what she has to say in her new show. In between the bravura dynamic dance moments of Faux Real, Jenkinson made her past into present-time conversation with the audience, and did so with offhand ease. This time, she’s digging into cultural obsessions. I’ve heard that Luxury Items includes a eulogy for newspapers — from the perspective of a hoarder. (Johnny Ray Huston)

8 p.m. (through Feb 21), $10–$20

CounterPULSE

1310 Mission, SF

(415) 863-9834

www.odcdance.org

TALK/LECTURE

“After Dark: Sexplorations — Exploring Nature’s Reproductive Strategies “

Throw the word sex in front of any event title and folks will flock. So maybe the people at the Exploratorium are on to something with the latest installment of its “After Dark” lecture series. For one night, anyone old enough to legally down a good old glass of hooch can learn why Viagra only works for men, whether it’s possible to orgasm with just your thoughts, and how sex toys do their magic. Think of it as the sex ed class you always wanted to take but never did. Mary Roach, author of Bonk, will be on hand to pass on some expertise. (Elise-Marie Brown)

6 p.m., $15 (free for members)

McBean Theater

Exploratorium

3601 Lyon, SF

(415) 561-0363

www.exploratorium.edu

FILM

Sacred Places

Let those critics who would universalize their disillusionment (however well-founded) into “death of cinema” bromides see Jean-Marie Téno’s marvelous essay-film Sacred Places. A few minutes observing Nanema Boubacar’s neighborhood cine-club, located in a poor district of Ouagadougou, and they might let up. Like Agnès Varda, Téno prefers pondering large questions on the move. Here, he reexamines the founding principles of African cinema in a split-portrait of Boubacar, a struggling entrepreneur (in Burkina Faso, too, it’s more difficult to procure African titles than the latest Hollywood blockbuster), and Jules Cesar Bamouni, a djembe maker who draws the same links between filmmaking and the griot tradition that were so important to Ousmane Sembène. (Max Goldberg)

7 p.m., $9.50

Pacific Film Archive

2575 Bancroft, Berk.

(510) 642-1412

www.bampfa.berkeley.edu

FILM

Movie Night at SFO

Like most people in the Bay Area, I’ve only gone to San Francisco International Airport to pick someone up or fly away (usually to a warmer destination). Basically I go there to handle business, maybe grab a bite, and leave. But now this aviation destination is giving a reason to visit sans luggage — free movie nights.Tonight SFO screens The Legend of Pancho Barnes and the Happy Bottom Riding Club. The 2009 documentary delves into the work of Florence “Pancho” Barnes, Hollywood’s first female stunt pilot. Writer-producer Nick Spark and director Amanda Pope will be on hand. (Brown)

6 p.m., free

SFO Aviation Museum

SFO, International Terminal, Level 3

(650) 821-9911

www.flysfo.com/web/page/orphan/movie

DANCE

Ronald K. Brown/Evidence

Nick Cave is back. Sort of. If you missed Ronald K. Brown’s response to Cave’s mysterious masked figures last year, here is another opportunity. The work, now called Journey, opens this remarkable dancer’s return engagement. Brown’s work thrives on an underground stream of spirituality. He started his Evidence company at 19, and his voice and his polyglot dance vocabulary have only become more personal and burnished. Brown is very much a 21st century artist. New on this program will be the all-male 2008 Two-Year Old Gentlemen, which explores the relationships that men develop with each other. The gorgeous 1999 piece Grace has a good chance to become Evidence’s Revelations. (Felciano)

8 p.m. (through Sat/6), $30

Novellus Theater

Yerba Buena Center for the Arts

701 Mission, SF

(415) 392-2545

www.ybca.org

THEATER

Fabrik: The Legend of M. Rabinowitz

Jim Henson made a mark with his lighthearted use of puppets, or should I say Muppets. But Wakka Wakka Productions, a visual theater company from New York City, is a far cry from Kermit the Frog. Instead of presenting mirthful sketches, this nonprofit uses hand-and-rod puppets to unfold dark tales of valor and resilience. Inspired by Yiddish and Nordic folktales, Fabrik tells the story of Moritz Rabinowitz, a Polish Jew who publicly voiced his opposition to anti-Semitism during the rise of Nazi Germany. (Brown)

8 p.m. (through Sun/28), $20–$34 (pay-what-you-can Thurs/4)

The Jewish Theatre San Francisco

470 Florida, SF

(415) 292-1233

www.tjt-sf.org

FRIDAY (5th)

 

EVENT

San Francisco Beer Week

The Bay Area is a treasure trove of microbreweries and their thirsty followers — a perfect combination for San Francisco Beer Week, which, despite its city-centric name, hosts events throughout the greater Bay Area, including a variety of tastings, food pairings, meet-and-greets with brewers, and live entertainment. The festival kicks off with an opening gala at Yerba Buena Center for the Arts. Over the next 10 days, breweries including 21st Amendment, Beach Chalet, Speakeasy, Seabright, Santa Cruz Mountain, Anchor, and Thirsty Bear share their best suds. (McCourt)

5–9 p.m. opening gala, $55–$65

Various locations (through Feb. 14), prices vary

www.sfbeerweek.org

EVENT

Wonderland: A Tim Burton Ball

If only I could live in Tim Burton’s world, with misfit heroes and a Danny Elfman soundtrack. I’d cast Winona Ryder as my best friend, Helena Bonham-Carter as my kooky artistic mentor, and Johnny Depp as … well, you know. I’d be darkly beautiful and I’d dance beneath ice sculpture snow. Too bad movies aren’t reality. Nonetheless, Brian Gardner — founder of Swing Goth and lover of all things modern and macabre — is doing his best to close that gap. This week he hosts an ambitious event dedicated to Burton, just in time for the media blitz that’s about to have everyone saying Alice rather than Avatar. (Molly Freedenberg)

9:30 p.m. $15–$20 ($5 extra for pre-event dance class at 7:30 p.m.)

DNA Lounge

375 11th St, SF.

(415) 626-1409

www.dnalounge.com

MUSIC

Irma Thomas and the Professionals

Do you know what it means to be the Soul Queen of New Orleans? Big Easy native Irma Thomas has been pouring her heart into the soul circuit for the past five decades. She celebrates this half-century anniversary with the Rounder Records release The Soul Queen of New Orleans: 50th Anniversary Celebration. People love and know Thomas for tunes, but she also opened her own club, Lion’s Den, in the 1980s. She headlined frequently there until Hurricane Katrina brought disaster. In 2007, Thomas’s After The Rain (Rounder/UMGD) brought her first Grammy. (Kane)

8 and 10 p.m. (also Sat 2/6), $30

Yoshi’s

1330 Fillmore, SF

(415) 655-5600

www.yoshis.com

VISUAL ART

“Article X”

The starting point for the artworks in this show is not the X, but the X’s center: that crucial yet vapid intersection where form meets function. It is here that photographer David Trautrimas and sculptural artist Kristina Lewis originate with the ordinary: household kitchen appliances and high heels, respectively. Lewis’ reassembled high heel sculptures, which hint at sculptural artist Brian Jungen’s series of Nike Air Jordans-turned-aboriginal masks, tease and fray the ends of X. (Spencer Young)

5–8 p.m. (continues through March 20), free

Johansson Projects

2300 Telegraph, Oakl.

(510) 444-9140

www.johanssonprojects.net

SATURDAY (6th)

 

MUSIC

Dawes

In recording his group Dawes’ debut album North Hills (Ato Records/Red), Taylor Goldsmith said that he wanted the inherent quality of the instruments to come across. Perhaps the greatest instrument Dawes has is Goldsmith’s voice, which is infused with a soulful timbre. Influenced by Otis Redding and James Brown, Dawes produces a warm country rock that incorporates tight drumming from Goldsmith’s younger brother Griffin. The sound feels initially familiar, and carries a hint of early 1970s Creedence. But with personal lyrics and a lush mix of instrumentation, Dawes manages to pull in the listener. Which is good for everyone. (Adam Lesser)

With Cory Chisel and Wandering Sons, Jason Boesel

9 p.m., $12

Rickshaw Stop

155 Fell, SF

(415) 861-2011

www.rickshawstop.com

MUSIC

Broun Fellinis play Zeppelin

Broun Fellinis has been bending genres, defying categorization, and blazing artistic trails since their foundation in 1991. Deeply embedded within the creative landscape of our fair city, this righteous jazz trio is known for conjuring acoustic spaces that transcend genre. My question is, what will it do with Led Zeppelin? When you match Zeppelin’s brand of distinctive debauchery in the musical realm with the imaginative hands of Professor Boris Karnaz, Black Edgar Kenyatta, and Kirk the Redeemer, the result can only be good, maybe great, if not historic. What? You don’t like cool stuff? Sure you do. You should go. (D. Scot Miller)

10 p.m., $10

Coda Jazz Supper Club

1710 Mission St, SF

(415) 551-CODA

www.codalive.com

MONDAY (8th)

 

MUSIC/EVENT

Marcus Books’ 50th Anniversary Fundraiser

Literacy is a gift most take for granted. It allows you read about this event right now. You can help other people learn how to read by attending this fundraiser, a music and literature showcase that benefits Marcus Books’ Scholar Book Club nonprofit literacy program. The evening’s host, spoken word artist Scorpio Blues, has been featured on BET, on HBO’s Def Poetry, and is also the CEO of Hot Water Cornbread, a spoken word and entertainment management company in Oakland. Her group the Hot Water Cornbread All Star Poets performs as well. (Kane)

With Blayze, Pop Lyfe, HWCB Poets

8 p.m., $15–$20

Yoshi’s

1330 Fillmore at Eddy, SF

(415) 655-5600

www.marcusbookstores.com

www.yoshis.com

MUSIC

St. Vincent

St. Vincent’s Jane-of-all-trades Annie Clark cut her teeth playing with the Polyphonic Spree and Sufjan Stevens, so there is no doubt she has the experience to deliver a live show worthy of her sophomore album Actor (4AD). Tender and tough, Clark may appear to draw from the singer-songwriter well, but dashes of menace and complexity separate her intricate pop songs from run-of-the-mill balladry. Considering Actor was written and recorded by Clark using GarageBand, here’s your chance to enjoy the lush tunes with a full ensemble. (Peter Galvin)

With Wildbirds and Peacedrums

8 p.m., (doors: 7 p.m.), $20

Great American Music Hall

859 O’Farrell, SF

(415) 885-0750

www.gamh.com

The Guardian listings deadline is two weeks prior to our Wednesday publication date. To submit an item for consideration, please include the title of the event, a brief description of the event, date and time, venue name, street address (listing cross streets only isn’t sufficient), city, telephone number readers can call for more information, telephone number for media, and admission costs. Send information to Listings, the Guardian Building, 135 Mississippi St., SF, CA 94107; fax to (415) 487-2506; or e-mail (paste press release into e-mail body — no text attachments, please) to listings@sfbg.com. We cannot guarantee the return of photos, but enclosing an SASE helps. Digital photos may be submitted in jpeg format; the image must be at least 240 dpi and four inches by six inches in size. We regret we cannot accept listings over the phone.

Events

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Events listings are compiled by Paula Connelly. Submit items for the listings at listings@sfbg.com.

WEDNESDAY 3

BAY AREA

Venezuelan Revolution Humanist Hall, 390 27th St., Oak.; (510) 681-8699. 7:30pm, free. Attend this screening of the film The Revolution Will Not Be Televised, a documentary that captured the military coup in Venezuela in 2002, followed by a discussion with Laurie Tanenbaum and Nick Wechsler, who recently traveled to Venezuela with Global Exchange.

THURSDAY 4

Art of Activism Sundance Kabuki Cinema, 1881 Post, SF; www.redfordcenter.org. 7pm, $20. Celebrate the work of individuals who have a significant impact on people’s lives at this inaugural presentation from the Redford Center, an organization dedicated to finding creative solutions for social and environmental challenges.

Sexplorations Exploratorium, 3601 Lyon, SF; (415) 561-0360. 6pm, $15. Let’s talk about sex at this installment of the Exploratorium’s After Dark series at this talk titled “Sexplorations: Exploring nature’s reproductive strategies.” Author Mary Roach will lead the discussion on the ways in which Nature is both conservative and creative in pursuit of procreation.

Sky Train Modern Times Books, 888 Valencia, SF; (415) 282-9246. 7pm, free. Hear writer and activist Canyon Sam discuss her 2007 trip through the Himalayas as she collected stories from women profiling their resistance, courage, and spiritual resilience through fifty years of Chinese occupation.

FRIDAY 5

Arts of Pacific Asia Festival Pavilion, Fort Mason Center, SF; www.caskeylees.com. Fri- Sat 11am-7pm, Sun 11am-5pm; $15. Check out this 24th annual San Francisco Tribal and Textile Art show and see more than 10,000 antiques, textiles and art from Pacific Asia that span more than 2,000 years of Asian arts, culture and history.

Carnaval Celebration deYoung Museum, 50 Hagiwara Tea Garden Drive, Golden Gate Park, SF; (415) 750-3600. 5:30pm; free, does not include museum admission. Precita Eyes will be joining up with the deYoung every month to celebrate the Mission district arts community, starting with this tribute to Carnaval in San Francisco featuring art, artists, writers, performances, and more.

Pinball Art Pacific Pinball Museum, 1510 Webster, Alameda; pacificpinball.org. 2pm, $15. Play with a historic collection of 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s woodrails, in addition to some modern day pinball machines, at this opening of the “Pinball Fine Art” exhibit. Admission includes museum, machine play, finger food, and more.

SATURDAY 6

Crissy Field Center Crissy Field Center, 1199 East Beach Drive, SF; (415) 561-7752. 11am, free. Attend the opening of the Crissy Field Center’s new eco friendly community building, which includes an Urban Ecology lab and a Sustainable Arts workshop. The event will feature live and DJ music, tours, games, and more.

I Heart My Valentine Madrone Art Bar, 500 Divisadero, SF; (415) 241-0202. 2pm, free. Find the perfect handmade gift for your loved ones at this craft sale featuring locally designed fine art, jewelry, and more.

MAPP Red Poppy Art House, 2698 Folsom, SF; (415) 826-2402. Also at various locations in the Mission District, go to Red Poppy Art House for a map; www.sfmapp.com. 7pm, free. Enjoy art exhibits, music, poetry, dance, and film at this on-going collaboration with community organizers and local residents, which places art and performance on the street level through the use alternative spaces to manifest a non-centralized intercultural arts happening.

BAY AREA

Amy Bloom Diesel, A Bookstore, 5433 College, Oak.; (510) 653-9965. 3pm, free. Hear author Amy Bloom discuss her new collection of short stories, When the God of Love Hangs Out, followed by a book signing.

Festival of Women Authors H’s Lordships, 199 Seawall, Berk.; (510) 848-6370. 9am, $70. Enjoy a full day of literary entertainment with fellow book lovers and writers with featured accomplished authors Bonnie Tsui, Michelle Richmond, Dana Whitaker, and Vivienne Sosnowski.

SUNDAY 7

Love of Chocolate Ride Meet at Panhandle Statue, Fell and Baker, SF; www.sfbike.org. 11:30am, free. Hang out with some other cocoa crazy cyclists for an afternoon of learning about, eating, and even drinking chocolate in honor of Valentine’s Day. Bring cash for chocolate purchases. Rain cancels.

MONDAY 8

Lesbian Health 101 Lange Room, UCSF Parnassus Campus Library, 530 Parnassus, SF; (415) 476-2334. 2pm, free. Attend this symposium and reception for the release of the first lesbian textbook ever published, featuring chapter authors, leading lesbian researchers, and clinicians sharing their expertise.

“Thinking Outside the Doc Box” Mezzanine, 444 Jessie, SF; sffs.org. 7:30pm, $8. Hear industry professionals dismantle the myth that only character-driven documentaries receive broadcast funding at this featuring clips from inventive non-narrative documentaries and representatives from the industry discussing ideas and techniques.

TUESDAY 9

Rediscovering Literary Genius 111 Minna, 111 Minna, SF; (415) 512-8812. 12:30pm, free. At this Lit and Lunch event presented by the Center for the Art of Translation, hear award winning translator Susan Bernofsky discuss the work of Robert Walser, who is only now being hailed as a literary genius in the United States even thought his work is almost a century old.

Referendum on the Jewish Deli Saul’s Restaurant & Delicatessen, 1475 Shattuck, Berk.; (510) 848-3354. 6pm, $10. Learn what sustainability means for the future of Deli cuisine and culture at this forum with Michael Pollan, Gil Friend, Willow Rosenthal, and more heavy hitters from the organic, sustainable food movement. Proceeds benefit The Center for Ecoliteracy.

Valentine’s Day events

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PARTIES, EVENTS, AND BENEFITS

“Eat Your Heart Out” Supperclub, 657 Harrison; www.supperclub.com. Sun/14, 11am–3pm, $25–$150. All ages are welcome at this Valentine’s Day brunch benefiting the Black Rock Arts Foundation and featuring art, music, and performances.

“Hearts After Dark” Union Square; 206-4478, www.sfghf.net. Thurs/11, 7–10pm, $75–$125. San Francisco General Hospital Foundation hosts an evening of cocktails, hors d’oeuvres, and live entertainment with DJ Solomon and ’80s cover band Tainted Love.

“Hugs ‘n’ Hearts” Club 8, 1151 Folsom; www.heklina.com. Sun/14, 9pm, $10–$25. Heklina hosts this Big Top party with special guests Amanda LePore and Cazwell.

“Love on Wheels Dating Game” Rickshaw Stop, 155 Fell; www.sfbike.org/love. Fri/12, 6pm, $5–$10. The San Francisco Bike Coalition plays Cupid during another round of this dating game that pairs single cyclists with each other, with the same hilarious structure as the 1970s game show.

“My Sucky Valentine” Center for Sex and Culture, 1519 Mission; www.sexandculture.org. Sun/14, 7pm, $15–$25. Listen to good writers talk about bad sex and tainted love, including Stephen Elliott, Daphne Gottlieb, Carol Queen, and Simon Sheppard.

“Nightlife: Romance and Reproduction” California Academy of Sciences, 55 Music Concourse Dr; 379-5128, www.calacademy.org. Thurs/11, 6pm, $10–$12. Learn about the animal kingdom’s most amorous creatures and unique sexual behaviors while DJ Jeff Stallings plays Balearic, African, Bedouin, and Latin beats.

“Sex and Science Wine and Dine Tour” California Academy of Sciences, 55 Music Concourse Dr; 379-5128, www.calacademy.org. Sun/14, 6 and 7pm, $199. Take your cues from the planet’s lustiest creatures with a pre-dinner tour and champagne reception and a romantic four-course dinner with wine.

“Sweet Valentine’s Cruise” Pier 43½; 673-2900, www.redandwhite.com. Sun/14, 2pm, $36–$52. Join the Red and White Fleet for a romantic, fun, two-hour cruise of the San Francisco Bay, including a lavish appetizer buffet by Boudin and a complimentary beverage.

“Woo at the Zoo” San Francisco Zoo; Sloat Blvd at 47th St; 753-7236, www.sfzoo.org. Sat/13, 6pm, and Sun/14, 11am and 6pm, $70–$75. This multimedia event explores sexual and mating behaviors of animals, conducted by Jane Tollini of the former Sex Tours, all while you enjoy champagne and either a brunch bar or a decadent dinner of beef tenderloin on herbed couscous.

FILM, MUSIC, AND PERFORMANCE

“Assuming the Ecosexual Position” The Lab, 2948 16th St; 864-8855, www.thelab.org. Sat/13, 8pm, $7–$10. Acclaimed performance artist and sex educator Annie Sprinkle and her partner Elizabeth Stephens explore, generate, and celebrate love through art during this special event that includes an erotic cake contest. Bring your own!

“Cora’s Recipe for Love” EXIT Theatre, 156 Eddy; 673-3847, www.theexit.org. Fri-Sat, 8pm, through Feb 20. Sean Owens’ wacky alter ego returns to address love and longing through the eyes of Gas and Gulp regulars.

“Hearts on Fire!” Teatro Zinzanni, Pier 29; 438-2668, www.zinzanni.org. Sun/14, 12 and 5:30pm, $91–$145. Teatro Zinzanni presents two special performances of this joyful love affair featuring disco diva Thelma Houson and Christine Deaver. Show also runs through May 16.

“How We First Met” Herbst Theatre, 401 Van Ness; 392-4400, www.howwefirstmet.com. Sat/13 and Sun/14, 8pm, $25–$40. Real audience stories are spun into a comedy masterpiece in this one-of-a-kind hit show, now in its 10th year.

“Justin Bond: Close to You” Castro Theatre, 429 Castro; 863-0611, www.thecastrotheatre.com. Sun/14, 8:15pm, $35–$75. Accompanied by a lush 10-piece orchestra, the Tony nominee recreates sweet sounds from your favorite Carpenters hits. The evening also features the Thrillpeddlers as special guests.

“Love Everywhere” San Francisco City Hall Rotunda and Glide Memorial Church, www.erikachongshuch.org. Fri/12 (City Hall), 12pm; Sun/14 (Glide), 9 and 11am, free. The Erika Chong Shuch Performance Project debuts a new, large-scale work presented free as part of Dancers’ Group’s ONSITE series.

“MediaARTS 2010: Algo-rhythms of heart/break/beats” Ninth Street Independent Film Center, 145 Ninth St; www.mediaarts2010.com. Fri/12, 7pm, $10–$20. Ninth Street Independent Film Center presents an exhibition of the intersection of emerging technology, performance, and the moving image attempting to compute what it means to love and lose.

“Mortified: Doomed Valentine’s Show” Make-Out Room, 3225 22nd St.; www.makeoutroom.com. Thurs/11 and Fri/12, 8pm, $12–$15. Share the pain, awkwardness, and bad poetry associated with love as performers read from their teen angst artifacts.

“On the Periphery of Love: A Solo Performance Festival with Valentine’s Day Implications” StageWerx Theatre, 533 Sutter. Fri/12 and Sat/13, 8pm; Sun/14, 7pm, $15–$30. StageWerx presents five new visions of romance, featuring work by Martha Rynberg, Thao P. Nguyen, Zahra Noorbaksh, Bruce Pachtman, and Paolo Sambrano.

“Rock & Roll Theatresports: Be My Valentine” Bayfront Theater, Fort Mason Center; 474-6776, www.improv.org. Fri/12 and Sat/13, 8pm, $17. BATS presents two days of shows featuring scenes and songs dedicated to love and relationships, during which six rock-themed teams will compete for points and audience accolades.

“Strange Love” Actors Theatre, 855 Bush; 345-1287, www.natashamuse.com. Sun/14, 6:30pm, $10. The Valentine’s Day edition of “A Funny Night for Comedy” features Will Franken, Wegent and Page, and host Natasha Muse.

CLASSES AND WORKSHOPS

“Love Dub” Yoga Tree Castro, 97 Collingwood; 701-YOGA, www.yogatreesf.com. Sat/13, 8:30pm-12:30am, $45. Yoga Tree and Upmost High Records present a hatha flow yoga class and live reggae concert, with a portion of proceeds to benefit Save the Redwood Tree Foundation, Surfriders, and Power to the Peaceful.

Science slips into something more comfortable: the Exploratorium’s “Sexplorations”

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Spring is in the air. Sure, it’s coupled by a lingering chill, but the past few days have brought a cameo by our fair weather (ha!) friend the sun, flowers are popping up and open toed shoe spottings have been increasing in intensity on our city sidewalks. It’s a time of rebirth, renewal… and no small amount of, shall we say, “fecundity” in the world around us.

Such fertility sets the stage nicely for this month’s Exploratorium After Hours night dedicated to the science of hanky panky. If you haven’t yet checked out the kid-friendly science museum’s adult-friendly monthly event, just know that it features all the regular museum exhibits, a cash bar, music, expert lecturers and free parking. February’s theme is “Sexplorations” and it promises a vaguely titillating evening- particularly if you’re into watching insects bang or modern science’s latest findings on your nasty bits.

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“Baby you so fine I wanna stick on you like recombinant DNA.” Science pick-up lines, ya dig? Photo by Amy Snyder, copyright Exploratorium

And what has science dug up on our down under since 10th grade health class? “Sexplorations” will feature a discussion of just these revelations by sly fox science writer Mary Roach, whose latest tome “Bonk,” is a rundown of understandings and misunderstandings of our privates and their functions, a follow up to her previous treatises on cadavers and what specialists have discovered about the afterlife.

What else? A “condom couture” fashion show, sea urchin fertilization, a talk on the sex lives of kitty cats, bull testicle dissection, live sperm and two movies entitled “Love Life of the Octopus” (1965) and “Sexual Encounters of the Floral Kind” (1983). Ready to get frisky, scientifically speaking?


After Hours: “Sexplorations”
Thur/4 6-10 p.m., $15
The Exploratorium
3601 Lyon, SF
(415) 561-0363
www.exploratorium.edu

Leno seeks to affirm religious freedom

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By Nima Maghame

As supporters and opponents of same-sex marriage await closing arguments and a verdict in the federal lawsuit challenging Prop. 8’s legality, California State Senator Mark Leno has introduced a new bill that protects clergy who don’t want to perform marriage ceremonies that conflict with their beliefs.

“We so often heard from members of clergy that if Prop. 8 doesn’t pass, they had concern that they would be forced to marry against their beliefs and scared they would lose their tax-exemption,” Leno told the Guardian. So he’s decided to promote a bill that would remove that argument from the anti-gay marriage arsenal.

Sex SF

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The Guardian’s Local Sex-Positive Blog

Atlanta beats the pants off SF — again

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Hot guys mostly not in their underwear at Atlanta’s 2009 Pride Parade

In general, San Franciscans deal with an existential crisis in one of two ways: binge drinking or making idle threats to move to New York. Usually, it’s a combination of both. Concerning the latter, we frequently cite the Big Apple’s better nightlife, for which we are prepared to sacrifice amazing food, outrageously mild weather, and overall happiness and sense of well-being.

Our behavior needs to stop. Listen, whatever problems you may have, New York isn’t going to solve them for you. I learned this lesson the hard way. Once upon a time, I turned threat into reality. I packed up all my things, threw myself a teary goodbye party, and got an apartment in Williamsburg. Several months later, I was happily back in San Francisco. It was embarrassing.

Here’s a piece of advice. Next time you hate your life, instead of threatening to move to New York City, why don’t you threaten to move to Atlanta?

 

I’m serious. Last year, a Trojan sex study revealed that Atlantans are “most sexually satisfied” out of 10 cities surveyed. San Francisco ranked dead last. 73% of Atlantans participating in the survey professed to have satisfying sex. That’s pretty good.

I know what you’re thinking. Back then, I was skeptical too. Now, I’m prepared to suspend some of my disbelief. The Advocate just published an article on the 15 gayest cities in America, based on the number, per capita, of gay couples, gay bars, cruising spots, and gay films on Netflix queues, among other criteria. The gayest city, of course, was revealed to be… Atlanta?

What is it with this place?

San Francisco wasn’t even on the list. Mike Albo writes, “This admittedly subjective search reveals spots that are much more pink than you might think. Determined by a completely unscientific but accurate statistical equation, these gayest cities may surprise you. Iowa City, Austin, and Asheville have more gays per capita than the biggies.” On Atlanta, he says, “Atlanta guys are hunky… And who doesn’t love the sweet lilt of a Georgia accent on a knockout guy or gal?”

Admittedly, the Southern accent is cute. Next time you are sexually or otherwise frustrated enough to utter that old “I’m moving to New York” platitude, why not replace “New York” with “Atlanta”? Atlanta has better weather, a lower cost of living, and good-looking people, and the stats show that, whether straight or gay, Atlantans are having a lot of great sex. Repeat after me: “I’m moving to Atlanta!”

Before I get labeled a disgraceful turncoat, I’ll admit I’m arguing Atlanta’s case on the basis of reverse psychology. Those temporarily dissatisfied with the Bay Area might finally have a cure for their existential malaise! Imagine waking up tomorrow to find yourself living in Atlanta. Let that thought marinate for a while. You live in Atlanta. Suddenly, things don’t seem so bad here, do they.

 

Queer and present

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DANCE In the middle of Keith Hennessy’s “A Queer 20th Anniversary” performances — which end this weekend with the Bay Area premiere of his 2008 Crotch (all the Joseph Beuys references in the world cannot heal the pain, confusion, regret, cruelty, betrayal, or trauma …) — the reprise of his two-part How to Die (2006) nearly filled Dance Mission Theatre. At the end of the evening, he asked for donations to help him defray a looming $5,000 deficit. Just about everyone gave.

Perhaps Hennessy didn’t mind begging. Stepping out of a persona and addressing the audience directly, after all, is part of his artistic make-up. Still, I winced. After two decades of investigating theater as a locus for truth-seeking, of innovating formal structures, of honing performance skills and creating work that is serious and thought-provoking, an artist deserves better.

Although Hennessy has a sizable, loyal audience, primarily in the queer community, his theatrically pungent work rattles everyone’s cage; injustice, poverty, violence, and hypocrisy set him off. Broadway it ain’t. Compelling — and sometimes uncomfortable — dance theater it is. You don’t have to agree with Hennessy’s perspective on sex’s redemptive power to appreciate the richness of his references, the skill with which he translates ideas to the stage, and the force of his commitment to what he does.

Hennessy is a stripper, not because he often performs in the nude, but because he tears off the blinders that protect him and us from what we don’t want to see. The question, of course, is what remains. Vulnerability for sure. But perhaps Hennessy is also a romantic, hoping to find something pure underneath all the garbage we accumulate.

In Homeless USA, part one of How to Die, he makes us look at the homeless in front of our noses. In part two, American Tweaker, he conjures up the drug-addled sexual abandon of the early 1980s. Even on second viewing, neither work was easy to watch. There is something of the fleshy rawness of a Francis Bacon canvas about them. But Hennessy also pushes theatrical verisimilitude to the point of absurdity, which allows an audience to step back from the emotional onslaught.

Homeless USA was derived from research on homeless men — many of them veterans — who commit suicide by being decapitated by passing trains. Hennessy started out gently, with Jules Beckman as a pugnacious sidekick, but turned up the heat by “masturbating” on the train tracks, and stumbling over the list of reasons to commit suicide. While “drowning” himself in a bucket, he became his own lighting designer. Attached to a string threaded through his nose, he recalled a delicate Petrouchka. In these scenes, Hennessy’s intensity — he often approaches a kind of religious fervor in his performances — was riveting.

At the core of the manic American Tweaker, a train-wreck evocation of a sex-obsessed disco and bathhouse scene, was a prolonged, extremely violent (though simulated) scene of anal intercourse. It ended with Hennessy whimpering on the floor. Addressing the audience, he confessed that at this point “I usually don’t know what to say.” Neither did I. The final healing ritual had Hennessy hanging upside down, Seth Eisen as an apparition from A Thousand and One Nights, and Beckman’s wondrous music. Rituals necessitate a community of believers. I wish I could have been one of them.

In Crotch, Hennessy draws props from his performance theory studies and (as the piece’s full title suggests) the work of the late German artist and philosopher Joseph Beuys. Among the most clearly referential are a tub of lard and a piece of felt: Beuys claimed after his Luftwaffe plane crashed on the Crimean Front in 1944, Tatar tribes people saved his life by wrapping him in lard and felt. The way Hennessy uses the lard is simultaneously freaky and profound.

CROTCH (ALL THE JOSEPH BEUYS REFERENCES IN THE WORLD CANNOT HEAL THE PAIN, CONFUSION, REGRET, CRUELTY, BETRAYAL, OR TRAUMA …)

Fri/29–Sun/31, 8 p.m., $15–$25

Dance Mission Theatre

3316 24th St, SF

www.brownpapertickets.com/event/82278

alt.sex.column: The old triangle

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By Andrea Nemerson. Email your questions to andrea@mail.altsexcolumn.com. Read more of Andrea’s columns here.

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Dear Andrea:

I seem to find myself being one-third of a long-term, stable threesome. Or is there no such thing?

I was dating “Jill,” who is bi but was only dating me. We decided to try a threesome just for fun and invited her friend “Jen.” It turned out not to be one-time thing. Jen came back, and came back again, and she and Jill started to fall in love, and so did we (Jen and me), and before you knew it, we had this thing that looks weird from the outside but feels very normal and even simple to us. Only a few close friends know, and we are worried about what parents and others would say if they knew. Jill and I were planning on getting married and having a kid, and we still want to, but now Jen would be part of our family too. And we’d like to get a house together, but wouldn’t people know then?

I know “one guy, two girls” sounds like a porno fantasy, but it isn’t like that really. We all have jobs and lives, and it’s not like we hang around the pool having crazy three-way sex all the time. But we do want to stay together. What do you think? Is such a thing possible?

Love,

Equilateral

Dear Equ:

Clearly so, since you are doing it. As for the future, who can tell?

 

An equilateral triangle is about as stable a shape as you can find, but even triangles suffer stresses. You are still in the two-honeysmoon phase and everyone is, I am sure, on his or her best behavior. This is certain not to last. Sooner or later someone will feel neglected or insufficiently supported and will not repress the urge to make that snappish comment, and somebody else will come back with a “Yeah? If you’re so ____ing _____ why don’t you ______instead of ______ing?” and somebody else will roll his or her eyes and somebody will yell at the eye-roller for eye-rolling. It is inevitable. And soothing three egos and salving three sets of hurt feelings is exponentially more complicated.

I would also not discount the lack of societal support for nontraditional unions as a source of yet more stress. I hesitate to draw a direct parallel to gay couples, but not having people beam at you when you announce your intentions and not having all the aunts tear up at the sight of the lovely bride (groom) and not having the chair dance and the “mazel tov and siman tov” can be a real loss. It isn’t all about the health insurance and the tax breaks or even about commitment — marriage is also about societal support and approval, and that support and approval does help solidify a union. As I said, not exactly the same thing, though. Your situation is worse.

What? No. I don’t disapprove. But other people will, so strenuously that you will feel obligated to keep it a secret. And while secrets can be sexy and sharing them can be bonding, living in hiding (or in a situation generally misunderstood or despised) is ultimately pretty destructive. Which is certainly no reason not to do it.

The complications of a multiple marriage (equivalent) go far beyond potential threats to peace on the home front like jealousy, possessiveness, and schedule difficulties. (Have you never watched Big Love? Even if you’re not planning on founding your own splinter sect, you might want to.) Spouses are family, but what are second spouses? What happens if Jen has a family emergency, is ill herself, or otherwise in need of immediate succor? Your boss understands “My wife’s mother died, I’ll be out this week.” She doesn’t give a damn about your wife’s girlfriend’s mother. What if Jen wants to have a baby too? The three of you may fall easily into a family pattern that works for you, with one mommy and one mama, or whatever — children never seem to find unusual arrangements the least bit troublesome, since they have no idea what “usual” is and what’s normal is what’s normal for them. Schools and soccer coaches and other authorities, however, will have Opinions.

In other, fewer words, sure, you can do this. Jill can do it. Jen can do it. But living a life that sounds like somebody else’s dirty joke is not going to be easy. If I’m sick of hearing “You’ve really got your hands full!” when I walk by with my twins — imagine how tired of it you’re going to get. You might want to get in practice now: “How do you figure out which one to do first?” sniggers the office wit when you let slip that you’re finding your home life complicated, “I wish I had your problems.”

“Dude,” you’ll sigh, as you attempt to side-step him to get to the copier, “You have noidea.” And he won’t.

Love,

Andrea

 

Hot sex events this week: Jan 27-Feb 2

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Compiled by Molly Freedenberg

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Selina Raven is the spankin’ maven at Good Vibes on Monday.

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>> Lip Service
Tracy Bartlett leads this perennially popular workshop about one of the most overlooked erotic skills: kissing. Bring a partner to smooch and a bottle of water to keep your lips lubed.

Wed/27, 8pm
$45/pair with pre-registration
Good Vibrations Valencia
603 Valencia, SF
www. goodvibes.com

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>> Sex Workers’ Writing Workshop
Gina de Vries hosts this workshop for current and former sex workers who want to share their writing and get honest, non-judgmental feedback.

Wed/27, 5:30pm
$10-$20
Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF
www.sexandculture.org

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>> Erotic Reading Circle
Share new or old work in this non-judgmental workshop setting.

Wed/27, 7:30pm
$5-$10 suggested donation
Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF
www.sexandculture.org

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The truth behind the Prop. 8 lies

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By Tim Redmond

Another day of amazing evidence in the Prop. 8 trial. Check out Robert Cruickshank’s report here. I’m still not so sure that this will turn out to be a smart legal strategy; even if we win at the trial court level and the 9th Circuit, I’m not sure I want this current Supreme Court to make law on same-sex marriage. But the trial has absolutely and positively produced evidence showing the bigotry behind Prop. 8.

“The Viagra Diaries”: sexy chick lit for the over-sixty set

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If the idea that a mainstream San Francisco newspaper would publish a weekly sex/dating column called The Viagra Diaries — targeted at local singles over the age of sixty — sounds like a work of fiction, it’s not because Violet Blue isn’t in her sixth decade yet.

The Viagra Diaries is a novel by Barbara Rose Brooker, a 73-year-old local writer whose latest protagonist happens to be a septuagenarian dating columnist named Anny Applebaum. [No doubt revered Russian historian and political journalist Anne Applebaum is tickled — Ed.] The name of Applebaum’s fictional column supplies the book’s title. Old but hardly wise, Anny struggles with personal finance and falls into a messy relationship with an emotionally unavailable older man. Given that Anny shares Carrie Bradshaw’s mental age, perhaps it makes sense that her column is more like “Sex and the City” than “Sexually Speaking with Dr. Ruth.”

Known to Anny’s readers as “Mr. X,” Marv is a 75-year-old diamond dealer whose merits include being addicted to JDate, constant cheating, and lusting helplessly after women who are too young for him. He wears a flashy gold Rolex and drives a Mercedes convertible. His eloquence is revealed in statements like, “I love all sports. I ski all over the world. My first wife was a champion French skier. She ran off with her trainer and died in a ski accident.” Ever drawn to the bad boy, ingenue Anny enters into a mostly-NSA sexual relationship with Marv, and the emotional detritus provides fodder for her column. Brooker’s novel seems to argue that poor decision-making skills, romantic and otherwise, are not wasted on the young.

Brooker sold the movie rights to The Viagra Diaries and has appeared recently on the morning talk circuit promoting her book. Her goal, she’s said, was to show that old age doesn’t necessitate BINGO and nursing homes, that old people can have successful careers, grand aspirations, and good sex too. This argument, to which Sophia Loren is a walking testament, is hardly new. At one extreme, I suppose you have something like 77-year-old Philip Roth’s The Humbling, featuring a sexually-potent protagonist in his mid-sixties who likes a lesbian threesome every now and again, and on the other, something like this.

The Viagra Diaries is addressed to a particular type of older woman. Helen Gurley Brown would read this book. Doris Lessing and A. S. Byatt would not. But by its intended audience, The Viagra Diaries will be well-received. Joan Rivers, not known for being easy to please, described it as “a poignant picture of dating, romantic love, parenting an adult daughter, and sex after sixty.” Brooker is no belletrist, but she manages to unassumingly, sometimes even unintentionally, charm. With scaffolding borrowed from the much-loved chick lit canon, her characters are immediately recognizable to anyone who has ever read a matte-finished paperback with a stylized handbag or lipstick tube on the cover. It makes perfect sense for Anny and Marv, old though they be, to fashion themselves after Candace Bushnell and Helen Fielding characters. What better method can there be to feeling young-at-heart than to indulge in the immature follies of the young?

“Cult of the Hermaphrodite” mystery deepens

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By D. Scot Miller

herma200110.jpg
The Cult of the Hermaphrodite — our own Da Vinci Code

I loved Juliette Tang’s piece on the cult of the hermaphrodite poster. One of the beautiful, sexy things about San Francisco is our collective psychosexual make-up. I’m turned on by the seemingly infinite ways our sexual selves can manifest, inhabit… twist?

On one of those few recent warm nights, I was walking down Polk Street and when ran across this same poster taped to a telephone pole. What drew my attention was the Scotch tape and white out. Each poster had been touched by a human hand. I live near Frontlyne Video (1428 Bush Street. “Speciality” movies. Large TS section. Stop by and say hi), so I stopped by to look at the book: “Cult of the Hermaphrodite Unveiled…is part 2(two) of Master R.J. Daniel’s PATH of the ASTRONOMER/SCRIBE/PRIEST/WARRIOR from “A Private Think Tank” known as the “Almasi Scholars Research and Consulting Organization”, who are “Observers and Trackers in trends in adult entertainment. economics, religion, politics, male-female-family and gender.”

I must confess that I pulled what little sex clout I’ve garnered writing SFBG Sex SF blog, and the the counter guy was cool enough to let me sneak a peek. The truth was revealed to me in crude, meticulous drawings, collage, and Situationist-inspired type-text :

“Hermaphrodites, calling themselves SHE MALES/TRANSEXUALS, travel a NATION-WIDE CIRCUIT of LOVE-MAKING, where they are WORSHIPPED as GODESSES of EROTIC LOVE. LOVE PISTOLS on TOUR Fully LOADED”

Written more like an expose than a story (though it begs to be one), Master Daniel traces the still-influential Cult of the Hermaphrodite to the ancient Phoenician city-states and the sex-cults of King Solomon 6,000 years ago. The affluent male devotees of the cult, known as satyrs, wish to re-establish the erotic link between the god of cunning, swiftness, and commerce (Hermes) with the goddess of love, beauty and raw sexuality (Aphrodite). After his initial thesis, he backs it up with a complex cosmological and numerical system based on astrology, astronomy, pornography and folklore.

Cruising through the Polk district on another rare warm evening, with Diva’s down the block and the TS sex-workers mingling on corners, stepping out of town cars, limos and taxis, even I could see the possibilities of a cult rife with sultry rites lurking in the catacombs. Could Master Daniel be right? Wouldn’t it be fun to make him so?

I’ve seen Master Daniel, and have run across one of his business cards. Call me a freak if you need to, but I love stuff like this. My novel — Knot Frum Hear (2010) — is loosely based on an actual San Franciscan known as James Bond Zero who also printed his own business card. Though there is a 30 year difference, they could be working for the same company, William S. Burroughs CEO.

Master Daniel’s book, which Frontlyne reports has been selling “pretty good,” is copyrighted and with his written permission, I will post more of his actual text and images. Yes, I will be calling him. Is that another story or the same one? We’ll see…

OMG those Prop. 8 backers are looney

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By Tim Redmond

And if you didn’t already know that, check this out. There’s more in the trial transcripts (pd):

And you say:
15 “The San Francisco city government is under
16 the rule of homosexuals.”
17 Do you see that?
18 A. Yes.
19 Q. Did you believe that, sir?
20 A. Yes, I believed that.
21 Q. Who are the homosexuals that San Francisco is under the
22 rule of?
23 A. Uhm, at that time, supervisor Tom Ammiano was a supervisor
24 there.
25 Q. And there was also a mayor, right?

1 A. Yes.
2 Q. The mayor was a homosexual, was he, according to you?
3 A. I don’t think so.
4 Q. You don’t think so? No, I don’t think so either

,

And

Well, let’s see, as we go through this, how you use words.
25 You go on to say that:

1 “After legalizing same-sex marriages they
2 want to legalize prostitution.”
3 Do you see that?
4 A. Yes.
5 Q. Did you think the people who were opposing Proposition 8
6 wanted to legalize prostitution?
7 A. Uhm, that was a Proposition K at that time, on the
8 San Francisco ballot. And I saw several homosexual
9 politicians, they supported that. So I draw from that — from
10 their support that they want to legalize prostitution.
11 Q. But that didn’t have anything to do with Proposition 8;
12 did it, sir?
13 A. No.
14 Q. No, it didn’t.

And

Now, the second paragraph refers to Mayor Newsom. Do
8 you see that?
9 A. Yes.
10 Q. It says:
11 “The mayor says homosexuals are minorities
12 and should not be discriminated against.”
13 Do you see that?
14 A. Yes.
15 Q. Now, you would agree that homosexuals are a minority,
16 correct?
17 A. I — I don’t believe they are minorities.
18 Q. You don’t believe they are the minority?
19 A. I am a minority.
20 Q. You are a minority.
21 What percentage of the population do you think are
22 homosexuals?
23 A. My understanding of minority is —
24 Q. What percentage of the population —
25 A. — based on skin color.

1 Q. What percentage of the population is homosexual?
2 A. I — what I read is, about from 2 to 4 percent.
3 Q. 2 to 4 percent?
4 A. Right.
5 Q. Is that a minority, sir?
6 A. In terms of their sexual practice, it is.

I don’t even know what to say.

Hot sex events this week: Jan 20-26

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Compiled by Molly Freedenberg

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Join Mr. May from the Bare Chest 2009 calendar for Lick It at Powerhouse.

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>> Sex Workers’ Writing Workshop
Join current and former sex workers for a workshop geared towards both beginner and seasoned writers.

Wed/20, 6pm
$10-$20
Center for Sex and Culture
1519 Mission, SF
sexandculture.org

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>> Moulin Rouge: Sacred Courtesans and X-traordinary Gentlemen
La Diva Francesca Gentille De Mirae hosts a special night of beauty, flirtatiousness, exquisite food, incandescent music, and ecstatic dancing.

Wed/20, 6pm
$34.95 includes 3-course dinner, entertainment, fashion show, and dancing
Supperclub
657 Harrison, SF
(415) 348-0900
www.supperclub.com

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>> Barbary Coast Burlesque: Intoxicating Beauties of the Bay
Virginia Suicide hosts a special performance featuring Bunny Pistol, Honey Lawless, Kiss Me Kate, Mynx D’Meanor, Josie Starre, and sASSy Hotbuns in a bordello-esque atmosphere.

Wed/20, 8pm
$6
Hotel Utah
500 4th St, SF
www.thehotelutahsaloon.com

Meet Gavin Newsom: whine clerk

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Text by Sarah Phelan

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Sorry, Maureen, but you omitted more than a few details of the real trials of Mayor Gavin Newsom…

I’m usually a fan of Maureen Dowd’s finely pointed writing, but her interview with Mayor Gavin Newsom in today’s New York Times left me with the sinking feeling that she was writing with an uncharacteristically unsharpened pencil.

Yes, it was funny when Dowd wrote, “It’s easy to picture the lithe and charming Newsom–with the well-cut suits, the electric Telsa, the beautiful blonde wife and baby–advising a Pacific Heights couple on a cabernet with aromas of eucalyptus and mint.”

But beyond that delightful dig, Dowd kept her pencil on an unusually tight leash.

Maybe that’s because Dowd doesn’t know the ins and outs of San Francisco politics and was fooled into misrepresenting Newsom’s whining as the rueful ruminations of a man so very far ahead of his time.

But it’s hard to believe that the indomitable Dowd doesn’t know that Newsom’s political career has been short circuited for a million reasons above and beyond gay marriage.

Maybe the fact that Newsom slept with his campaign manager’s wife isn’t perceived as a deal breaker in circles where everyone always seems to be betraying every one else.

But how about Newsom’s failure to show backbone when then Sup. (and now State Assemblymember) Tom Ammiano was trying to launch San Francisco’s trailblazing health care program–yes, the same one that President Obama has recently and widely praised, and for which Newsom has been happy to take all the credit?

Instead of showing leadership on Healthy San Francisco, Newsom stood back and let Ammiano do the heavy lifting, in face of the threat of legal opposition from the Golden Gate Restaurant Association. Newsom’s cowardice on that issue seems entirely understandable, given that, as Dowd points out, “Before he got into politics, after all, he started a boutique wine shop in Napa Valley that blossomed into a multimillion-dollar business.” (Heaven forbid that the former owner of a wine boutique would be seen leading the charge to ensure that the restaurant industry helps employees go see a doctor instead of sneezing into the endive soup and eucalyptus-scented cabernet that the Pacific Heights mafia has come to enjoy.)

But Dowd doesn’t make that, or any other, connection.

Instead, she lets Newsom stick his not-so-subtle knives into Obama’s back on same-sex marriage, without pointing out that after Newsom rushed into gay marriage, he failed to launch a much needed statewide campaign to reach out, across the aisle of intolerance, and help defeat the Prop. 8 party poopers.

The final insult in Dowd’s puff piece is when she lets the current mayor of San Francisco get away unchallenged with his bogus claim that, “we’ve always fought for the rights of minorities and against the whims of majorities.” Try telling that to the immigrants whose families have been ripped apart because gubernatorial candidate Newsom failed to support giving undocumented kids their day in court, before reporting them to the feds for deportation.

But Dowd does at least gives us a preview of what to expect when we stumble unwittingly into a wine store, somewhere in the backwaters of Napa, and overhear the clerk complaining that no one really understood him, back when he was mayor of San Francisco. Meet Gavin Newsom: whine clerk.

Hard Times Handbook

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It’s tough out there. The recession is supposed to be over, although you’d never know it to walk the streets of San Francisco. But we’re here to help; our Hard Times Handbook offers tips on bargains, deals, and discounts to make those fewer dollars go further.

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Broke doesn’t mean bored

Eight great ways to have fun in San Francisco for $5 or less

By Johnny Funcheap

Living on a tight budget and still trying to have fun in San Francisco is a near impossible task. This is an expensive city, thanks to the reality that everyone wants to live in the tiny 49-square-mile cultural oasis — driving up rents and the cost of just about everything else.

Despite its reputation, the city is actually getting slightly more affordable, if ever so relatively. (In 2008 San Francisco actually fell in the rankings of most expensive cities in the U.S. from fourth to fifth.)

Leading the charge toward making the city a more affordable place to have fun are numerous businesses, government-run sites, and co-ops that are trying to survive in the recession themselves — and using big discounts and fun free events to try to lure you in.

Here’s a list of my favorite deals and freebies I’ve found so far for 2010.

CAFÉ ROYALE

Waving the flag high for nightlife in the Trendynob with its curved couches and velvet curtains is the cozy beer and wine bar Café Royale. This late-night venue (it’s open until 2 a.m. Fridays and Saturdays) stages more than 20 nights of free events each month, an eclectic mix of live entertainment that includes jazz bands, Beatles karaoke, book readings, slam poetry, stand-up comedy, and even the odd accordion night. You can dine on small plates and noshables until the wee hours, and wash them down with a robust selection of wines by the glass and creatively yummy Soju cocktails like the Pom Pom and Creamsicle. And for billiards fans, Café Royale has one of the few three-quarter size tournament tables in San Francisco at just 75 cents a game.

800 Post at Leavenworth. 415-441-4099. www.caferoyale-sf.com

COUNTERPULSE

More an arts and culture community hub than just a performance space, CounterPULSE serves as a home and venue for a diverse mix of local artists, dancers, and playwrights to practice and showcase their latest works. A majority of the events at this nonprofit theater (plays, dance performances, as well as classes and workshops) are free. For more elaborate productions that require tickets, CounterPULSE has a wonderful “no one turned away for lack of funds” policy. You can also get in free by donating a few hours of your time to the volunteer usher program.

1310 Mission at Ninth St., 415-626-2060. www.counterpulse.org

$5 MOVIE NIGHT

Saving money on going out to the movies used to mean you had to blag your way to a cheap ticket using a long-expired student ID or arrive by lunchtime to save a few bucks on a matinee ticket. The historic Roxie Theater has done away with all of those shenanigans, at least on Monday nights, with cheaper-than-matinee prices ($5) to all films (except for the odd film festival or special screening when regular ticket prices still apply). This stalwart of the Mission District, which recently celebrated its 100th birthday, is an independent art-house theater that shows limited-run art, music, foreign, and documentary films on two small screens.

Roxie Theater, 3117 16th St., 415-431-3611. www.roxie.com

BART DISCOUNTS AND FREE RIDES

You didn’t think BART — notoriously expensive for commuters — could be the source of cheap events, did you? Well, mybart.org, run by the transit system, lists a calendar of free events that take place close to BART stations. The site also gives you access to an constantly updated bevy of special discounts like two-for-one theater tickets, museum discounts, and heavily-discounted tickets to Warriors and Cal basketball games. For those of you who only respond to free, mybart.org also puts together ticket contests with different prizes each week, like the chance to win one of five preloaded $50 BART tickets.

www.mybart.org

PIER CRABBING

Hell with Fisherman’s Wharf and its giant crab sign. Forget the pricey crab dinners at local restaurants. You can learn how to be your own crusty crab-fisher, right in the shadow of the Golden Gate Bridge. The National Park Service staffers at the historic Fort Port (built in the 1850s) give free pier-crabbing demonstrations every Saturday morning from March to October. After the class, they’ll even loan you crabbing equipment so you can put your newly-learned skills to the test. Space is limited and advanced reservations are required.

Fort Point, Marine Drive, Saturdays, 10 a.m.–noon, March–Oct. (415) 556-1693 www.nps.gov/fopo

THE HISTORY OF BAY AREA ROCK ‘N’ ROLL

Feeling nostalgic? You can get a taste for the era when the Bay Area and the psychedelic music scene were the center of the rock ‘n’ roll universe at the Museum of Performance and Design’s free history exhibit “Something’s Happenin’ Here: Bay Area Rock ‘n’ Roll 1963-73.” On display at this one-of-a-kind exhibit are the full-size original painting that made in onto the Grateful Dead’s “Anthem in the Sun” album cover, costume pieces worn by stars like Janis Joplin and Sly Stone, and original posters from the Fillmore and the Avalon Ballroom, along with a collection of previously unseen rock photos. Visitors can also listen to rare audioclips and watch vintage film footage they probably never knew existed. Exhibit runs through Aug. 28. It’s free, but the museum suggests a $5 donation.

Museum of Performance and Design, Veterans Building, 401 Van Ness, Fourth Floor. Wed.–Sat., noon–5 p.m. www.mpdsf.org

AMERICAN BOOKBINDERS MUSEUM

If you’re really looking for a blast from the past, check out the free exhibit at this little-known museum. Bookbinding is the art of physically assembling and sewing the pages and spine of a book by hand — a skill that was made essentially obsolete (at least, for the purpose of mass-production) with the dawning of the Industrial Revolution. But the nonprofit American Bookbinders Museum, part of a working bookbindery that still practices this art, documents the history of how books used to be put together with exhibits celebrating the skilled artisans who bound books, samples of vintage papers, and a maze of large and terrifying-looking 19th- and early 20th-century binding and cutting machines (many of which could cut off all your fingers in one go if you stood too close).

1962 Harrison at 16th St., Saturdays, noon–4 p.m. and by appointment, (415) 710-9369. www.bookbindersmuseum.com

SAN FRANCISCO BICYCLE COALITION

Unless you want to walk, there’s really no cheaper way to get around town than on a bicycle. And for the tens of thousands of San Franciscans who use bikes as their main mode of transportation, the Bike Coalition is a co-op knight in shining armor. The advocacy group, whose members successfully fought more than 200 miles of bike lanes in the city as well as bike access on Muni and BART, also puts on and sponsors a handful of events each month such as free urban cycling workshops to help you navigate the city streets safely, themed guided bike rides, and many other bike-friendly events. Membership starts at $35 per year, but many of their events are free for nonmembers or for a $5 donation.

www.sfbike.org

D-STRUCTURE

Owned by former pro skater and X-Games judge Azikiwee Anderson, D-Structure in the Lower Haight blurs the line between retail store, art gallery and performance space in a big way. Every month, this self-described “lifestyle clothing brand culture store” lets local artists take over the space and use the entire store as their canvas. For launch parties, which take place several times each month, the merchandise displays of urban hoodies and t-shirts and hip beanies are pushed to the walls to make room for DJs and events that range from art openings with live painting to indie rock shows, hip hop album release parties and film screenings. And did we mention the open bar? During its nighttime events, most of which are free and open to the public, D-Structure has been known to bring in a truck load of beer; that’s what happened on New Year’s Eve.

520 Haight, 415-252-8601, Mon.–Sat., noon–8 p.m.; Sundays, noon–6 p.m. www.d-structuresf.com

Johnny Funcheap runs FunCheapSF.com, a free SF-based service that uncovers and shares a hand-picked recommendation list of more than 50 cheap, fun, unique Bay Area events each week.

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Drink early and often

Five great happy hours that offer bargain booze — and amazing food deals

By Virginia Miller

BAR CRUDO’S HAPPY HOUR

About the best crudo (and some of the best seafood) anywhere, Bar Crudo’s new digs on Divisadero Street provide ample room for you and your friends. You want to go at happy hour; there’s free food and you can also get sweet deal on what is arguably one of the best seafood chowders around. A creamy bowl rich with fish, mussels, shrimp, squid, potatoes, and applewood-smoked bacon goes for $5 (normally $14). Oysters from British Columbia, Prince Edward Island, and Washington are normally $2.50 each, but only $1 during happy hour. Beer and wine specials rotate, $5 for wine or $3 for beer — and we’re not talking PBR. Bar Crudo is known for a broad selection of Belgian and artisan beers, not to mention some beautiful wines.

Mon.–Thurs., 5–6:30 p.m. 655 Divisadero.415-409-0679. www.barcrudo.com

SEAFOOD HAPPY HOUR AT SWELL

For happy hour with a touch of class — and an affordable price — you can’t beat Swell, a delightful, under-the-radar crudo/seafood restaurant. The post-work crowd gets $1 oysters — and not just any oysters, but our own local Point Reyes’ bivalves. There’s ceviche with kampachi and butterfish or mackerel bruschetta with garlic-ginger oil ($8 each). For imbibing, sip $6 Bellinis and Kir Royals or $6 glasses of chardonnay, syrah, or rosé.

Mon.–Thurs., 5–7 p.m. 603 Bush. 415-956-0396. www.swellsf.com

AVENUE LOUNGE’S FREE BRATS ON SUNDAYS

I’ll give you three words: bacon bloody marys. That alone makes it worthwhile trekking to Outer Sunset’s Avenue Lounge on a Sunday. But it gets better: buy any of the $3 well drinks or draft beers ($5 to upgrade to Belvedere or Hennessy in your cocktail) and they’ll throw in free brats and chips. Yes, you heard right: dogs, beer, and football on the flatscreens for $3. At that price, you could settle in all day.

Sundays, 10a.m.–2 a.m.. 1334 Noriega. 415-731-3757

NAMU’S FREE-FOOD MONDAYS

Monday night is free food night at Namu, the Richmond District’s gem of an Asian fusion restaurant that combines Korean and Japanese cooking techniques with Cali-fresh cuisine. With an order of sake, beer, or glass of wine, you can nibble on what Namu is dubbing “drinking food”: bite-size tapas, skewers, and spreads with Asian flair. If you can’t stay out late on a Monday night, there’s a weekday happy hour from 5-7 p.m.

Mondays, 9:30–10:30pm. 439 Balboa. 415-386-8332.www.namusf.com

DOSA ON FILLMORE’S SOUTH INDIAN HAPPY HOUR

This Pac Heights wing of Dosa has the feel of a chic London Indian restaurant, with striking chandeliers and gorgeous Indian-influenced cocktails. The happy hour rocks with a rotating selection of beer (like India’s Kingfisher), wine (maybe a Dona Paula Argentinean malbec) and, yes, those cocktails (how about “Mood Indigo,” i.e., Buffalo Trace bourbon, jackfruit marmalade, Angostura bitters, and a splash of sparkling wine) for a mere $5 each. For the same price, there’s a range of South Indian snacks like cochin calamari sautéed in coconut milk and served with a julienned salad, or a mung sprout salad with fresh lentils, tomatoes, ginger, cucumber, grated coconut, chile, and mustard-seed oil.

Mon.–Thurs., 5:30–7 p.m. 1700 Fillmore. 415-441-3672. www.dosasf.com.

Virginia Miller writes about food for sfbg.com and offers advice for great meals at theperfectspotsf.com

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Drinks on the cheap

By Caitlin Donohue

“No nation is drunken where wine is cheap, and none sober where the dearness of wine substitutes ardent spirits as the common beverage.” So said our illustrious forefather and part-time debaucher, Thomas Jefferson, on the importance of happy hour. We are proud of the brave bar-owning San Franciscan souls who have held true to his vision of a nation built on cheap booze and high spirits. Here assembled are their numbers, true patriots that they are.

BAR ON CHURCH

Some days you want to get drunk and throw peanut shells on the floor. This is a practice aided and abetted by the B.O.C., which serves up 50 cent PBR’s (that elixir from the heavens for the broke-as-hell contingent) and free peanuts from 4-8 p.m. on Saturdays. Sit down, throw one back and get nutty with it.

198 Church, SF. (415) 355-9211. www.thebarsf.com

TSUNAMI SUSHI

With more than 100 sake bottles on the menu, Tsunami is usually off-limits to those with holes in their pockets. Not so during happy Hour (Mon.-Fri. 5-8 p.m., Sat. 6-9 p.m.) when all bottles and selected maki rolls are half off. Try the Sho Chiku Bai nigori sake, a sweet, creamy, unfiltered 720 ml that’ll only run you $16 — ureshii yo!

Mon.–Fri. 5–8 p.m., Sat. 6–9 p.m. 301B King, SF. (415) 284-0111. www.dajanigroup.net

EL RIO

Ah, Mondays at El Rio. If shuffleboard and easy access to cheap burritos isn’t enough to pull you Outer Mission-ward, than peep their very special Monday happy hour: $1 Pabsts, $2 wells all the live-long day. Get you in with that and then tell us you can’t hang with the hipster hangouts.

3158 Mission, SF. (415) 282-3352. www.elriosf.com

KYOTO SUSHI

Japanese businessmen have a reputation for sealing big deals utterly, blackout snookered. Something about how you can only really know a man when he’s being slapped by the waitress for being fresh or passed out drooling on your suit jacket. At any rate, sushi restaurants like to get you drunk. Check out Kyoto, where the anytime special of draft Sapporos for 99 cents will compel you to raise one to the salaryman.

1233 Van Ness, SF.(415) 351-1234. www.kyotosushi-sf.com

BRAIN WASH LAUNDROMAT

Now here’s a multitask for you: get drunk, listen to good music, and wash your clothes. Only one spot in the city where that’s a go — and to celebrate the lineup of fresh tunes and clean threads, Brain Wash Laundromat is offering $1 Pabst during happy hour and $3 wine glasses all the time. Drop by for its acoustic open mic nights Tuesdays at 7 p.m.

1122 Folsom, SF. (415) 861-3363. www.brainwash.com

BEAN BAG CAFE

Not only does this sunny, warm café serve the most bangingest breakfast burrito and plethora of bean blends in the city, the folks there have a soft spot for the low-income set. Bean Bag proves it with $1.75 Stella Artois and 21st Amendment beers on tap; just the ticket for easing your way through that mid-afternoon caffeine-booze transition. Just don’t spill on the laptop and you’re golden, you pillar of the community, you.

Bean Bag Café. 601 Divisadero, SF. (415) 563-3634 *

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How to fight foreclosure

By Caitlin Donohue

You’ve finally found your dream home, an apartment so well-loved even you can afford it. You settled in, cleaned the carpet, set the mouse traps … and then the eviction notice arrives: your landlord’s been foreclosed on. And the bank that owns the place now wants you out.

It’s happening a lot in this city, where tenants get caught in the financial meltdown through no fault of their own. But don’t panic: in most San Francisco buildings, foreclosure isn’t a legal grounds for eviction. But you’ll have to stand up for your rights.

Here’s what the San Francisco Tenants Union advises:

If you sense your landlord’s at the brink of foreclosure, watch for telltale signs: realtors checking out the property or repairs that go unresolved. Keep in mind that lack of money is no defense for maintaining property, so call the Department of Building Inspections at 415-558-6200 for help with holding property-owners to their repair responsibilities.

Once the eviction notice due to foreclosure arrives, find out if you are covered by rent control. If you aren’t (if your rental was built after 1979 then you definitely aren’t) the bank has the power to evict you within 90 days. If you do have rent control, you have eviction protection. This means the bank can’t evict you or raise your rent.

Unfortunately, the bank might not know that if it’s based outside the city or state. Ignore the letters to vacate and contact the bank of its property agent directly to let them know you have protection. Then file a wrongful eviction petition with the SF Rent Board, which also handles cases from Oakland, Berkeley and West Palo Alto (forms available at the office at 25 Van Ness, SF or online at www.sfgov.org/rentboard).

Rent control or no, landlords can only collect rent on foreclosed properties until the deed of trust has gone to the bank. Determine who has control of your property to avoid paying rent twice. This information is available at the City Assessor’s Office at 415-554-7915. Send letters to the bank and to your landlord saying you have the money but don’t know who to pay. Until you can determine who has control, don’t pay rent.

For more resources, check out SF Tenants’ Union Web site at www.sftu.org.

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Avoid check-cashing fees

By Caitlin Donohue

ATM charges, big old monthly fees, frustrating commercials — oh Lord, save us from these banks! But you can’t live without ’em either — the average unbanked American spends 5 percent of his or her income at the check-casher. In San Francisco, we drop a total of $40 million a year accessing our own money — not to mention how much goes toward money order fees.

Enter the Bank of San Francisco, the mayor’s brainchild that allows city residents to open a checking or savings account for $5 a month or less. The bank is open to those without Social Security numbers as well as residents who have a poor record with accounts in the past. Go to www.bankonsf.org for more information on the program, or keep an eye peeled for one of the 140 participating city banks that have a “Bank on SF” sign in their window. There’s no reason to pay check-cashing fees any more.

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Food so cheap, it’s free

Let’s level here: how broke are you? Two-for-one beers and discounted oysters are all well and good for the casually unmonied, but there are times when one needs a real deal on nutrition — like, food that really is free. If we’ve got your number, here’s the Web site for you: www.freeprintshop.org, whose printable calendar lists 20 organizations that dish up meals open to all comers, including Food Not Bombs’ vegetarian dinners, which are served four times a week in U.N. Plaza. Free Print Shop gets the posthumous thumbs-up from Abraham Maslow: the up-to-date info on shelters, mental health, and neighborhood resources in the city has the bottom tier of your hierarchy of needs covered. Except for maybe the sex part; that might be another Web site. (Caitlin Donohue)

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Inner peace, by donation

It is said that whenever Buddha would speak to an audience that had not yet recognized him as their spiritual teacher, he would first expound on the concept of dana, or giving. If the listeners were unable to grasp this basic principle, he knew they weren’t ready for the Four Noble Truths.

Would that all yoga studios were this enlightened. I mean, $20 for 90 minutes of inner peace?

We are lucky that with a little bit of looking one can find financially accessible ayurveda even here, in the city of yoga-yuppies. Case in point: Yoga to the People, whose beautiful new Mission District studio (and fixture Berkeley location) offers three classes a day by donation, some of them by candlelight and all of them dana approved. And they’re not the only ones. Here’s a list of places that will relieve that tension you’ve been holding, including the strain in your wallet. (Caitlin Donohue)

YOGA TO THE PEOPLE

Class schedule online, donations

2673 16th St., SF

64 Shattuck, Berkeley

www.yogatothepeople.com

GREY AREA FOUNDATION FOR THE ARTS

Mondays, 6-7:30 p.m., donations

55 Taylor, SF

www.gaffta.org

SPORTS BASEMENT

Sundays, 1-2:30 p.m., free

1590 Bryant, SF

(415) 575-3000

LAUGHING LOTUS

Mon.-Fri. 2:30–3:45 p.m., donations

3261 16th St., SF

(415) 335-1600

www.laughinglotus.com

SATORI YOGA STUDIO

Mondays, 4:15– 5:15 p.m., free

40 First St., SF

(415) 618-0418

www.satoriyogastudio.com

PURUSHA YOGA

Saturdays, 11 a.m., free

Main entrance of Botanical Gardens

Golden Gate Park

Ninth Ave. and Lincoln Way, SF

(415) 694-8412

www.purushayoga.org

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Learning to love the rec centers

With free gyms, darkrooms, and play areas, city rec centers may be the athlete (or artist’s) answer to the bum economy

By Molly Freedenberg

I’ve always though of recreation centers as places where kids took cheap summer camp classes or attended awkward junior high school dances. But these city-funded centers are actually some of the coolest, most affordable, and least appreciated resources any community has to offer — and especially so in San Francisco.

From weight rooms and basketball courts to dance studios, dog parks, and performance-ready auditoriums, SF’s neighborhood centers offer a variety of resources for budget-conscious adults as well as their kids. Use of most facilities is free (or, on rare occasions, costs a nominal fee) and classes and workshops are priced low with a sliding scale and scholarship option.

Why does the city allocate $34.5 million in general fund support to maintain these centers every year? According to Elton Pon, spokesperson for the Recreation and Park Department (which also oversees public spaces like Golden Gate Park and Coit Tower), “they keep the city sane.”

We’ve outlined the resources at some of our favorite centers, but check parks.sfgov.org for a full list, sfreconline.org for programs, or call (415) 831-5520 for information on renting rec center buildings.

CHINESE RECREATION CENTER

This Nob Hill neighborhood center caters primarily to youth in Chinatown, which is most apparent weekdays after 3 p.m. when its gym areas fill up with teenage boys. But everyone can enjoy volleyball, basketball, and even dance in its indoor gym, outdoor hoops, and mini weight room. The secret to getting some grown-up time? Visit early on weekdays or after 7 p.m.

1199 Mason. (415) 292-2017

EUREKA VALLEY REC CENTER

Well-maintained and recently renovated, this Castro District facility is a favorite for its resources and fantastic location (there’s a grocery store right next door, not to mention the full Castro shopping corridor a block away). Parents love that the indoor and outdoor play areas are especially good for toddlers. Dog-owners love the enclosed dog run. Sporty adults appreciate that the basketball court is regularly relacquered, while event planners focus on the auditorium with raised stage and 70-seat capacity. Special bonuses? An LGBT Teen Center and an especially girl-friendly gym scene.

100 Collingwood. (415) 831-6810

HARVEY MILK ARTS CENTER

Geared more toward artists than athletes, this recently reopened center in Duboce Park is a dream-come-true for creative-leaning folks on a budget. With dark room, dance studio, costume room, meeting spaces, and variety of other opportunities, HMAC is a fantastic and affordable alternative to adult education courses, expensive dance studios, and booked-up theater spaces.

50 Scott. (415) 554-9523

MISSION REC CENTER

This hidden gem, often overlooked by athletes headed to Mission Cliffs, offers everything your K-12 schools did — without the homework or early call-time. Mission Rec provides a weight area, ping pong tables, squash courts, a dance studio (complete with floor-to-ceiling mirrors and enclosed storage space), basketball court, outdoor playground area, and a full auditorium with stage and curtains (and food prep area).

2450 Harrison. (415) 695-5014

POTRERO HILL REC CENTER

Most people notice the baseball fields first — a full-block expanse of green, grassy oasis in the center of what’s still mostly an industrial area. But this city property also offers a well-maintained indoor basketball court, recently revamped playground, decent tennis courts (though lights rarely work), and a dog-friendly area that notoriously extends to the rest of the park when games aren’t in session. Not feeling sporty? Check out the infamous mural of O.J. Simpson (who apparently used to frequent the park as a kid) or the fantastic view of the city and the bridge from the south/southeast end of the park.

801 Arkansas. (415) 695-5009

RICHMOND REC CENTER

Catering primarily to the very young and the very old, people in the middle can certainly appreciate this classic neighborhood meeting spot. Play badminton, volleyball, or take advantage of the dance studio (where many city dance programs are held). Or just people-watch: weekdays are great for spying toddlers in the big indoor play area or quieter play-and-craft spot; weekends are when older Asian ping pong masters take over.

251 18th Ave. (415) 666-7020

UPPER NOE REC CENTER

Newish, bright, and clean, this well-loved and well-funded facility also is one of the few with its own Web site (hosted by friends of the Noe Valley Recreation Center). The bright, shiny spot offers indoor and outdoor basketball courts, a playground, baseball field, tennis court, dog park, and (according to parents-in-the-know), an inordinately nice sandbox. Indeed, this spot is known for being especially good for babies and toddlers. Another bonus? A multipurpose room that can be rented for small events features an A/V system, stage area with upgraded theater curtains, and a large movie screen with a projector.

30th Sreet, west of Church. (415) 695-5011. www.noevalleyreccenter.com