Comics Archives — Page 9 of 12 — San Francisco Bay Guardian Archive 1966

Tying one on with Dave Attell

Andrew Lam

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March 5, 2010

Dave Attell had my dream job. In the Comedy Central series, Insomniac, from 2001-2004, Attell took the typical travel show concept and gave it a degenerate edge, showcasing the people and places that come alive in towns across the country after midnight. The show was a smash hit in its own right… but I think he’s tired of talking about it now. So more importantly, he’s a super sharp stand up comedian with a rather dead pan manner and a knack for making hecklers feel like fools. He rocks the USO circuit on the regular, but he’s doing a civilian show on a stage near you shortly (Fri/12 & Sat/13, Cobb’s Comedy Club). He asked me to let y’all know that he’ll be performing new materials- so all the real comedy fans, come out and play.

San Francisco Bay Guardian: So we’re all really stoked you’re coming to San Francisco…

Dave Attell: I love SF. That’s where I started headlining. That’s probably where I’m going to end headlining, too. I have nothing but good thoughts about SF- even though now that it’s all fancy and PC it’s not as fun anymore, everyone knows that.

SFBG: How long have you been doing standup?

DA: Twenty years.

SFBG: Oh yeah, some change has gone down then. The thing I keep reading about you is that you’re a comedian’s comedian. What does that even mean?

DA: It means you can’t act. I can’t. I’m a horrible actor. I like jokes, I like writing jokes. But yeah, I don’t really know what that means. It’s a compliment, I hope.

SFBG: Has your comedy matured/grown over time? New themes?

DA: That’s a great question and the answer is no. Being in your mid forties and still talking about drinking and porn, I’d say the answer is no. I’m a good comic, not a great comic.

SFBG: Who, in your eyes, are?

DA: There are so many great comics. Everyone says Richard Pryor, George Carlin, which is true. The longer I do comedy, I realize it’s hard to always come to the table enthused. Bill Hicks, who was an amazing, important part of SF comedy. He was another guy who was ahead of the curve. But I’m nothing like those guys, I go for dirty humor. I can spread the word about them, though! There’s so many new guys- and I know people don’t like dragging their ass out to a new club, but that’s how it’s supposed to be done, club experiences. Cobb’s is a club where you do that, where you can bring out the new material, it’s great. Every year or so I check in at Cobb’s.

SFBG: I have to tell you, I have a not so secret dream to be a travel show host. I loved Insomniac, was that a fun project to work on?

DA: Yes. But I’m too old to be a travel show host, I’m a has been. I encourage you to go out and do it, though. We need to see a woman’s perspective. I would go to the Middle East. It’s rough out there, but there’s a few places where you can party. Abu Dhabi and Dubai. It’d be a lot of money, but…

SFBG: Dubai! All I always hear about are those apartment islands they’ve built in the shape of the continents.

DA: Well their economy is in the shitter too, so they’re not building land masses anymore. It’s weird for people who fear God to act like God. Building the earth, isn’t that his job?

“I realize it’s hard to always come to the table enthused.”

SFBG: Were the cities featured ones you were familiar with before the show? How’d you scout the locations and people you talked to?

DA: I mean, it wasn’t magic. It was hit a bar, talk to folks, get a couple shots, roll out. The part no one talks about is the late night jobs. There’s a lot of shows that focus on different jobs now, but I think we were unique on that.

SFBG: Were there any jobs you featured that you could see yourself doing?

DA: Not the coal mine. I hate being trapped. The coal miners have these sleds that go into the mountain, and then after twelve hours they pull them out. I have serious claustrophobia, couldn’t do that. I’m not a big fan of the water either, so not the ocean jobs. Of course, [we did the show] back when there still were jobs.

SFBG: I hear you are a fixture on the USO circuit. What’s that like?

DA: Ah good, a new topic. I’ve done four shows in Iraq, five in Afghanistan. I don’t know if they’re going to want me back, I’m kind of dirty. But really, it’s hard for the troops because it’s really boring, but really, really dangerous. You get a perspective on what these people do and how cool they are. Everybody talks about how “amazing” they are, but they keep it low key, do their jobs, and then come back for more- some of these guys are doing second, third tours of duty. The Olympics, they fill you with pride, but the army… it does, more.

SFBG: Lots of different acts do the USO tour, right? Were you traveling with, like, a bunch of cheerleaders as well?

DA: Being in the USO, you get to see a lot of other acts. The last one I did was with Billy Ray Cyrus. We never would have met otherwise. The thing is there’s USO stuff going on all over the world and the people that do it are really, really cool. The USO has a small budget, its not a government thing, it’s privately funded. I mean, I’m really a nobody in that scene. Robin Williams, Dane Cook, they do it. That’s amazing. The troops, they’re in the dirt, the mud- and all of sudden they look up, and there’s a star.

SFBG: Do you have family that were in the military?

DA: My dad was in the Navy, he told me some great stories. He wasn’t a career man though. Retail was his real calling, him being a Jew.

SFBG: How’d you get into the USO gig?

DA: Why wouldn’t I? I’m too old to fight. I’m lucky to have the opportunity to go over there and do it. These are the times we live in. This is what we do during a war on terror, whether it’s wrong or right. It comes down to; either we have to end the war or I need to get more material.

SFBG: Or we need to get the draft going, new audiences, right?

DA: Right. What we should do, all the people that lose on the Biggest Loser, we should send out there. We should say ‘you can go on this show, but if you lose you have to go to war.’

SFBG: Or how about all the reality shows! There’s your draft.

DA: Right.

And so! Dave Attell and I = Problem. Solved.

Fri/12 & Sat/13, 8 p.m. & 10:30 p.m., $35.50

Cobb’s Comedy Club

915 Columbus, SF

(415) 928-4320

www.cobbscomedyclub.com

A brief meditation on erotic comics (slightly NSFW)

Jesse Hawthorne Ficks

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February 12, 2010

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The Kinky Comic Carnival was held at S&M cafe Wicked Grounds a couple Saturdays ago. Comic book fanatics, stimulated by both caffeine and visual erotica, swarmed in unexpected numbers to meet local creative talents that included Ted Naifeh (Courtney Crumren), Justin Hall (Glamzonia, the Uncanny Super Tranny), Serena Valentino (Gloom Cookie), Greta Christina (Best Erotic Comics), Tristan Crane (How Loathesome), and Storm (Princess Witch Boy). The crowd was a mix of committed comicphiles, local kink enthusiasts, passerbys intrigued by the fuss, and confused SOMA-ites who just wanted their coffee.

The eroticism of a comic book is a rather ambivalent one. First, to eroticize a comic book character requires a leap of imagination that most people cannot take; I blame it on the lack of a third dimension. Second, at face value, comics just don’t seem that sexual in the age of gonzo porn. The Victorians liked their quaint pornographic drawings, but then came the moving picture and the drawings became antiquated collector’s items, ancient history. Finally, we are warned that those who read comics after a certain age invariably morph into basement-dwelling creeps. The belief persists that comics block production of potent growth hormones and can prolong an adolescence like nothing else. (They should market that.)

Fans of the genre couldn’t disagree more. For them, the syncretism of X-rated adult content with G-rated comic form represents an appealing erotic alternative to the constraints of real life. Comic book fans like comic books because they represent an escape from mundane 3-D reality. Because their fantasies exist outside the literal world, comic book porn — the exaggerated drawings, crazy sound effects (in a Justin Hall comic, fellatio is accompanied the onomatopoetic “BAM!”), and benevolent deux ex machina who always gets the good guy/gal laid — could not be further from everyday sex. Unharnessing the Id? You don’t have to be a comic book collector to acknowledge the tantalizing possibilities.

Snow patrol

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February 3, 2010

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FILM The snowiest Sundance Film Festival in recent memory was also perhaps the best. Despite continued economic woes (which peaked exactly when most of this year’s films were in or entering production), somehow the general caliber of work seemed to be on an uptick.

Of course that didn’t mean distributors were snapping up titles à la days of yore — the festival was practically at midpoint before a first deal was made — and like last year, the general level of hype and hysteria was comparatively muted. (No complaints there.) A weekday walk up Main Street was almost like an ordinary day, without the usual crush of slow-moving industry types in inappropriate footwear shrilling “Omigod it’s SO COLD!!”

Trying out multiple opening night programs for the first time, Sundance started with a big dose of SF talent: peerless veteran documentarians Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Friedman’s first narrative feature Howl, which is not so much a biographical drama about Allen Ginsberg (played by James Franco) as a complex meditation on the history, content, and significance of his legendary, taboo-breaking 1955 poem. Opinions were all over the map about a movie with extensive interpretive animation as well as more conventional elements, but I found its ambition and imagination energizing.

Otherwise, the dramatic competition was a very mixed bag. Probably most praised was Derek Cianfrance’s Blue Valentine, with Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams as a working-class couple seen at the beginning and dead-end of their relationship. Yes, it was finely observed and performed — but I couldn’t get into spending two hours with two people who obviously never should have gotten together in the first place.

Among high-profile, noncompeting premieres, the starry likes of fun but uninspired rock biopic The Runaways and The Romantics — Galt Niederhoffer unnecessarily filling the Trust Fund Ensemble Dramedy gap left by Whit Stillman’s evaporation — paled against the much stronger meat of festival flashpoint The Killer Inside Me.

Michael Winterbottom’s first real American feature, the latest version of Jim Thompson’s classic pulp noir, starred Casey Affleck as a 1950s Texas deputy who no one (at first) realizes is a class-A sociopath and psychotic. The violence against women (like Jessica Alba and Kate Hudson) appalled many — but why don’t people protest movies that turn carnage into a cartooned family entertainment (like last year’s 2012), then get all bent when one makes brutality genuinely upsetting?

As usual, the strongest category overall was U.S. documentaries, with outstanding entries including My Kid Could Paint That (2007), director Amir Bar-Lev’s The Tillman Story — about the shocking propagandic distortion of a NFL player-turned-Army enlistee’s friendly-fire death. Equally strong on related themes were Restrepo, which embeds us with an Army unit in a remote Afghan Taliban stronghold; and The Oath, Al-Qaeda viewed through the prism of Osama bin Laden’s former bodyguard and driver.

An overlooked gem was Robin Hessman’s My Perestroika, about the last generation to get full Soviet indoctrination, only to reach adulthood just as the entire republic collapsed. By contrast, there was a stampede to Catfish, a creepy, hilarious, finally poignant illustration of people who need to create deceptive alternative identities via such fib-friendly forums as Facebook. Another pleasing surprise was Entourage star Adrien Grenier’s Teenage Paparazzo, which transcends the cute-disturbing portraiture of its 13-year-old title figure to explore the deeper societal meanings of celebrity culture.

Some international highlights were the Polish punk-youth-meets-Solidarity flashback All That I Love; U.K. bad-taste comedy (i.e. terrorism for laughs) Four Lions; and Danish documentary The Red Chapel, in which “cultural exchange” stand-up comics get behind North Korea’s still-thick Iron Curtain.

Last but not least, the midnight section offered pleasures guilty and otherwise, as well as some celluloid pain we won’t identify here. Bill Craig’s uneven but frequently hilarious Tucker and Dale vs. Evil reversed the usual horror formula — here, nubile vacationing college kids terrorize the local rednecks.

Not very funny at all (or quite apt for the genre-oriented midnight category) was Rodrigo Cortez’s Buried, 94 minutes of Ryan Reynolds in a box — playing a non-security civilian contract worker in Iraq who’s kidnapped, buried in a coffin, and given a low-battery cellphone and two hours to raise a huge ransom. Starting in total darkness, this movie sets your nerves jangling even before there’s an actual image. It is scary, surprisingly cinematic, and doesn’t lack for sharp political commentary.

Kinky Comic Carnival will get fingers sticky

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January 28, 2010

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By Amber Schadewald

Justin Hall’s Hard To Swallow will go nicely with a Wicked Grounds mocha — extra whip, of course

Surprising, unsettling, naughty and quite nice, kinky comics are way more fun than the traditional cats in the daily papers. Whether you’re already a fan or instantly curious at the thought, the Kinky Comics Carnival is the perfect place to entertain your illustrated fantasies. Charm local comic creators, grab their goods, and beg for an autograph while sipping lattes among a stellar lineup of pervy cartoonist-types like Serena Valentino (Gloom Cookie), Ted Naifeh (Courtney Crumrin), Tristan Crane (How Loathsome) and Greta Christina (Best Erotic Comics).

Award-winning comic book creator Justin Hall will be in attendance, toting works such as Glamazonia the Uncanny Super Tranny and the gay porn Hard To Swallow Comics. Storm, an SF artist and doll shaman will showcase copies of his mini-comic Princess Witch Boy and his goth-art dolls. Men to ladies, queer and straight, the event should tickle every fancy with an array of art exploring gender, relationships, identity, and of course, all kinds of sex. Fairies, sea monsters, bondage fantasies, and superhero fetishes are drawn and explored, daring all eyes for a steamy read.

The event is hosted by Wicked Grounds, San Francisco’s first and only kink café and boutique known for stimulating customers far beyond any Starbucks experience. The pansexual establishment invites customers to swallow a high-end brew, peek at some porn with the wifi, and shop the assortment of erotic literature and titillating toys. The Comics Carnival is sure to lure in some sexy customers and more than a few items for bedtime reading.

Kinky Comic Carnival
Saturday, January 30th, 2-5pm, free
Wicked Grounds
289 Eighth St., SF
www.wickedgrounds.com
See the Kinky Comics Carnival page on Facebook

Shopping

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January 5, 2010

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BEST INDEPENDENT BOOKSTORE; BEST USED BOOKSTORE

Green Apple

With thousands of dirt-cheap books, CDs, and DVDs, Green Apple is worth visiting for the witty staff picks alone.

506 Clement, SF. (415) 387-2272, www.greenapplebooks.com

Best Independent Bookstore runners up: Books, Inc., City Lights

Best Used Bookstore runners up: Dog-Eared Books, Aardvark

BEST COMIC BOOK STORE

Isotope

Mainstream comics are represented at Isotope, but its raison d’être is small-press, independent, and self-published varieties.

326 Fell, SF. (415) 621-6543, www.isotopecomics.com

Runners up: Whatever, Al’s Comics

BEST MAGAZINE SELECTION

Fog City News

Nibble designer chocolates while you sift through a staggering selection of magazines, including more than 700 foreign titles.

455 Market, SF. (415) 543-7400, www.fogcitynews.com

Runners up: Issues, Farley’s

BEST SPECIALTY BOOKSELLER

Borderlands

This Mission District shop, specializing in fantasy, horror, and science fiction, hosts an author nearly every week.

866 Valencia, SF. (415) 824-8203, www.borderlands-books.com

Runners up: Babylon Falling, Get Lost

BEST PLACE TO BUY VINYL; BEST PLACE TO BUY CDS

Amoeba Music

A Bay Area institution, Amoeba features a formidable vinyl collection and bargain bins overflowing with cheap used CDs.

1855 Haight, SF. (415) 831-1200; 2455 Telegraph, Berk. (510) 549-1125; www.amoeba.com

Best Place to Buy Vinyl runners up: Grooves, Open Mind

Best Place to Buy CDs runners up: Rasputin, Streetlight Records

BEST PLACE TO RENT MOVIES

Le Video

Conceived when the Parisian owner couldn’t find the cult and foreign films she craved, Le Video is known for its large, eclectic inventory.

1231 Ninth Ave., SF. (415) 566-3606, www.levideo.com

Runners up: Lost Weekend, Faye’s

BEST CLOTHING STORE (WOMEN)

Ambiance

Ambiance junkies love the store’s dedicated staff and massive selection, stretching across several budget octaves and featuring brands like Free People, BCBG, and Betsey Johnson.

1458 Haight, SF. (415) 552-5095; 3985 24th St., SF. (415) 647-7144; 1864 Union, SF. (415) 923-9797;

Runners up: Crossroads Trading Co., Brownies Vintage

www.ambiancesf.com

BEST CLOTHING STORE (MEN)

Indie Industries

The pared-down Berkeley storefront features prints, graphic tees, hoodies, and dresses by in-house artisans, plus anime-inspired kitsch.

2003 Milvia, Berk. (510) 549-3285, www.indieindustries.com

Runners up: Cable Car Clothiers, Five and Diamond

BEST CLOTHING STORE (KIDS)

Chloe’s Closet

Visit Chloe’s for the big selection, sweet Bernal Heights location, and homey atmosphere that’s earned it accolades four years running.

451 Cortland, SF. (415) 642-3300, www.chloescloset.com

Runners up: Little Fish, Pumpkin

BEST LOCAL DESIGNER

Nicacelly: Best Local Designer
GUARDIAN PHOTO BY MATTHEW REAMER

Nicacelly

Nicacelly’s designs are as colorful and eclectic as San Francisco itself — imagine a schizophrenic geisha sightseeing in Thailand while moonlighting as a hip-hop DJ. You can find her styles at True, Upper Playground, and Density, among other locations.

www.nicacelly.com

Runners up: Linda Pham, Sunhee Moon

BEST VINTAGE CLOTHING STORE

Brownies Vintage

Brownies has an unusual specialty: deadstock vintage that’s never been washed or worn. The unassuming shop also carries new styles by local and independent designers.

2001 Milvia, Berk. (510) 548-5955, www.brownies-vintage.com

Runners up: La Rosa, Painted Bird

BEST THRIFT STORE

Thrift Town

Thrift Town’s not your tame little vintage boutique — it’s a massive beast of a thrift store, with a huge selection and dizzyingly low prices.

2101 Mission, SF. (415) 861-1132, www.thrifttown.com

Runners up: Community Thrift, Out of the Closet

BEST SHOE STORE

Shoe Biz

If Kelly of YouTube fame were to shop at any of these footwear outlets, he/she could have only one response: these shoes rule.

1446 Haight, SF. (415) 864-0990; 877 Valencia, SF. (415) 550-8655; 3810 24th St., SF. (415) 821-2528,

www.shoebizsf.com

Runners up: Gimme Shoes, Rabat

BEST FURNITURE STORE

Propeller

Propeller mixes whimsy, beauty, and function in its showroom, featuring items like ceramic deer-head wall hangings, a chair made to look duct-taped, and dishes that look like they’re in motion.

555 Hayes, SF. (415) 701-7767, www.propellermodern.com

Runners up: Zonal, Monument

BEST VINTAGE FURNITURE STORE

Monument

Perfect for buying your home’s centerpiece item or simply getting inspiration, Monument has an impressive selection of modern and deco furniture.

572 Valencia, SF. (415) 861-9800, www.monument.1stdibs.com

Runners up: The Apartment, X-21

BEST FLEA MARKET

Alemany Flea Market

Smaller than Alameda’s but more charming, the Sunday Alemany market is a haven for hipsters seeking ironic art, vintage housewares, old tools, and antique art-projects-to-be.

100 Alemany, SF. (415) 647-2043

Runners up: Alameda, Ashby

BEST HARDWARE STORE

Cole Hardware

Friendly staff, an impressive selection, and convenient locations have made this independently owned shop a Bay Area favorite since 1920.

956 Cole, SF. (415) 753-2653; 3312 Mission, SF. (415) 647-8700; 70 Fourth St., SF. (415) 777-4400

2254 Polk, SF. (415) 674-8913; www.colehardware.com

Runners up: Brownie’s, Cliff’s

BEST INDEPENDENT TOY STORE

Ambassador Toys

A wonderland of toys, puzzles, coloring books, vintage race cars, collectible dolls, and other unique gifts for kids, Ambassador further charms shoppers with free gift wrapping.

186 West Portal, SF. (415) 759-8697; 2 Embarcadero Center, lobby level, SF.

(415) 345-8697, www.ambassadortoys.com

Runners up: The Ark, Mr. Mopps

BEST SHOP FOR PARENTS-TO-BE

Natural Resources

Encouraging mindfulness in pregnancy and child rearing, Natural Resources is an eco-boutique as well as an educational resource.

1367 Valencia, SF. (415) 550-2611, www.naturalresourcesonline.com

Runners up: Day One, Chloe’s Closet

BEST PET SHOP

Bernal Beast

Locals love Bernal Beast’s courteous staff, merchandise selection, unique treats (antlers as a chew toy!), and fantastic raw food section.

509 Cortland, SF. (415) 643-7800, www.bernalbeast.com

Runners up: Best in Show, Noe Valley Pet Co.

BEST QUIRKY SPECIALTY STORE

Paxton Gate

A more eclectic selection of bones, stones, taxidermy, rare plants, and oddball collectibles than Paxton’s could only exist in a gothic novel.

824 Valencia, SF. (415) 824-1872, www.paxtongate.com

Runners up: Heartfelt, Wishbone

BEST SPORTING GOODS STORE

Sports Basement

Whether it’s yoga mats, running shorts, tennis rackets, or basketballs you need, this is the place to get them — and often at warehouse prices.

1590 Bryant, SF. (415) 575-3000; 610 Mason, SF. (415) 437-0100; www.sportsbasement.com

Runners up: See Jane Run, Lombardi’s

BEST PLACE TO BUY CAMPING GEAR

REI

It’s difficult to find a retailer with a better selection of outdoor gear, from trek shoes to white-water rafting oars — and the return policy for members is unmatched.

840 Brannan, SF. (415) 934-1938, www.rei.com

Runners up: Sports Basement, Wilderness Exchange

BEST PLACE TO BUY BIKES AND GEAR

Mike’s Bikes

Mike’s does sell bikes and gear, but it’s best known and loved for its knowledgeable, reliable, and friendly service staff.

1233 Howard, SF. (415) 241-2453, www.mikesbikes.com Valencia Cyclery, American Cyclery

BEST ECO-FRIENDLY RETAILER

Rainbow Grocery

Featuring organic produce at good prices, natural bath and body products, and a selection of vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free, and other specialty items, Rainbow pleases a full spectrum of shoppers.

1745 Folsom, SF. (415) 863-0620, www.rainbowgrocery.org

Runners up: Elephant Pharmacy, Spring

Shopping — Editors Picks

BEST SUI, SHARP AND SWEET

Sui Generis: Best Sui, Sharp and Sweet
GUARDIAN PHOTO BY SAMANTHA BERG

Despite the vast numbers of stylish males who haunt our fair burg, shopping for menswear in San Francisco can be a real downer. You’re either pummeled with dopey high-end “designer” street labels à la G-Star or forced to piece together a credible look from scattershot resale sources — not a bad option in itself, except that every other subculturally fashion-conscious Y-chromosomer is usually elbowing you out of the way to get to the good stuff. Enter Sui Generis, a boutique of impeccably vetted men’s vintage wear on Church Street (another location, featuring dressier consignment duds, recently opened on Market Street). The Generis gentlemen hand-select a dossier of ultrasharp hand-me-down duds that poke the up-on-it eye with longing — rare and perfect tees, plaids of fondest dreams, jeans that scream “do me,” fedoras, scarves, footwear, more — and force us to re-evaluate our look every time we glance up at its display windows. A good thing, then, that Sui’s also manageably affordable. And one-of-a-kind cache is part of the value: no chance of running into your twin from Rolo or Nomads, here.

218 Church, SF. (415) 436-9661; 2265 Market, SF. (415) 437-2265, www.myspace.com/suigeneris_sfo

BEST PLACE TO FIND RARE NUTS

Sure, Valencia Cyclery has a whole store full of bikes, locks, tools, lubricants, and clothes at their 1077 Valencia showroom, but what makes them so magical is the 1065 Valencia repair shop. They opened in 1985, which means if you need a roller cam on an early Suntour mountain bike brake, a rebuild kit for a Sturmey Archer 3 speed hub, or just a hard-to-find nut with an odd thread pitch, you’re stoked. The back rooms have shelves and drawers full of every imaginable wingding and doohickey for your two-wheeled best friend — and if what you need isn’t there, the manager will order it. The mechanics are actually people you’d trust to work on your bike, not ham-handed hacks with their thumbs on backwards. And best of all, they explain things in plain English, not cooler-than-thou biker-ese.

1065 and 1077 Valencia, SF. (415) 550-6600, www.valenciacyclery.com

Sara Brownell and Nici Williams of
Brew Holster Cult: Best Beer Helmet
GUARDIAN PHOTO BY SAMANTHA BERG

BEST BEER HELMET UPGRADE

You’d think hipsters would’ve come up with an answer to beer helmets ages ago. But it wasn’t until saucy AC/DShe rock ‘n’ roll vixens Nici and Sarah began to face technical tippling difficulties at their shows — including drenched T-shirts and wet amps — that the Brew Holster was born. The studded leather gun sling, created by the girls in their backyard chop shop, kept the rockers’ drinks close and off their clothes while still looking badass. So how to join the Brew Holster Cult? Simply buy one off the Web site and wear it to backyard BBQs, outdoor concerts, all-night barhops, or wherever you need to rock out with your cock out or jam out with your clam out — without losing your booze. Brew it to it!

www.brewholstercult.com

BEST FARM-FRESH FASHION

Quaint, antique- and decor-store-lined Jackson Square got a little chicer — and a little more fashionista-friendly — when Carrots moved into the gracious hood. Sisters Melissa and Catie Grimm named their sublime boutique, tongue firmly placed in cheek, after the petite veggies that built their family’s business, Grimmway. Yet we couldn’t be further from the farm amid Carrots’ lofty yet elegant, European-inspired mix of antiques and industrial decor touches. Visitors are welcome to sip an espresso beneath the zinc 19th-century chandelier while browsing the wares of such covetable young designers as Thakoon, Stella McCartney, Narcisco Rodriguez, Vanessa Bruno, and Peter Som. Men can also find fashion respite courtesy of such desirables as Band of Outsiders, Obedient Sons, and Rag & Bone. The free mini carrot-cake cupcake isn’t your only reward for stopping by and discovering the ideal piece.

843 Montgomery, SF. (415) 834-9040, www.sfcarrots.com

BEST ONE-STOP MAELSTROM OF METAL

Chances are, if you’re at all familiar with the Bay Area metal scene, you’ve crossed paths with Shaxul, proprietor of Shaxul Records. In addition to distributing and releasing local and rare metal albums, Shaxul hosts a monthly radio show on KUSF (all-metal, natch) and runs a snug storefront on Haight Street, boldly perched opposite the megasize Amoeba Records. The walls are black and decorated with all manner of posters and T-shirts (including a particularly rad High on Fire tee that is sold out on every Internet vendor you might think of). The shelves are packed with vinyl (them things you put on a record player, kids!), CDs, DVDs, and more. And you ain’t gonna find no wimpy selections here: Shaxul almost exclusively stocks bands with names that’d scare your grandma, with brutal sounds to match. Both current (Saros, Hammers of Misfortune, Asunder) and classic (Death, Exodus, Testament) acts are well represented. Emo kids stay home! Everyone else, horns up.

1816 Haight, SF. (415) 831-5334, www.shaxulrecords.com

BEST VOODOO NOSE CANDY

Helen Keller once said, “Smell is a potent wizard that transports you across thousands of miles and all the years you have lived.” Which may be true, but she forgot to add that it can also be used to accumulate money, secure a long life, and get back at your ex for blowing your housemate. The aromatic candles, incense, and powders at Yoruba Botanica, a Santeria store in the Mission District, have been imbued with a potent form of South American sorcery, so choose your scents wisely. You don’t want to mistakenly buy a death candle for your arthritic grandmother, or some romance dust for your creepy bi-curious roommate. A consultation with one of the women who run Yoruba Botanica will ensure you get the correct smell for your purposes. And for a small fee, they’ll take you in back, read your fortune, and maybe even tell you how to score more ass.

998 Valencia, SF. (415) 826-4967

BEST NOMADIC HIPSTER BOUTIQUE

The Mission Indie Mart, a roaming thrift store, local design showcase, and barbecue that takes place monthly in backyards and at dive bars throughout the Mission District was dreamt up by Kelly Malone, a tattooed hipster chick with three lifelong obsessions: DIY fashion, hard drinking, and good times. Sadly, while her hobbies did wonders for her social life, they caused quite a stir at the Gap, where Malone had been working for more than 10 years. So she set up her own business. Her brainchild has become a staple of Mission dwelling: a monthly opportunity to mingle with artists, musicians, fashion designers, misfits, and fall-down drunks like the founder herself, whose hourly announcements at MIM evolve throughout the day from straightforward information to inebriated performance art. Her best line to date: “The bathrooms are in the back, the T-shirts are in the corner, and the vodka is in my belly. Now come on stage and let’s get naked, bitches. Wooo!”

www.indie-mart.com

BEST BONBON BAR

Charlie’s chocolate factory may be pure fiction, but Miette Confisserie is pure magic. This Hayes Valley confectioner, sister to the Ferry Building’s Miette Patisserie, brings European decadence and childlike devotion to the candy-shop concept. Walls are lined floor-to-ceiling with apothecary jars filled with imported boiled sweets, Dutch licorice, saltwater taffy, fine chocolates, and buttery caramels — all of which can be packaged in custom boxes tied with satin ribbons. But you don’t have to take your treats home. Miette hosts children’s birthday parties, complete with ballerinas, storytelling, and pony rides. Not a breeder? Adults can play too, with private evening fetes featuring champagne and cotton candy. Either option is ideal, considering Miette’s decor is as winsome as its sweets: if the perfectly salted walnut shortbread doesn’t charm you, the black-and-white checkerboard floor surely will.

449 Octavia, SF. (415) 626-6221

BEST WAY TO LEAVE A PARTY WITHOUT YOUR CLOTHES

Alternative economies sound nice in political lectures at the University of California, Santa Cruz, but they rarely thrive in real life. Sure, there are little free markets that crop up in cities across the world, but they’re usually full of questionable scavengers, dirty hippies, and slumming rich kids temporarily rebelling against “the Man.” And then there’s the stuff they trade — the idea that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure just doesn’t hold water when you see the usual pile of broken plates, outdated VCRs, and defunct Web site promo T-shirts. But thanks to the hipsters behind SwapSF, one experimental trade economy seems to be working. Their secret? Alcohol and music, of course. SwapSF is a seasonal warehouse party that charges $5 and a bag of clothes for entry. It’s a small price to pay for access to dope beats, an open bar, and all the cool togs your friends bought and never wore.

www.swapsf.com.

BEST FRENCH WINE WAREHOUSE

Many people are frightened of French wine, particularly the indecipherable and austere-looking labels — but not you. When your friend goes to a Halloween costume party as an uncorked bottle of Château d’Yqem, you are savvy enough to be amused. You are also savvy enough to know where to find deals on French (and other European) wines — which can still be found despite the dollar’s collapse against the euro: The Wine House. The warehousey setting on the northern foot of Potrero Hill assures you that it’s not ambience or fancy shelving you’re paying for. The staff is knowledgeable, helpful, and friendly. And there are plenty of offerings from Burgundy, Bordeaux, and lesser-known winegrowing regions, especially those in the south of France. Many wines are priced near $5 a bottle, making them competitive with Trader Joe’s plonk. Best of all are regular case discounts, from 10 percent on up, along with occasional case specials (often on fine Côtes du Rhône) even more drastically discounted.

129 Carolina, SF. (415) 355-9463, www.winesf.com

BEST ECO-SPOT FOR NOE TOTS

Ensure the longevity of both your children and the world they’ll grow up in at Mabuhay Kids, an eco-friendly baby boutique in Noe Valley named for the Filipino phrase for “long life.” Sporting eco-friendly, safe, and stylish attire from global and local designers, Mabuhay (pronounced “ma-boo-hi”) is a must for JAKC’s organic baby blankets, Stubby Pencil Studio’s soy crayons, and much more. Why trick out your toddlers with gun-toting G.I. Joes or sweatshop OshKosh B’Gosh overalls when you can provide them with sustainably harvested rubber tree tricycles or duds from Ses Petites Mains, who make organic French fashions for little ladies? In light of massive baby product recalls, this is a shop whose wares you can trust — whether your moppet’s got ’em on her bod or in his mouth. Plus, for Noe dwellers, it’s just one biodiesel stroller ride away.

195 Church, SF. (415) 970-0369, www.mabuhaykids.com

BEST MASTERS OF MYSTERY

A bookstore that sells mysteries shouldn’t be clean and well-lighted. It should look and smell and feel like it came out of the dark streets of Victorian London. And although the San Francisco Mystery Bookstore isn’t by any means dingy or dank, it’s got that wonderful cluttered feel of a place owned by someone who loves books and tolerates a bit of chaos. There are paperback mysteries everywhere — in the shelves, on the windowsill, stacked up by the cash register, tucked away in the back. They’re brand-new, used, or very old and valuable. There are selections by famous authors and some by writers you’ve never heard of. And best of all, the people who work there are as obsessed with whodunits as we are — they seem to have read everything by everybody and are happy to talk, recommend, critique, or chat. Or are they?

4175 24th St., SF. (415) 282-7444, www.sfmysterybooks.com

BEST BARGAIN BEATER MOTORCYCLES

Bike Yard: Best Bargain Beater Motorcycles
GUARDIAN PHOTO BY SAMANTHA BERG

The Bike Yard is every would-be sick boy’s dream come true: a used bike dealership, run by Francisca Feribert, a petite German mechanic who repairs totaled motorcycles and sells ’em cheap. Surrounded by ivy-covered brick warehouses and highway overpasses, the Yard feels like a piece of the country plopped down on the east side of Potrero Hill. Motorcycles and scooters in various states of repair look like they’ve been poured into the cyclone-fenced lot, where they’ve washed up against the sides of a gypsy caravan-style wagon, a small, corrugated metal workshop, racks of tires, and a tattered, sun-bleached Winnebago — all protected by Feribert’s guard goose, Helga. This licensed dealership even handles registration and sells helmets, so you can get riding as soon as you’ve got the scrill. Plus, beaters are especially good for first-timers, who need not wreck a $1,000 ride the first time they drop it.

851 Tennessee, SF. (415) 821-3941, www.bikeyardsf.com

BEST BANANA REPUBLIC REPLACEMENT

If you like Banana Republic’s simple, well-fitting, flattering clothes but not its reputation for using child labor and cutting down old-growth forests, you’ll love Sunhee Moon. This independent local designer with a “less is more” attitude uses such high quality fabrics and tailored, classic designs that you’ll hardly bat an eyelash at the price tags (tops run between $48 and $118). Women of all body types can find basics in simple, solid colors that somehow manage to maintain a hip, San Francisco-style sensibility. These are cute, modern clothes for home-based creative types who want to feel a bit dressed up, or for professionals working in the Financial District — who are probably the people who can afford to shop here regularly. But if you’re sick of ill-fitting T-shirts and corporate-shopping guilt, an occasional splurge at Moon is well worth the sacrifice.

2059 Union; 3167 16th St.; 1833 Fillmore, SF. (415) 922-1800, www.sunheemoon.com

BEST ORGANIC GUYLINER

Whether you’re headed to Club Meat at DNA Lounge, a Fall Out Boy concert, or simply a party full of squares where you’ll be the token “edgy” guy, there’s nothing to make a man feel sexy like a smudge of black kohl around the eyes. But who wants to defile his delicate emo lids with chemical-laden mainstream makeup? Not you. That’s where Pharmaca Integrative Pharmacy comes in. This Cole Valley cosmetic emporium features shelf after shelf and wall after wall of beauty products that won’t take a toll on either the planet or your face. There’s even a male makeup artist to give you tips, as well as a dizzying array of browsing-friendly herbal remedies, magazines, and health-related tchotchkes to occupy your friends who refuse to wear guyliner. Oh, and ladies can shop here too.

925 Cole, SF. (415) 661-1216, www.pharmaca.com

BEST MID-SHOPPING RESPITE

Any savvy shopper knows you have to refuel midday if you want to hit all the sales before closing. But there’s no need to resort to food courts and burger stands. Tucked away down Claude Lane, just blocks from Union Square, is Café Claude. Dining at the clandestine café is like spending an afternoon in Paris — arguably the best shopping city in the world — and has similarly replenishing effects (without the price or carbon footprint of a flight to France). Sit inside to enjoy a daily special amid the zinc bar, period travel posters, and vintage tables all rescued from an actual Parisian café. Or refuel with soupe l’oignon, salade Niçoise, and charcuterie et fromage on the petite heated patio. Weary shoppers can also enjoy a full bar and daily happy hours from 4 to 6 p.m. After all, you might need a glass of Sancerre — or a shot of St. Germain — before you take a second glance at your receipt from Neiman Marcus.

7 Claude Lane, SF. (415) 392-3505

BEST BAGPIPE EMPORIUM

It’s likely you’ve never stepped inside Lark in the Morning, unless you’re a musician with highly specialized needs. (Bagpipe reeds? Musical saws? Chinese opera gongs? It’s got ’em.) Time to change that! Though it does most of its business via mail order and its Web site, Lark recently moved from tourist-choked Fisherman’s Wharf to cozier digs in the Mission District, where the diverse inventory of ethnic instruments covers the walls, fills floor space, and hangs from every available ceiling hook. Adventurous beginners (including kids) and pros alike can find what they need here. And unlike certain big-chain instrument stores, Lark is staffed by musicians who are excited to share their knowledge with fellow artists, budding and otherwise. Just don’t test-drive anything by playing “Smoke on the Water” or “Dueling Banjos” — the staff might have to pull a Wayne’s World on you and request a song they aren’t subjected to on a daily basis.

1453 Valencia, SF. (415) 922-4277, www.larkinthemorning.com

BEST HOUSEWARMERS FOR POETS

Like Coleridge’s “Kubla Khan” vision of a sunny pleasure dome filled with caves of ice, Rare Device, that bright little Hayes Valley shop on Market Street, exhibits gorgeous and amazing things. Things, (as the poem says, of course), of rare device. This San Francisco find is actually the sister of a Brooklyn establishment running under the same moniker, and both focus on designer objets d’art from around the world. Stop by once and your list of must-gets could go something like this: Japanese tea cups carved from single blocks of wood, a mouth-blown wine glass with an inverted stem, and a linen silk-screened pillow for your dreamy head. Things you must give as gifts range from the perplexing knitted bowl with a porcelain center to the mind-blowingly obvious bottle opener that says “open.” Well, how else are you going to pop the lid of that milk of paradise at the next housewarming party?

1845 Market, SF. (415) 863-3969, www.raredevice.net

BEST “SECRET” GARDEN

In Frances Hodgson Burnett’s The Secret Garden, it is the magic of nature, experienced privately, that transforms Mary and Colin into blossoming children. Though Vines Café is not officially a secret, the quaint coffee house and gallery’s proximity to the typically quiet Thomson’s Nursery next door seems to have a similar effect on patrons. Sitting on the patio of the converted Victorian, one might find time standing still: hummingbirds hover midair to drink nectar from red-flowered pineapple sage while bees and butterflies flit from the lavender to the lemon geraniums to the foxglove plants below. ‘Tis a place that seems built for writing in a diary, reading a fanciful novel, or sketching a whimsical landscape. And if contemplation isn’t your thing, you can occupy yourself by browsing Vine’s antique jewelry gallery upstairs or choosing which petunias you’ll take home with you. Just don’t tell Mr. Craven where you got ’em.

1113 Lincoln, Alameda. (510) 522-8489

BEST BOOKSTORE FOR ASPIRING ACTIVISTS

Babylon Falling: Best Bookstore for Aspiring Activists
GUARDIAN PHOTO BY SAMANTHA BERG

Mark Twain said, “The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read,” which means that if you ever want to actually learn anything from books, you’re gonna have to get some decent lit. But you don’t need to waste your time surfing on Amazon or searching through library stacks (gasp!) — the rebel academics at Babylon Falling have already done all the work for you. If you really want to learn how to be as subversive as Che Guevara or Chuck D, pop into Babylon and check out its selection of revolutionary literature, graphic novels, art, and music. Babylon also carries a huge assortment of toys, artwork, clothing, and DVDs to complement its collection of more than 3,000 book titles. Plus, it hosts readings, art shows, and signings by literate revolutionaries from the Bay Area and beyond. Babylon will never fall if its citizens learn to read good. You can quote us on that.

1017 Bush, SF. (415) 345-1017, www.babylonfalling.com

BEST DIRT CHEAP DESIGNER DUDS

Jeremy’s is what all fashion discounters should aspire to be — fluorescent lights, foul dressing rooms, and lack of mirrors be damned. Brick-lined, filled with well-weathered wood and retro fixtures, built like an aging beauty of a department store, and chock-full of full-tilt high fashion and fun bargains, Jeremy’s is catnip to the clothes fiend who has all the desires of an haute couture client but few of the funds. It’s all here, kids: Prada, Dolce & Gabbana, Missoni, McQueen, Chanel, Marc Jacobs, Marc Jacobs, Marc Jacobs — all well-edited and last season or older. You wouldn’t guess it, of course. The men’s collections are similarly high style, though often much more pecked over. Pity the poor manly fashionisto in search of a deal elsewhere — you’ll find them here. Also worth perusing are the always delightful collections of unique shoes and boots, junior lines (often culled from Anthropologie and its ultracute, vintage-inspired brand), and accessories, jewelry, bags, and housewares. Items come and go, but, man, do they speed out of the store when Jeremy’s all-store sales are in full effect.

2 South Park, SF. (415) 882-4929; 2967 College, Berk. (510) 849-0701, ww.jeremys.com

BEST DANDY NANCIES

Toss the tacky Axe body spray, lose that horrid Aveda sheen, forget dropping oodles of dough on some designer-brand swill that looks better in its fancy bottle then on your handsome man-skin — Nancy Boy products are the real deal when it comes to male image enhancement. Manufactured locally and distributed from a lovely shop in Hayes Valley that also functions as a gallery of rare and covetable glassware, the all-natural line for men features several enormously popular products for local luxury lovers, including an inimitable signature replenishing shave cream infused with natural steam-distilled extract of fresh cucumbers (“not some ‘idea of cucumber’ concocted in some chemistry lab,” the makers assure us), a wildly fab lavender laundry detergent, and myriad other beauty products — not just for metrosexuals and A-gays! They work on scruffy hipsters and women too! — that we never thought we’d come to depend on so much. An extra treat: co-founder Eric Roos’ occasional hilarious, politically satirical newsletter that keeps us in stitches. Who knew beauty could be so spot-on?

347 Hayes, SF. (415) 552-3802, www.nancyboy.com

BEST BOUTIQUE FOR HEP CATS (AND DOGS)

Jeannine Giordan believes that pet stores are places humans should want to shop in, and that pet food should be made of ingredients animals actually want to eat. So radical! So revolutionary! And, in the case of Giordan’s brand new pet boutique Hazel and Gertie’s, so cute! Housed on the bottom floor of a Victorian on 22nd Street, the shop is clean, airy, and punctuated by tastefully, carefully collected displays of products for four-legged friends, from beds for your beagle to collars for your chartreux. Most impressive, though, is the selection of pet foods, including healthy, organic items by California Natural, Innova, Newman’s Own, and Wysong and raw food by San Francisco–based smallbatch. But Hazel and Gertie’s — named for Giordan’s dogs — is more than just a store. It’s also the outpost for Giordan’s dog-walking business, Gooddog, as well as a self-serve washing station (tub, water, towel, apron, and all-natural soap provided for $15). Giordan even gives referrals for other pet-related services.

3385 22nd St., SF. (415) 401-9663, www.hazelandgerties.com

BEST CUSTOM BOOKBINDERY

You refuse to get your wedding dress off the rack, so why buy your guestbook at Target? Especially when Kozo Arts can make you a custom book as special as your ceremony? This small bindery in Cow Hollow specializes in Japanese-style journals, invitations, scrapbooks, photo albums, and guest books, all handmade by one of Kozo’s five artisans. You choose from a wall of gorgeous screen-printed Chiyogami papers, pick a matching imported silk binding fabric, and order the size and page count you want — and you soon have a one-of-a-kind volume for documenting your once-in-a-lifetime event. The small, charming shop on Union Street also has a selection of premade books in its most popular styles, including journals decorated with pink and white flowers and bunnies, a basic red cherry blossom print, and various colored backgrounds embossed with Japanese parasols that are great as gifts. And don’t miss the scrap bin, full of beautiful leftover papers and fabrics perfect for DIY projects.

1969A Union, SF. (415) 351-2114, www.kozoarts.com

BEST GARDEN OF FASHION

Porto: Best Garden of Fashion
GUARDIAN PHOTO BY SAMANTHA BERG

We can’t decide which we like better: the imported Italian fashions Porto sells or the building it houses them in. It’s undeniable that the clothes for women are chic, distinctive, and well made. We love the asymmetrical details on Sathia tees and dresses, the fun and flirty sportswear by Deha, the innovative skirts and tops from MC Planet, and the unique detailing on everything by Vasalli. But we especially love how the shop is tucked away from the bustle of Union Street down a long corridor, and how natural light floods the airy, two-story building. Add the adjacent rooftop garden, where Porto’s friendly, helpful owner might let you sip bubbly between purchases, and you might forget about the clothes altogether. That is, until you check out the fabulous sale racks. One visit here and you’ll never need Urban Outfitters again.

1770 Union, SF. (415) 440-5040, www.portoboutique.com

BEST MODERN MOROCCAN STYLE

If you like the bold colors, interesting shapes, and exotic romance of Moroccan design, but don’t want your home to look like a college dorm or a swingers’ lounge, you’ll love Tazi. This Hayes Valley showroom is stocked full of Moroccan furniture, textiles, clothing, and accessories — all with a sleek, modern edge. Think mosaic patio tables, bright sofas, metalsmithed lanterns, leather poufs (ottomans), and antiqued doors — most handmade, and all of unmatched quality. Though the Linden Street studio specializes in working with retailers, bars, and restaurants, the staff will also happily help individuals supplement their wardrobe with a gorgeous leather purse, or solve complicated spatial issues with mix-and-match furniture pieces. Plus, Blue Bottle’s just down the street. You can’t get that in Morocco.

333 Linden, SF. (415) 503-0013, www.tazidesigns.com

BEST BIKE CLOTHES FOR BABES

When Sheila Moon started racing bicycles in 1993, very few companies made cycling clothes designed to fit women. “I started asking friends in bike shops if women’s clothing would be a good idea, and they all looked at me like I was crazy,” she said. Moon went for it anyway. Now, after six years in business, she’s distributed in 32 states, plus Canada, and her extensive line includes caps, jerseys, shorts, and knickers for women and men, with separate styles for professional cyclists and regular ol’ riders. She’s moved her SoMa design studio to a live/work loft in Oakland, but everything is still stitched and shipped from San Francisco. Locals can find styles like her women’s riding britches on her Web site and at shops like Sports Basement, City Cycle, and Mojo Bike Café. And daily commuters should keep an eye out: Moon’s got even more bike-to-boardroom threads in her fall line. (Hint: skirts!)

www.sheilamoon.com

Nightlife and Entertainment

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January 5, 2010

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BEST REP FILM HOUSE

Red Vic

From rock docs to cult classics, this Upper Haight co-op’s schedule has kept its cozy couches filled with popcorn-munching film buffs since 1980.

1727 Haight, SF. (415) 668-3994, www.redvicmoviehouse.com

Runners up: Castro, Roxie

BEST MOVIE THEATER

Balboa Theater

Packing the house with film festivals, second-run faves, indie darlings, and carefully chosen new releases, this Richmond gem offers old-school charm with a cozy neighborhood vibe.

3630 Balboa, SF. (415) 221-8184, www.balboamovies.com

Runners up: Castro, Kabuki Sundance

BEST THEATER COMPANY

Un-Scripted Theater Company

The Un-Scripted improv troupe elevates comedy from one-liners and shtick to full-fledged theatrical productions with a talented cast and eccentric sensibilities.

533 Sutter, SF. (415) 869-5384, www.un-scripted.com

Runners up: ACT, Shotgun Players

BEST DANCE COMPANY

Hot Pink Feathers

Blurring the line between cabaret and Carnaval, this burlesque troupe drips with samba flavor (and feathers, of course).

www.hotpinkfeathers.com

Runners up: DholRhythms, Fou Fou Ha!

BEST ART GALLERY

Creativity Explored

The cherished nonprofit provides a safe haven for artists of all ages, abilities, and skill levels while making sure that great works remain accessible to art lovers without trust funds.

3245 16th St., SF. (415) 863-2108, www.creativityexplored.org

Runners up: 111 Minna, Hang

BEST MUSEUM

De Young

Golden Gate Park’s copper jewel boasts stunning architecture, one hell of a permanent collection, and an impressive schedule of rotating exhibitions.

50 Hagiwara Tea Garden Drive, SF. (415) 750-3600, www.famsf.org/deyoung

Runners up: Asian Art Museum, SF MOMA

BEST MIXED-USE ARTS SPACE

CellSPACE

From aerial circus arts to metalsmithing, fire dancing to roller-skating parties, CellSPACE has had its fingers all over San Francisco’s alternative art scene.

2050 Bryant, SF. (415) 648-7562, www.cellspace.org

Runners up: SomArts, 111 Minna

BEST DANCE CLUB

DNA Lounge

DNA scratches just about every strange dance floor itch imaginable — from ’80s new wave and glam-goth to transvestite mashups and humongous lesbian dance parties.

375 11th St., SF. (415) 626-1409, www.dnalounge.com

Runners up: Temple, 1015 Folsom

BEST ROCK CLUB

Bottom of the Hill

San Francisco’s quintessential “I saw ’em here first” dive, Bottom of the Hill consistently delivers stellar booking, cheap drinks, and great sound.

1233 17th St., SF. (415) 621-4455, www.bottomofthehill.com

Runners up: Slim’s, The Independent

BEST HIP-HOP CLUB

Club Six

Six blurs the line between high and low, offering an upstairs lounge in which to see and be seen and a basement dance floor for those who want to show off their b-boy prowess.

60 Sixth St., SF. (415) 531-6593, www.clubsix1.com

Runners up: Poleng, Milk

BEST JAZZ CLUB

Yoshi’s

Nothing says “Bay Area” quite like Yoshi’s masterful combo of classic cocktails, inventive maki rolls, and world-class jazz acts.

510 Embarcadero West, Jack London Square, Oakl. (510) 238-9200; 1330 Fillmore, SF. (415) 655-5600; www.yoshis.com

Runners up: Jazz at Pearl’s, Biscuits and Blues

BEST SALSA CLUB

Cafe Cocomo

Smartly dressed regulars, smoking-hot entertainment, and plenty of classes keep the Cocomo’s floor packed with sweaty salsa enthusiasts year-round.

650 Indiana, SF. (415) 824-6910, www.cafecocomo.com

Runners up: El Rio, Roccapulco

BEST PUNK CLUB

Annie’s Social Club

The club maintains its cred by presciently booking on-the-rise punk and hardcore bands and adding a sprinkle of punk rock karaoke, photo-booth antics, and ’80s dance parties.

917 Folsom, SF. (415) 974-1585, www.anniessocialclub.com

Runners up: Thee Parkside, 924 Gilman

BEST AFTER-HOURS CLUB

Endup

Where the drunken masses head after last call, the aptly named Endup is probably the only club left where you can rub up against a fishnetted transvestite until the sun comes up. And after.

401 Sixth St., SF. (415) 646-0999, www.theendup.com

Runners up: Mighty, DNA Lounge

BEST HAPPY HOUR

El Rio

“Cash is queen” at this Mission haunt, but you won’t need much of it. El Rio’s infamous happy hour — which lasts five hours and begins at 4 p.m. — consists of dirt cheap drinks and yummy freebies.

3158 Mission, SF. (415) 282-3325, www.elriosf.com

Runners up: Midnight Sun, Olive

BEST DIVE BAR

500 Club

A mean manhattan might not be the hallmark of a typical dive, but just add in ridiculously low prices, well-worn booths, and legions of scruffy hipsters.

500 Guerrero, SF. (415) 861-2500

Runners up: Broken Record, Phone Booth

BEST SWANKY BAR

Bourbon and Branch

Mirrored tables, exclusive entry, fancy specialty cocktails, and a well-appointed library root this speakeasy firmly in “upscale” territory.

501 Jones, SF. (415) 346-1735, www.bourbonandbranch.com

Runners up: Red Room, Bubble Lounge

BEST TRIVIA NIGHT

Brain Farts at the Lookout

“Are you smarter than a drag queen?” Brain Fart hostesses BeBe Sweetbriar and Pollo del Mar ask every Wednesday at 7:30 p.m. at this gay hot spot. Maybe.

3600 16th St., SF. (415) 431-0306

Runners up: Castle Quiz (Edinburgh Castle), Trivia Night (Board Room)

BEST JUKEBOX

Lucky 13

Bargain drinks, a popcorn machine, and Thin Lizzy, Hank 3, Motörhead, and Iggy on heavy rotation: Lucky 13 never disappoints.

2140 Market, SF. (415) 487-1313

Runners up: Phone Booth, Lexington Club

BEST KARAOKE BAR

The Mint

It may be nigh impossible to get mic time at this mid-Market mainstay, but once you do, there are hordes of adoring (read: delightfully catty) patrons to applaud you.

942 Market, SF. (415) 626-4726, www.themint.net

Runners up: Encore, Annie’s Social Club

BEST CLUB FOR QUEER MEN

Bearracuda at Deco

Bears at the free buffet, bears on the massage table — bears, bears everywhere, but mostly on the dance floor at this big gay biweekly hair affair in the Tenderloin.

510 Larkin, SF. (415) 346-2025, www.bearracuda.com

Runners up: The Cinch, The Stud

BEST CLUB FOR QUEER WOMEN

Lexington Club

With a pool table, a rotating gallery of kick-ass art, and regular rock DJ nights, this beer-and-shot Mission dive has been proving that dykes drink harder for more than a decade.

3464 19th St., SF. (415) 863-2052, www.lexingtonclub.com

Runners up: Cockblock, Wild Side West

BEST CLUB FOR TRANNIES

Trannyshack

Say hello, wave good-bye: Heklina’s legendary trash drag mecca hangs up its bloody boa in August, but it’s still the best bang for your tranny buck right now.

Stud, 399 Ninth St., SF. (415) 252-7883, www.trannyshack.com

Runners up: AsiaSF, Diva’s

BEST SINGER-SONGWRITER

Curt Yagi

Multi-instrumentalist Curt Yagi has been making the rounds at local venues, strumming with the swagger of Lenny Kravitz and the lyrical prowess of Jack Johnson.

www.curtyagi.com

Runners up: Jill Tracy, Kitten on the Keys

BEST METAL BAND

A Band Called Pain

If you didn’t get the hint from their name, the Oakland-based A Band Called Pain bring it hard and heavy and have lent their distinct brooding metal sound to the Saw II soundtrack and Austin’s SXSW.

www.abandcalledpain.com

Runners up: Thumper, Death Angel

BEST ELECTRONIC MUSIC ACT

Lazer Sword

Rooted in hip-hop but pulling influences from every genre under the sun, the laptop composers seamlessly meld grime and glitch sensibilities with ever-pervasive bass.

www.myspace.com/lazersword

Runners up: Kush Arora, Gooferman

BEST HIP-HOP ACT

Beeda Weeda

Murder Dubs producer and rapper Beeda Weeda may make stuntin’ look easy, but he makes it sound even better: case in point, his upcoming album Da Thizzness.

www.myspace.com/beedaweeda

Runners up: Deep Dickollective, Zion I

BEST INDIE BAND

Ex-Boyfriends

San Francisco outfit and Absolutely Kosher artists the Ex-Boyfriends dole out catchy power pop with a shiny Brit veneer and a dab of emo for good measure.

www.myspace.com/exboyfriends

Runners up: Gooferman, Making Dinner

BEST COVER BAND

ZooStation

A mainstay at festivals, parties, and Slim’s cover-band nights, ZooStation storm through the U2 catalog (they take on more than 140 of the band’s tunes).

www.zoostation-online.com

Runners up: AC/DShe, Interchords

BEST BAND NAME

The Fucking Ocean

Fuck Buttons, Holy Fuck, Fucked Up, Fuck, indeed: the time is ripe for band names that can’t be uttered on the airwaves, and the Fucking Ocean leads the pack. George Carlin would be so proud.

www.myspace.com/thefuckingocean

Runners up: Stung, Gooferman

BEST DJ

Smoove

Ian Chang, aka DJ Smoove, keeps late hours at the Endup, DNA Lounge, 111 Minna, Mighty, and underground parties all over, pumping out power-funk breaks.

www.myspace.com/smoovethedirtypunk

Runners up: Jimmy Love, Maneesh the Twister

BEST PARTY PRODUCERS

Adrian and the Mysterious D, Bootie

Five years in, the Bay’s groundbreaking original mashup party, Bootie, has expanded coast-to-coast and to three continents. This duo displays the power of tight promotion and superb party skills.

DNA Lounge, 375 11th St., SF. (415) 626-1409, www.bootiesf.com

Runners up: NonStop Bhangra crew, Mike Gaines (Bohemian Carnival)

BEST BURLESQUE ACT

Twilight Vixen Revue

Finally, someone thinks to combine pirates, wenches, classic burlesque, and foxy lesbians. This all-queer burlesque troupe has been waving its fans (and fannies) since 2003.

www.twilightvixen.com

Runners up: Sparkly Devil, Hot Pink Feathers

BEST DRAG ACT

Katya Ludmilla Smirnoff-Skyy

Gorgeous costumes, a glamorous backstory, and a jam-packed social calendar are reasons enough to catch this opera diva, but it’s her flawless mezzo that keeps fans hurling roses.

www.russianoperadiva.com

Runners up: Charlie Horse, Cookie Dough

BEST COMEDIAN

Marga Gomez

One of America’s first openly gay comics, San Francisco’s Marga Gomez is a Latina firebrand who’s equally at home performing at Yankee Stadium or Theatre Rhinoceros.

www.margagomez.com

Runners up: Robert Strong, Paco Romane

BEST CIRCUS TROUPE

Vau de Vire Society

Offering a full-on circus assault, the wildly talented and freakishly flexible troupe’s live show delivers plenty of fire performances, aerial stunts, and contortionism.

www.vaudeviresociety.com

Runners up: Teatro Zinzani, Pickle Family Circus

BEST OPEN MIC NIGHT

Hotel Utah

One of the city’s strongest breeding grounds for new musical talent, Hotel Utah’s open mic series opens the floor for all genres (and abilities).

500 Fourth St., SF. (415) 546-6300, www.hotelutah.com

Runners up: Queer Open Mic (3 Dollar Bill), Brain Wash

BEST CABARET/VARIETY SHOW

Hubba Hubba Review: Best Cabaret/Variety Show
PHOTO BY PATRICK MCCARTHY

Hubba Hubba Revue

Vaudeville comedy, tassled titties, and over-the-top burlesque teasing make the Hubba Hubba Revue the scene’s bawdiest purveyor of impropriety.

www.hubbahubbarevue.com

Runners up: Bohemian Carnival, Bijou (Martuni’s)

BEST LITERARY NIGHT

Writers with Drinks

This roving monthly literary night takes it on faith that writers like to drink. Sex workers, children’s book authors, and bar-stool prophets all mingle seamlessly, with social lubrication.

www.writerswithdrinks.com

Runners up: Porchlight Reading Series, Litquake

BEST CRUSHWORTHY BARTENDER

Laura at Hotel Utah

Whether you just bombed onstage at open mic night or are bellied up to the Hotel Utah bar to drink your sorrows away, the ever-so-crushworthy Laura is there with a heavy-handed pour and a smile. She’s even nice to tourists — imagine!

500 Fourth St., SF. (415) 546-6300, www.hotelutah.com

Runners up: Chupa at DNA Lounge, Vegas at Cha Cha Cha

Nightlife and Entertainment — Editors Picks

BEST CREEP-SHOW CHANTEUSE

There’s just something about the inimitable Jill Tracy that makes us swoon like a passel of naive gothic horror heroines in too-tight corsets. Is it her husky midnight lover’s croon, her deceptively delicate visage, her vintage sensibilities? Who else could have written the definitive elegy on the “fine art of poisoning,” composed a hauntingly lush live score for F.W. Murnau’s classic silent film Nosferatu, joined forces with that merry band of bloodthirsty malcontents, Thrillpeddlers, and still somehow remain a shining beacon of almost beatific grace? Part tough-as-nails film fatale, part funeral parlor pianist, Tracy manages to adopt many facades yet remain ever and only herself — a precarious and delicious balancing act. Her newest CD, The Bittersweet Constrain, glides the gamut from gloom to glamour, encapsulating her haunted highness at her beguiling best.

www.jilltracy.com

BEST CINEMATIC REFUGE FOR GERMANIACS

Can’t wait for the annual Berlin and Beyond film fest to get your Teuton on? The San Francisco Goethe-Institut screens a select handful of German-language films throughout the year at its Bush Street language-school location. For a $5 suggested donation, you can treat yourself to a klassische F.W. Murnau movie or something slightly more contemporary from Margarethe von Trotta. Flicks are subtitled, so there’s no need to brush up on verb conjugations ahead of time. And the Bush Street location is within respectable stumbling distance of many Tendernob bars, not to mention the Euro-chic Café de la Presse, should your cinematic adventure turn into an unexpected Liebesabenteuer. Unlike SF filmic events offering free popcorn, free-for-all heckling, or staged reenactments of the action, Goethe-Institut screenings need no gimmickry to attract their audiences — a respectable singularity perhaps alone worth the price of admission.

530 Bush, SF. (415) 263-8760, www.goethe.de

BEST UNFORCED BAY AREA BALKANIZATION

Despite all the countless reasons to give in to despair — the weight of the world, the headline news, those endless measured teaspoons — sometimes you just have to say fuck it and get your freak on. No party in town exemplifies this reckless surrender to the muse of moving on better than the frenetic, freewheeling proslava that is Kafana Balkan. No hideaway this for the too-cool-for-school, hands-slung-deep-in-pockets, head-bobber crowd. The brass-and-beer-fueled mayhem that generally ensues at Kafana Balkan, often held at 12 Galaxies, is a much more primitive and fundamental form of bacchanal. Clowns! Accordions! Brass bands! Romany rarities! Unfurled hankies! The unlikely combination of high-stepping grannies and high-spirited hipsters is joined together by the thread that truly binds: a raucous good time. Plus, all proceeds support the Bread and Cheese Circus’s attempts to bring succor and good cheer to orphans in Kosovo. Your attendance will help alleviate angst in more ways than one.

www.myspace.com/kafanabalkan

BEST GOREY BALL

There’s no doubt about it — we San Franciscans love to play dress-up. From the towering Beach Blanket Babylon–esque bonnets at the annual Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence Easter Sunday to the costumed free-for-all of All Hallows Eve, the more elaborate the excuse to throw on some gay apparel, the more elaborate the apparel. This makes the annual Edwardian Ball tailor-made for San Francisco’s tailored maids and madcap chaps. An eager homage to the off-kilter imaginings of Edward Gorey, whose oft-pseudonymous picture books delved into the exotic, the erotic, and the diabolic within prim and proper, vaguely British settings, the Edwardian Ball is a midwinter ode to woe. From the haunting disharmonies of Rosin Coven to the voluptuous vigor of the Vau de Vire Society’s reenactment of Gorey tales, the ball — which now encompasses an entire three-day weekend — is a veritable bastion of dark-hued revelry and unfettered fetish.

www.myspace.com/edwardianball

BEST PROGRESSIVE LOUD ‘N’ PROUD

We love Stephen Elliott. The fearless writer, merciless poker opponent, and unrepentant romantic’s well-documented fall from political innocence — recounted in Looking Forward to It (Picador, 2004) and Politically Inspired (MacAdam/Cage, 2003) — has kept him plunged into the fray ever since. Like most other ongoing literary salons, Elliott’s monthly Progressive Reading Series offers a thrilling showcase of local and luminary talent, highlighting up-and-comers along with seasoned pros — shaken, stirred, and poured over ice by the unflappable bar staff at host venue the Make-Out Room. All of the proceeds from the door benefit selected progressive causes — such as, most recently, fighting the good fight against California state proposition 98. Books, booze, and ballot boxing — a good deed never went down more smoothly or with such earnest verbiage and charm.

www.progressivereadingseries.org

BEST UNDERAGE SANDWICH

When it comes to opportunities to see live independent music, most Bay Area venues hang kids under 21 out to dry. Outside of 924 Gilman in Berkeley and the occasional all-ages show at Bottom of the Hill, the opportunities are painfully sparse. But thanks to members of Bay Area show promotion collective Club Sandwich, the underground music scene is becoming more accessible. Committed to hosting exclusively all-ages shows featuring under-the-radar local and national touring bands, Club Sandwich has booked more than a hundred of them since 2006, ranging from better-known groups like No Age, Marnie Stern, and Lightning Bolt to more obscure acts like South Seas Queen and Sexy Prison. Club Sandwich shows tend to cross traditional genre boundary lines (noise, punk, folk, etc.), bringing together different subcultures within the Bay Area’s underground music scene that don’t usually overlap. And the collective organizes shows at wildly diverse venues: from legitimate art spaces like ATA in San Francisco and Lobot in Oakland to warehouse spaces and swimming pools.

www.clubsandwichbayarea.com

BEST BEER PONG PALACE

Pabst Blue Ribbon, American Spirits, track bikes, tattoos, stretchy jeans, slip-ons, facial hair, Wayfarers. Blah, blah, blah. If you live in the Mission — and happen to be between 22 and 33 years old — you see it all, every night, at every bar in the hood. Boooring. If you’re sick of all the hipster shit, but not quite ready to abandon the scene entirely, take a baby step over to the Broken Record, a roomy dive bar in the Excelsior that serves gourmet game sausage, gives away free beer every Friday(!), rents out Scrabble boards, and isn’t afraid to drop the attitude and get down with a goofy night of beer pong or a bar-wide foosball match. The cheap swill, loud music, and street art will make you feel right at home, but the Broken Record’s decidedly Outer Mission vibe will give you a much-needed respite from the glam rockers, bike messengers, “artists,” and cokeheads you have to hang out with back in cool country.

1166 Geneva, SF. (415) 255-3100

BEST VOLUPTUOUS VISIBILITY

Every June, the Brava Theater quietly morphs into the center of the known universe for queer women of color. And what a delectable center it is. Over the course of three days, the Queer Women of Color Film Festival, produced by the Queer Women of Color Media Arts Project, screens more than 30 works by emerging filmmakers for a raucously supportive audience — an audience that happens to be cute as all hell. In fact, some would call the festival the cruising event of the year for queer women of color. Of course, the films are worth scoping too. Students of QWOCMAP’s no-cost Filmmaker Training Program create most of the festival’s incredible array of humorous and sensitive films, which explore topics such as romance and family ties. For festivalgoers, this heady mixture of authentic representation, massive visibility, and community pride (all screenings are copresented with social justice groups) is breathtakingly potent. It’s no wonder a few love connections are made each fest. Want just a little more icing on that cake? All screenings are free.

(415) 752-0868, www.qwocmap.org

BEST DANCE-FLOOR FLICKS FIX

The San Francisco Film Society is best known for putting on America’s oldest film fest, the San Francisco Film Festival. But the organization also hosts a TV show, publishes an amazingly vibrant online magazine, and throws a slew of events throughout the year under its SF360 umbrella, a collection of organizations dedicated to covering film in San Francisco from all angles. There’s SF360 movie nights held in homes across the city, Live at the Apple Store film discussions, and special screenings of hard-to-see films held at theaters throughout the Bay Area. But our favorite SF360 shindig is its monthly SF360 Film+Club Night at Mezzanine, which screens underground films to a room of intoxicated cinephiles who are encouraged to hoot, holler, and at times — like during the annual R. Kelly Trapped in tha Closet Singalong — flex their vocal cords. Past Film+Club screenings have included a B-movie skate-film retrospective, prescreenings of Dave Eggers’s Wholphin compilations, and an Icelandic music documentary night, at which, we’ll admit, we dressed up like Björk.

www.sf360.org

BEST HORIZONTAL MAMBO ON HIGH

Project Bandaloop: Best Horizontal Mambo on High
PHOTO BY TODD LABY

Normally when one mentions doing the horizontal mambo, nudges and winks ensue. But when Project Bandaloop gets together to actually do it, the group isn’t getting freaky, it’s getting wildly artistic — hundreds of feet up in the air. The aerial dance company creates an exhilarating blend of kinetics, sport, and environmental awareness, hanging from bungee cords perpendicular to tall building walls. The troupe is composed of climbers and dancers, who rappel, jump, pas de deux, and generally do incredibly graceful things while hoisted hundreds of feet up in the air. Founded in 1991 and currently under the artistic direction of Amelia Rudolph, Project Bandaloop’s company of dancer-athletes explores the cultural possibilities of simulated weightlessness, drawing on a complete circumferential vocabulary of movement to craft site-specific dances, including pieces for Seattle’s Space Needle and Yosemite’s El Capitan. (Once it even performed for the sheikh of Oman.) Now, if there were only a way to watch the rapturous results without getting a stiff neck.

(415) 421-5667, www.projectbandaloop.org

BEST YODELALCOHOL

From the sidewalk, Bacchus Kirk looks like so many other dimly lit San Francisco bars. Yet to walk inside is to step into a little bit of Lake Tahoe or the Haute-Savoie on the unlikely slopes of lower Nob Hill. With its raftered A-frame ceiling, warm wood-paneled walls, and inviting fireplace, the alpine Bacchus Kirk only needs a pack of bellowing snowboarders to pass as a ski lodge — albeit one that provides chocolate martinis, raspberry drops, and mellow mango cocktails rather than hot cocoa, vertiginous funicular rides, and views of alpenhorn-wielding shepherds. This San Francisco simulation of the après-ski scene is populated by a friendly, low-key crowd of art students, Euro hostelers, and diverse locals — no frosty snow bunnies here — drawn by the congenial atmosphere, the pool table, and that current nightlife rarity, a smoking room. Tasty drinks and lofty conversation flow freely: if you leave feeling light-headed, you won’t be able to blame it on the altitude.

925 Bush, SF. (415) 474-4056, www.bacchuskirk.org

BEST COCKTAILS WITH CANINES

Plenty of bars around town call themselves pooch-friendly — as if a pampered shih tzu housed in a Paris Hilton wannabe’s purse, its exquisitely painted paw-nails barely deigning to rest atop the bar, represents the be-all and end-all of canine cocktail companionship. The Homestead, however, goes the extra mile to make four-legged patrons of all shapes and sizes at home with its “open dog” policy. Permanently stationed below the piano is a water dish, and the bar is stocked with an ample supply of doggie treats. At slack times, the bartenders will even come out from behind the bar to dispense said treats directly to their panting customers. Talk about service! As for the bipeds, they will undoubtedly appreciate the Homestead’s well-worn 19th-century working-class-bar decor (complete with a potbellied stove!) and relaxed modern-day atmosphere. It’s the perfect spot to catch up with old friends — either furry or slightly slurry — and make a few new ones.

2301 Folsom, SF. (415) 282-4663

BEST VISA TO MARTINI VICTORY

Bartender Visa Victor: Best Visa to Martini Victory
PHOTO BY NEIL MOTTERAM

When überfancy personalized cocktails started popping up all over town, it was only a matter of time before we of the plebeian class started demanding our fair share. Looking to be poured something special, but can’t afford a drink at Absinthe? Want to sample a few stupendously constructed tipples in the Bourbon and Branch vein with limited ducats? Score: Visa Victor the bartender has what you want. Once a journeyman slinger, Visa has started filling regular shifts — typically Wednesdays and Sundays — at Argus Lounge on Mission Street. What he offers: his own DJ, a well-populated e-mail list of fans, and an array of unique ingredients including rare berries, savory herbs, and meat. Yes, meat — his recent bacon martini turned out to be not just an attempt to tap into the city’s growing “meat consciousness” but damn good to boot. And hey, we didn’t have to take out a phony second mortgage to down it.

BEST JAZZ JUKE

Pesky Internet jukeboxes are everywhere: any decent night out can be ruined by some freshly 21-year-old princess bumping her “birthday jam” incessantly. The old-school jukebox, on the other hand, has the oft-undervalued ability to maintain a mood, or at least ensure that you won’t be “bringing sexy back” 27 times in one evening. Aub Zam Zam in the Upper Haight maintains an exceptional jukebox chock-full of timeless blues, jazz, and R&B slices. Selections include Robert Johnson, Miles Davis, Louis Armstrong, Bessie Smith, Taj Mahal … the list of smooth crooners and delicate instrumentalists goes on and on. This is in perfect keeping with Aub Zam Zam’s rep as a mighty fine cocktail lounge, established in the 1940s. New owner Bob Clarke has made the place a lot more welcoming than it was in the days of notoriously tyrannical founder Bruno, who proudly boasted of 86ing 80 percent of the Zam Zam’s would-be customers. But Clarke’s kept at least one thing from Bruno’s days besides mouthwatering drinks: his favorite juke jams.

1633 Haight, SF. (415) 861-2545

BEST FUNNY UH-OH

It’s hard to tell if the entity known as Something with Genitals is a comedy act or a cultural experiment designed to monitor human behavior under unusual circumstances. Take, for example, the night one member of this duo, sometimes trio, of dudes made his way through the crowded Hemlock Tavern on cross-country skis. When he finally maneuvered himself onto the stage, the lights went out and the show was over. Sometimes no one gets onstage at all. Instead the audience gets treated to one of the group’s ingeniously simple short films, which are way better at summing up every one-night stand you’ve had than a regular joke with a punch line. Check out their video on MySpace of a guy who strikes up a conversation with a shrub on some Mission District street, invites it to a party, offers it a beer, asks it to dance, shares some personal secrets and heartfelt dreams, then proceeds to drunkenly fuck it, and you’ll wonder if they’ve been reading your diary. Funny uh-oh, not funny ha-ha.

www.myspace.com/somethingwithgenitals

BEST WEIRD EYE FOR WEIRD TIMES

Even if you’re not in the market for stock footage — the chief focus of Oddball Film + Video, which maintains an archive crammed with everything from World War II clips to glamour shots of TV dinners circa 1960 to images of vintage San Francisco street scenes — you can still take advantage of this incredible resource. Director and founder Stephen Parr loves film, and he loves the unusual; lucky for us, he also loves sharing his collection with the public. RSVPs are essential to attend screenings at the small space, which in recent months has hosted such programs as “Shock! Cinema,” a collection of hygiene and safety films (Narcotics: Pit of Despair) from bygone but no less hysterical eras, and “Strange Sinema,” featuring yet-to-be-cataloged finds from Oddball’s ever-growing library (a 1950s dude ranch promo, an extended trailer for 1972 porn classic Behind the Green Door). Other past highlights have included programs on sex, monkeys, India, and avant-gardists and nights with guest curators like Los Angeles “media ecologist” Gerry Fialka.

275 Capp, SF. (415) 558-8117, www.oddballfilm.com

BEST SWEET ISLE OF ROCK

It doesn’t get much sweeter, in terms of massive multistage music gatherings soaked with mucho cerveza and plenty of sunshine: looking out over the bay at our sparkling city from the top of a Ferris wheel as Spoon gets out the jittery indie rock on the main stage below. That was the scene at last year’s inaugural two-day Treasure Island Music Festival, a smooth-sailing dream of a musical event presented by the Noise Pop crew and Another Planet Entertainment. The locale was special — how often do music fans who don’t live or work on the isle ever get out to that human-made spot, a relic from the utopian era of “We can do it!” engineering and World’s Fairs. The shuttles were plentiful and zero emission. The food was reasonably priced, varied, and at times vegetarian. About 72 percent of the waste generated by the fest was diverted to recycling and composting. Most important, the music was stellar: primo critical picks all the way. This year’s gathering, featuring Justice, Hot Chip, and the Raconteurs, looks to do even better.

www.treasureislandfestival.com

BEST WHITE-HOT WALLS

Pristine walls couldn’t get much more white-hot than at Ratio 3 gallery. Chris Perez has a nose for talent — and an eye for cool — when it comes to programming the new space on Stevenson near SoMa. The curator has been on a particular roll of late with exhibitions by such varied artists as psychedelia-drenched video installationist Takeshi Murata, resurgent abstractionist Ruth Laskey, and utopian beautiful-people photog Ryan McGinley, while drawing attendees such as Mayor Gavin Newsom and sundry celebs to openings. Perez also has a worthy stable of gallery artists on hand, including local legend Barry McGee (whose works slip surprisingly well among recent abstract shows at the space), rough-and-ready sculptor Mitzi Pederson, op-art woodworker Ara Peterson, and hallucinatory dreamscape creator Jose Alvarez. Catch ’em while the ratio is in your favor.

1447 Stevenson, SF. (415) 821-3371, www.ratio3.org

BEST ON-SCREEN MIND WARP

When edgy director of programming Bruce Fletcher left the San Francisco Independent Film Festival (IndieFest), fans who’d relied on his horror and sci-fi picks were understandably a little worried. Fortunately, Fletcher’s Dead Channels: The San Francisco Festival of Fantastic Film proved there’s room enough in this town for multiple fests with an eye for sleazy, gory, gruesome, unsettling, and offbeat films, indie and otherwise. There’s more: this summer Dead Channels teamed up with Thrillpeddlers to host weekly screenings at the Grand Guignol theater company’s space, the Hypnodrome. “White Hot ‘N’ Warped Wednesdays” are exactly that — showcasing all manner of psychotronica, from Pakistani gore flick Hell’s Ground to culty grind house classics like She-Freak (1967). Come this October, will the Dead Channels fest be able to top its utterly warped Hump Day series? Fear not for the programming, dark-dwelling weirdos — fear only what’s on the screen.

www.deadchannels.com

BEST BACKROOM SHENANIGANS

Everyone knows when Adobe Books’ backroom art openings are in full swing: the bookstore is brightly lit and buzzing at an hour when most other literature peddlers are safely tucked in bed, the crowd is spilling onto the 16th Street sidewalk, and music might be wafting into the night. Deep within, in the microscopic backroom gallery, you might discover future art stars like Colter Jacobsen, Barbra Garber, and Matt Furie, as well as their works. Call the space and its soirees the last living relic of Mission District bohemia or dub it a San Francisco institution — just don’t try to clean it up or bring order to its stacks. Wanderers, seekers, artists, and musicians have found a home of sorts here, checking out art, bickering over the accuracy and comprehensiveness of the time line of Mission hipster connections that runs along the upper walls, sinking into the old chairs to hang, and maybe even picking up a book and paging through.

3166 16th St., SF. (415) 864-3936, adobebooksbackroomgallery.blogspot.com

BEST HELLO MUMBAI

DJ Cheb i Sabbah at Bollyhood Café: Best Hello Mumbai
PHOTO BY NEIL MOTTERAM

India produces more movies than any other place on the planet, although you’d scarcely know it from the few that make it stateside. But the American Bollywood cult is growing, and Indian pop culture is dancing its eye-popping way into San Francisco’s heart with invigorating bhangra club nights and piquant variations on traditional cuisine. Bollywood-themed Bollyhood Café, a colorful dance lounge, restaurant, and bar on 19th Street, serves beloved Indian street food–style favorites, with tweaked names like Something to Chaat About, Bhel “Hood” Puri, and Daal-Icious. The joint also delights fans of the subcontinent with nonstop Bollywood screenings and parties featuring DJs Cheb i Sabbah and Jimmy Love of NonStop Bhangra. The crowd’s cute, too: knock back a few mango changos or a lychee martini and prepare to kick up your heels with some of the warmest daals and smoothest lassis (har, har) this side of Mumbai.

3372 19th St., SF. (415) 970-0362, www.bollyhoodcafe.com

BEST POP ‘N’ CHILL

Sheila Marie Ang at Bubble Lounge: Best Pop ‘N’ Chill
PHOTO BY NEIL MOTTERAM

When people get older and perhaps wiser, they begin to feel out of place in hipstery dive bars and tend to lose the desire to rage all night in sweaty dance clubs. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to party; it just means they’d rather do it in a more sophisticated setting. Thank goddess, then, for Bubble Lounge, the Financial District’s premier purveyor of sparkling social lubricant. For a decade, this superswanky champagne parlor has dazzled with its 10 candlelit salons, each decked out with satin couches, overstuffed chairs, and mahogany tables. BL specializes in tasters, flights, and full-size flutes of light and full-bodied sparkling wines and champagnes. But if poppin’ bub ain’t your style, you can always go the martini route and order a specialty cocktail like the Rasmatini or the French tickler — whatever it takes to make you forget about the office and just chill.

714 Montgomery, SF. (415) 434-4204, www.bubblelounge.com

BEST REGGAE ON BOTH SIDES

Reggae may not be the hippest or newest music in town, but there are few other genres that can inspire revolutionary political thought, erase color lines, and make you shake your ass all at the same time. Grind away your daily worries and appreciate the unity of humanity all night long on both sides of the bay — second Saturdays of the month at the Endup and fourth Saturdays at Oakland’s Karibbean City — at Reggae Gold, the Bay Area’s smoothest-packed party for irie folk and dance machines. Resident DJs Polo Moquuz, Daddy Rolo, and Mendoja spin riddim, dancehall, soca, and hip-hop mashup faves as a unified nation of dub heads rocks steady on the dance floor. Special dress-up nights include Flag Party, Army Fatigue Night, and the Black Ball, but otherwise Reggae Gold keeps things on the classy side with a strict dress policy: no sneakers, no baseball caps, no sports attire, and for Jah’s sake, no white T-shirts. This isn’t the Dirty South, you know.

www.reggaegoldsf.com

BEST MEGACLUB REINCARNATION

Its a wonder no one thought of it before. Why not combine green business practices with a keen sense of after-hours dance floor mayhem, inject the whole enchilada with shots of mystical spirituality (giant antique Buddha statues, a holistic healing center) and social justice activism (political speaker engagements, issue awareness campaigns), attach a yummy Thai restaurant, serve some fancy drinks, and call it a groundbreaking megaclub? That’s a serviceably bare-bones description of Temple in SoMa, but this multilevel, generously laid out mecca for dance music lovers is so much more. Cynical clubgoers like ourselves, burnt out on the steroidal ultralounge excesses of the Internet boom, cast a wary eye when it was announced that Temple would set up shop in defunct-but-still-beloved club DV8’s old space, and feared a mainstream supastar DJ onslaught to cover the costs. Temple brings in the big names, all right, but it also shows much love for the local scene, giving faves like DJ David Harness and the Compression crew room to do their thing. The sound is impeccable, the staff exceedingly friendly, and even if we have to wade politely but firmly through some bridge and tunnel crowd to get to the dance floor, we can use the extra karma points.

540 Howard, SF. www.templesf.com

BEST BANGERS AND FLASH

Blow Up: Best Bangers and Flash
PHOTO BY MELEKSAH DAVID

Disco, house, techno, rave, hip-hop, electroclash … all well and good for us old-timers who like to stash our pimped-out aluminum walkers in the coat check and “get wild” on the dance floor. But what about the youth? With what new genre are they to leave their neon mark upon nightlife? Which party style will mark their generation for endless send-ups and retro nights 30 years hence? The banger scene, of course, fronting a hardcore electro sound tinged with sweet silvery linings and stuttery vocals that’s captured the earbuds and bass bins of a new crop of clubbers. Nowhere are the bangers hotter (or younger) than at the sort-of weekly 18-and-over party Blow Up at the Rickshaw Stop, now entering its third year of booming rapaciousness. Blow Up, with resident DJs Jeffrey Paradise and Richie Panic and a mindblowing slew of globe-trotting guests, doesn’t just stop with killer tunes — almost all of its fabulously sweat-drenched, half-dressed attendees seem to come equipped with a digital camera and a camera-ready look, as befits the ever-online youth of today. Yet Blow Up somehow leaves hipper-than-thou attitude behind. Hangovers, however, often lie ahead.

www.myspace.com/blow_up_415

BEST SCRIBBLER SMACKDOWN

It may not be the Saudi tradition of dueling poets, in which two men swap lines until one can’t think of any more couplets (and is severely punished), but the Literary Death Match series, put on by Opium magazine, is San Francisco’s excellent equivalent, though perhaps less civilized. Try to remember the last poetry reading you attended. Tweedy professors and be-sweatered Mary Oliver acolytes, right? Literary Death Match is not this mind-numbing affair. It’s competitive. It’s freaking edge-of-your-seat. And everyone’s drunk. Readers from four featured publications, either online or in print, do their thing for less than 10 minutes, and guest “celebrity” judges rip participants apart based on three categories: literary merit, performance, and “intangibles” (everything in between). Two finalists duke it out to the literary death until one hero is left standing, unless she or he’s been hitting up the bar between sets. Who needs reality television when we’ve got San Francisco’s version — one in which literary aspirations breed public humiliation, with the possibility of geeky bragging rights afterward?

Various locations. www.literarydeathmatch.com

BEST MISTRESS OF MOTOWN

Drag queens — is there nothing they can’t make a little brighter with their glittering presence? Squeeze a piece of coal hard enough between a perma-smiley tranny’s clenched cheeks and out pops cubic zirconium, dripping with sparkling bon mots. Yet not all gender illusionists go straight for ditzy comic gold or its silver-tongued twin, cattiness. Some “perform.” Others perform. And here we must pause to tip our feathery fedora to she who reps the platinum standard of awe-inspiring cross-dressing performance: Miss Juanita More. No mere Streisand-syncher, class-act Juanita dusts off overlooked musical nuggets of the past and gives them their shiny due. Despite punk-rock tribute trends and goth night explosions, Juanita’s focus stays primarily, perfectly, on that sublime subcultural slice of sonic history known formerly as “race music” and currently as R&B. Her dazzling production numbers utilize large casts of extras, several acts, and impeccable costumery that pays tribute to everything from Scott Joplin’s ragtime to Motown’s spangled sizzle, dirty underground ’70s funk to Patti LaBelle’s roof-raising histrionics. When she’s on spliff-passing point, as she so often is, her numbers open up a pulse-pounding window into other, more bootyful, worlds.

www.juanitamore.com

BEST AMBASSADORS OF DREAD BASS

That cracked and funky dubstep sound surged through Clubland’s speakers last year, an irresistible combination of breakbeats energy, dub wooziness, sly grime, intel glitch, and ragga relaxation. Many parties took the sound into uncharted waters, infusing it with hip-hop hooks, Bollywood extravaganza, roots rock swing, or “world music” folksiness. But only one included all those variations simultaneously, while pumping local and international live acts, fierce visuals, multimedia blowouts, and an ever-smiling crowd of rainbow-flavored fans: Surya Dub, a monthly lowdown hoedown at Club Six. The Surya crew, including perennial Bay favorites DJ Maneesh the Twister and Jimmy Love, and wondrous up-and-comers like Kush Arora, Kid Kameleon, DJ Amar, Ripley, and MC Daddy Frank on the mic, describes its ass-thumping sound as “dread bass,” which moves beyond wordy genre description into a cosmic territory the rumble in your eardrums can surely attest to. Surya Dub keeps it in the community, too, helping to promote a growing network of citywide dubstep events and spreading their dread bass gospel with parties in India.

www.suryadub.com

BEST HELLA GAY BEST OF THE BAY

Very few things in this world are gay enough to warrant the Nor Cal Barney modifier “hella,” but for tattooed karaoke-master Porkchop’s sort-of-monthly series at Thee Parkside, Porkchop Presents, the term seems an understatement. At least three times a season, the mysterious Porkchop gathers her posse of scruffy boozehounds and butt-rockin’ hipsters to the best little dive bar in Potrero for a daylong celebration of the gayest shit on earth. Past events have included Hella Gay Karaoke, Hella Gay Jell-O Wrestling, a Hella Gay Beer Bust, and the all-encompassing nod to gaydom, Something Hella Gay, an ongoing event during which gay folks go drink-for-drink to see who’s the gayest of them all. Join Porkchop and her crew of lowbrow beer snobs at Thee Parkside for arm wrestling competitions, tattoo-offs, and hella gay sing-along battles. You probably won’t win anything because the competition is so stiff and the rules are so lax, but you can rest assured that the smell of stale cigarettes, cheap beer, and sweaty ass will stay in your clothes for at least a week after the show. And that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?

Best of the Bay 2009: Food and Drink

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January 4, 2010

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Editors Picks: Food and Drink

BEST CRAB TOWER TO HEAVEN

Somebody call the Fish Police — we should be cited for loitering at this convivial Italian seafood restaurant. Following the tradition of cicchetti, exquisite little dishes shared family style, Pesce offers communal creations that bring a playful yet authentic touch of Venice to Russian Hill. It can get a bit loud in the narrow, tiled dining room, but you (and hopefully a date or two) will be ensconced in your own world of flavor as you swoon over rich dishes like the porcini pappardelle with braised duck, delectable white anchovy-topped bruschetta, an inimitably tangy tonno puttanesca, and, if you’re lucky enough to visit when it’s on the dessert menu, a warm, sweet budin (bread pudding) garnished with seasonal fruits that makes “sharing” a risky maneuver. But the small plate that really sends us soaring is Pesce’s justly famous crab tower, less a tower than a little stairway to heaven layered with Dungeness, avocado, cucumber, basil, tomato, and a drizzle of red wine vinaigrette. Alas, it’s demolished all too quickly. Care to climb another?

2227 Polk, SF. (415) 928-8025, www.pescesf.com

BEST RECIPE FOR A COMFORT FOOD COMA

Restraint, self-discipline, and moderation have their place. But that place is not Hard Knox Cafe, the soul food kitchen that blithely (and thankfully!) ruins diets and courts cardiac arrest. This is a place of comfort and indulgence, with fried-chicken battered just right, ribs whose meat melts off the bone, and mac ‘n’ cheese so rich that even Southerners have trouble finishing it. Add in a couple moist, piping-hot corn muffins — worth the visit alone — and you’re on your way to a food coma that’ll last all day. So clear your calendar, put on your elastic pants, and settle into a cushy red two-seater for an afternoon of collard greens, blackened catfish, and black-eyed peas in portions big enough to sink a cow. We know you want it — and at $10 for an entrée with two sides plus muffins, we know you can afford it too.

2526 3rd St., SF. (415) 648-3770; 2448 Clement, SF. (415) 752-3770, www.hardknoxcafe.com

BEST PLACE TO RIND DOWN

Far from clueless snackers who group their cheeses by color and call it a day, fromage groupies are fervent about their curdy calling — which may be why the San Francisco School of Cheese has been consistently selling out its classes since opening in 2006. Courses cover everything from cheese species (cow, goat, and sheep, of course) to regions (France, Italy, Spain, Australia, and Wisconsin are all represented, as are a bevy of exotic locales off the Mediterranean coast). The courses also cater to all levels (amateurs and connoisseurs alike), and teach beverage pairings (beer, wine, what-have-you). Located on a quiet street in North Beach, the Cheese School offers two-hour evening classes taught by one of 10 instructors in spacious headquarters, all for about $60. Sounds bougie as hell? Sure, but it also sounds delicious.

2155 Powell, SF. (415) 346-7530, www.cheeseschoolsf.com

BEST USER-GENERATED CHOCOLATE

The Bay Area has long been home to innovative applications of technology. But rarely have those innovations been as tasty as TCHO, the experimental chocolate company created by Wired co-founder Louis Rossetto and cocoa guru Karl Bittong. Using software development as a model, the pair first launched the company by presenting chocolates in beta form and collecting consumer feedback. Their system for classifying tastes is similarly scientific, creating a flavor wheel that explains the different flavors inherent in chocolate (such as fruity, nutty, or citrus) and then making varieties that are the purest expressions of those attributes. Now in its 2.0 phase, the company produces sustainably sourced chocolate in a stark white lab-like factory at Pier 17, using manufacturing machinery rescued from an old European castle. But a stop by the adjacent café, where you can sample flavors and hear cocogeeks talk about the production process, illuminates where the science stops and the poetry starts — it’s in your mouth.

Pier 17, SF. (415) 981-0189, www.tcho.com

BEST ABUSE BOUCHE

Conan O’Brien’s 2007 commercial for a Chinese restaurant that has its front door next to the kitchen and doesn’t serve fortune cookies (“No fortune cookies,” the actors exclaim. “Yay!”) may be fake, but the place he (and Martha Stewart) are pretending to endorse is real: Chinatown’s Sam Wo. The institution — occupying parts of three stories — has been serving noodles, dumplings, and stir-fry in its cramped dining room for eons, and is as famous for its odd atmosphere and bizarre customer service as it is for its late-night hours. Too bad famed waiter (and Herb Caen darling) Edsel Ford Fong — known for screaming at customers, admonishing them for not washing their hands, or dumping soup on them — passed away in 1984. But fear not: we’ve heard reports that current servers have physically removed patrons for sitting in the wrong chair. If you’re looking for a place where the customer is always right and the bathroom is always clean, go elsewhere. But for some post-barhopping chop suey, served up with history and maybe some light abuse, there’s nowhere better.

813 Washington, SF. (415) 982-0596

BEST CAFÉ THAT SAVES THE DAY

Lazy Saturday mornings in San Francisco haven’t been the same since owner David Pinch peeled the Spiderman wrapping paper from Caffeinated Comics Company‘s windows this spring. Café culture has been heroically transformed. No longer must graphic novel geeks suffer the indignity of stares from those novel readers and crossword puzzle solvers, the coffee house elite whose imagined superiority is evident in every stripe of plaid on their cardigan. Here, Marvel fans can select their comics along with their Four Barrel coffee, browsing until they feel the rush of newfound superpowers — or maybe that’s the espresso. Either way, we predict this volatile combination of coffee and comics will have more staying power than Joss Whedon has brilliant ideas.

3188 Mission, SF. (415) 829-7530, www.caffcom.com

BEST IT’S-IT ITERATION

It’s hard to argue with the accessible, lowbrow perfection of an It’s It — that delightful ice cream and cookie concoction invented in San Francisco in 1928. But if you’re looking for an alternative a step or five higher on the culinary chart, look no further than Ici. This Berkeley shop features ice cream and cookies made from scratch with ingredients grown by local farmers, under the watchful eyes of former Chez Panisse pastry chef Mary Canales and her talented crew. Eleven flavors of creams, sorbets, and sherbets are available every day, featuring seasonal ingredients and available in cups, pints, or homemade organic cones — and topped with fresh toppings such as bittersweet hot fudge. Our favorite delivery method is between two delicate fresh-made gingersnaps or chocolate cookies, individually wrapped in foil for easy transport. It’s an It’s-It for the locavore generation. What’s next? An artisanal Big Stick? A sustainably-sourced Otter Pop? We can only hope.

2948 College, Berk. (510) 665-6054, www.ici-icecream.com

BEST HARD-TO-FIND BREAKFAST

There are no official hours at Pastores, the restaurant at the corner of Mission and Cortland that caters only to those in the know (which now includes you). But guessing when (and if) you can get huevos rancheros at this elusive Mission District kitchen is part of its charm. The front door is small and easy to miss. If you find it and then locate the scantily decorated restaurant at the end of a long hallway, you’ll already feel as though you’ve accomplished something. But the real treat comes when your server — also the cook and owner — greets you as if you’ve entered her home, takes your order, and then places a heaping plate of spicy eggs, salsa, rice, and beans before you. Is that burning sensation simply the homemade salsa sizzling against your chapped lips? Or is it the pride of discovery and serendipity? We’re going with the latter.

3486 Mission, SF. (415) 642-5385

BEST BACK-ALLEY WINE BAR

Not all wine connoisseurs are leisure-class snobs with fancy Italian boots, nice homes, and shiny sports cars. Some are the cooks, chefs, waiters, sommeliers, and bartenders who’ve been serving (deliciously) rotten grape juice to those with money to spend. It’s the latter group of experts that cook-turned-wine-guru Chris Fuqua had in mind when he started Hotel Biron, a wine bar with an atmosphere and menu designed to match the paradoxically high-end/lowbrow proclivities of those in the service industry. What does that mean? Beer offerings that range from obscure pilsners to Tecate in a can. Scrumptious meat and cheese platters. A mind-blowing wine list. And an unpretentious location next to a row of Dumpsters down a mid-Market alleyway. All of which adds up to the perfect nightly hangout for those with one foot firmly planted on either side of the American dream.

45 Rose, SF. (415) 703-0403, www.hotelbiron.com

BEST “RESTAURANT” WITHIN A RESTAURANT

It isn’t Lung Shan’s eggrolls or its all-you-can-eat buffet that has foodies in skinny jeans forming a line outside the restaurant on Thursday and Saturday evenings. In fact, none of the patient patrons — who sometimes wait more than an hour for a table — are here to eat at the Chinese restaurant at all. Sure, they sit in its dining room and enjoy food that comes out of its kitchen, but on these nights, Lung Shan becomes Mission Street Food, a restaurant within a restaurant that features different culinary talent each time. The phenomenon has earned a fanatical following despite — or perhaps because of — the things it lacks: a set menu, a space of its own, a regular chef. Each evening sees different deliciously playful dishes, like the Milky Snixertweers Kat, a terrine of candy bars and vanilla ice cream. Prices are low (most entrées hover around the $10 mark), and the profits are donated to charity. You don’t need a cookie to tell you that’s good fortune.

2234 Mission, SF. Missionstreetfood.blogspot.com

BEST RECESSION-PROOF SUSHI

Common wisdom suggests that sushi can be either cheap or good, but never both. Ichi disagrees. The Bayview-based company run by Erin Archuleta and her partner Tim, a veteran sushi chef, prides itself on providing restaurant-quality, sustainable (when possible) sushi in unconventional settings, all at low prices. Most locals know Archuleta’s rolls, nigiri, and specialty items from catered nights at Bender’s, the Knockout, Mr. Barbershop, or 111 Minna, where fresh fishy delights can be obtained for less than $5. But Ichi also provides lunchtime service for clients at Google, YouTube, IDEO Design, and 826 Valencia. Whether you’re looking for happy hour eats in the Mission or an alternative to a croissanwich platter at your office party in the Finanical District, you can’t beat Ichi in sushi-bang for your ever-dwindling bucks.

(415) 822-4024, www.ichisushi.com

BEST EAST BAY IMITATION OF WEST AFRICA

There may have been a time when authentic Senegalese food was just too exotic for the Bay Area palate — but that time has long passed. At Lam Toro, nothing has been watered down for American tastes, from the spicy kick of habanero relish to the bones you’re expected to pick out of your fish entrée. For an extra bit of authenticity, call ahead to have dishes like ceebu jen (fish sautéed in a tomato-spiced rice, considered the national dish) or yassa (chicken or fish simmered in a garlic, mustard, and lemon sauce) served family-style on a large plate in the middle of the table. Then enjoy hibiscus and ginger drinks while dining among a diverse crowd of West Africans, Afrophiles, and Peace Corps alumni. A fantastic East Bay complement to San Francisco’s Bissap Baobab, this bright, cheerful eatery is the perfect place to experience Senegalese hospitality without needing a passport.

2432 Telegraph, Oakl; (510) 832-1010

BEST CUSTARD IN A CUP

Sure, the mole at La Oaxaqueña Bakery and Restaurant is the shizzle. And the mammoth Mexican pizzas, along with other regional specialties served in this glaringly-lit hole-in-the-wall, are muy excellente. But it’s the housemade flan that really gets our locomotora running. Far from the boring dessert most of us have learned to ignore, this version is creamy and silken with intense vanilla flavor, lightly sweetened by a perfect puddle of caramel sauce. You won’t even care about the uninviting, disposable, cafeteria-style plastic containers the flan comes in — once you’ve licked ’em clean.

2128 Mission, SF. (415) 621-5446

BEST WAY TO GET PHAT

It’s no secret that the West Coast trounces our Eastern comrades on numerous fronts — weather, culture, blondes. But alas, there has always been the cheese steak factor, the one superior trait that your Atlantic Ocean-based relatives can hang over your head as cause for return eastward. Thankfully, Phat Philly’s has removed that weapon from your family’s arsenal. The 24th Street eatery features fresh Kobe beef, 12-inch Amoroso rolls shipped from Philly, and a cheese selection that includes Whiz, the glorious liquefied dairy product that covers steak and onions like a radioactive landslide. Not only is Phat Philly’s classic cheesesteak perfectly dialed to East Coast standards, but the restaurant’s menu also boasts an impressive range of other tasty options, such as crisscut waffle fries, steakhouse chili, and buffalo wings smothered in Mr. Pibb’s barbecue sauce. Add in a toppings bar of various peppers with limitless soda refills, and you may never have to visit your relatives again.

3388 24th St., SF. (415) 550-7428, www.phat-philly.com

BEST MOUTHFUL OF ZEN

The tea-mongers’ invasion of San Francisco is gaining momentum. Samovar Lounge has added its third venue to the fold, and all of “Zen Valley” is abuzz. Perched on the top of Page and Laguna, this branch of the tea empire is crafted from reclaimed wood and iron, including a long bar of wind-fallen redwood, and features a variety of teas sure to reclaim even the most jaded coffee palate. With a full spectrum of artisanal whites, greens, and blacks, plus edibles such as delicate lavender cookies, hearty Japanese maki bowls, and winsome sandwiches, Samovar’s emphasis on taste, texture, and traditional tea service both tantalizes the senses and engages the mind. Surprising, refreshing, and invigorating, a trip to Samovar is a bit like visiting a spa retreat for the tongue.

297 Page, SF. (415) 861-0303, www.samovarlife.com

BEST HOMEMADE HANGOVER FOOD

The original Moulin Rouge was known as a place for drinking and debauchery. Our favorite S.F. version is a friendly, family-owned diner perfect for recovering from such shenanigans. The husband-and-wife team serves up legendary omelets and corned beef hash in portions hefty enough to soak up last night’s alcohol, while teetotalling friends who’ve joined you for breakfast won’t be disappointed by cream cheese-<\d>stuffed thick-cut French toast. And everyone will appreciate being able to get a meal and coffee for less than $10 — especially when you won’t know how much you spent at that Tenderloin bar the previous night until you go back to pick up your forgotten credit card.

887 Geary, SF. (415) 928-0158

BEST WAY TO PRETEND TO EAT NONEDIBLES

Debbie Goard is to cake what Karl Lagerfeld is to cloth. Both have the eye of an artist, the hands of a sculptor, and a fondness for classic quilted Chanel bags. But while Lagerfeld’s denim and sequin satchels may look good enough to eat, Goard’s purse cakes actually are. The Oakland-based baker behind Debbie Does Cakes specializes in turning any object — and we mean any — into an edible masterpiece. She’s made a giant iPhone cake for Apple, tiny replicas of cosmetics for Benefit, and a three-foot version of San Francisco’s Union Bank of California to commemorate its 100th anniversary. And those are just the corporate jobs. Her Flickr account proves she can turn flour, sugar, and eggs into severed feet, rice cookers, dead rats, and just about every type of toy dog known to humanity. In fact, we’re willing to bet she could construct a confection of Lagerfeld himself.

www.debbiedoescakes.net

BEST PRE-GAME DOG

As Mission Bay continues its dull development in the shadow of AT&T Park, it is good to know that there are still some real-deal holdouts from a time before the neighborhood devolved into generic condo chaos. The Java House has been serving up delicious blue-collar fare for sailors and longshoreworkers since 1912 (before Willie Mays was even a pup), retaining its prime location along South Beach Harbor within pitching distance of the ballpark. Stop by for top-notch, pregame burgers and chili dogs — without the major league price gouging — or a breakfast of pancakes and eggs, all still served up by owner Philip Papadopoulos. Affordable, delicious food with history and a view? That’s a home run.

Pier 40, SF. (415) 495-7620, www.javahousesf.com

BEST DRIVE-BY BURRITO

Serving first-rate organic Southwest-style Mexican cuisine, Green Chile Kitchen has grown so popular for its fantastically fresh plates of blue corn enchiladas, green chile stew, and $2 bottles of Pacifico that seats are often in short supply. This is particularly true during peak feeding hours, when locals have grown inclined to bring along the entire family for one of Green Chile’s whole Fulton Valley rotisserie chicken meals (with cheesy mashed potatoes and fresh calabacitas). Luckily, for those who can’t wait for their grilled Niman Ranch pork burrito, the cozy NoPa eatery provides drive-by service. Just call in your order and cruise by the restaurant. Someone will run your grub curbside. Eager eaters and drive-through fans may never eat at Taco Bell again.

601 Baker, SF. (415) 614-9411, www.greenchilekitchen.com

BEST JAPANESE PIZZA

There are many cuisines you’d probably never want to see featuring pizza, though after you’ve tried okonomiyaki, you’ll realize that Japanese isn’t one of them. Okonomiyaki, served hot at Mifune Don at the Peace Plaza in Japantown, is a savory and highly addictive little pancake made with a flour-based batter that includes yam, cabbage, dashi, and eggs, then topped with ingredients such as mochi, seafood, and kimchi. Like pizza, the whole thing is often accompanied with cheese; unlike its Italian cousin, it sometimes includes mayonnaise. Though this description may sound revolting, the Osaka specialty is extremely difficult to dislike. And Mifune Don’s version is the best you’ll find this side of the Pacific.

22 Peace Plaza, SF. (415) 346-1993

BEST COOKING CLUB FOR COOL KIDS

Cook Here and Now is not just a statement, it’s a newfangled take on the old-fashioned potluck. This underground cooking and tasting club gathers for periodic food-a-thons in a donated kitchen space, often the Zocalo furniture store in Bayview. And while the movement has gained national attention — last year CHN appeared in Travel + Leisure and Food & Wine magazines, and it has inspired similar cooking clubs as far away as Melbourne, Australia — locally the group has remained under the radar. (Which is just as well, because attendees are ferociously loyal, and each event tends to fill the 40-or-so seats mere minutes after being announced.) Attendees must sign up in advance and agree to prepare part of the community meal based on a theme or ingredient. Then they shop for ingredients, bring kitchen tools to the meet-up, and spend nine hours cooking, chatting, drinking, eating, and cleaning — all in the pursuit of one-upping each other with well-sourced ingredients, cooking technique, and culinary wow.

www.cookhereandnow.com

BEST WAY TO GET FIRED UP

We are unfathomably fortunate to be rolling in great, rustic, old world bread in the Bay Area, never needing to suffer the indignities of spongy-goo crumbs and lifeless crusts that are the cruel fate of other carb-loving gastro-regions. Although we’re surrounded by many good bakeries, there is only one choice for King of the Loaves. That’s Oakland’s Firebrand Artisan Breads. This latest addition to the East Bay bakery scene crafts its incredible bread (the rye is our hands-down fave among baguettes and batards) in a wood-fired oven, which results in the crispest, heartiest, most robust crust that yeast, water, and grain can yield. It’s dense, rustic, and unparalleled. Plus, the shop’s a heckuva lot closer to San Francisco than Freestone’s Wild Flour Bakery in West Marin.

1552 Beach, Oakl. (510) 594-9213, www.firebrandartisanbreads.com

BEST PUCKER FOR PENNIES

Candies imported from Mexico and South America have gotten a bad rap in recent years. But that’s no reason to overlook the confection entirely — particularly when such an outstanding specimen is made in the East Bay: Dulceria Miriam‘s tamarind candy. Situated next to the cash registers of many a Latino market are the unpresumptuous plastic jars of Dulceria Miriam’s candy, whose sweet pucker cannot be beat. The ingredient list is deceptively simple: fresh tamarind and sugar, sometimes with the addition of salt and/or cayenne. But the way this independent candymaker cultivates this brown, sticky magic is a sour-candy fan’s greatest dream. Whether the dessert is stuck to a plastic spoon and wrapped in a wad of plastic (the messiest and the best) or served hard and chewy on a stick, the full-blown tropical flavor makes you salivate for more. And all that tang for a mere couple of quarters? Not since the first Pac Man arcade games have we found this much joy for this little coinage.

BEST “TACO” IN THE CASTRO

When considering eating in the Castro, most of us are more likely to think of attractive dining rooms and steep prices than impressive Indian cuisine. But one argument against this neighborhood’s culinary reputation for style above substance is Kasa Indian Eatery. This 18th Street eatery provides an attractive atmosphere along with delicious food, particularly the kati roll: Calcutta’s street food answer to the taco, featuring four flaky, ghee-laden wraps filled with flavor-forward curries. Particularly impressive are the veggie options, including bhangin bharta, a smoky-sweet eggplant mash punctuated with the pop of fresh peas, and karahi paneer, a toothsome cheese tossed with silken green peppers in a light tomato sauce. But carnivores won’t be disappointed with (free-range) chicken tikka, or one of the other rotating meat-based specials. And the rolls are just five bucks a pop. Affordable, edible, and attractive food in the Castro? The only thing better would be if they delivered to your neighborhood. Oh wait. They do.

4001 18th St., SF. (415) 621-6940, www.kasaindian.com

BEST LATE NIGHT PIG-OUT

Any restaurant open seven days a week until 3 a.m. deserves serious awesomeness points. But Pizza Zone & Grill not only has late hours (including delivery until 2:45 a.m. every day), but pizza that’s actually pretty damn good. Slices are made to order and come double-sized, so they’re always fresh and big enough for your post-bar belly rumblings. And if you’re not in the mood for pizza, you can also order burgers, sandwiches, salads, and appetizers. Right across from Zeitgeist and only blocks from the rest of northern Valencia’s watering holes, this convenient family-owned fueling station may forever eliminate your need to visit Taco Bell Heights’ namesake landmark. You’re welcome.

178 Valencia, SF. (415) 701-7300, pizzazoneandgrill.com

BEST MID-MORNING MENU

There’s breakfast, and then there’s brunch. Breakfast was invented to fuel your work day on the farm, or fight last night’s hangover, or maybe to make the price of your stay at the Comfort Inn seem like a better deal. But brunch is an indulgence, suggesting leisure, pleasure, and good company. One of our favorite spots for this meal-between-meals is Mission Beach Cafe. With a poetic menu, clean design elements, a sunny dining room, and the blissful absence of club music, this Guerrero Street stop is the perfect spot for a morning(ish) meal that’s stylish without trying too hard. Sip Blue Bottle coffee while you wait for a pulled pork sandwich with onion citrus relish, or soufflé pancakes with blueberry compote. Or simply eye those waiting in line (seating can take as long as 30 minutes on a weekend) while you imagine the beef brisket hash or spiced fried eggs with horseradish crème fraiche that are coming your way. And since this special meal takes the place of two regular ones, you might even consider your $15 entrée a bargain.

198 Guerrero, SF. (415) 861-0198, www.missionbeachcafesf.com

BEST FIELD TRIP FOR THE FRAT BOY IN ALL OF US

There are benefits to drinking local beers, beyond getting locavore points and microbrew cred. The best thing about having a brewery in your very own city is the chance to see how that most awesome of libations is made. Anchor Steam gives tours of its Potrero Hill facility every weekday — 45 minutes of walking and 45 minutes of tasting. Groups witness the whole process, including bottling, while getting a full history of Anchor’s trademark steam beer that’s been made in San Francisco since 1896 (though the current recipe has only been around since Fritz Maytag bought the business in 1965). The tour is something like a grade-school field trip mixed with a post-college wine tour. You’ll get all the educational (and mind-altering) benefits without the boredom (or the school-bus smell). Don’t believe us? Tours are so popular they are booked solid three to six weeks in advance.

1705 Mariposa, SF. (415) 863-8350, www.anchorbrewing.com

BEST SUSTAINABLE SHORE THING

Beach fare tends to fall into two food groups: snacks and beer. But where do health nuts go when they want to fuel up for sun and sand? A feel-good option for smoothie-drinking vegans and sustainability-conscious locavores alike is Judahlicious, a registered green business that serves sandwiches, raw vegan desserts, and fresh sandwiches hearty enough for a day of riding gnar gnar breaks or light enough for an afternoon of displaying brand-new hemp bikinis. Hippie jokes aside, though: we love that this independent business supports local organic farmers, uses compostable and recycleable products, and hand-sorts waste to contribute to organic soil for a small, native-plant nursery in the city. And it doesn’t hurt that the food is delicious.

3906 Judah, SF. (415) 66-JUICE, www.judahlicious.com

BEST WAY TO BRING HOME THE BACON

It’s just too easy making sexual jokes about how much the three women who own Avedano‘s love their meat. Besides, the trio who revamped a century-old butcher shop are nothing if not serious about their mission to serve curious carnivores. Co-owner and Sociale executive chef Tia Harrison and her partners have combined the traditions of a classic meat market with the sensibilities of sustainability to create a neighborhood butchery perfect for the eco-conscious-yet-bacon-loving city that spawned Meatpaper. The shop not only sells what’s for dinner, but offers classes on everything from butchering a suckling pig to handling a hacksaw — after which students take home $100 worth of fresh meat. But don’t think all this dedication means the Avedano’s ladies have no sense of humor. A recent sign board read, “Nothing Beats Back Fat.” Uh, that’s what she said?

235 Cortland, SF. (415) 285-MEAT, www.avedanos.com

BEST BELLYFUL WITH BELLY DANCE

Some pundits will argue that belly dance is rarely, if ever, a regular part of African and Middle Eastern dining; they say, in fact, it’s a rare or underground activity made mainstream for Aladdin-loving tourists with Arabian Nights fantasies. To them we say, so what? Sometimes we want our dinner with a bit of Disney flair — particularly if the food itself is authentic and delicious. A perfect example is Al-Masri, the Egyptian eatery in a far-flung corner of the Outer Richmond whose cuisine and décor say “fertile crescent” and whose entertainment says “for Americans.” Talented ladies jiggle their hips while you fill your stomach with towering columns of eggplant, perfect pyramids of spice rice, lamb kebabs, and lentil stew. What could be more festive? More delicious? More of a pleasant departure from the predictability of taquerias and mariachis in the Mission, and creperies and easy listening in the Castro?

4031 Balboa, SF. (415) 876-2300, www.almasrisfca.com

BEST PLACE NOT TO ORDER A COCKTAIL

Heaven’s Dog is nirvana for cocktail lovers — which is exactly why you should never order a cocktail here. Don’t get your usual. Don’t examine the drink list. Instead, look the bartender in the eye and confidently say these three words: freedom from choice. By doing, so you’ll be putting the fate of your drink order in the hands of the ridiculously talented bar staff, which specializes in flawless, bespoke libations. When your drink arrives, be it a Biarritz Monk Buck or a Bumble Bee, your guide — who is not only a master bartender but also a font of liquorous wisdom — will serve it up with a side of fascinating history. This is one bar that control freaks and those who fear change need not belly up to, but people with a little faith will be deliciously rewarded with the best drink they’ve ever had the good sense not to order.

1148 Mission, SF. (415) 863-6008, www.heavensdog.com

BEST FOOD CART WITH A CIVIC HEART

What would the pop-up food stand be without Twitter? In the case of the Creme Brulee Cart, it would be less of a community service organizer. Thanks to the micro-blogging tool, fans of Curtis Kimball’s fine desserts can find out where in the city he’s selling his lavender or orange Creamsicle-flavored delights (all costing less than a BART ticket to Berkeley). But lately, it’s also how Kimball is getting the word out about My Dolores Park, a new project focused on reclaiming — and cleaning up — the Mission’s favorite sunny-day stop. We’re fans of all three of the newest pop-up restaurateurs, including Murat from the Amuse Bouche Cart and Kimball’s brother, the Magic Curry Man. But we have a particular soft spot for the guy who’s dedicated to expanding hipster bellies and their civic engagement.

www.twitter.com/cremebruleecart, www.twitter.com/mydolorespark

BEST HAM ‘N’ EGGS ‘N’ HAM ‘N’ HAM ‘N’ HAM

In this town, necessity isn’t the mother of invention — eggs are. But whom should we credit for S.F.’s extensive ovo-innovation? Dr. Seuss, whose Green Eggs and Ham may have presaged the pesto or avocado scramble? Whatsisname Benedict (or was it Benedict Whatsisname?), who put the English muffin under the ham and hollandaise? The Mexicans, who added chili and tortillas and begot chilaquiles? The Jews, who threw unleaveded bread into the mix and made matzo brie? Locally, we’re voting for the Pork Store Café, home of the best nouveau melding of somethin’ ‘n’ eggs so far: the Scralifornia. Although the concoction of eggs, salsa, feta cheese, and avocado doesn’t seem particularly Californian (well, OK, the avocado does), the result transcends mere scrambles and statehood. Of course, the Pork Store didn’t get its name by doing right only by vegans. Word is that the ham, chorizo, pork loin, bacon, and other homages to the pig also go down real easy. Scralifornia, here we come.

1451 Haight, SF. (415) 864-6981; 3122 Valencia, SF. (415) 626-5523

BEST FROZEN YOGURT OF THE FUTURE

Remember when we used to refer to froyo with two separate words, flavors were limited to chocolate and vanilla (or, if you in a particularly exotic suburb, peanut butter), and people behind a counter decided how much to put in your cup? Times they are a-changin.’ And we like it. Especially at Icebee, the cheerily strange frozen yogurt shop behind the Westfield shopping center. Not only can you get delicious dessert made with live and active cultures (apparently, they do survive freezing) in flavors like green tea and mango (and plenty others — take that, Pinkberry). But the serve-yourself setup means you decide exactly what ratio of yogurt to toppings you want in your biodegradable cup. At 46 cents an ounce, you only pay for what you get, whether it’s a mere taste of blueberry yogurt and fresh fruit as a post-shopping refresher or a full serving of New York Cheese Cake with candy toppings as consolation for the crappy movie you saw across the street.

829 Mission, SF. (415) 882-7800, www.icebeeyogurt.com

BEST NEW SPOT FOR GETTING YOUR YAYAS

When Yaya closed, we thought our city’s steamy affair with Iraqi chef Yahya Salih was over. Lucky for us, the Middle Eastern gourmet is back with Jannah, a casual new eatery between Poleng Lounge and Papalote in the Western Addition. Under murals depicting blue sea and sky, diners can dig into traditional-sounding food that’s anything but predictable — all for under $11 a dish. We love the standards — hummus, baba ghanoush, and kebabs — but are even more delighted with juices made from fresh fruits, raisins, and mint; dips like mama ghanooge (accented with carrot and cardamom) or hudhud ghanoush (turnip and dates); and a savory phyllo dish with seafood, fava and garbanzo beans, and sun-dried lime. Desserts are equally revelatory, like kahi phyllo pockets stuffed with warm cardamom-redolent cream. Best of all? Now that our relationship with Salih is secure, we don’t have to roam the city for some embarrassing Yaya rebound.

1775 Fulton, SF. (415) 567-4400

BEST COMFORT CARB

Every culture has their comfort soup ingredient. Jews have matzo balls. The Japanese have miso. The … well … everyone … has noodles with chicken. But when it comes to belly-warming, tear-clearing supper on a spoon, it’d be hard for any culture to compete with that Chinese specialty, the wonton. When the fog rolls over the Richmond, or a metaphorical mist chills your heart, there’s no better place to cure what ails you than Shanghai Dumpling King. The steaming bowls of wonton soup are big enough to feed two, which means either a chance to administer a double dose of self-care or an opportunity to share with a friend (misery loves company, as does a good meal). If you’re sharing, you may have room for dim sum, graciously served for dinner. By the time you finish the BBQ pork buns and fresh, simple, perfectly chewy wontons in savory broth, you’ll hardly remember whatever misery sent you seeking Shanghai in the first place.

3319 Balboa, SF. (415) 387-2088

BEST LUNCH ON A LOADING DOCK

Ambiance is overrated. That’s what you learn by lunching at Kitchenette, the new eatery located in the oft-overlooked Dogpatch neighborhood. Instead of spending time and money designing a glitzy post-industrial space, the chef-owners behind Kitchenette opted for a real-deal industrial loading dock with a commanding view of the long-term storage facility across the street, allowing them to spend more time and money on what really matters: the food. A new menu, posted online the night before service, is available Monday through Friday from 11:30 a.m. until 1:30 p.m., or until the food runs out — which it often does, particularly on Taco Tuesdays, when lucky eaters chow down on corn tortillas filled with Niman Ranch pork carnitas topped with guacamole, salsa, and cabbage. Each lunch menu offers a superb veggie option (in the form of a salad, sandwich, or bento box) — as well as one for carnivores — alongside two or three additional snacks and a Cookie of the Moment (Hello, maple bacon snickerdoodles!).There’s really only one word that does Kitchenette justice: yum.

958 Illinois, SF. www.kitchenettesf.com

BEST BURGERS OVER 40

Not all burgers are created equal. You know it, we know it, and Hamburger Haven does too. Think about it: Anybody can heat up a patty, slap it on a bun, and call it grilled gold. But that doesn’t mean it’s going to taste good. It takes a lot of effort, love, and time to create a true masterpiece. Which is exactly what Hamburger Haven has been cranking out since 1968. Hamburger Haven does breakfast, dinner, and dessert, but the real focus here is on burgers. BBQ sauce-<\d>slathered, chili-drenched, Reuben-inspired — you name it and Hamburger Haven does it better than anyone else in the city. Which partially explains why the place has been around so long, but not entirely. The simple down-home charm of H.H. is what we appreciate. From the decor, to the service, right down to the presentation, Hamburger Haven is a no-nonsense burger shack where the only frills you’ll find will be mashed inside your buns. Simple, pure, haven-ly.

800 Clement, SF. (415) 387-3260

BEST PLACE FOR A PARISIAN DINNER DATE

On a charming, leafy Castro block, one with the spirit of a European neighborhood, sits L’Ardoise Bistro, a real-deal French bistro that effortlessly marries casual intimacy with romantic intrigue. Gracious French staff, closely set tables, and a chalkboard (the restaurant’s namesake) evoke your most beloved Parisian dinners, replete with the effortless sexiness that we love in a city like Paris. But what places it among S.F.’s beloved classic bistros, like Chapeau! and Clementine, is heartwarming food. Your date can’t help but cozy up to you after perfectly cooked coq au vin, duck leg confit, or seafood gratin. Escargot, pommes frites, and charcuterie also abound, with plenty of French wines to pair with. And the love needn’t dissipate once you get the check…. Portions are generous and the highest priced dish on the menu is $19. Viva la romance!

151 Noe, SF. (415) 437-2600, www.ardoisesf.com

BEST WABI-SABI AND COFFEE

We’re not sure if Hollow, the new café in the coffee-shop-deprived Inner Sunset, is actually an example of wabi-sabi design principles. But it’s undeniable the shop embraces simplicity, an affinity for nature, and an appreciation of the unconventional — the essence of the Japanese aesthetic philosophy, which the co-owners (an interior designer and freelance programmer) wholeheartedly appreciate. In fact, everything about Hollow is modest and unconventional: its tiny space; its earthy palette of green, brown, and silver hues; its limited selection of quality delicacies (truffles, cashew cookies) and Ritual espressos (no drip coffee here); and its selection of rustic trinkets for sale (birdcages and nests, African masks, antlers, retro matchboxes, and alchemist vases). Whether you know about Buddhist-inspired art forms or not, you’ll find that this cabinet of caffeine and curiosities is an exquisite sanctuary in the Inner Sunset.

1435 Irving, SF. (415) 242-4119, www.hollowsf.com

BEST FREE BBQ

Everyone knows the best hangover busters are a good, protein-heavy meal and a bit of hair of the dog. Problem is, those who need relief most tend to be the ones who spent the most money getting themselves hungover in the first place. What to do when you only have enough cash for beer or food, but not both? If it’s Sunday, go to (the aptly named) Bender’s. Every week the Mission dive provides free BBQ, including meat and veggie options. At $2, Pabst Blue Ribbon is so cheap you can afford to have hair from several dogs. And for those who live close enough, just hop on your fixie and take advantage of indoor bike parking. Just remember to pace yourself, because tomorrow lunch is gonna cost you.

Sundays, 3–7 p.m. 806 S. Van Ness, SF. (415) 824-1800, www.bendersbar.com

BEST GYPSY WOMAN WITH A PERMANENT ADDRESS

Is it the sexy, swanky décor that makes Gitane so appealing? The genius bartenders who whip up tasty tipples with a smile? The bacon bonbons and fresh bread served in a deceptively small dining room that feels both grand and intimate? Yes, yes, and hell yes. We didn’t know what to expect when the founders of Café Claude opened this gypsy-themed restaurant, but were delighted to find that the designers and chef took elements from gypsy culture and the countries where gypsies — or rather, the Roma people — have historically lived, and combined them into a lovely, unexpected, and unpredictably consistent mélange. Grab a date for a cocktail (perhaps the Gypsy, Gitane’s twist on the St. Germain’s elderflower trend) or dinner (if they’re on the menu, order the melt-in-your-mouth ribs), or simply stop in for a glimpse at the bar’s reflective ceiling or the mezzanine’s illuminated brick wall. Portions are ample enough that you may not have room for dessert — but no matter. An evening at Gitane feels decadent, sensual, and indulgent enough.

6 Claude, SF. (415) 788-6686, www.gitanerestaurant.com

BEST WAY TO EAT ROSEMARY’S BABY

It’s hard to remember life B.H.C.: Before Humphry Slocumbe. Sure, we have plenty of amazing ice cream, and suffer little for want of a good local scoop. But when fine-dining veteran Jake Godby applied his experience at Coi, Fifth Floor, and Boulevard to the art of ice cream, the results were nothing short of great. Stunningly original flavors like Secret Breakfast — a creamy heaven of bourbon and cornflakes — have become the new standard. And we expectantly follow Twitter waiting for postings of the day’s latest flavors, which could range from Peanut Butter Curry to Laphroaig Scotch Rye, and Red Hot Banana to Rosemary’s Baby (rosemary and pine nuts). Sure, those $7.50 pints add up, but what you’re getting for that costly juice (as in Jesus Juice, a flavor featuring Kermit Lynch Côtes du Rhône and Coke Classic flavor) is rich satisfaction mixed with a splash of adventure.

2790 Harrison, SF. (415) 550-6971, www.humphryslocombe.com

BEST SECRET SAZERAC

San Francisco suffers no shortage of well-made classic cocktails. The revival that began more than a decade ago — perhaps the final remnant of the 1990s swing revival — is still pouring it on, and terms like “sidecar,” “bitters,” and “Pimm’s” are ubiquitous on most upscale bar menus. For any gimlet greenhorns anxious to navigate the fraught waters of classic cocktailia with no potential embarrassment or pocketbook deflation, we recommend the generous, spacious, yet still mixology-audacious 83 Proof. Whether you order the Proof’s fancy basil gimlet (with a gentle splash of ginger Cello) or a sturdy, manly Manhattan (with a dark, house-candied Maraschino cherry), the attentive bartenders and companionable atmosphere will put you in a comfortably adventurous mood. If it’s a slower night, the staff may even mix you a kick-ass sazerac, the legendary, labor-intensive ur-cocktail from New Orleans made with rye whiskey, bitters, and sugar in an absinthe-prepped glass. Slink in on a Monday and ask nicely.

83 First St., SF. (415) 296-8383, www.83proof.com

Events listings

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October 13, 2009

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Events listings are compiled by Paula Connelly. Submit items for the listings at listings@sfbg.com.

WEDNESDAY 14

Jungle Effect Commonwealth Club, 2nd floor, 595 Market, SF; (415) 597-6700. 6pm, $15. Hear about the experience of Daphne Miller, MD, as she traveled to five countries around the world where common diseases, such as diabetes, heart disease, cancer, and depression, are rare to learn about how nutrition and indigenous foods can prevent chronic illnesses.

THURSDAY 15

Old Growth Redwoods San Francisco Public Library, Richmond Branch, 351 9th Ave., SF; (415) 557-4277. 6:30pm, free. Learn about the beauty, delicate ecosystem, and challenges we face to preserve California’s old growth redwood forests at this slide show and discussion with William Walsh, development director of the San Francisco Bay chapter of the Sierra Club.

Passage of Tibet’s Salween River KoKo Cocktails, 1060 Geary, SF; (415) 885-4788. Listen to extreme traveler, author, and NPR commentator Craig Childs recount his experience in the first expedition to descended the upper Salween River in Tibet. Featuring breathtaking images and exclusive video footage.

Wild Imagination Contemporary Jewish Museum, 736 Mission, SF; (415) 655-7800, litquake.org. 6pm, free. Hear children’s books authors Daniel Handler, of the Lemony Snicket series, Lisa Brown, and Jonathan Keats explore the privilege of writing for and about children. In conjunction with Litquake and the current exhibition, There’s a Mystery There: Sendak on Sendak.

BAY AREA

Indigenous Permaculture Ecology Center, 2530 San Pablo, Berk.; (510) 548-2220 ext.233. 6:30pm, $5-50. Learn about the methods and practices that traditional farmers from New Mexico use to steward land in order to create sustainable, self-sufficient communities.

SATURDAY 17

Alternative Press Expo Concourse Exhibition Center, 620 7th St., SF; (619) 491-2475. Sat. 11am-7pm, Sun.11am-6pm; $10 , $15 both days. Attend fun and informative programs focused on special guests and various aspects of independent and alternative comics, including some of the top creative talent working in comics today.

Potrero Hill Festival Brunch at the Potrero Hill Neighborhood House, 953 DeHaro; street fair 20th St. between Missouri and Arkansas, SF; www.potrerofestival.com. Brunch 9am, street fair 11am; brunch $10, fair free. Enjoy a traditional New Orleans Jazz Brunch made by students of the California Culinary Academy before heading over to a street fair featuring local vendors selling wares, arts, and crafts, live music, and activities for kids.

SOEX Grand Opening Southern Exposure, 3030 20th Street, SF; (415) 863-2141. 4-10pm, free.

Celebrate Southern Exposure’s new location and the Bay Area artist community by attending their inaugural exhibition, Bellwether, and letting loose at a block party on Alabama between 19th and 20th St. Block party to feature outdoor seating, food from local street food vendors, and music.

Theater Chili Cook Off San Francisco LGBT Community Center, 1800 Market, SF; (415) 255-7846. 2pm; $1 for tastes, $30 all you can eat. Support Bay Area theater organizations while chowing down on some traditional, vegetarian, or "anything goes" chili and vote for your favorite. Featuring live music.

Vegan Bake Sale Ike’s Place, 3506 16th St., SF; vegansaurus.com. 11am, free. Buy baked goods from over 40 bakers. including Violet Sweet Shoppe, Bike Basket Pies, and Fat Bottom Bakery. Proceeds from this delicious and conscientious sale to benefit Give Me Shelter Cat Rescue.

SUNDAY 18

Festival De Los Volcanes Horace Mann Middle School, 3351 23rd St., SF; (415) 642-4404. 10am, free. Join in on this second annual Central American cultural celebration featuring prominent local musicians, poets, rap artists, and community leaders.

Futurism Brava Theater Center, 2781 24th St., SF; (415) 647-2822. 4pm, 6pm, 7:30pm; $10, $15 for both programs. SFMOMA, Italian Cultural Institute, UC Berkeley, YBCA, and SF Center for the Book are teaming up to present a program in the tradition of the 100 year old avant-garde Futurism movement, which aims to combine every art medium. Enjoy a series of short live performances and films unique to this tradition at the Brava Theater. To find out about other Futurism programs happening throughout the Bay Area visit, www.sfmoma.org.

MONDAY 19

Gregory Maguire Jewish Community Center of San Francisco, 3200 California, SF; (415) 292-1233. 8pm, $10-18. Step inside the mind of Gregory Maguire, best-selling author of Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West, which became the basis for the Tony Award-winning musical, Wicked.

Joyce Carol Oates Herbst Theater, 401 Van Ness, SF; (415) 392-4400. 8pm, $20. See Joyce Carol Oates, author of 39 novels, including three forthcoming books, in an interview with KQED’s Michael Krasny as part of a literary series benefiting the 826 Valencia College Scholarship Program.

Reel Fabulous New Conservatory Theater Center, Decker Theater, 25 Van Ness, SF; (415) 861-8972. 7:30pm, $30. Catch the one-night-only benefit starring Bay Area Emmy-winning producer, columnist, critic, and historian Jan Wahl titled, Reel Fabulous: LGBT in Hollywood. The performance will feature stories and clips from films directed by, written by, or starring LGBT artists and technicians.

Veterans Stories Project Oakland Veteran’s Hall, 200 Grand, Oak; (925) 684-4424. 10am, free. Contribute your Pearl Harbor and WWII stories for an online museum project designed to collect and preserve the personal recollections of U.S. wartime Veterans. Homefront civilians who worked in support of the armed forces are also invited to contribute.

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Writers Issue: Eric Haven

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October 7, 2009

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By Johnny Ray Huston

Lots to enjoy about Eric Haven’s The Aviatrix (Buenaventura Press, 32 pages, $4.95): killer anteaters, male masochism, surveillance run amok, a tiny but buxom beauty named Protona, a large monster named Melgor, noxious human odors that might even make George Kuchar blush, and a truly imaginative mind taking advantage of the kind of hilarious and radical shifts in perspective that can only happen in the frames of a comic strip. In conjunction with the appearance of a Haven comic in this week’s Writers Issue, I recently asked the Bay Area resident about his characters, his interesting day job, and his past connection to this rag.

SFBG You have a long-ago connection to the Guardian. Can you tell me the details?
Eric Haven Almost exactly 20 years ago, I entered the Guardian‘s annual cartoon contest. I won first place in the “best comic strip parody” category, and was quoted in the accompanying article as saying, “I hope to be a professional comic book artist by the time I’m 24!” or some such nonsense. I was incredibly naive and thought I could make money with my comics. Ha!

SFBG What books and artists did you like growing up, and today? What are your favorite B-movies?
EH In terms of comics, I was a Marvel zombie growing up. I would pick ’em
up for 10 cents each at a used bookstore in town. Their covers were torn off but I didn’t care… I could go in with a couple bucks and come out with a stack of comics.
Nowadays I tend to read stuff by single creators… not produced by a system which divides the chores among writers, pencilers, letterers, and colorists. I’ve recently enjoyed reading Prison Pit by Johnny Ryan, the “Sulk” series by Jeffrey Brown, and The Red Monkey Double Happiness Book by Joe Daly.
My favorite B-movies are ones where you can see budget constraints. Attack of the Crab Monsters, It Conquered the World, The Colossus of New York, etc. If it looks like the creature was cobbled together in someone’s garage, out of spare parts and supplies found in the attic, and then shot in someone’s back yard, I love it.

SFBG Tales to Demolish seems to cover any range of time and place, from prehistoric eras to present-day Oakland. Are there particular settings or periods you prefer rendering or are you drawn to drawing all manner of realms?
EH I enjoy rendering weird topographies, whether it’s ice-strewn glacial sheets or ancient dinosaur-infested forests or the wilds of my own kitchen. I’ve recently become obsessed with the history of Upstate New York, and have begun work on a comic which has many pages devoted purely to its geography and geology.

SFBG If the Aviatrix came across and read The Aviatrix, what would she think and have to say? How about Protona — what would her view of the book be?
EH The Aviatrix is well aware what’s going on, as I feel her looking over my shoulder when I draw. Who knows what she thinks? She’s inscrutable, unknowable. Protona would wonder why I drew her so tiny.
She’s actually not that small… close, though.

Now read this

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October 6, 2009

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From Jack London Square to Jack Kerouac Alley, Dashiell Hammett Street to Armistead Maupin backroom, the Bay’s geography is dotted with ready reminders of its old-school literary heritage. (Meet us on your hover bike at the intersection of Violet Blue Way and Calle Mission Mission in the bloggable future.)

And yet — movie trailer narrator voice here — in a silicon age of textual blah-blah and publisher hype, of writers with a capital "W" and writers with basic HTML, of our virtual reality’s underlying coders and an invigorated zine interest in for-your-eyes-only … well, whatever, word. The pleasures of the text surround us, and a flock of new voices is always chirping in the wings.

We wanted to take advantage of the happy confluence of two major Bay literary events — celebrity-studded reading avalanche LitQuake (Oct. 9-17, www.litquake.org) and the thrilling, youth-oriented showcase Living Word Festival (Oct. 8-18, www.youthspeaks.org) — to highlight some writers participating in each, and a few local others we dig, like poet Arisa White, comics artist Eric Haven, and the cheeky Peter magazinesters. We also toss in the winners of our LIT123 contest. Garnishing our locavore word salad is our cover image from Steve Rotman’s excellent new San Francisco Street Art (Prestel Publishing, 91 pages, $14.95). Grab your silver metafork and dig in.

>The monster: An excerpt from El Monstruo by John Ross

>>Bon voyage! An excerpt from Termite Parade by Joshua Mohr

>>Bay writes: Winners of our first LIT123 contest

>>Word alive: Selections from fresh young voices

>>A poem by Arisa White

>>Fine quintet: Four provocative haikus and a tanaka

>>An interview with comics artist Eric Haven

>>An interview with street art photographer Steve Rotman

>>The men behind Peter magazine

Spank-tastic ambiguous nymphs butter the muffin

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September 29, 2009

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By D. Scot Miller

EROTIC COMICS 2: A GRAPHIC HISTORY FROM THE LIBERATED ’70S TO THE INTERNET
Tim Pilcher
(Abrams ComicArts)

The lord works in mysterious ways.

My impassioned plea to the publishers of Best Erotic Comics 2009 to please expand their tasty tome inspired something in the ether, and my request for a bigger erotic comic collection as come to me in the form of Erotic Comics 2: A Graphic History from the Liberated ’70s to the Internet.

Tim Pilcher, author of Erotic Comics: A Graphic History from Tijuana Bibles to Underground Comix has pulled together a comprehensive and illuminating retrospective on the genre, its relevance, and how it has both mirrored and transformed our sexuality.

barry blair.jpg
Barry Blair’s hot ambi-nymphs

From the pre-code days of Wally Wood’s Weird Sex Fantasy and the tantalizing soft-core of the early days of Heavy Metal Magazine, Pilcher brings both sub-genres and individual artists into focus, creating a time-line that not only examines the art, but the supporters and detractors of pornography, free-speech, and free-love.
Alan Moore — the genius behind Watchmen, V is for Vendetta, and (along with partner Melinda Gebbie) the $75 slip-covered piece of indulgent psycho-sexual sensuousness that is The Lost Girls — writes a pro-porn polemic worthy of The New Yorker (or this fine blog) that catapults us into high-weirdness and beyond.

Moore and Gebbie’s Blake-meets-Darger sextravaganza, The Lost Girls

Like many of you out there, for the longest time I thought adult comics were reserved for 40-year-old virgins.

Erotic comics extra: Harry and Dickless Tom

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September 24, 2009

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By Justin Hall. Check out his awesome guide to erotic comics in this week’s Sex Issue here. Below is another extra special one-hander.

HARRY AND DICKLESS TOM
Brad Rader
(self-published)
www.flamingartist.com

This erotic graphic novel is both brilliant and completely unique. I certainly don’t know of any other gay porn comic that features such huge, well-drawn, splash pages of vaginas.

Two homophobic truckers are crossing the country screwing fags in truck stops and then beating them up, when the Goddess decides to teach them a lesson. Tom wakes up one morning with his dick replaced by a vagina, and his relationship with his buddy Harry, himself, his family, and the rest of the world is changed instantly. His new pussy humanizes him and when he finally gets his dick back, he finally knows how to really use it.

Harry and Dickless Tom is a very personal book by an extremely talented cartoonist. “My sole erotic release [when I was young],” writes Rader, “was my jerk-off sketchbooks. I would draw in them for hours, making love to the pages with pen and ink, pouring my angst, lust and longing into images I hoped and feared the world would someday see, and that I might somehow realize.” Rader has worked on everything from Batman to King of the Hill, and he puts his considerable illustration abilities to use with this book, drawing each section of it in the style of a different famous cartoonist. It starts off with an homage to Herge’s Tin Tin and winds up imitating Milton Caniff’s Terry and the Pirates. In every style, though, Rader makes sure that his odd cast of characters stay sexy, especially Tom, the balding, bespectacled, daddy muscle bear with a pussy. Check it out at Raders’ site www.flamingartist.com.

Erotic comics extra: The 40 queers of Ali Baba

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September 23, 2009

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By Justin Hall. Check out his awesome guide to erotic comics in this week’s Sex Issue here. Below is an extra special one-hander.

ALI BABA Y LOS 40 MARICONES
“Ali Baba and the Forty Faggots”
Nazario
(La Culpula, 1993)

Nazario, the godfather of underground Spanish comics and a dissident artist during the dark times of Franco, is best known for Anarcoma, his deadly, cock-loving, tranny detective. But while her adventures are truly breathtaking in their bizarre, violent and sexy extremes, Ali Baba is the work of a more mature and sophisticated cartoonist. Like similar underground, gay, pervert artists John Waters and Almodovar, the early works are exciting, but the later stories are better made.

Ali Baba is a series of interlocking stories about the goings-on at the Ali Baba bar and the three apartments above it, all filled with outrageous maricones based on the denizens of Nazario’s home Barcelona. The artwork is wonderful, incredibly detailed and textured but cartoony all the same. Unlike most erotic cartoonists who draw the same man of their dreams over and over, Nazario is clearly interested in many flavors of menfolk, from young twinks to hairy daddies to chubby fems to square-jawed hunks, all of them having good, hot sex. Sex in his hands is primal, captivating and uncontrollable, and his characters dive right in.

Unfortunately, Nazario’s comics are hard to come by in English. There have been a few attempts at translations, but all of them are well out of print. He’s still kept in circulation by Spanish comics publisher La Cupula, however, so check out their collection at www.lacupula.com.

Creamin’ for comics

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September 23, 2009

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culture@sfbg.com

Erotic comics are a special breed of porn. Unlike prose, they can show as well as describe. Unlike photos, they’re narrative. Unlike film, they have a limitless special effects budget. Comics are capable of everything from gritty, realistic detail to "yowza!" flights of fancy — perfect for the demands of erotica.

And yet good erotic comics seem in short supply. Despite a venerable history that stretches from the Tijuana Bibles of the 1920s to the wild antics of the underground comix movement in the ’60s and ’70s, porn comics have languished of late. Alternative and independent comics have been trending more toward asexuality. And gay male erotic cartoonists are only now struggling out of the shadow of Tom of Finland, whose comics of square-jawed, fascist-reminiscent leathermen and bikers have dominated gay erotic art in the same way that Tolkien’s imagination bound and gagged fantasy writers for generations.

Once you start digging, however, it’s remarkable the gems you can find. The fact that comics are so marginalized creates a kind of purity to the art form. Cartoonists aren’t motivated by fame and fortune, but rather by their passion for their stories and their art. The same is doubly true for erotic cartoonists, whose work is often an evolution of the naughty pictures they drew compulsively while growing up.

Here are a few of the most unusual, hot, and fun recent erotic comics collections to get your juices flowing.

BEST EROTIC COMICS 2009

Greta Christina, Editor

(Last Gasp)

www.lastgasp.com

A man stimulates the orifice of a bound mermaid with a twig, an infertile professor convinces a student to impregnate his wife, a dominatrix hires a gay masseur to fuck her boyfriend, a sadistic dom pisses all over her girlfriend, King Kong and Godzilla have hot sex in the ruins of Tokyo.

Best Erotic Comics, an annual collection of the best and brightest of kinky comics, is yet another reason to be proud of our sexy Bay Area, published as it is by legendary, local institution Last Gasp. Editor Greta Christina has assembled an impressive collection of literary smut comics that run the full gamut of sexual interests, from octopus sex to airplane sex. It’s especially refreshing to see straight porn side by side with gay and lesbian imagery — it allows the reader to understand sexuality as a spectrum of possibilities, and to see how hot the fantasies of others can be.

PRIDE

Gengoroh Tagame

(G-Project, 2007)

www.tagame.org

Odd as it may seem, the best bear comics porn in the world is coming out of Japan, a country with a noticeable lack of big, hairy men. Clearly the exotic has its erotic charms. Unlike yaoi — the popular manga genre in which female cartoonists create stories of gay male romance and sex for an audience of girls and women — bara is gay manga created by actual gay male creators and usually does not feature the yaoi breed of androgynous boys with big eyes and floppy hairdos, but rather burly, hypermasculine men.

No one is better at portraying these than Gengoroh Tagame, arguably the world’s greatest, living erotic cartoonist. His universe is populated with the hottest muscle bears outside of the Lone Star’s patio during Folsom Street Fair weekend, and they have a tendency to be tied up, humiliated, and fucked senseless. Pride is a recent trilogy of books from the master, detailing the gradual transformation of a cocky, hirsute hunk into an obedient slave by a buff, bearded professor. The books are full of all sorts of S-M shenanigans, with our hero being put through the paces, from extreme bondage and piercings to fistings and scat play. Tagame has yet to be translated into English, but he’s such an accomplished cartoonist that his work can still be thoroughly enjoyed.

SMALL FAVORS

Colleen Coover

(Eros Comix, 2002)

www.eroscomix.com

While lesbian imagery exists in various straight publications, there is an unfortunate dearth of true lesbian erotic comics. Colleen Coover’s Small Favors is a notable exception. Coover is an excellent cartoonist and clearly has a great time illustrating her two heroines, Annie and Nibbil, having wild, fun, and juicy sex.

Annie is accused of masturbating too much by her own conscience and is assigned a finger-tall guardian to stop her from getting jiggy with it too often. Fortunately, this tiny watcher winds up being a nympho herself, and jumps Annie at her first opportunity, leading to comics’ best introduction line ever: "Ummm … Hi, Annie! My name’s Nibbil! Gosh, I hope you don’t mind me fucking myself on your nipple!"

WANKY COMICS

BiL Sherman

(Self-published)

www.wankycomics.com

Occasionally you’ll stumble across some underground, barely-distributed mini-comic, put together by the creator with a photocopier and a stapler, that will take your breath away. BiL Sherman’s Wanky Comics is bizarrely brilliant, completely original, and about as underground as you can get.

While the subject matter of the stories in WC ranges wildly from horny unicorns and space-age sex clones to an inexplicably naked superhero and his quest for love, Sherman has a distinctive style that unifies the series. He draws like a thirteen-year-old with OCD and a hard-on, filling his pages with burly, hairy men. Each chest hair is lovingly and obsessively drawn, and the faces are rugged and expressive.

Sherman is unafraid to get both funny and surreal, a refreshing trait in porn comics. The "Mike Thorn and the Nine Satanic Statements," episode, for example, is a blow-by-blow illustration of a scene on a porn set, while the text underneath the images is taken directly from Anton Levey’s Satanic Bible, creating a strangely disconnected, campy, yet beautiful juxtaposition.

BIRDLAND

Gilbert Hernandez

(Eros Comix, 1992)

www.eroscomix.com

Hernandez is one of the creators, along with brothers Jaime and Mario, of Love and Rockets, arguably the single greatest American comic book. Rarely does such a world-class, literary cartoonist turn his talents to porn. Luckily, however, the highly prolific Hernandez created Birdland, a voyeuristic foray into the lives of strippers, bodybuilders, and horny aliens — and one of the classics of erotic comics.

Birdland introduces characters such as Fritz, the large-breasted, brainy psychiatrist with a lisp and a passion for guns, which Hernandez later incorporated into L&R. But while L&R certainly never shies away from sexual material, Birdland is unabashedly erotica, with copious cum shots filling the pages.

Though Hernandez identifies as straight, Birdland is in many ways pansexual erotica, with every type of coupling depicted. The final scene, in which the characters have a giant orgy in a spaceship, is one of the most oddly liberating and transcendent sex sequences ever conceived. After reading it, anything seems possible.

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A GUIDE TO PORN CARTOONISTS AT THIS YEAR’S FOLSOM STREET FAIR

The Folsom Street Fair on Sun/27 is all about community, and one of the ways it demonstrates this is by donating a block of booth space to queer erotic artists, many cartoonists. This year’s little section of the Fair, at 11th Street and Folsom, is very exciting. Here’s some highlights.

Chuck Connor and Sean Platter: the duo’s Demonic Sex series pulls no punches with its depictions of satanic transformations and sexual hells. www.triplesixcomics.com

Dave Davenport and Justin Hall: An accomplished tattoo artist, Davenport uses his illustration chops to create horny werewolves, skate punk ghosts, and other wholesome characters in Hard To Swallow, co-created with Justin Hall (that’s me!). www.hardtoswallowcomics.com

Steve MacIsaac: As the co-creator (along with Dale Lazarov) of Sticky, MacIsaac offers sex-positive stories instead of the rape fantasies that often dominate gay porn. www.stevemacisaac.com

Bradley Rader: Harry and Dickless Tom is the story of two homophobic truckers who screw and then beat up fags. It turns surreal when one wakes up with a vagina. www.flamingartist.com

Sean Z: Sean’s Myth is a superb fantasy comic with complex plots, gorgeous color work, and big-dicked vampires. www.sean-z.com

See www.folsomstreetfair.org/art for more kinky artists.

‘Best Erotic Comics’: please get bigger

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September 17, 2009

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By D. Scot Miller

BEST EROTIC COMICS 2009
Last Gasp, 1995
Edited by Greta Christina

The cover art by Junko Mizuno alone makes Last Gasp’s Best Erotic Comics 2009 worth the price of admission. His gothic-Sanrio-sex-kittens getting into all kinds of weird mischief, involving sleeping-spray and whips among other things, is just one example in this well-pieced and well-paced collection.

There’s something for everyone in this one, but I have my favorites:

Cephelapod Products weighs in with an homage to the bawdy “just for larfs” period of the 1940s and ’50s, and returns with the look and feel of the 60’s underground “Zapp” comic days that is so dead-on that I feel like I’m in the back of the record shop.

Toshios Saeki reaches even further back to early Japanese erotica to do that sexy double-entendre thing with the word “fantasy.” Saeki does the best tentacles in the biz, and he creates passionate embraces that make even the most supernatural seem like the most natural.

A long-time favorite of mine, Christy C. Road, brings “Reclaim Yourself: Revolution On A Battery Operated Phallus,” which it actually is. Whether it’s a bicycle or a buttplug, Road’s lines, color and emotion feel like liberation to me. Delicious, shameless sex is part of the revolution, better believe it. Even/especially when you’re by yourself.

Belasco’s Brothers of New Essex

In that same vein, Belasco (best known for his “Brothers Of New Essex” graphic novel) opens “Th’Floodgates,” the most poignant, concious, and healing story in the book. Comic book sex can be about sex as a healing energy of succor and an expression of love too. Who knew?

But it ain’t all love-taps in here. Best Erotic Comics 2009 is rough, soft, frightening, and soothing with each turn of the page. Whips, guns, pixies, paronoia, and perverison inter-mingle here, if the thunder don’t get you, the lightning will. Are these truly the best erotic comics 2009 had to offer? Hardly. With manga and web-based comics being published everyday, it’s time for Last Gasp to consider making 2010’s edition much, much bigger.

Best of the Bay 2009: Food and Drink

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July 28, 2009

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>>CLICK HERE TO SEE THIS LIST ON ONE PAGE
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Editors Picks: Food and Drink

BEST CRAB TOWER TO HEAVEN

Somebody call the Fish Police — we should be cited for loitering at this convivial Italian seafood restaurant. Following the tradition of cicchetti, exquisite little dishes shared family style, Pesce offers communal creations that bring a playful yet authentic touch of Venice to Russian Hill. It can get a bit loud in the narrow, tiled dining room, but you (and hopefully a date or two) will be ensconced in your own world of flavor as you swoon over rich dishes like the porcini pappardelle with braised duck, delectable white anchovy-topped bruschetta, an inimitably tangy tonno puttanesca, and, if you’re lucky enough to visit when it’s on the dessert menu, a warm, sweet budin (bread pudding) garnished with seasonal fruits that makes "sharing" a risky maneuver. But the small plate that really sends us soaring is Pesce’s justly famous crab tower, less a tower than a little stairway to heaven layered with Dungeness, avocado, cucumber, basil, tomato, and a drizzle of red wine vinaigrette. Alas, it’s demolished all too quickly. Care to climb another?

2227 Polk, SF. (415) 928-8025, www.pescesf.com

BEST RECIPE FOR A COMFORT FOOD COMA

Restraint, self-discipline, and moderation have their place. But that place is not Hard Knox Cafe, the soul food kitchen that blithely (and thankfully!) ruins diets and courts cardiac arrest. This is a place of comfort and indulgence, with fried-chicken battered just right, ribs whose meat melts off the bone, and mac ‘n’ cheese so rich that even Southerners have trouble finishing it. Add in a couple moist, piping-hot corn muffins — worth the visit alone — and you’re on your way to a food coma that’ll last all day. So clear your calendar, put on your elastic pants, and settle into a cushy red two-seater for an afternoon of collard greens, blackened catfish, and black-eyed peas in portions big enough to sink a cow. We know you want it — and at $10 for an entrée with two sides plus muffins, we know you can afford it too.

2526 3rd St., SF. (415) 648-3770; 2448 Clement, SF. (415) 752-3770, www.hardknoxcafe.com

BEST PLACE TO RIND DOWN

Far from clueless snackers who group their cheeses by color and call it a day, fromage groupies are fervent about their curdy calling — which may be why the San Francisco School of Cheese has been consistently selling out its classes since opening in 2006. Courses cover everything from cheese species (cow, goat, and sheep, of course) to regions (France, Italy, Spain, Australia, and Wisconsin are all represented, as are a bevy of exotic locales off the Mediterranean coast). The courses also cater to all levels (amateurs and connoisseurs alike), and teach beverage pairings (beer, wine, what-have-you). Located on a quiet street in North Beach, the Cheese School offers two-hour evening classes taught by one of 10 instructors in spacious headquarters, all for about $60. Sounds bougie as hell? Sure, but it also sounds delicious.

2155 Powell, SF. (415) 346-7530, www.cheeseschoolsf.com

BEST USER-GENERATED CHOCOLATE

The Bay Area has long been home to innovative applications of technology. But rarely have those innovations been as tasty as TCHO, the experimental chocolate company created by Wired co-founder Louis Rossetto and cocoa guru Karl Bittong. Using software development as a model, the pair first launched the company by presenting chocolates in beta form and collecting consumer feedback. Their system for classifying tastes is similarly scientific, creating a flavor wheel that explains the different flavors inherent in chocolate (such as fruity, nutty, or citrus) and then making varieties that are the purest expressions of those attributes. Now in its 2.0 phase, the company produces sustainably sourced chocolate in a stark white lab-like factory at Pier 17, using manufacturing machinery rescued from an old European castle. But a stop by the adjacent café, where you can sample flavors and hear cocogeeks talk about the production process, illuminates where the science stops and the poetry starts — it’s in your mouth.

Pier 17, SF. (415) 981-0189, www.tcho.com

BEST ABUSE BOUCHE

Conan O’Brien’s 2007 commercial for a Chinese restaurant that has its front door next to the kitchen and doesn’t serve fortune cookies ("No fortune cookies," the actors exclaim. "Yay!") may be fake, but the place he (and Martha Stewart) are pretending to endorse is real: Chinatown’s Sam Wo. The institution — occupying parts of three stories — has been serving noodles, dumplings, and stir-fry in its cramped dining room for eons, and is as famous for its odd atmosphere and bizarre customer service as it is for its late-night hours. Too bad famed waiter (and Herb Caen darling) Edsel Ford Fong — known for screaming at customers, admonishing them for not washing their hands, or dumping soup on them — passed away in 1984. But fear not: we’ve heard reports that current servers have physically removed patrons for sitting in the wrong chair. If you’re looking for a place where the customer is always right and the bathroom is always clean, go elsewhere. But for some post-barhopping chop suey, served up with history and maybe some light abuse, there’s nowhere better.

813 Washington, SF. (415) 982-0596

BEST CAFÉ THAT SAVES THE DAY

Lazy Saturday mornings in San Francisco haven’t been the same since owner David Pinch peeled the Spiderman wrapping paper from Caffeinated Comics Company‘s windows this spring. Café culture has been heroically transformed. No longer must graphic novel geeks suffer the indignity of stares from those novel readers and crossword puzzle solvers, the coffee house elite whose imagined superiority is evident in every stripe of plaid on their cardigan. Here, Marvel fans can select their comics along with their Four Barrel coffee, browsing until they feel the rush of newfound superpowers — or maybe that’s the espresso. Either way, we predict this volatile combination of coffee and comics will have more staying power than Joss Whedon has brilliant ideas.

3188 Mission, SF. (415) 829-7530, www.caffcom.com

BEST IT’S-IT ITERATION

It’s hard to argue with the accessible, lowbrow perfection of an It’s It — that delightful ice cream and cookie concoction invented in San Francisco in 1928. But if you’re looking for an alternative a step or five higher on the culinary chart, look no further than Ici. This Berkeley shop features ice cream and cookies made from scratch with ingredients grown by local farmers, under the watchful eyes of former Chez Panisse pastry chef Mary Canales and her talented crew. Eleven flavors of creams, sorbets, and sherbets are available every day, featuring seasonal ingredients and available in cups, pints, or homemade organic cones — and topped with fresh toppings such as bittersweet hot fudge. Our favorite delivery method is between two delicate fresh-made gingersnaps or chocolate cookies, individually wrapped in foil for easy transport. It’s an It’s-It for the locavore generation. What’s next? An artisanal Big Stick? A sustainably-sourced Otter Pop? We can only hope.

2948 College, Berk. (510) 665-6054, www.ici-icecream.com

BEST HARD-TO-FIND BREAKFAST

There are no official hours at Pastores, the restaurant at the corner of Mission and Cortland that caters only to those in the know (which now includes you). But guessing when (and if) you can get huevos rancheros at this elusive Mission District kitchen is part of its charm. The front door is small and easy to miss. If you find it and then locate the scantily decorated restaurant at the end of a long hallway, you’ll already feel as though you’ve accomplished something. But the real treat comes when your server — also the cook and owner — greets you as if you’ve entered her home, takes your order, and then places a heaping plate of spicy eggs, salsa, rice, and beans before you. Is that burning sensation simply the homemade salsa sizzling against your chapped lips? Or is it the pride of discovery and serendipity? We’re going with the latter.

3486 Mission, SF. (415) 642-5385

BEST BACK-ALLEY WINE BAR

Not all wine connoisseurs are leisure-class snobs with fancy Italian boots, nice homes, and shiny sports cars. Some are the cooks, chefs, waiters, sommeliers, and bartenders who’ve been serving (deliciously) rotten grape juice to those with money to spend. It’s the latter group of experts that cook-turned-wine-guru Chris Fuqua had in mind when he started Hotel Biron, a wine bar with an atmosphere and menu designed to match the paradoxically high-end/lowbrow proclivities of those in the service industry. What does that mean? Beer offerings that range from obscure pilsners to Tecate in a can. Scrumptious meat and cheese platters. A mind-blowing wine list. And an unpretentious location next to a row of Dumpsters down a mid-Market alleyway. All of which adds up to the perfect nightly hangout for those with one foot firmly planted on either side of the American dream.

45 Rose, SF. (415) 703-0403, www.hotelbiron.com

BEST "RESTAURANT" WITHIN A RESTAURANT

It isn’t Lung Shan’s eggrolls or its all-you-can-eat buffet that has foodies in skinny jeans forming a line outside the restaurant on Thursday and Saturday evenings. In fact, none of the patient patrons — who sometimes wait more than an hour for a table — are here to eat at the Chinese restaurant at all. Sure, they sit in its dining room and enjoy food that comes out of its kitchen, but on these nights, Lung Shan becomes Mission Street Food, a restaurant within a restaurant that features different culinary talent each time. The phenomenon has earned a fanatical following despite — or perhaps because of — the things it lacks: a set menu, a space of its own, a regular chef. Each evening sees different deliciously playful dishes, like the Milky Snixertweers Kat, a terrine of candy bars and vanilla ice cream. Prices are low (most entrées hover around the $10 mark), and the profits are donated to charity. You don’t need a cookie to tell you that’s good fortune.

2234 Mission, SF. Missionstreetfood.blogspot.com

BEST RECESSION-PROOF SUSHI

Common wisdom suggests that sushi can be either cheap or good, but never both. Ichi disagrees. The Bayview-based company run by Erin Archuleta and her partner Tim, a veteran sushi chef, prides itself on providing restaurant-quality, sustainable (when possible) sushi in unconventional settings, all at low prices. Most locals know Archuleta’s rolls, nigiri, and specialty items from catered nights at Bender’s, the Knockout, Mr. Barbershop, or 111 Minna, where fresh fishy delights can be obtained for less than $5. But Ichi also provides lunchtime service for clients at Google, YouTube, IDEO Design, and 826 Valencia. Whether you’re looking for happy hour eats in the Mission or an alternative to a croissanwich platter at your office party in the Finanical District, you can’t beat Ichi in sushi-bang for your ever-dwindling bucks.

(415) 822-4024, www.ichisushi.com

BEST EAST BAY IMITATION OF WEST AFRICA

There may have been a time when authentic Senegalese food was just too exotic for the Bay Area palate — but that time has long passed. At Lam Toro, nothing has been watered down for American tastes, from the spicy kick of habanero relish to the bones you’re expected to pick out of your fish entrée. For an extra bit of authenticity, call ahead to have dishes like ceebu jen (fish sautéed in a tomato-spiced rice, considered the national dish) or yassa (chicken or fish simmered in a garlic, mustard, and lemon sauce) served family-style on a large plate in the middle of the table. Then enjoy hibiscus and ginger drinks while dining among a diverse crowd of West Africans, Afrophiles, and Peace Corps alumni. A fantastic East Bay complement to San Francisco’s Bissap Baobab, this bright, cheerful eatery is the perfect place to experience Senegalese hospitality without needing a passport.

2432 Telegraph, Oakl; (510) 832-1010

BEST CUSTARD IN A CUP

Sure, the mole at La Oaxaqueña Bakery and Restaurant is the shizzle. And the mammoth Mexican pizzas, along with other regional specialties served in this glaringly-lit hole-in-the-wall, are muy excellente. But it’s the housemade flan that really gets our locomotora running. Far from the boring dessert most of us have learned to ignore, this version is creamy and silken with intense vanilla flavor, lightly sweetened by a perfect puddle of caramel sauce. You won’t even care about the uninviting, disposable, cafeteria-style plastic containers the flan comes in — once you’ve licked ’em clean.

2128 Mission, SF. (415) 621-5446

BEST WAY TO GET PHAT

It’s no secret that the West Coast trounces our Eastern comrades on numerous fronts — weather, culture, blondes. But alas, there has always been the cheese steak factor, the one superior trait that your Atlantic Ocean-based relatives can hang over your head as cause for return eastward. Thankfully, Phat Philly’s has removed that weapon from your family’s arsenal. The 24th Street eatery features fresh Kobe beef, 12-inch Amoroso rolls shipped from Philly, and a cheese selection that includes Whiz, the glorious liquefied dairy product that covers steak and onions like a radioactive landslide. Not only is Phat Philly’s classic cheesesteak perfectly dialed to East Coast standards, but the restaurant’s menu also boasts an impressive range of other tasty options, such as crisscut waffle fries, steakhouse chili, and buffalo wings smothered in Mr. Pibb’s barbecue sauce. Add in a toppings bar of various peppers with limitless soda refills, and you may never have to visit your relatives again.

3388 24th St., SF. (415) 550-7428, www.phat-philly.com

BEST MOUTHFUL OF ZEN

The tea-mongers’ invasion of San Francisco is gaining momentum. Samovar Lounge has added its third venue to the fold, and all of "Zen Valley" is abuzz. Perched on the top of Page and Laguna, this branch of the tea empire is crafted from reclaimed wood and iron, including a long bar of wind-fallen redwood, and features a variety of teas sure to reclaim even the most jaded coffee palate. With a full spectrum of artisanal whites, greens, and blacks, plus edibles such as delicate lavender cookies, hearty Japanese maki bowls, and winsome sandwiches, Samovar’s emphasis on taste, texture, and traditional tea service both tantalizes the senses and engages the mind. Surprising, refreshing, and invigorating, a trip to Samovar is a bit like visiting a spa retreat for the tongue.

297 Page, SF. (415) 861-0303, www.samovarlife.com

BEST HOMEMADE HANGOVER FOOD

The original Moulin Rouge was known as a place for drinking and debauchery. Our favorite S.F. version is a friendly, family-owned diner perfect for recovering from such shenanigans. The husband-and-wife team serves up legendary omelets and corned beef hash in portions hefty enough to soak up last night’s alcohol, while teetotalling friends who’ve joined you for breakfast won’t be disappointed by cream cheese-<\d>stuffed thick-cut French toast. And everyone will appreciate being able to get a meal and coffee for less than $10 — especially when you won’t know how much you spent at that Tenderloin bar the previous night until you go back to pick up your forgotten credit card.

887 Geary, SF. (415) 928-0158

BEST WAY TO PRETEND TO EAT NONEDIBLES

Debbie Goard is to cake what Karl Lagerfeld is to cloth. Both have the eye of an artist, the hands of a sculptor, and a fondness for classic quilted Chanel bags. But while Lagerfeld’s denim and sequin satchels may look good enough to eat, Goard’s purse cakes actually are. The Oakland-based baker behind Debbie Does Cakes specializes in turning any object — and we mean any — into an edible masterpiece. She’s made a giant iPhone cake for Apple, tiny replicas of cosmetics for Benefit, and a three-foot version of San Francisco’s Union Bank of California to commemorate its 100th anniversary. And those are just the corporate jobs. Her Flickr account proves she can turn flour, sugar, and eggs into severed feet, rice cookers, dead rats, and just about every type of toy dog known to humanity. In fact, we’re willing to bet she could construct a confection of Lagerfeld himself.

www.debbiedoescakes.net

BEST PRE-GAME DOG

As Mission Bay continues its dull development in the shadow of AT&T Park, it is good to know that there are still some real-deal holdouts from a time before the neighborhood devolved into generic condo chaos. The Java House has been serving up delicious blue-collar fare for sailors and longshoreworkers since 1912 (before Willie Mays was even a pup), retaining its prime location along South Beach Harbor within pitching distance of the ballpark. Stop by for top-notch, pregame burgers and chili dogs — without the major league price gouging — or a breakfast of pancakes and eggs, all still served up by owner Philip Papadopoulos. Affordable, delicious food with history and a view? That’s a home run.

Pier 40, SF. (415) 495-7620, www.javahousesf.com

BEST DRIVE-BY BURRITO

Serving first-rate organic Southwest-style Mexican cuisine, Green Chile Kitchen has grown so popular for its fantastically fresh plates of blue corn enchiladas, green chile stew, and $2 bottles of Pacifico that seats are often in short supply. This is particularly true during peak feeding hours, when locals have grown inclined to bring along the entire family for one of Green Chile’s whole Fulton Valley rotisserie chicken meals (with cheesy mashed potatoes and fresh calabacitas). Luckily, for those who can’t wait for their grilled Niman Ranch pork burrito, the cozy NoPa eatery provides drive-by service. Just call in your order and cruise by the restaurant. Someone will run your grub curbside. Eager eaters and drive-through fans may never eat at Taco Bell again.

601 Baker, SF. (415) 614-9411, www.greenchilekitchen.com

BEST JAPANESE PIZZA

There are many cuisines you’d probably never want to see featuring pizza, though after you’ve tried okonomiyaki, you’ll realize that Japanese isn’t one of them. Okonomiyaki, served hot at Mifune Don at the Peace Plaza in Japantown, is a savory and highly addictive little pancake made with a flour-based batter that includes yam, cabbage, dashi, and eggs, then topped with ingredients such as mochi, seafood, and kimchi. Like pizza, the whole thing is often accompanied with cheese; unlike its Italian cousin, it sometimes includes mayonnaise. Though this description may sound revolting, the Osaka specialty is extremely difficult to dislike. And Mifune Don’s version is the best you’ll find this side of the Pacific.

22 Peace Plaza, SF. (415) 346-1993

BEST COOKING CLUB FOR COOL KIDS

Cook Here and Now is not just a statement, it’s a newfangled take on the old-fashioned potluck. This underground cooking and tasting club gathers for periodic food-a-thons in a donated kitchen space, often the Zocalo furniture store in Bayview. And while the movement has gained national attention — last year CHN appeared in Travel + Leisure and Food & Wine magazines, and it has inspired similar cooking clubs as far away as Melbourne, Australia — locally the group has remained under the radar. (Which is just as well, because attendees are ferociously loyal, and each event tends to fill the 40-or-so seats mere minutes after being announced.) Attendees must sign up in advance and agree to prepare part of the community meal based on a theme or ingredient. Then they shop for ingredients, bring kitchen tools to the meet-up, and spend nine hours cooking, chatting, drinking, eating, and cleaning — all in the pursuit of one-upping each other with well-sourced ingredients, cooking technique, and culinary wow.

www.cookhereandnow.com

BEST WAY TO GET FIRED UP

We are unfathomably fortunate to be rolling in great, rustic, old world bread in the Bay Area, never needing to suffer the indignities of spongy-goo crumbs and lifeless crusts that are the cruel fate of other carb-loving gastro-regions. Although we’re surrounded by many good bakeries, there is only one choice for King of the Loaves. That’s Oakland’s Firebrand Artisan Breads. This latest addition to the East Bay bakery scene crafts its incredible bread (the rye is our hands-down fave among baguettes and batards) in a wood-fired oven, which results in the crispest, heartiest, most robust crust that yeast, water, and grain can yield. It’s dense, rustic, and unparalleled. Plus, the shop’s a heckuva lot closer to San Francisco than Freestone’s Wild Flour Bakery in West Marin.

1552 Beach, Oakl. (510) 594-9213, www.firebrandartisanbreads.com

BEST PUCKER FOR PENNIES

Candies imported from Mexico and South America have gotten a bad rap in recent years. But that’s no reason to overlook the confection entirely — particularly when such an outstanding specimen is made in the East Bay: Dulceria Miriam‘s tamarind candy. Situated next to the cash registers of many a Latino market are the unpresumptuous plastic jars of Dulceria Miriam’s candy, whose sweet pucker cannot be beat. The ingredient list is deceptively simple: fresh tamarind and sugar, sometimes with the addition of salt and/or cayenne. But the way this independent candymaker cultivates this brown, sticky magic is a sour-candy fan’s greatest dream. Whether the dessert is stuck to a plastic spoon and wrapped in a wad of plastic (the messiest and the best) or served hard and chewy on a stick, the full-blown tropical flavor makes you salivate for more. And all that tang for a mere couple of quarters? Not since the first Pac Man arcade games have we found this much joy for this little coinage.

BEST "TACO" IN THE CASTRO

When considering eating in the Castro, most of us are more likely to think of attractive dining rooms and steep prices than impressive Indian cuisine. But one argument against this neighborhood’s culinary reputation for style above substance is Kasa Indian Eatery. This 18th Street eatery provides an attractive atmosphere along with delicious food, particularly the kati roll: Calcutta’s street food answer to the taco, featuring four flaky, ghee-laden wraps filled with flavor-forward curries. Particularly impressive are the veggie options, including bhangin bharta, a smoky-sweet eggplant mash punctuated with the pop of fresh peas, and karahi paneer, a toothsome cheese tossed with silken green peppers in a light tomato sauce. But carnivores won’t be disappointed with (free-range) chicken tikka, or one of the other rotating meat-based specials. And the rolls are just five bucks a pop. Affordable, edible, and attractive food in the Castro? The only thing better would be if they delivered to your neighborhood. Oh wait. They do.

4001 18th St., SF. (415) 621-6940, www.kasaindian.com

BEST LATE NIGHT PIG-OUT

Any restaurant open seven days a week until 3 a.m. deserves serious awesomeness points. But Pizza Zone & Grill not only has late hours (including delivery until 2:45 a.m. every day), but pizza that’s actually pretty damn good. Slices are made to order and come double-sized, so they’re always fresh and big enough for your post-bar belly rumblings. And if you’re not in the mood for pizza, you can also order burgers, sandwiches, salads, and appetizers. Right across from Zeitgeist and only blocks from the rest of northern Valencia’s watering holes, this convenient family-owned fueling station may forever eliminate your need to visit Taco Bell Heights’ namesake landmark. You’re welcome.

178 Valencia, SF. (415) 701-7300, pizzazoneandgrill.com

BEST MID-MORNING MENU

There’s breakfast, and then there’s brunch. Breakfast was invented to fuel your work day on the farm, or fight last night’s hangover, or maybe to make the price of your stay at the Comfort Inn seem like a better deal. But brunch is an indulgence, suggesting leisure, pleasure, and good company. One of our favorite spots for this meal-between-meals is Mission Beach Cafe. With a poetic menu, clean design elements, a sunny dining room, and the blissful absence of club music, this Guerrero Street stop is the perfect spot for a morning(ish) meal that’s stylish without trying too hard. Sip Blue Bottle coffee while you wait for a pulled pork sandwich with onion citrus relish, or soufflé pancakes with blueberry compote. Or simply eye those waiting in line (seating can take as long as 30 minutes on a weekend) while you imagine the beef brisket hash or spiced fried eggs with horseradish crème fraiche that are coming your way. And since this special meal takes the place of two regular ones, you might even consider your $15 entrée a bargain.

198 Guerrero, SF. (415) 861-0198, www.missionbeachcafesf.com

BEST FIELD TRIP FOR THE FRAT BOY IN ALL OF US

There are benefits to drinking local beers, beyond getting locavore points and microbrew cred. The best thing about having a brewery in your very own city is the chance to see how that most awesome of libations is made. Anchor Steam gives tours of its Potrero Hill facility every weekday — 45 minutes of walking and 45 minutes of tasting. Groups witness the whole process, including bottling, while getting a full history of Anchor’s trademark steam beer that’s been made in San Francisco since 1896 (though the current recipe has only been around since Fritz Maytag bought the business in 1965). The tour is something like a grade-school field trip mixed with a post-college wine tour. You’ll get all the educational (and mind-altering) benefits without the boredom (or the school-bus smell). Don’t believe us? Tours are so popular they are booked solid three to six weeks in advance.

1705 Mariposa, SF. (415) 863-8350, www.anchorbrewing.com

BEST SUSTAINABLE SHORE THING

Beach fare tends to fall into two food groups: snacks and beer. But where do health nuts go when they want to fuel up for sun and sand? A feel-good option for smoothie-drinking vegans and sustainability-conscious locavores alike is Judahlicious, a registered green business that serves sandwiches, raw vegan desserts, and fresh sandwiches hearty enough for a day of riding gnar gnar breaks or light enough for an afternoon of displaying brand-new hemp bikinis. Hippie jokes aside, though: we love that this independent business supports local organic farmers, uses compostable and recycleable products, and hand-sorts waste to contribute to organic soil for a small, native-plant nursery in the city. And it doesn’t hurt that the food is delicious.

3906 Judah, SF. (415) 66-JUICE, www.judahlicious.com

BEST WAY TO BRING HOME THE BACON

It’s just too easy making sexual jokes about how much the three women who own Avedano‘s love their meat. Besides, the trio who revamped a century-old butcher shop are nothing if not serious about their mission to serve curious carnivores. Co-owner and Sociale executive chef Tia Harrison and her partners have combined the traditions of a classic meat market with the sensibilities of sustainability to create a neighborhood butchery perfect for the eco-conscious-yet-bacon-loving city that spawned Meatpaper. The shop not only sells what’s for dinner, but offers classes on everything from butchering a suckling pig to handling a hacksaw — after which students take home $100 worth of fresh meat. But don’t think all this dedication means the Avedano’s ladies have no sense of humor. A recent sign board read, "Nothing Beats Back Fat." Uh, that’s what she said?

235 Cortland, SF. (415) 285-MEAT, www.avedanos.com

BEST BELLYFUL WITH BELLY DANCE

Some pundits will argue that belly dance is rarely, if ever, a regular part of African and Middle Eastern dining; they say, in fact, it’s a rare or underground activity made mainstream for Aladdin-loving tourists with Arabian Nights fantasies. To them we say, so what? Sometimes we want our dinner with a bit of Disney flair — particularly if the food itself is authentic and delicious. A perfect example is Al-Masri, the Egyptian eatery in a far-flung corner of the Outer Richmond whose cuisine and décor say "fertile crescent" and whose entertainment says "for Americans." Talented ladies jiggle their hips while you fill your stomach with towering columns of eggplant, perfect pyramids of spice rice, lamb kebabs, and lentil stew. What could be more festive? More delicious? More of a pleasant departure from the predictability of taquerias and mariachis in the Mission, and creperies and easy listening in the Castro?

4031 Balboa, SF. (415) 876-2300, www.almasrisfca.com

BEST PLACE NOT TO ORDER A COCKTAIL

Heaven’s Dog is nirvana for cocktail lovers — which is exactly why you should never order a cocktail here. Don’t get your usual. Don’t examine the drink list. Instead, look the bartender in the eye and confidently say these three words: freedom from choice. By doing, so you’ll be putting the fate of your drink order in the hands of the ridiculously talented bar staff, which specializes in flawless, bespoke libations. When your drink arrives, be it a Biarritz Monk Buck or a Bumble Bee, your guide — who is not only a master bartender but also a font of liquorous wisdom — will serve it up with a side of fascinating history. This is one bar that control freaks and those who fear change need not belly up to, but people with a little faith will be deliciously rewarded with the best drink they’ve ever had the good sense not to order.

1148 Mission, SF. (415) 863-6008, www.heavensdog.com

BEST FOOD CART WITH A CIVIC HEART

What would the pop-up food stand be without Twitter? In the case of the Creme Brulee Cart, it would be less of a community service organizer. Thanks to the micro-blogging tool, fans of Curtis Kimball’s fine desserts can find out where in the city he’s selling his lavender or orange Creamsicle-flavored delights (all costing less than a BART ticket to Berkeley). But lately, it’s also how Kimball is getting the word out about My Dolores Park, a new project focused on reclaiming — and cleaning up — the Mission’s favorite sunny-day stop. We’re fans of all three of the newest pop-up restaurateurs, including Murat from the Amuse Bouche Cart and Kimball’s brother, the Magic Curry Man. But we have a particular soft spot for the guy who’s dedicated to expanding hipster bellies and their civic engagement.

www.twitter.com/cremebruleecart, www.twitter.com/mydolorespark

BEST HAM ‘N’ EGGS ‘N’ HAM ‘N’ HAM ‘N’ HAM

In this town, necessity isn’t the mother of invention — eggs are. But whom should we credit for S.F.’s extensive ovo-innovation? Dr. Seuss, whose Green Eggs and Ham may have presaged the pesto or avocado scramble? Whatsisname Benedict (or was it Benedict Whatsisname?), who put the English muffin under the ham and hollandaise? The Mexicans, who added chili and tortillas and begot chilaquiles? The Jews, who threw unleaveded bread into the mix and made matzo brie? Locally, we’re voting for the Pork Store Café, home of the best nouveau melding of somethin’ ‘n’ eggs so far: the Scralifornia. Although the concoction of eggs, salsa, feta cheese, and avocado doesn’t seem particularly Californian (well, OK, the avocado does), the result transcends mere scrambles and statehood. Of course, the Pork Store didn’t get its name by doing right only by vegans. Word is that the ham, chorizo, pork loin, bacon, and other homages to the pig also go down real easy. Scralifornia, here we come.

1451 Haight, SF. (415) 864-6981; 3122 Valencia, SF. (415) 626-5523

BEST FROZEN YOGURT OF THE FUTURE

Remember when we used to refer to froyo with two separate words, flavors were limited to chocolate and vanilla (or, if you in a particularly exotic suburb, peanut butter), and people behind a counter decided how much to put in your cup? Times they are a-changin.’ And we like it. Especially at Icebee, the cheerily strange frozen yogurt shop behind the Westfield shopping center. Not only can you get delicious dessert made with live and active cultures (apparently, they do survive freezing) in flavors like green tea and mango (and plenty others — take that, Pinkberry). But the serve-yourself setup means you decide exactly what ratio of yogurt to toppings you want in your biodegradable cup. At 46 cents an ounce, you only pay for what you get, whether it’s a mere taste of blueberry yogurt and fresh fruit as a post-shopping refresher or a full serving of New York Cheese Cake with candy toppings as consolation for the crappy movie you saw across the street.

829 Mission, SF. (415) 882-7800, www.icebeeyogurt.com

BEST NEW SPOT FOR GETTING YOUR YAYAS

When Yaya closed, we thought our city’s steamy affair with Iraqi chef Yahya Salih was over. Lucky for us, the Middle Eastern gourmet is back with Jannah, a casual new eatery between Poleng Lounge and Papalote in the Western Addition. Under murals depicting blue sea and sky, diners can dig into traditional-sounding food that’s anything but predictable — all for under $11 a dish. We love the standards — hummus, baba ghanoush, and kebabs — but are even more delighted with juices made from fresh fruits, raisins, and mint; dips like mama ghanooge (accented with carrot and cardamom) or hudhud ghanoush (turnip and dates); and a savory phyllo dish with seafood, fava and garbanzo beans, and sun-dried lime. Desserts are equally revelatory, like kahi phyllo pockets stuffed with warm cardamom-redolent cream. Best of all? Now that our relationship with Salih is secure, we don’t have to roam the city for some embarrassing Yaya rebound.

1775 Fulton, SF. (415) 567-4400

BEST COMFORT CARB

Every culture has their comfort soup ingredient. Jews have matzo balls. The Japanese have miso. The … well … everyone … has noodles with chicken. But when it comes to belly-warming, tear-clearing supper on a spoon, it’d be hard for any culture to compete with that Chinese specialty, the wonton. When the fog rolls over the Richmond, or a metaphorical mist chills your heart, there’s no better place to cure what ails you than Shanghai Dumpling King. The steaming bowls of wonton soup are big enough to feed two, which means either a chance to administer a double dose of self-care or an opportunity to share with a friend (misery loves company, as does a good meal). If you’re sharing, you may have room for dim sum, graciously served for dinner. By the time you finish the BBQ pork buns and fresh, simple, perfectly chewy wontons in savory broth, you’ll hardly remember whatever misery sent you seeking Shanghai in the first place.

3319 Balboa, SF. (415) 387-2088

BEST LUNCH ON A LOADING DOCK

Ambiance is overrated. That’s what you learn by lunching at Kitchenette, the new eatery located in the oft-overlooked Dogpatch neighborhood. Instead of spending time and money designing a glitzy post-industrial space, the chef-owners behind Kitchenette opted for a real-deal industrial loading dock with a commanding view of the long-term storage facility across the street, allowing them to spend more time and money on what really matters: the food. A new menu, posted online the night before service, is available Monday through Friday from 11:30 a.m. until 1:30 p.m., or until the food runs out — which it often does, particularly on Taco Tuesdays, when lucky eaters chow down on corn tortillas filled with Niman Ranch pork carnitas topped with guacamole, salsa, and cabbage. Each lunch menu offers a superb veggie option (in the form of a salad, sandwich, or bento box) — as well as one for carnivores — alongside two or three additional snacks and a Cookie of the Moment (Hello, maple bacon snickerdoodles!).There’s really only one word that does Kitchenette justice: yum.

958 Illinois, SF. www.kitchenettesf.com

BEST BURGERS OVER 40

Not all burgers are created equal. You know it, we know it, and Hamburger Haven does too. Think about it: Anybody can heat up a patty, slap it on a bun, and call it grilled gold. But that doesn’t mean it’s going to taste good. It takes a lot of effort, love, and time to create a true masterpiece. Which is exactly what Hamburger Haven has been cranking out since 1968. Hamburger Haven does breakfast, dinner, and dessert, but the real focus here is on burgers. BBQ sauce-<\d>slathered, chili-drenched, Reuben-inspired — you name it and Hamburger Haven does it better than anyone else in the city. Which partially explains why the place has been around so long, but not entirely. The simple down-home charm of H.H. is what we appreciate. From the decor, to the service, right down to the presentation, Hamburger Haven is a no-nonsense burger shack where the only frills you’ll find will be mashed inside your buns. Simple, pure, haven-ly.

800 Clement, SF. (415) 387-3260

BEST PLACE FOR A PARISIAN DINNER DATE

On a charming, leafy Castro block, one with the spirit of a European neighborhood, sits L’Ardoise Bistro, a real-deal French bistro that effortlessly marries casual intimacy with romantic intrigue. Gracious French staff, closely set tables, and a chalkboard (the restaurant’s namesake) evoke your most beloved Parisian dinners, replete with the effortless sexiness that we love in a city like Paris. But what places it among S.F.’s beloved classic bistros, like Chapeau! and Clementine, is heartwarming food. Your date can’t help but cozy up to you after perfectly cooked coq au vin, duck leg confit, or seafood gratin. Escargot, pommes frites, and charcuterie also abound, with plenty of French wines to pair with. And the love needn’t dissipate once you get the check…. Portions are generous and the highest priced dish on the menu is $19. Viva la romance!

151 Noe, SF. (415) 437-2600, www.ardoisesf.com

BEST WABI-SABI AND COFFEE

We’re not sure if Hollow, the new café in the coffee-shop-deprived Inner Sunset, is actually an example of wabi-sabi design principles. But it’s undeniable the shop embraces simplicity, an affinity for nature, and an appreciation of the unconventional — the essence of the Japanese aesthetic philosophy, which the co-owners (an interior designer and freelance programmer) wholeheartedly appreciate. In fact, everything about Hollow is modest and unconventional: its tiny space; its earthy palette of green, brown, and silver hues; its limited selection of quality delicacies (truffles, cashew cookies) and Ritual espressos (no drip coffee here); and its selection of rustic trinkets for sale (birdcages and nests, African masks, antlers, retro matchboxes, and alchemist vases). Whether you know about Buddhist-inspired art forms or not, you’ll find that this cabinet of caffeine and curiosities is an exquisite sanctuary in the Inner Sunset.

1435 Irving, SF. (415) 242-4119, www.hollowsf.com

BEST FREE BBQ

Everyone knows the best hangover busters are a good, protein-heavy meal and a bit of hair of the dog. Problem is, those who need relief most tend to be the ones who spent the most money getting themselves hungover in the first place. What to do when you only have enough cash for beer or food, but not both? If it’s Sunday, go to (the aptly named) Bender’s. Every week the Mission dive provides free BBQ, including meat and veggie options. At $2, Pabst Blue Ribbon is so cheap you can afford to have hair from several dogs. And for those who live close enough, just hop on your fixie and take advantage of indoor bike parking. Just remember to pace yourself, because tomorrow lunch is gonna cost you.

Sundays, 3–7 p.m. 806 S. Van Ness, SF. (415) 824-1800, www.bendersbar.com

BEST GYPSY WOMAN WITH A PERMANENT ADDRESS

Is it the sexy, swanky décor that makes Gitane so appealing? The genius bartenders who whip up tasty tipples with a smile? The bacon bonbons and fresh bread served in a deceptively small dining room that feels both grand and intimate? Yes, yes, and hell yes. We didn’t know what to expect when the founders of Café Claude opened this gypsy-themed restaurant, but were delighted to find that the designers and chef took elements from gypsy culture and the countries where gypsies — or rather, the Roma people — have historically lived, and combined them into a lovely, unexpected, and unpredictably consistent mélange. Grab a date for a cocktail (perhaps the Gypsy, Gitane’s twist on the St. Germain’s elderflower trend) or dinner (if they’re on the menu, order the melt-in-your-mouth ribs), or simply stop in for a glimpse at the bar’s reflective ceiling or the mezzanine’s illuminated brick wall. Portions are ample enough that you may not have room for dessert — but no matter. An evening at Gitane feels decadent, sensual, and indulgent enough.

6 Claude, SF. (415) 788-6686, www.gitanerestaurant.com

BEST WAY TO EAT ROSEMARY’S BABY

It’s hard to remember life B.H.C.: Before Humphry Slocumbe. Sure, we have plenty of amazing ice cream, and suffer little for want of a good local scoop. But when fine-dining veteran Jake Godby applied his experience at Coi, Fifth Floor, and Boulevard to the art of ice cream, the results were nothing short of great. Stunningly original flavors like Secret Breakfast — a creamy heaven of bourbon and cornflakes — have become the new standard. And we expectantly follow Twitter waiting for postings of the day’s latest flavors, which could range from Peanut Butter Curry to Laphroaig Scotch Rye, and Red Hot Banana to Rosemary’s Baby (rosemary and pine nuts). Sure, those $7.50 pints add up, but what you’re getting for that costly juice (as in Jesus Juice, a flavor featuring Kermit Lynch Côtes du Rhône and Coke Classic flavor) is rich satisfaction mixed with a splash of adventure.

2790 Harrison, SF. (415) 550-6971, www.humphryslocombe.com

BEST SECRET SAZERAC

San Francisco suffers no shortage of well-made classic cocktails. The revival that began more than a decade ago — perhaps the final remnant of the 1990s swing revival — is still pouring it on, and terms like "sidecar," "bitters," and "Pimm’s" are ubiquitous on most upscale bar menus. For any gimlet greenhorns anxious to navigate the fraught waters of classic cocktailia with no potential embarrassment or pocketbook deflation, we recommend the generous, spacious, yet still mixology-audacious 83 Proof. Whether you order the Proof’s fancy basil gimlet (with a gentle splash of ginger Cello) or a sturdy, manly Manhattan (with a dark, house-candied Maraschino cherry), the attentive bartenders and companionable atmosphere will put you in a comfortably adventurous mood. If it’s a slower night, the staff may even mix you a kick-ass sazerac, the legendary, labor-intensive ur-cocktail from New Orleans made with rye whiskey, bitters, and sugar in an absinthe-prepped glass. Slink in on a Monday and ask nicely.

83 First St., SF. (415) 296-8383, www.83proof.com

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Zine it like you mean it

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June 30, 2009

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johnny@sfbg.com

INTERVIEW Nestled in the corner of the old New College building, true seekers will find Goteblüd. Matt Wobensmith’s zine emporium keeps the building’s dedication to countercultural self-publishing alive. As characterful as it is small, Goteblüd places shelves of photocopied DIY writings amid a brown shag paneling motif that wittily references the cat-scratch antics found within Ed Luce’s comic Wuvable Oaf, the store’s main link to contemporary publications. Currently the space also hosts "Yes I Am, But Who Am I Really?," a showcase of queer zine and queer punk memorabilia: zines, photos, and letters (including a pissy postcard from Henry Rollins) create a terrific one-of-a-kind wallpaper, while t-shirts for bands hang from the ceiling, as if asking to be filled by new rebellious bodies. After scoping out the show, I recently asked Wobensmith about Goteblüd’s origins, its contents, and its future plans.

SFBG How did Goteblüd come about?

MATT WOBENSMITH I’ve been collecting zines since I was a teen. In the past few years, I’ve heard people say things like "I just threw out four boxes of zines," and I say to myself: That is wrong! Why do people think old zines are worthless? They’re priceless. So I began to take zines off peoples’ hands, and started putting them in storage boxes. After a while, this pastime became more of an obsession as I tried to fill gaps in the collections by actively buying from people. When I found the space, I knew it was time to launch a vintage zine store.

SFBG A book titled Queer Zines (Printed Matter, 180 pages, $25) was recently published. As someone who played a major role in an important period of the queer zine and queer punk movements, what did you think of it?

MW I was active in the queer punk and then homohop music scenes for a while, but that’s kind of history. It’s through this weird zine collecting thing that I find myself faced with my past again.

I saw the Queer Zines book that accompanied the show Printed Matter did in New York City last year. It was inspiring and also satisfying that this era of self-publishing was finally getting more exposure. I don’t know who I’d be without some of those zines!

At the same time, I felt that the queercore phenomenon was different from the larger queer zine genre. It’s focused around music and music culture, had lots of young people, and was connected to a radical subculture loosely based on punk rock. The name of the show is paraphrased from a Team Dresch song: "Yes I Am, But Who Am I Really?" It’s a slight dig at Melissa Etheridge, but ultimately sums up the struggle for identity and purpose and survival.

Also, it’s a scene where women played an enormous role in shaping the dialog and aesthetics. The influence of the riot grrrl movement was not insignificant, either. Some people attribute queer zines to things like Straight to Hell or [William S.] Burroughs, but these zines are far more likely to have been inspired by radical music figures: Black Flag, Throbbing Gristle, the Shaggs, Yoko Ono, female rockers, as well as good old 1980s hardcore. In many ways, queercore was an alternative to an alternative. And it had a soundtrack.

SFBG Looking back at the materials in the current show, what surprises you — what do you see anew now, years later, or wish was more present in current society or social currents?

MW What I really value in old zines is this incredible sense of urgency. There’s some insane, obsessive person trying to reach out and find like-minded people, so they make a zine. It’s a search for kindred souls, and an almost desperate bid for creative and intellectual validation. It can be fun, but is ultimately quite serious. It has a lot of integrity. I love that spirit and dedication.

That same feeling is totally lacking in today’s culture. The Internet has released much of the pent-up need to connect, to find information, to really put effort into communication. Today’s pop culture is also highly self-aware and navel-gazing, and people seem more obsessed with mundane actions of others — via tweets, social networking, whatever — than creating original ideas and taking risks. Old zines have original ideas and risks in spades.

SFBG What kinds of zines will people find in Goteblüd?

MW We try to carry a wide assortment of popular and unknown zines; the more DIY, the better. Though we do have some indie glossies, we carry tons of underground music, pop culture, art, skateboarding, graffiti, lowrider, comic, and experimental zines from the past four decades. We try to focus on older stuff because it’s harder to find and it gets people excited. We are always buying and trading too. I love when people challenge me to find a certain zine for them, and I have it!

SFBG One section of Goteblüd is devoted to Ed Luce’s Wuvable Oaf comics and paraphernalia. What do you like about Wuvable Oaf, and what plans do you have in connection with the comic?

MW Ed’s work, in one word, is fun. It’s also really smart and has no small amount of sharp observations on human behaviors and interactions. It’s a "post-bear" comic, but we hate the b-word. It’s set in a city that looks suspiciously like San Francisco and we all write the stories together. We try to juxtapose big and small, human and animal, and we love to show people in awkward situations. It’s not ironic; it’s loving and earnest.

The comic fits into the store — oddly — as it is an encapsulation of so many different sensibilities. Ed’s constantly referencing his icons of fashion, bad horror movies, and music — particularly Morrissey. I think it’s like a gayer Love and Rockets but that doesn’t begin to do it justice. Our next issue will spotlight our house cartoon band, Ejaculoid, and we’ll be releasing a limited edition record of their music — which is "disco grindcore."

GOTEBLÜD is at 766 Valencia in SF and is open weekends only from noon–5 p.m.