So, the 2014 Winter Olympics. They’re in Russia (specifically, Sochi), which right now hates on all the gays. What should we do?
Are we boycotting Russian vodka? Which vodka is actually Russian? Is Stoli really Russian, is Stoli really anti-gay? Is Stoli just desperate for attention? (And hey, whatever gripes some have against it, the vodka boycott thing’s already been successful: the issue has hit the mainstream mostly due all the queers on Facebook constantly arguing over the boycott itself. Besides, what mainstream media outlet can resist the image of a bunch of queens tossing their precious martinis — for human rights?)
I’m a queer who drinks a lot of vodka and hates bigotry — and so far I’m kind of meh about the responses, as inspiring as they may be. Let’s get better.
What about boycotting the entire Olympics? Should we sign an online petition? Will the Olympics have a gay Jesse Owens/Black Panthers salute moment?
What if, hazards our most milquetoast media representative, Frank Bruni, in the NY Times, “a ‘silent show of solidarity,’ [among athletes] like subtly raising rainbow flags during the opening ceremony, would ‘wordlessly mock’ the new legislation and force Russian officials to ‘stand by and seethe … Maybe that statement isn’t a flag but ‘a visible pin, an armband, a bracelet,’ as Greg Louganis, an openly gay diver who won medals for the United States in three Olympics, recently suggested. Maybe it’s something small stitched into the uniforms…”
Well! Why don’t we just invite Vladimir Putin round for a cup of Earl Gray tea and snittily ruffle our petticoats in his direction while he’s in the powder room?
Look, we’re gay. We have power. We’re the people behind most of the design, marketing, broadcast, and choreography of the Olympics. We’re the reason Anita Bryant lived in fear of hairdressers and Jerry Falwell always looked like he had chicken fat dripping down his chin when the cameras rolled. We had decades of practice kiki-ing up the games during the Gay Olympics period. We also have a lot of straight athlete allies. Let’s really offend some dickhead Russians with homosexuality!
(Not that the Sochi Olympics aren’t kinda gay already — I mean, have you seen the mascot? It’s basically Snagglepuss in a kimono belt.)
Anyway, let’s pull out the queer protest stops and get a little crazy at the games, here’s how. And yes I’m going to invoke a bunch of offensive gay stereotypes here because fuck it we’re fabulous.
OLYMPIC FAG-RAISING CEREMONY OK, the Olympic flag is already rainbow-colored, and the opening ceremony is centered around an eternal flame. Ralph Laren’s outfits for the athletes will probably include berets and little scarves again, and you know the Russian gala presentation is going to have a lot of bears and some sort of ice queen in it. The only thing that could add even more splash of Mary to that homothon would be to replace the Olympic rings on the flag with a five-set of recently pierced nipples in various stages of healing and a horrible tribal circuit tattoo in the background. Meanwhile, someone replaces the soundtrack during the endless Parade of Nations with “Menergy.”
ANAL LUGE Let’s fashion the luge track as a giant lubed anal canal that spandex-clad athletes, already laying snugly atop one another on their apparatus — perhaps done up in fleshtones to look even more penile — shoot through like a rocket-powered dildo. Launching from a giant cave marked “Crisco,” and careening through the (waterbased) greasy track, lugers come to rest on golden pillow of fulfillment that soon turns to romantic disappointment and, eventually, mere online acquaintanceship. Sponsorship opportunity: nothing says “luge lube” like AstroGlide.
SKI JUMP GLITTER BOMB This one’s kind of self-explanatory, except that while the crowd is sheilding its eyes from the onslaught of tiny, colorful, razor-edged bits of glitter, the ski-jumper actually transforms during a mid-air double-sommersault into Tick, Hugo Weaving’s character from Priscilla Queen of The Desert and sticks a tearful, over-the-top dramatic landing in apparent homage to Kerri Strug. Applause.
SNOWBUTCHING Rather than competing, female snowboarders form a commune specializing in plumbing, car repair, low-cost construction, and raising the most well-adjusted, multicultural kids ever.
TONGUE HOCKEY There are far too few porns that feature hunky, bearded, be-mulleted hockey players locked in steamy embraces on the ice. This year, let’s use the Olympics to rectify that. Thanks in advance.
TRANSGENDER BOBSLED Start at the top as Barbara, land at the bottom as Bob.
QURLING No one really knows the rules to the obscure sport of curling except maybe the Canadians, and they’re already gay anyway, so why not open it up to some pinker angles? During random periods of play, contestants could come together to perform a “Golden Girls” episode reenactment, engage in the art of vintage ’50s beefcake magazine decoupage, bake an inventive new kind of dessert pastry using everyday junk food items from the grocery checkout aisle, or simply mime shopping for and rejecting various models of brightly colored high-top sneaker. Everybody wins a medal! (And somewhere a little gay Russian boy’s obsession with mid-century modern furniture is vindicated through the power of gay culture.)
FIGURE SKATING Well duh.
Now, if only we can do something about the risk of having to mix silver, gold, and bronze jewelry. Also, can’t we gussy up those podiums a little?