It’s been a minute since we’ve assembled the week’s sex events in this column. That’s our bad – we’ve been busy (mind yer business). But we’re back this week! And thank goodness because the week of Christmas and the beginning of Channukah has to be the least-happening week for sex events of the year. Which is why we’re including the following list of DIY sex events.
1.Sperm donation. It is very, very chic now to give away for free what you once you were paid lots of money for. Just ask this guy. It’s very 99 percent.
2.Streaking. The city’s going to be way, way slowed down this week, and with all this legal nudity people have been getting way too complacent about their public bareassery. This is the perfect time to run it out down Divisadero in the middle of the day on the 25th, you’ll be glad you did. (Avoid frightening families, please)
3.Slap-fighting. Not just for the I-don’t-want-to-get-expelled-from-school-but-I’m-still-really-mad-at-you high school kid set!
4.Gear up for next month adult industry judge-a-rama, the AVN Awards. Read up on the favorites, celebrate the fact that 2010 and 2011’s “best female performer” Tori Black has a new free site. Of course, the only naked she’s getting is on her face — her makeup-less morning confessionals are an experiment in just how much pervs want to get to know their fave porn star. How many people will be getting off while reading how the young Miss Black enjoys her music? (Fyi, she finds it to be “a way of life. More than that, it’s the feeling of life.”)
Or, just go to these sex events. Ambience is everything.
Good Vibes customer appreciation days
You’ll be overloaded on nog anyways, so it’s probably best that the free tipples at Good Vibes are of the non-alcoholic variety. And who doesn’t love Martinelli’s? Certainly no one who needs a nice vibrator for that holiday-time lover. Sales associates will be extra-ready to guide you on your erotic shopping, and, free chocolate. Tip: we’re loving the OhMiBod Freestyle G wireless vibrator, which can hook up to your music system so you can pulse to the beat. Pair it with a homemade playlist and you’ll be making beautiful music for a lucky giftee.
Thu/22 6-9 p.m., free; Fri/23 6-8 p.m., free
Various Bay Area locations
Center for Sex and Culture holiday party
Revel in your sex-positive community with the center’s annual white elephant gift exchange. We’re betting there’s going to be a higher-than-average amount of naughty behavior here tonight, but keep your Santa hats on, people. Potlucking encouraged!
Fri/23 6-10 p.m., free
Center for Sex and Culture
1349 Mission, SF
Christmas weekend at KOK Bar
It’s just not Christmas without grinding your belly against a Folsom daddy. KOK Bar is keeping the cheap drinks flowing through the weekend and you should def reward the decision by ditching familial engagements for at least one or two Absolut SF-sodas. Free clothes check for your cruising pleasure.
Fri/23 5 p.m., free
Sat/24 6 p.m., free
Sun/25 6 p.m., free
1225 Folsom, SF
“Cigar Play: Mouth, Hands, Eyes, Spirit”
It seems appropriate, on the brink of New Year’s Eve 2011, to light a celebratory cigar. After all, when the world is going to end in mere months, who cares about the pinkness of one’s lungs? And in true decadent SF spirit, there is now a class especially for teaching erotic usage of the cigar. Teachers Konraad and Jazz will take the class through “titillating to tortuous” usages of stogies. First timers, don’t inhale!
Tue/27 8-10 p.m.
SF Citadel
www.sfcitadel.org