I’m ready for the Rapture. I hope Harold Camping and devotees to his Oakland-based Family Radio Worldwide are right that Judgment Day is this Saturday, May 21, both for their sake and that of the godless heathens like myself who will be left behind. We’re like a bitter married couple that needs a divorce, which will probably be hard, but it’s what’s best for our children and grandchildren.
They’re tired of hearing us fight about government, fiscal policy, abortion, sex, climate change, war, welfare, crime, capitalism, and, well, just about every major issue of our day. And I’m tired of fighting. I think it’s time that all the Christians had their kingdom – with God, clouds, harps, and eternal peace – and we had ours, with Satan, fire, guitars, and an eternal party. I think we’ll all be much happier that way.
Of course, not being a man of faith, I gotta say that I suspect the world is pretty much gonna look the same on May 22 and we’re still gonna be stuck here together in this loveless marriage that we call the United States of America. Believe me, I hope I’m wrong. Nobody is going to cheer louder than me when I we watch all the Christians ascend and we’re left to somehow make a go of things without them.
If I see Jesus I’ll give him a warm welcome back and freely admit that I’m not worthy a heaven restricted to Christian true believers, thanks but no thanks. Being a journalist, I’d love to ask him a few questions about what he thinks of the war-mongering, poor-stomping version of Christianity that seems to have replaced his original teachings, but I’ll be respectful because I know he’ll be a busy man, or spirit or whatever. But obviously this would be a big story and I’d like to get a few choice quotes.
So, Harold and company, I’m even going to say a little prayer for you and hope that helps bring on the Rapture. Good luck, safe travels, I hope you’re all very happy up there and you no longer feel compelled to smite us or encourage God to heap any more wrath on us. I’m sure this is all for the best. Amen.