By Jess Brownell
(Jess Brownell is a freelance writer in Milwaukee who keeps a sharp eye on job-creating events in Madison, Wisconsin.)
According to our new Governor, Scott Walker, his budget – which includes big tax breaks for the private sector and strips public employees and teachers of their collective bargaining rights – will engender a business climate that will soon produce 250,000 new jobs in Wisconsin. Right now the outcome remains uncertain. The battle is on, and after the battle the war will continue. Yet who can argue with the need for jobs? And what state couldn’t use 250,000 new ones? So in the interest of fairness, let us put aside our differences for a moment and peer into this rosy future . . .
(The Governor of Wisconsin and an aide are showing a prospective factory site to a manufacturer who is considering moving his production facility to Wisconsin.)
WisGov: I’m sure you’ll like it here. We are all very proud of our natural beauty. Why, not far from here Frank Lloyd Wright built his dazzling Taliesin. With no help from the state, I might add. And with my new budget and laws governing bargaining and employment we’re attracting attention all over the world. You could lose out on this prime location if you don’t move quickly.
Mfr: Very nice, the beauty and the Frank-What’s-His-Name and all that, but what about the nitty-gritty? What about taxes?
WisGov: No taxes.
Mfr: No taxes?
WisGov: None at all. We’ve eliminated all taxes on business. I would point out that even Alabama and Mississippi still collect some taxes, or try to. We’ve given that up. So there you go. Moving to Wisconsin just makes economic sense.
Mfr: It’s very tempting, I must admit. Could you tell me a little about the public school system?
WisGov: Don’t have one.
Mfr: No public schools?
WisGov: Nope. We used to have them, but after I gave the teachers the ass-kicking they had coming our damn test scores kept going down. So we closed the public schools and now we give every kid a voucher for a private school instead.
Mfr: And the test scores are better?
WisGov: That’s the beauty part. There’s no requirement for testing private school students. We are totally off the hook on education. Saves a ton of money.
Aide: We’re pretty sure that a lot of those kids can read and write.
WisGov: And do simple sums.
Mfr: Well, our jobs aren’t terribly demanding in that way. But it could cause some problems in assembling a competent work force.
WsGov: We’ve got that covered, too. Our new laws say that you don’t have to pay any employee until you are completely satisfied with his or her performance. It’s part of what we call the Wisconsin Idea.
Mfr: Wow. How long does that provision last?
WisGov: There’s no time limit. (Laughs.) Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Mfr: Got ya. I have to hand it to you folks in state government here. You really do have your people on the run. Talk about desperation!
WisGov: I said I was going to create a business-friendly climate, and with the help of the good Lord and a Republican majority, that’s what I’ve done.
Mfr: You’ve convinced me. I’m moving the business to Wisconsin. Uh, you wouldn’t throw in a sign, would you?
WisGov: You bet we would. Neon, if you want. I can see it now, right out on the highway. The H. Allen Smith Putty Knife Factory.
Mfr: Big letters?
WisGov: As big as you want. By the way, how many jobs are we talking about?
Mfr: Oh, 25, maybe 30.
Aide: That’s really great. (To WisGov, looking at his clipboard.) Only 249, 865 to go. Or 249,870, as the case may be. (To Mfr.) That’s counting the 105 new state workers we hired to run the Business Development Department, of course.
Mfr: (Glancing up at the sky.) What was that?
WisGov: That? Just a snowflake.
Mfr. You have snow?
Wisgov: It’s Wisconsin. You have to expect a little snow in the winter.
Mfr: There wasn’t anything in your brochure about snow. Or winter.
WisGov: We didn’t really think it was necessary.
Mfr: I’m not moving anyplace that’s got winter.
WisGov: You don’t have to live here, for God’s sake.
Mfr: Yeah, but what if I have to come here in the wintertime for a meeting or something. I could get snowed in. I could slip and fall on the ice and hurt myself.
WisGov: We’ve got snowplows. We’ve got salt.
Mfr: That’s just it. I don’t want anything to do with any place that needs snowplows and salt.
WisGov: Look, we’re burning coal and oil as fast as we can. We buy it at a discount from the Koch brothers. At least they assured me over the phone it was a discount. But climate change doesn’t happen overnight, you know.
Mfr: But you do expect a winter this year?
WisGov: Yes.
Mfr: And next year?
Wisgov: Probably.
Mfr: Sorry, but that’s a deal-breaker for me. I’m outa here. (Shivers, puts up his collar and hurriedly departs.)
Aide: Well, I guess we’re back to 249, 895.
WisGov: Goddamn wimp.
Aide: Don’t take it so hard, Governor. We’ve got that delegation coming in from Fiji tomorrow. They’re sure to love it here.
Okay, the above is admittedly fanciful. Given its current poisonous political climate, not even a putty knife manufacturer would consider moving to Wisconsin. Also, I know the reference to H. Allen Smith is pretty obscure. Anyone who recalls H. Allen Smith reveals a lot about both his age and his taste in literature, but I always thought that his Life in a Putty Knife Factory was one of the great American book titles. I never thought that as a concept it would be preferable to life in Wisconsin, though.