Pub date March 16, 2010 Blog

Dear Andrea:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years and we have always had the same issue. It takes a long time for him to come, whether I am performing oral sex or we are having anal sex. We’ve talked about it, and I am always trying to understand what I can do to make him come. Since it takes so long, he always ends up finishing off himself. I would like to be the one who makes him come when I give him a blow job, but I don’t know what to do. Please help.



Dear ‘Tator:

I understand that you want to be the one who “makes” him come. And if it’s blow-job-to-ejaculation you’re after and not getting, I also understand that there could be some considerable loss of sensation/pay-off/money shot for you, too. And I understand that we (that would be humans) often enjoy the giddy sense of accomplishment and mastery we get from creating and controlling an enjoyable experience for our partners. I don’t imagine, though, that this is the first time I have had to sing this old song to one of my correspondents: You really can’t always get what you want. However …

There may be something going on with your boyfriend physically or emotionally that can be addressed, but I actually kind of doubt it. I’d imagine that he would have come out with it by now or you would have sussed it out yourself. I’m going to assume that all of the “a little harder/softer/shallower/deeper/faster/slower/wetter/drier/firmer/softer/did I miss any? issues have already been addressed. Is he on any medication that could cause the unfortunately-named “retarded ejaculation?” One kind of hopes so, since a medication change can just wave the problem away like a magic wand.

If no such insta-fix is available, what are the quickish fixes, and what are the more gradual, therapy-based approaches, and are any of them likely to work? The answer is a resounding “maybe!” All I can do is throw suggestions at the wall and see what sticks.

It’s somewhat painful to admit that one’s partner is insufficiently aroused, but as long as you take care not to end that sentence with “by me” you should be able to work through this without too much ego-bruising. He does need something extra, so figure out together if there’s a fantasy component missing. Or maybe he has accustomed himself to some form of arousal or fantasy that you can’t reasonably imitate for him, and you will need to work together to replace that with something you can supply.

Maybe he has control issues — what often looks, to the frustrated partner, like an inability to give turns out to be, on closer inspection, an inability to take. Or maybe he just wants a hand job? That wasn’t on your list of things that aren’t working, so … ? And finally, have you tried just doing what you’re doing, then turning it over to him as though for the big finish, and then, on his signal, jumping back in? That isn’t cheating. That’s timing.



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