By Amber Schadewald
Punx: hunk
So, Punxsutawney Phil awoke from his slumber, saw his shadow, and Twittered six more weeks of chilly. But c’mon. While some groundhogs around the country saw shadows and others did not, it couldn’t be more obvious that, at this time of year, the male of the marmot species could give two shits about the weather. After a long hibernation, there’s only one thing Punxsutawney Phil and his fellow wobbling rodents want to see in their immediate future: S-E-X.
Fat, furry, and a bit sleepy, groundhogs (or woodchucks, or “whistlepigs” — as in wolf-whistle) crawl out of hibernation aroused and ready to go, determined to plant their seed for summer babies. Timing is incredibly important for the underground critters, due to the fact that the youngsters must be weaned and fat before the long winter snooze at the end of the year. Courtship must begin immediately, teeny Viagra pills at hand or no.
How much woodchuck could this woodchuck, er, chuck?
Similar to single human ladies, female marmots are apprehensive about hooking up with the eager little beavers and therefore must be given a chance to “get to know” their possible partners. Gathering food and digging holes, the groundhogs flirt, chat about their dreams, and eventually slip into the sack to do the deed. Forget complicated relationships — once the couples have mated, their reproductive duties are done for the year and the woodchucks can get back to doing what they love: eating and making forts.
A man of the times, Punxsutawney Phil now has a cellphone (probably to keep up with all his adoring lady-woodchuck fans). Send this charming rodent a text to confirm today’s prediction — “Groundhog” to 247365. Maybe he’ll hit you back with a “How you doin’?”