By Will Durst
IOWA- IT’S WINNER- TASTIC.
The great thing about the Iowa Caucuses is even after
its over, nobody knows exactly what happened. Its best
described as musical chairs without the music. And no
chairs. On the Democratic side, people don’t really
vote. They attend, then move off into designated
candidate corners, but if not enough people hang in
your corner, you have to go somewhere else. So the
campaign staff that corners the market on breath mints
and deodorant could hold a huge advantage. Hey,
there’s worse ways to choose a candidate than by
picking the one with the best smelling followers.
People still talk about how great Hubert Humphrey’s
staffers smelled. Like winners.
That’s another great thing about the Iowa Caucuses-
everybody is a winner. The whole damn state is
littered with the detritus of winners. Iowa is winner-
tastic. Obviously, Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee are
winners because… well, they won. And that’s what
winners do: they win. But you’d also have to say that
John Edwards and Mitt Romney are winners too, because
even though they came in second, they called
themselves winners, and as big time national
politicos- you got to assume they know what they’re
talking about. Hillary Clinton is apparently a winner,
because in her speech, after coming in third, she
never gave the slightest impression she hadn’t won, so
maybe she knows something the rest of us don’t, which
is another characteristic trait of winners.
Fred Thompson won because he came in third after
canvassing the state with the energy of a three-
legged tortoise on reds. John McCain won because he
spent no time in Iowa at all and still came in fourth.
Which, in some books, makes him a double winner. Ron
Paul is a big winner coming in a strong fifth, if
there is such a thing, when most experts didn’t even
expect him to be able to find Iowa on a map. Rudy
Giuliani, the Mayor of 9/11, won, because he spent no
money in Iowa, which can now be used to frighten
people in states with more foreigners. Bill Richardson
wasn’t really try to win anyhow, and he didn’t, so
he’s a winner. Joe Biden and Christopher Dodd may be
the biggest winners because they don’t have to do this
anymore. Duncan Hunter is what you call a winner in
reverse, since he polled just 500 votes. Which is only
500 votes more than you or I got, and we weren’t even
running. Which certainly makes us winners.
The pundits win because they got a lot to talk about.
And because of the writers’ strike, people might
actually pay attention. The caucus goers win because
their electoral muscles have been exercised. Young
people are winners for having participated in
unprecedented numbers. Britney Spears wins since
people stopped paying attention to her. Hope wins.
Change wins. Evangelicals win. Chuck Norris wins.
African Americans win. The country wins. Lot of
winners here. Not going to be the case in New
Hampshire next week. Going to be a lot of losers
there. But here in the Hawkeye State, the biggest
winners of all may be the residents of the Great State
of Iowa themselves, not just because everybody has
already left them to themselves, but because as soon
as they did, the temperature rose about 30 degrees.
Comic, actor, writer, Will Durst smells funny.
will durst
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