Guardian film intern Matt Sussman reports on the best Valentine’s Day party idea ever:
Contrary to popular belief Valentine’s Day is not for lovers. It’s really for the haters.
Nothing brings folk together like seething negativity, and nothing hardens hearts more than the perceived enjoyment of those “fortunate enough” to be in the throes of romantic bliss. The only sweetness encountered at the “Valentine’s Can Fuck Off Bake Off” — an annual house party/ baking competition — was chocolate and lots of it.
Let me count the ways: vegan chocolate decadence cake topped with strawberries; pink peppercorn and balsamic reduction chocolate truffles; too many brownies; the chocolate sprinkle pubes atop the giant Rice Krispie Twat; and me and my baking partner’s concept-heavy entry: a vegan chocolate black pepper cake in honor of pepper-spray carrying, adult diaper-wearing psychonaut Lisa Nowak.
For the hungry, bitter masses huddled outside the kitchen door, “Let them eat cake” must have sounded from the depths of Marie Antoinette’s grave as a clarion call, an injunction on the primal level of the zombie’s insatiable need for brains. Never mind that the hot dish and vegan hot dish entries (including a divine mushroom and tagliatelle pasta salad with the punny title, “Mycelia, you’re breaking my heart”) had already been scooped up by the (love-)starved who had been smart enough to park it in front of the entrée table. Making good on the bake-off’s title were the dildos of varying dimensions handed out as prizes for each category.
Silicone lovin’ and a sugar high: just the cure for that V-Day Hallmark hangover.