The philosopher Kenneth Goldsmith once said that life is like hanging from a rope inside a well. Above waits a beast; below, a dragon. And all the while a white mouse and a black mouse (night and day) slowly gnaw through the fibers of the rope. Depressing, yes, but there is a consolation in his allegory. Hanging from a nearby tree branch, a beehive drips honey, representing the delicacies of life. Well, that had better be some damn fine honey, then, hadn’t it? Or at least something tasty and special to help sweeten life, make us forget our worries or remember our past, and ease the pain of dangling from that rope. Here are some recommendations for places to get the good stuff, across cultures, demographics, and price points — beast, dragon, and metaphorical mice be damned. (Sam Devine)
TSAR NICOULAI CAVIAR CAFE
Thanks to sushi and its mass appeal, eating fresh fish eggs isn’t just for the Hiltons and their friends anymore. But putting a dab of caviar on a blin is still a great way to feel fancy. Tsar Nicoulai Caviar not only produces a variety of coveted fish eggs but does so in a sustainable way. It doesn’t have the beluga sturgeon (which has been banned for two years in the United States), but it does offer two high-class Osetra caviars farmed in California.
Ferry Bldg. Marketplace Shop No. 12, SF. (415) 288-8630, www.tsarnicoulai.com
SCHARFFEN BERGER CHOCOLATE MAKER
Right next door to Tsar Nicoulai is Scharffen Berger chocolates. They are, how you say, überchocolaty, ja? This chocolate isn’t extrasweet like that of the large, mainstream producers but has an intense, rich, sophisticated taste — the kind you want to savor, not scarf. Das schmeckt sehr!
Ferry Bldg. Marketplace Shop No. 14, SF. (415) 981-9150; 914 Heinz, Berk. (510) 981-4050. www.scharffenberger.com
MAGGIEMUDD
As Brian George once said while playing the classic role of Pushpop, the Indian ice cream truck driver in Bubble Boy, "Everyone loves ice cream." Truly the dessert of the masses, ice cream, when done well and with love, becomes a genuine delicacy. And with ice cream made from soy, almond, and rice, MaggieMudd offers variety and flavor for the vegetarians and vegans among us.
903 Cortland, SF. (415) 641-5291, www.maggiemudd.com
UNDERDOG
Sometimes quality is all it takes to make something truly special. For example, when was the last time you had a hot dog that didn’t ride waves in your stomach? Or a good veggie dog (or even any veggie dog) at an actual restaurant? You can find the best of both at Underdog, a hole-in-the-wall hot dog shop in the Sunset District. All quality, all tasty. And all links, fixings, chips, sodas, cookies, and candy are certified organic.
1634 Irving, SF. (415) 665-8881
BLOWFISH SUSHI TO DIE FOR
There’s nothing that says indulgence like food so good you’d risk death to eat it. Which is probably why the potentially fatal blowfish, a Japanese delicacy, has become popular here. Still, there are only six places in the United States to eat the lethal fish — and this is one of them. The San Jose location serves the nonpoisonous puffer fish, but you can get real fugu, caught and dissected in Japan, at the Mission District location. Sliced paper-thin, it’s not a full meal. And at $120 per plate, the price must include shipping. But it is a death-defying experience. Call ahead to make sure it’s in supply.
2170 Bryant, SF. (415) 285-3848; 355 Santana Row, San Jose, (408) 345-3848. www.blowfishsushi.com
MOISHE’S PIPPIC
When it comes to the chosen cuisine — especially that culinary tradition as woven into the fabric of Jewish life as the Four Questions and Mom’s guilt trips, the pastrami sandwich — this Hayes Valley deli will make even the goyim want to fiddle on the roof. (Or fire escape. We San Franciscans are creative.) This is also the place for pickles, potato salad, and cream soda worthy of your bubbe’s palate. Don’t be surprised if you hear mixed reviews from other Semites, though. If there’s anything Jews love more than pastrami (and crazy Aunt Ruth), it’s a good kvetch. Just ignore it. And eat! Eat! You’re skin and bones.
425 Hayes, SF. (415) 431-2440
LEHR’S GERMAN SPECIALTIES
If you’ve ever set foot in a German home, you know that food is not just, well, food. Beer gets special glasses. Sausages get special mustards. And chocolate eggs come with special DIY toys inside. For Deutsche delights from spaetzle to serving dishes, stop by this small, alpine-themed Noe Valley grocery. But don’t ask for lemons to put in your Hefeweizen.
1581 Church, SF. (415) 282-6803
MERCADO BRASIL
There are few images as quintessentially Brazil at Easter as a ceiling hung with chocolate eggs — and that’s exactly what you’ll find this time of year at Mercado Brasil. But the equatorial delicacies don’t stop with spring’s colorfully wrapped Lacta and Garoto orbs. This eclectic market has everything from guarana and cachaca to bikinis and capoeira pants, all year round.
1252 Valencia, SF. (415) 285-3520 *