V-DAY Be still your beating valves — you’d have to sprint to make it to all the V-Day lovin’ in town this week, whether you’re domesticated, on the prowl, or straight-up taking a pass on Hallmark-mandated caresses.
Jungle Love
Why buy a bouquet when you and your sweetie can plunge into 12,000 square feet of hothouse blooms, cash bar at the ready? Wed/9 6–9 p.m., $5. Conservatory of Flowers, 100 John F. Kennedy, SF. (415) 831-2090, www.conservatoryofflowers.org
How to Write a Dynamic Online Dating Profile
Time to maximize synchronicity! Sharpen your point-and-click romanticals at this free class. Wed/9 6:15–7:45 p.m., free. Main Library, 100 Larkin, SF., (415) 557-4277, www.sfpl.org
“Love on Wheels” Dating Game
“So, like, which way do your handlebars curve?” No matter how you roll, the SF Bike Coalition’s onstage cyclist matchmaking should make for a good time. Wed/9 7 p.m., $5-$10. Public Works, 161 Erie, SF. (415) 932-0955, www.publicsf.com
Mortified’s Doomed Valentine’s Show
Spend a night with the other romantic fools at this show-and-tell of embarrassing childhood love notes and notions. Thurs/10-Sat/12 8 p.m., $15-$20. Thurs/10 and Fri/11: The Make-Out Room, 3225 22nd St., SF. Sat/12: Shattuck Down Low, 2284 Shattuck, Berk. www.getmortified.com
Food from the Heart
The Ferry Building’s foodie funland gets sappy with $2-4 V-Day wine tastes and hors d’oeuvres. Fri/11 5– 8 p.m., free. Ferry Building, One Ferry Plaza, SF. www.ferrybuildingmarketplace.com
“Cupid’s Back”: a GLBT Historical Society benefit
A gala night for queer history — perfect for mingling singles, the happily matched, and any gay who loves an open bar. Fri/11 8 p.m.– midnight, $35-$40. Trigger, 2344 Market, SF. www.glbthistory.org
“On the Edge” Erotic Photography Exhibition
Last minute V-Day shoppers, here’s the ace up your sleeve: an exhibit of world-class kinkster art, all available for purchase for that oh-so-perfect pervert on your list.
Fri/11 5–9 p.m.; Sat/12 3–9 p.m.; Sun/13 noon–3 p.m., free. The Artist’s Alley, 863 Mission, SF. www.eroticartevents.com
Black Valentine’s Masquerade
Brighton, England-based Krafty Kuts is ready to spin love for all the guys and ghouls at this glitchy V-Day murder on the dance floor. Fri/11 10 p.m.–4 p.m., $20 before 11 p.m. Mighty, 119 Utah, SF. www.sunsetpromotions.com
Haçienda: Love Tempo
DJs Inquilab, Robotsinheat, and Tristes Tropiques’ monthly underground dance jam draws you in for a sweaty embrace of lovers’ rock. Sat/12 10 p.m.–2 a.m., free–$3. Deco Lounge, 510 Larkin, SF. (415) 346-2025, www.decosf.com
Hearts, Hugs, and Hippos
Bring a valentine to the zoo’s as-yet unnamed new hippo and get a dollar off your admission (of your love for extant artiodactyls). Sat/12 and Sun/13 10 a.m.– 4 p.m., $9-$14. San Francisco Zoo, One Zoo Road, SF. (415) 753-7080, www.sfzoo.org
Valentine’s Day Heart Dissection
Why buy those chalky candy hearts when the fam can cut up a cow or pig heart together? Ah, science! Sat/12 2–4 p.m., $55 for families of four or less. Exploratorium, 3601 Lyon, SF. (415) 561-0360, www.exploratorium.edu
St. Valentine Sweetie Pie and Art Fest
Nurture your love — of free pastry — at this pie feed and art bazaar, hosted by the Pie Extremist Group. Sat/12 5-9 p.m., free. 111 Minna, 111 Minna, SF. (415) 974-1719, www.111minnagallery.com
St. Valentine’s Day Pitty Party
A burlesque bash to raise bones for those misunderstood pit bull doggies — a tassel for your pains, pups? Sat/12 8 p.m., $15 suggested donation. Lucky 13, 2140 Market, SF. www.pinupsforpitbulls.org
Little Heartbreaker’s Ball
Descend into this Chinatown basement for a little V-Day disco dancin’, leisure lips. Sat/12 8 p.m.–2 a.m., free before 10 p.m., $5 after. Li Po Lounge, 916 Grant, SF. Facebook: The Little Heartbreaker’s Ball
Valen-tiny Idea Night
Michelle Tea curates, a love pharmacologist lectures, and interactive cell phone games search for the meaning of affection at this multimedia art-heart extravaganza. Sat/12 8:30–11:30 p.m., free with RSVP. Yerba Buena Center for the Arts, 701 Mission, SF. (415) 978-2787, www.ybca.org
Good Vibrations Pop-Up Dildo Shop and Ice Cream Social
There’s so much goping on at this Lower Haight shindig — comedy, beer, Three Twins ice cream, live music, pillow fights, and, yes, dildos, that you should probably have a look at the website. Probably! Sun/13 3-5 p.m., free (bring a pillow for priority entrance). Fifty24SF Art Gallery, 218 Fillmore, SF. Facebook: Pop-Up Dildo
A Victor/Victoria Valentine
Classic cinematic gender bender Victor/Victoria screens following a chat between its bombshell Lesley Anne Warren and drag queen Miss Coco Peru. Mon/14 8 p.m., $25. Castro Theatre, 429 Castro, SF. (415) 863-0611, www.castrotheatre.com
Club Neon Underwear Party
The pants-off dance-off hits seven years of rosy-cheeked revelry with DJs Jamie Jam and EmDee. Mon/14 9 p.m.–2 a.m., $5, free with no pants before $11. The Knockout, 3223 Mission, SF. Facebook: Club Neon’s Valentine’s Day Underwear Party
Queer Valentine’s Comedy
Lisa Geduldig of Kung Pao Kosher Comedy returns to the venue of her debut with a line-up of LGBT yucksters. Mon/14 8 p.m., $7-$20 sliding scale. El Rio, 3158 Mission, SF
1-800-838-3006, www.brownpapertickets.com
“Love Bites” Power Ballad Sing-A-Long
Who needs love when you can tease out your power mane, strap on the Lycra and belt out the best broken-hearted howls of the 1980s? Mon/14 9:15 — 11 p.m., $11, Roxie Theater. 6117 16th St., SF. (415) 863-1087, www.roxie.com