By Juliette Tang
An entire classroom of 5th graders from the Elk Grove region, near Sacramento, will find themselves inexplicably having hot-for-teacher fantasies or, what is more likely more likely, nightmares, within the next few years. As reported by CBS yesterday, Crystal Defanti, a 5th grade teacher at the Isabelle Jackson Elementary, accidentally gifted her students with her own homemade pornography in a DVD that was supposed to be an end-of-year ‘memories’ compilation. She definitely gave her students something to remember. The DVD started with a menu screen featuring several different videos taken during the school year. The menu items ranged from classroom footage to um, footage of Ms. Defanti completely naked on a couch, crotch-to-the-camera, with her legs sprawled open. Defense experts say that because the whole thing was an embarrassing mistake, Ms. Defanti will likely keep her job and not face any legal consequences.
I think the question that weighs more heavily on our minds isn’t whether Ms. Defanti should keep her job or not (I mean, the poor woman’s embarrassment is punishment enough) but rather, “How the fuck does one edit a movie for fifth graders and accidentally put their own porn on it?” Because, seriously. Even the most computer illiterate among us know that autobiographical X-rated movies should exist on their own password-protected flash drive somewhere hidden far away from where it might accidentally be stumbled upon.