By Justin Juul
Call me crazy, but I’m a beer man. Liquor’s okay too, but wine? Wine has got to go. I absolutely cannot stand the stuff. In fact, there’s only one thing I hate more than wine and that’s wine snobs. Now, this may sound funny coming from a man who serves expensive wine every night at a fancy boutique in North Beach, but come on! Get over it rich dudes. Wine is rotten grape juice and that’s it. There are no hints of currant or raspberry in there. There is no bouquet. Oh, sir, you want me to tell you what the Captain’s Reserve 02 Pinot tastes like? It fucking tastes like wine! And it smells like wine. From Two-Buck Chuck to the fanciest merlot, wine is sour, bitter, and fucking stupid. It’s certainly no match for a nice pint of Hoegarden or even a Beam&Coke, for that matter. But there’s a new wine coming out this week that has me rethinking my stance on the matter. Are you ready for this?!
Crunk (or krunk, or qronk?) purveying rapper Lil Jon just went public with his own wine label. Hu-What?! Hu-What?!! Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhh!!!
I can’t freakin’ wait to describe “Little Jonathan Cabernet, ’06” to a table of over-privileged yupsters. “Well, you see, sirs,” I’ll say. “This particular vintage features a very special blend of petit syrah, cab, and malbec grapes – which are originally from Argentina, but are now being grown in Napa as well. It’s earthy, toasty, and a bit jammy for a California blend and if you just let it linger on your tongue long enough, you’ll be able to taste THE SWEAT FROM MY BALLZ, BITCHES! SKEET SKEET SKEET!”
Or maybe I’ll just describe the wine in Lil Jon’s own words. Here’s how he responded to a journalist who asked him about his wine:
“This is not no ghetto Boone’s Farm; this is some real wine.” To which he added, “I’m not like an expert, so don’t ask me no questions.”
Lil Jon, you are my hero.