Editors note: Just a guy is an inmate in a California state prison. His dispatches run Mondays and Thursdays. He tries to answer all questions and comments, but it takes a while to get communications out of the state prison system, so be patient.
By Just A Guy
Another day’s gone by, and I’m a little closer to home and struggling for something to write about. It’s easy once I get going, but figuring out what my topic should be can be difficult.
I mentioned I’d talk about how we feel. I can really only write about how I feel, how it is on a daily basis. It’s hard to quantify a lot of these things, but I will try and lay it out. When I say prison and the way we are treated is de-sensitizing, that probably bears explanation, so I will delve into that for a minute.
Imagine, for a moment, being in an environment that is always hostile. Please don’t mistake hostility for violence in this instance, but more of an overall feeling or undertone of unease. If you can, think of a day or time in your life where you were just uncomfortable, just not quite at rest, not able to quite put your finger on why, maybe it was where you were, maybe it was the people or person you were around, maybe you were in a bad neighborhood and were lost. How about this — the first time, as a child you left the boundaries of your home or neighborhood on your own, rode your bike a little further than you’d ever been … you weren’t scared really, you were sure you knew how to get home, but you were just a little ambivalent, or not at rest … that’s sort of how it feels to be in prison. Vulnerable. Not able to relax.
Also, imagine what it’s like to really trust no one around you. Imagine if you always felt like someone was trying to get something from you, that the smiles were false, that you were being watched all the time, that your world was really a tight rope over a bed of rusty, broken nails. Imagine a state of mind where every decision you make, every meal you eat, and every “friendship” you have is behind the fence on of the wrong side of justice and pining for a moment of solace.