Isadora Alman

When is enough?

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Can you define premature ejaculation?

Only in my own sexual encounters. You get to define it in yours. “Premature,” like “sexy” or “boring” is a highly personal judgment call. Whether we’re counting in seconds, minutes or hours, if an ejaculation occurs sooner than a man or his partner would like, (if its arrival is greeted with “Oops” rather than “Ah” by either one of them) then that one might call it premature.

Here’s a hypothetical situation: two young guys fall in love. They are both virgins. Neither have had recent transfusions or are IV drug users. They maintain a monogamous relationship. Assuming they are aware of safe-sex practices such as condom use, must oral sex be avoided? Do they face the same high risk of AIDS as people who have had active sex lives?

Virgins and people with long complicated sex histories do not face the same risks. Being gay in and of itself is not a risk factor, nor is contact with healthy semen. If you are as described above and you are asking me to asses your risk of catching or transmitting AIDS, I’d call it extremelyunlikely. But I would have said the same 2,000 years ago to a young Jewish virgin when assessing her risk of being pregnant with a future religious leader also. Each of us must decide for ourself what activities are worth whatever risk we assign them. (When it comes to our own sex life, it is rarely hypothetical!)

I am in a terrific, very sensual and sexual relationship with a great man. Everything is working well and it looks long-term. There’s only one minor glitch, and I’m not sure if I’m just being overly sensitive. My lover is horny for me practically daily, or even more, but he also masturbates regularly. It’s not as if he stops paying attention to me. He says he just masturbates because he likes it. In fact, he has been known to do so several times a day even on days we make love. My problem? I think I’m jealous of him playing with himself. It’s as if jacking off is as much fun and as important as making love to me. Should I just stop worrying about this or what?

Even if, on a secret satisfaction scale of 1 to 10, he assigned jacking off a higher rating than making love to you, what could you do about it? His masturbating doesn’t seem to affect desire for or sex with you, presumably he’s not likely to abandon these practices, so should you stop worrying about this or what? When given a choice, I’d go for no worry over worry every time.

I’m always looking for new ways to put some zing in my marriage of almost 25 years. Whenever I suggest something even a little bit sexy like going to a private hot tub place or trying out some mentholated massage oil, my husband’s response is usually, “C’mon, we’re too old for that kind of stuff.” What do you think, Isadora? Is there some particular age when a person is too old to try out new and potentially pleasurable things?

Yes —after death. Until and right up to that point, of course not. My response to your husband would be “What do you mean we‘re too old, Grandpa?” What he seems to be telling you is that he’s feeling old. You might suggest a physical checkup, some reading on aging bodies and minds and frequent reassurances that you still find him a desirable playmate — no pressure to perform, only to come on out and play.

Is there a polite way of letting someone dear to you know that his or her standards of personal hygiene are not as you would like them to be?

If there are, “Yo, stinky!” is not one of them. One method might be offering a suggested explanation at the same time you pose the problem: “You smell different than you usually do. Are you using some new shampoo or skin cream?” When questioned, you might then reluctantly admit that no, you really can’t say that you do like it, whatever it is, and you prefer whatever he/she used before. Another approach is to praise the obvious: “I am really turned on by the scent of your body when you step right out of the shower” or “Let’s take a bath before we go to bed. I love the feel of our not-quite dry bodies bumping together under the covers.” Being told what pleases, one can infer what does not. When all else fails, be loving, gentle, apologetic for any hurt feelings, but direct nevertheless.*