Nudity

So SoMa

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caitlin@sfbg.com

SEX The tech-y, day lit factory space of high design sex toy manufacturers Crave (www.lovecrave.com) is located at Folsom and Eighth Street, so of course the innovative, pronged vibrator that industrial designer Ti Chang is showing me doubles as a USB storage device.

“I can’t imagine a better city in the United States to do this,” Chang tells me, ushering me past the way-cool 3-D printer, laser engraver, and laser cutter the company uses to build its line of pricey vibrators (besides motors and batteries — difficult to source affordably from this country — the vibes are made and assembled right there in the SoMa space.)

Crave’s full line-up. Please note vibrating nipple clamp lariat necklace (top)

Assembly line. Bottom left, a contraption meant to test the vibes under water pressure

Chang launched the Crave line on Valentine’s Day with business partner Michael Topolovac after a wildly successful crowdfunding venture, accomplished without the help of Kickstarter, which eschews sex-related campaigns. They hosted a “build a vibe” workshop that allowed customers to see just how “safe and lovely it is when these [toys] come together,” she says.

The line is beautiful, made to appeal to women put off by more vulgar devices. The “Duet” vibrator features two prongs meant to surround the clitoris, and can deliver a powerful, silent range of vibrations. It’s USB rechargeable, and its base comes in stainless steel or plated with 24 karat gold, in the case of the model that also houses 16GB of data storage. (“That’s for the uber jet setter,” jokes Chang.)

I can’t remember what this machine does. Shapes metal?

Crave’s resident teddybear

Chang’s designs are so gorgeous you want to show them off — and you can. Crave’s “Foreplay” jewelry line (which is made in China) doubles as accessories. The “Droplet Necklace” is a lariat design featuring two graceful silver weights that can be affixed to your nipples, and set to vibrate.

Titillated? Crave is one of the local businesses hosting a factory tour through SFMade Week — go see how pleasure is built.

SF MADE CRAVE TOUR

May 9, 4-5pm, free

1234 Folsom, SF

www.sfmade.org

THIS WEEK’S SEXY EVENTS

“Porn 2.0: Creating Adult Content for Online Consumption” Wed/1, 7pm, $10. Feelmore510, 1703 Telegraph, Oakl. www.feelmore510.com. Roxxie Cyber teaches you about the best way to convert that sex tape to rock-hard… dollars.

“I Masturbate” Through May 31. Opening reception: Fri/3, 7-10pm, free. Center for Sex and Culture, 1359 Mission, SF. www.sexandculture.org. Down for a gallery show of positively sexy people masturbating? Of course you are! As bonus, photographer Shilo McCabe is willing to wager more displays of this nature are key to improving society’s openness about our sexuality. Now you’re perving with a purpose!

Thong Protest Sat/4, noon-2pm, free. Jane Warner Plaza, Market and Castro, SF. nude-in.blogspot.com. Toe the line of legality at this demonstration against the recent nudity ban, where thongs, jockstraps, socks-on-your-cock are the recommended dress code.

Bay to Breakers: Go naked, everyone!

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I realize security is a serious issue after Boston. And I’m all for public safety. So if the city is going to ban backpacks at Bay to Breakers, (just for runners, or for spectators, too? How can that be enforced?), we might as well take the next logical step:

More naked runners.

Run naked and you can’t hide a bomb. Run naked and you are no security threat to anyone. In fact, public nudity is one of the best defenses against terrorism; have you ever heard of a naked terrorist?

Let’s go all the way. The runners. The spectators. The casual passers-by, the folks who happen to live along the route …. banning backpacks is just a start. Ban clothes. All day, all along the 7.5 miles. A naked city is a safe city.

Scott Wiener can stay home.

Hunky Jesus resurrected! Contest moves inside to DNA

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A cloud of gloom settled over San Francisco’s cloisters when the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence’s annual Hunky Jesus contest was rained out on Easter weekend. But rejoice, disciples — the deeply irreligious happenings have a new home. Gather your tithes, it’s not gonna be free this time around.

The Sisters have chosen to alight upon DNA Lounge for the resurrection, and will be charging at the door on a sliding scale — online tickets are retailing for $8 at the “apostle” level, $12 for “prophets,” and $17 for those who consider themselves worthy of paying at the “messiah” level. (We expect that the Sisters would encourage all to do so.) UPDATE: Sister Connie Pinko tells us that no one will be turned away for lack of funds, but dig deep kiddos.

What’s the cash going to pay for? Well your favorite maternal order, obviously. Briefly peruse the Sisters’ history if you need a reminder of how amazingly revolutionary and crazy these queens are. Plus, New York recording artist Love Charisse will be on hand and, DJs — the nature of whom are as yet unannounced. UPDATE: Today’s press release from the Sisters says music will be provided by the Go Bang! crew, and burlesque by Dottie Lux of Red Hots Burlesque.

Just remember to use your inside — voices. “No nudity or simulated sex acts allowed since this event is being held in a bar,” reminds the Sisters’ website. Can’t get crazy like you can at public parks, now. (Even though DNA’s doing a good job of refusing SFPD its Big Brother tendencies.)

Hunky Jesus Contest

April 19, 8pm, $8-$17 presale, $10-20 door

DNA Lounge

375 11th St., SF

www.dnalounge.com

www.thesisters.org

Facebook event

Heads Up: 7 must-see concerts this week

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Is everyone else emotionally and physically exhausted from the Easter/Passover-torrential hailing downpour-April Fool’s Day (who can you trust on the Internet?) mess of the last few days? I certainly am, and I only participated in a few of those spiritual debacles.

No mind, I’m ready to strap on my wellies and/or sunglasses and embark on a week of Esben and the Witch, Mac DeMarco, Babysitter, Glam.I.Rock, Portland Cello Project, Future Twin, and Polkacide with Fuxedos.

Here are your must-see Bay Area concerts this week/end:

Mac DeMarco
“Mac DeMarco has written seven albums and EPs on a guitar that he bought for 30 Canadian dollars. He uses effects pedals that he claims no serious musician would be caught dead with. He’s self released four albums and coined a new genre — “jizz jazz.” Listening to DeMarco’s jangling, blissed-out pop tends to be a pleasant, laid-back experience, more reminiscent of surf pop than jazz. His calming baritone, soft and velvety, sounds like a less depressed Ian Curtis. Compared to his summery sound, DeMarco’s live shows, full of lewd humor, nudity, and scaling stage equipment with wild abandon, provide a sharp contrast. If you are easily shocked or offended, this may not be the show for you.” — Haley Zaremba
With Trails and Ways, Cocktails, Calvin Love
Wed/3, 8pm, $12
Rickshaw Stop
155 Fell, SF
(415) 861-2011
www.rickshawstop.com
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bfTTeZOrs4

Portland Cello Project
The Portland, Oreg.-based indie orchestra, which is seven-deep on the cello, by the way, will play selections from the Beck song reader featuring Laura Gibson, along with some Brubeck and Bach, for good measure.
Wed/3, 8pm, $25
Yoshi’s SF
1330 Fillmore, SF
www.yoshis.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K8ou0iA_68

Esben and the Witch
With swelling crescendos, emotional lyrics, gothy undertones, and shimmering vocals in tow, UK post-rock trio Esben and the Witch comes across the pond for the first time in two years, on tour with newest record, Wash The Sins Not Only The Face (Matador). Should be a witchy one.
With Heliotropes.
Thu/4, 9pm, $13
Brick and Mortar Music Hall
1710 Mission, SF.
www.brickandmortarmusic.com
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cnfx0cij2rw

Babysitter
Victoria, BC “grunge-and-roll” / “long-hair scuzz rocker” trio Babysitter has made its way through the tapes-splits-and-EPs scene since forming in 2010. Now signed to Montreal tastemaker label, Psychic Handshake Record, the band released its first proper full-length, Eye, in late ’12. This current tour takes the thrashy punks through house shows and taquerias, as it should.
With Easy Living, Hazels Wart
Thu/4, 7pm, $5
Casa Sanchez
2778 24th, SF
Facebook: Babysitter
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5yqP71Y87_4

Glam.I.Rock
Lyrically gifted young Oakland rapper Glam.I.Rock — the first half an acronym for “Good Lyrics And Music” — will perform a free in-store during Art Murmur this Friday. If you want to be in on an artist at the tipping point, this would be your chance. The MC has that classic ’90s female-empowerment hip-hop vibe but with some different interests (check the “Who is Glam.I.Rock?” video of her tapping out the Rugrats theme), and a more modern style. Though like her predecessors, she still very much reps her home-base, performing “Inspire Oakland” at the city’s Digital’s Inspiration Awards last December. Makes sense, she’s the daughter of Nic Nac — the only female member of the Mobb crew — and and Dangerous Dame, a member of Too $hort’s Dangerous Crew. Glam.I.Rock’s debut EP, The Feel, recently dropped on Savvie1ent/The Olive Street Agency.
Fri/5, 8pm, free.
Oaklandish
1444 Broadway, Oakl.
(510) 251-9500
www.oaklandish.com
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHVIRAIFBEU

Rock/See: A Concert for the Roxie Theater
In the grand tradition of Live Aid, Farm Aid, and Kidney Now! (that last one might have been fictional), musicians in SF are stepping up to help something they care about: the Mission’s beloved Roxie Theater. The event is to support the Roxie’s campaign to renovate and upgrade its smaller theater, the Little Roxie. As the theater explains , “While many nonprofit arts organizations are joining forces with corporate entities…[we’re] partnering with members of San Francisco’s indie music community.” The Rock/See benefit boasts live performances by favored Bay Area lo-fi/garage rockers Thee Oh Sees, Sonny and the Sunsets, Future Twin, and Assateague. Being that this is for a movie hub, local filmmakers and artists are also getting in on the support: the event includes projections by Barry Jenkins, Jim Granato, and more.
Fri/5, 8:30pm, $25
Verdi Club
2424 Mariposa, SF
www.roxie.com
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZMEGlZCY1o0

Polkacide and Fuxedos
“Sometimes, sweet serendipity steps up to create a lineup so stunningly perfect you can’t believe it’s true. That pretty much sums up the upcoming Polkacide and Fuxedos co-headlining gig, with the imitable Borts Minorts along for the ride as opening act. Individually, each band is well-worth the price of admission alone. You’ve got your punk rock polka, your post-punk, big band, nihilistic freakout (plus props) — and your avant-garde alien lifeform wields his dangerous dance moves and a bass made from a ski.”  —  Nicole Gluckstern
Sat/6, 9:30pm, $12
Bottom of the Hill
1233 17th St, SF
(415) 861-1615
www.bottomofthehill.com
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IdrMuOdVPg

Wiener to star in porn flick

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Supervisor Scott Wiener has signed a contract to star in a new porn film satirizing the city’s ban on nudity.

Variety reports that Wiener accepted a deal “in the mid three figures” to play the fictitious Supervisor Scott Cox in “Cover Up,” a film by the legendary Naked Sword productions.

Wiener replaces porn star Dale Cooper, who has left the film “to pursue other interests.”

The film, shot on location in the Castro, would violate the ban on public nudity that Wiener sponsored – but since the producers obatined permits, Wiener said, wieners are permitted.

“Besides,” he told us, “penises and anuses and perineums are good for business. And what’s good for business is good for San Francisco.”

Wiener, who is exceptionally tall and shuns the dating scene, said he expects his appearing in the film to jump-start his sex life. “A six-foot-six naked guy is, well, a six-foot-six naked guy, if you know what I mean,” Wiener told us. “And I think you do,” he added with a giggle.

Outtakes will soon be available at sfgov.org/nakedsupervisorwiener.

Bad kids get slimed with the Black Lips at Great American Music Hall

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The Great American Music Hall was a soupy, sweaty mess of swamp-like proportions before the Black Lips had even taken the stage Monday night. The crowd, buzzing with the combined excitement of intoxication and anticipation, erupted into howls and screeches as the band took the stage in a puff of fog-machine smoke. From behind the mist, one of the Black Lips yelled into the mic, “If you wanna be smart, read a goddamn book. If you wanna have fun, you’re in the right goddamn place!” And so it began.

The Black Lips are notorious for their raucous, maniacal live presence, often accented with vomit, blood, and piss. The fans, familiar with the reputation and eager to partake, were rowdy and ready for shenanigans from the first distorted chord. The Black Lips’ brand of garage rock is fun and rollicking, but certainly not the sort of heavy metal or hardcore that one would expect to produce the kind of reckless moshing and stagediving that persisted through the entire set.

Standing still was not an option (see above shaky photos). I watched as bystanders were swept into whirlpools of bodies and slimed by shirtless perspirers. The best — and only — option was to join in and dance with abandon.

What this Black Lips set lacked in vomit and blood was certainly made up for in nudity and playful sexuality. Just three songs in, a young woman ripped her top off and jumped into the crowd. Moments later a young man who had climbed onto the stage planted a kiss on the surprised mouth of the security guard who tried to apprehend him.

Meanwhile, in the crowd, audience members literally wrestled — Greco-Roman style — on the filthy floor as the man to my left happily pressed a beer can to his already blackening eye.

As the floors quaked and the Lips screamed, it was impossible not to bask in the collective joyful insanity. The band itself, while playing with enthusiasm and embracing crazed fans crawling across the stage like so many fire ants without a flinch, did very little to contribute to the wild vivacity of the gig.

The Black Lips’ reputation brings together the perfect storm of adrenaline junkies and rock’n’roll enthusiasts to make a great show happen regardless of their own actions. Even their slow songs — songs that in any other circumstances and played by any other band would be met with mellow, stationary gazes — were met with crowdsurfers and a sort of slow-motion moshing.

The frenetic energy that swept the crowd during beloved songs, most notably — and most appropriately — 2008’s “Bad Kids” was an indescribable high. Hundreds of screaming voices and jostling bodies jumped and lunged to the explosive chorus, singing “bad kids, all my friends are bad kids” and screaming, “kids like you and me!”

When the Black Lips filed off the stage and the lights came up, I surveyed the damage. Beer cans, sweatshirts, and single shoes littered the floor. Sweaty fans in all states of undress stumbled out of the beautiful, ornate venue and into the mercifully cool night, hooting and shouting about their new battle scars.

Our Weekly Picks: March 13-19, 2013

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WEDNESDAY 13

VOWS

The legend of San Francisco band VOWS includes heartbreak, cross-country travel, and a little gambling in Reno. All that occurred nearly six years and a couple of albums ago. Since then, it has more finely tuned its breed of psych-pop comprised of punchy guitar riffs, seamless transitions between raspy yelps and bright three-part harmonies, and depth couched in catchy lyrics that all fits perfectly into a distinctly West Coast tradition. In the midst of recording its third album, VOWS comes to Rickshaw Stop to show it all off. (Laura Kerry)

With Standard Poodle, the Goldenhearts

8pm, $10

Rickshaw Stop

155 Fell, SF

(415) 861-2011

www.rickshawstop.com

 

“Hooch, Harlots, and History: Vice in San Francisco”

Those who’ve moved to San Francisco from other regions (admit it, most of you) are often endlessly curious about the city’s seedier past: the sailors, roadhouses, moonshine-makers, and generalized underground happenings that helped shape our weird little city by the bay. At this Flipside (an offshoot of the the San Francisco Museum and Historical Society) event inside the historic Old Mint building — a docent tour of which is worth the ticket price, alone — there will be historical presentations by Duggan McDonnell, Stuart “Broke-Ass” Schuffman, Woody LaBounty, and Laureano Faedi, along with live music and rare archival footage of old SF. Plus, there’ll be eats on hand for purchase, and entry includes one complimentary boozy beverage. Bring on the vices. (Emily Savage)

6:30-9:30pm, $5–$10

Old Mint

88 Fifth St., SF

flipsidesfvice.eventbrite.com


THURSDAY 14

“Ask A Scientist Pi Day Puzzle Party”

What is it about this particular entity? Throughout the ages, people have composed odes for its elegance, books about its ubiquity, and formulas to try to grasp its ineffability. We’re talking about Pi, of course, and Thursday’s the day to celebrate it (3.14). And whether or not you have memorized three or three-hundred digits (or zero) of the mathematical constant, Ask A Scientist has the perfect pi-worship for you. Come to SoMa StrEat Food Park, grab some nourishment, and settle down alone or with a team to get your blood pumping with a rowdy puzzle competition. You probably won’t pin down the mystery of that wonderfully irrational number, but you just might earn a bit of glory. (Kerry)

7pm, free

SoMa StreEat Food Park

428 11th St., SF

www.askascientistsf.com

 

Odesza

Somewhere between SF and the Mojave desert, between midnight and three in the morning, it started to get to me. Not the physical tiredness, but the boredom that comes with staring down a couple of yellow lines perpetually receding into the darkness. I needed stimulation, and found it in Summer’s Gone, a free LP from Pacific North West electronic duo Odesza. Headphones were one thing, but hearing it in the car gave new dimension to the production: swelling bass lines emerged and pulled back, light strings and chimes moved about the interior, and the melodic, frequently chopped vocals seemed like passengers along for the ride. (Ryan Prendiville)

With Emancipator, Little People

9pm, $20

Mezzanine

444 Jessie, SF

(415) 625-8880

www.mezzaninesf.com


FRIDAY 15

“Labayen Dance 18th Anniversary Season”

In a couple of years Labayen Dance/SF will celebrate its 20th anniversary. That would be a remarkable achievement for any company, particularly a smallish one working in a town where new companies pop up like crocuses. Enrico Labayen was an excellent dancer and now creates intimate work but also tackles big ambitious pieces around often-painful issues — imprisonment, environmental disasters. child abuse, violence against women. He has choreographed to original music but also well-known scores like Carmina Burana. In this concert he’ll present the American premiere of his Rite of Spring, first shown in his native Philippines. He clearly attracts very fine dancers rarely seen anywhere else. Labayen’s own pieces will be joined by works from his own dancers. (Rita Felciano)

Also Sat/16, 8pm; Sun/17, 7:30pm, $20

Dance Mission Theater

3316 24th St. S.F.

(415) 826-4441

brownpapertickets.com/event/319623

 

The Chop Tops

Santa Cruz rockers the Chop Tops have been tearing up stages for nearly two decades now, taking traditional rockabilly and chucking out the owner’s manual, boosting the power, streamlining the chassis, and hot rodding it into something that’s all their own. Perennial favorites at the Viva Las Vegas festival, the trio has toured across the country and performed as far away as Australia — but local fans can check out the action tonight at “Handsome Hawk Valentine’s Rock N’ Rumble,” where Sinner, Shelby and Brett are guaranteed to blow the roof off the joint with their always incendiary set of what they call “revved-up rockabilly.” (Sean McCourt)

With Slim Jenkins, Tony T. and the Pendletons, the Bastard Makers

8:30pm, $16

Slim’s

333 11th St., SF

(415) 255-0333

www.slimspresents.com

 

A Wilhelm Scream

A Wilhelm Scream, named for the stock scream sound byte used in slasher films and classic horror movies, originally formed under the name Smackin’ Isaiah in New Bedford, Mass. The band emerged in a deluge of likeminded acts (Hot Water Music, Propaghandi) formed in the glorious heyday of oldschool emo, post-hardcore, and serious young adult angst — otherwise known as the mid-’90s. Through its decades of inventive melodic hardcore, name changes, shifting lineups, and five studio albums, A Wilhelm Scream never managed to attain that “big break.” Its lack of mainstream success, however, is irrelevant when compared to its incredible stamina and quietly influential presence in the punk scene. (Haley Zaremba)

With Heartsounds, Stickup Kid, I Don’t Wanna Hear It

9pm, $10

Thee Parkside

1600 17th St, SF

(415) 252-1330

www.theeparkside.com

 

Michael Mayer

“No hesitation, no obligation. Let’s just have a good time,” WhoMadeWho’s Jeppe Kjellberg intones on Michael Mayer’s “Good Times.” The lyrics could be creepy and pushy, but the immaculate underlying beat is strictly 4/4, familiar and reliable as a friend. An all-too-occasional producer in his own right, Mayer is a trusted name as co-owner of Germany’s Kompakt, one of the most dependable labels in the world. At one of techno’s hubs, Mayer should have a lot to pull from for his set, but make sure to arrive in time for the chill house live vocal duo Benoit and Sergio, to be assured an extra good time. (Prendiville)

9pm, $16.50

Mezzanine

444 Jessie, SF

(415) 625-8880

www.mezzaninesf.com


SATURDAY 16

“Lucidity: Fariba Bogzaran, A Retrospective” In our dreams we fly, we have intimate moments, and we travel. In our dreams we also sometimes see ourselves dreaming. Fariba Bogzaran, Ph.D. has studied lucid dreams for decades. And if that wasn’t cool enough, she has also created corresponding artwork for about the same amount of time. In Meridian Gallery’s three-story retrospective of the artist’s work, Bogzaran’s surrealist paintings will shed some light on the consciousness-expanding possibilities of dreams. Everyone dreams but no one can adequately express the images once they wake. Bogzaran presents an intriguing way to do so. (Kerry)

Through April 30

6pm, free

Meridian Gallery

535 Powell, SF

(415)398-7229

www.meridiangallery.org


MONDAY 18

“Math Films Mathathon”

Mathematicians in films are usually portrayed as wack jobs (Russell Crowe in 2001’s A Beautiful Mind; that dude in 1998’s Pi), though you could make a case for the “hunky-yet-emotionally-damaged” blackboard bandit in Good Will Hunting (1997). Bay Area filmmaker George Csicsery’s “Math Films Mathathon” docs sidestep the clichés, thankfully. Tonight brings the local premiere of Taking the Long View: The Life of Shiing-Shen Chern, about the co-founder of Berkeley’s Mathematical Sciences Research Institute, as well as Julia Robinson and Hilbert’s Tenth Problem, notable not just for its famous equation but also for focusing on a female numbers whiz. March 20’s docs spotlight both the legendary (N is a Number: A Portrait of Paul Erdos) and the up-and-coming (Hard Problems: The Road to the World’s Toughest Math Contest). (Cheryl Eddy)

Also March 20

Roxie Theater

3117 16th St., SF

www.roxie.com

 

The Black Lips

Cole Alexander and Jared Swilley have been making deliciously dirty, cacophonous garage rock together since they were teenagers in Atlanta. In high school, their onstage antics and outlandish humor had already earned them a reputation extreme enough to get them expelled in the anti-outcast hysteria that swept the nation after the Columbine High School massacre. This abrupt turn led them to create the group that would become the Black Lips, one of the industry’s most respected, feared, and least predictable rock bands. Vomit, urine, nudity, etc. were more or less standard in the band’s early, awe-inspiring performances. Though they’ve mellowed a bit over the years, they still provide one of the most frenetic, energetic, and thoroughly worthwhile performances out there. (Zaremba)

With Night Beats

8pm, $16

Great American Music Hall

859 O’Farrell, SF

(415) 885-0750

www.slimspresents.com

 

Sound Tracks: Music Without Borders

After several years as the Guardian’s art director, Mirissa Neff (already a popular DJ in her spare time) left in 2012 to pursue other avenues for her talents — including co-hosting Sound Tracks: Music Without Borders, a PBS show focusing on world music. Tonight, the latest episode premieres, featuring performances by Youssou N’dour, Wynton Marsalis, Icelandic popsters Of Monsters and Men, and Scottish musician Julie Fowlis — whose crooning on the Brave soundtrack just might have helped the 2012 Pixar hit win an Oscar for Best Animated Film. (Eddy)

10pm, KQED

pbs.com/soundtracks

 

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Noise Pop 2013: YACHT, Shock, and Future Twin at Slim’s

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When I went to see YACHT, a couple years ago during the Treasure Island Music Festival, it was playing outdoors in the afternoon, and it seemed like the wrong time and place. Last year at the Fox, the conceptual electropop band seemed stifled by the combination of the large venue and sparse crowd, and also mired by the same lackluster audio conditions that made headliner Hot Chip sound like it was playing underwater. But Saturday at Slim’s, on my last night of Noise Pop, it seemed just…

Fuck, I’ve wandered into the Goldilocks cliché.

Anyway, YACHT likes to keep it personal. Personable? The duo of Jona Bechtolt and Claire L. Evans (bolstered by other band members on tour) affect a borderline cultish air — utopian ideals were all over its last album Shangri-La and lead track, um, “Utopia” — that plays better when the audience is kept close, in a intimate venue.

“Ahhh, your hair is so long!” a woman in the sold out crowd screamed, when singer Evans first appeared on stage during the sound check, dark roots showing under what was previously close cropped and bleached blonde. It struck me as the kind of thing you say to a close friend you haven’t seen in a while. (“She’s much better looking than the last time I saw her,” someone else near me judged later in the show.)

This friendly rapport makes a lot of sense, given how much effort the group makes towards fostering it. Hopping off stage and tangling the crowd up in a mic cord has basically become a rock party trick at this point (probably because it’s an almost foolproof way to charm the crowd). Evans employed it as a starter, but went on to continually flatter fans and solicit questions, indulging in requests for hugs and spare beers. Throughout this course of events, singer, multi-instrumentalist, and YACHT founder Bechtolt competed for the larger cult of personality with a hopped-up glee.

Somewhat listless at the Fox performance, YACHT was nothing but efficient on Saturday. Maybe it was limited on time to begin with, but the set clicked by, highlighted by high-energy renditions of “I Walked Along” and “Utopia” — better than any I’ve heard.

An obvious encore followed (right after Bechtolt assured someone — probably the guy up front waving a sticker sheet and Sharpie since the sound check —that he’d sign anything five minutes after the show was over) with “Ring the Bell,” a super snappy version of shout-along “Psychic City,” and “Second Summer.” It was all done with an intentionality that could be either super endearing to a fan or off-putting viewed as an outsider, but I’m increasingly finding myself group with the former.

Openers

Shock: “We only have two minutes left and our songs are like seven minutes,” singer and bassist Terri Loewenthal of Shock said, after playing three tracks of slinky synth funk with slow vocals and lots of glissando. Five or so minutes later, the ground finished its set and she added, “So that was the short version.” Which was pretty satisfying.

Future Twin: Future Twin was precociously San Francisco, noting that one song was about trying to find affordable housing and cracking dead on delivery jokes about the nudity ban only applying out on the streets. But with dynamic singer and guitarist Jean Yaste  — whose voice recalls equally parts Corin Tucker and Exene Cervenka — and drummer Antonio Roman-Alcala, this band can get away with saying whatever it wants during mic breaks. Its upcoming benefit for the Roxie at the Verdi Club with Thee Oh Sees and Sonny and the Sunsets has it in good company.

Tussle: It’s been three years since I last saw Tussle at Milk Bar, and given the recordings the group released since then I had high expectations to see it much improved. But trouble with setting up a ton of equipment and subsequent delays really hobbled its start, and the group never seemed to quite overcome it. Unintentional tempo shifts seemed common, the double drummers never quite seemed to sync, and the generally structureless songs seemed to only end when every member came to the sudden realization that someone else was cuing them to wrap it up.

On the Cheap listings

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Submit items at listings@sfbg.com. For further information on how to submit items for listings, see Picks

WEDNESDAY 6

RayKo’s sixth annual plastic camera show RayKo Photo Center, 428 Third St., SF. www.raykophoto.com. Through April 22. Opening reception: 6-8pm, free. You’d never these cameras’ non-pro status by the breathtaking images they are capable of creating. Highlighted in this year’s RayKo show is LA-based artist Thomas Alleman, who began using a Holga camera in 2001 to document the aftermath of 9/11. His dreamy, dramatic prints perfectly pinpoint the dysfunctional beauty of these toy cameras.

“Beyond THC: Cannabidiol and the future of medical marijuana” Commonwealth Club of California, 595 Market, SF. www.commonwealthclub.org. 5:30pm, $12 members, $7 students, $20 nonmembers. Martin A. Lee, author of Smoke Signals — which focuses on the social history of cannabis — will be speaking about the benefits of cannabidiol (CBD), a non-psychoactive component of marijuana that lacks the “high” effect of THC and contains key medicinal benefits. Lee will discuss how the medical marijuana industry has responded to the discovery of CBD and sign copies of his book afterward.

THURSDAY 7

Robot NightLife California Academy of Sciences, 55 Music Concourse, SF. www.calacademy.org. 6-10pm, $12. This beloved weekly museum soiree delves into sci-fi this evening with a focus on robots. Managing director of Silicon Valley Robotics will speak to the local innovation and commercialization of robots and Academy curator Gary Williams will show off footage of deep-sea corals from Pillar Point Harbor. A robotic performance by art group Survival Research Labs and exceptional designs by robot design studio BeatBots are also on tonight’s schedule.

“Art Star” Otis Lounge, 25 Maiden Lane, SF. www.otissf.com. 10pm-2am, free. If you’re looking to submerge yourself into the city’s art community, head over to Otis Lounge to meet and network with artsy individuals at this monthly first Thursday event. Whether you make, buy, sell, or just love art, all creatives are welcome.

Community dinner St. Cyprian’s Episcopal Church, 2097 Turk, SF. www.saintcyprianssf.org. 7pm, free. Hungry, cash-strapped health nuts listen up. This free dinner created from USF’s garden and local farmers markets is open to everyone and anyone interested. The event lacks any motivation beyond a heartfelt effort to bring the community together through wholesome food.

Writerscorps Live with Tamim Ansary Contemporary Jewish Museum, 736 Mission, SF. www.sfartscommission.org. 6:30-7:30pm, free. Award-winning youth writing program WritersCorps has partnered with the CJM for a multi-generational live reading. Author Tamim Ansary will read from his memoir West of Kabul, East of New York, based on his family’s immigration from Afghanistan to San Francisco. The reading will also showcase WritersCorps teaching artist Minna Dubin and students from Downtown High School, Aptos Middle School, Mission High School, and more.

First Thursday with OM Cocktails Hang Street Gallery, 567 Sutter, SF. www.hangart.com. 6-8pm, free. Organic mixology — premixed in the bottle? Will wonders never cease. Check out this brand’s coconut-lychee cocktails and more at Hang Street’s First Thursday reception.

FRIDAY 8

East Bay Bike Party, location TBA. 7:30, free. eastbaybikeparty.wordpress.com. It’s time to go green, literally. The theme of this month’s East Bay group rideout is the favored color of enviro-fans and Kermit the Frog alike. Whether you want to channel your inner leprechaun or bike around as giant pot leaf, the possibilities are endless. If you’re a Bike Party virgin make sure to also look over the code of conduct to help keep the event as community-friendly as possible.

SATURDAY 9

White Walls gallery 10th anniversary show White Walls, 886 Geary, SF. www.whitewallssf.com. Through April 6. Opening reception 7-11pm, free. Town’s best-known “urban art” gallery hosts this retrospective of a decade of boundary-breaking work within its wall (kind of — the gallery recently moved to a larger space on Geary Street). Check out works from Shepard Fairey, ROA, Apex, Ferris Plock, and of the best who have plied works there.

“Doctors on Board” Oakland Marriott City Center, 1001 Broadway, Oakl. www.pmfmd.com/doctors-on-board. 6am-6:30pm, free to students. Application required. The Physicians Medical Forum is hosting a day of workshops and skills training session helping African American students to attend medical school and residency programs. Prominent physicians will provide information about medical school preparation, medical specialties, and life as a physician.

“Quilt San Francisco” Concourse Exhibition Center, 635 Eighth St., SF. www.sfquiltersguild.org Also Sun/10. 10am-4pm, $10 for two-day pass. This two-day exhibit, organized by the San Francisco Quilters Guild, vividly showcases the revitalization of the traditional art form. 400 quilts and special exhibits will shown the many artistic dimensions of wearable art and modern stitching. There will also be a children’s corner, where kids can get marching orders for a treasure hunt that will lead them to special quilts in the show.

Irish-American children’s hour of music, song and dance San Francisco Public Library, Fisher Children’s Center, 100 Larkin, SF. 11am, free. www.sfpl.org. Crossroads, an annual Irish-American festival timing to open up St. Patrick’s Day season, invites the kiddos to learn traditional Irish dance taught by instructors from the Brosnan School of Irish Dance.

Fourth annual World Naked Bike Ride Meet at Justin Herman Plaza, Market and Embarcadero, SF. www.worldnakedbikeride.org. 11am-4pm, free. Protest global dependency on oil and find out what its like to pedal through Fisherman’s Wharf in the buff. All are welcome to take part — even clothed riders — but those in the buff earn extra badass points, given the uncertain status of the ride under the city’s new anti-public nudity ordinance.

“Permutation Unfolding” Root Division, 3175 17th St., SF. www.rootdivision.org. Opening reception 7-10pm, free. Bring the kids to the opening of this group exhibition exploring the biomorphic formations that can spring from the artistic process (we’re not sure what that means either.) There will be an all-ages creativity station, a perfect place to craft while Markus Hawkins spins an auditory web in an 8pm performance.

SUNDAY 10

Exploratorium’s On the Move Fest Mission District location: Buena Vista Horace Mann School, 3351 23rd St., SF. 11am-4pm, free; Bayview location: Bayview Opera House Ruth Williams Memorial Theatre, 4705 Third St., SF. 11am-4pm; Embarcadero location: Pier 15, 11am-10pm. www.exploratorium.edu. All locations offer free admission. Everyone’s favorite on-hiatus science museum is sending 10 trucks tricked out with the kind of wacky, hands-on exhibits its know for to the Mission, Bayview, and the Embarcadero for a day of science, music, and food. In both Bayview and the Mission, enjoy itinerant filmmaking, projects that encourage attendees to sport costumes and act out a special script which will then be chopped, screwed, and shown to the public.

TUESDAY 12

“Stars of Stand-up Comedy” Neck of the Woods, 406 Clement, SF. www.dannydechi.com. 8pm, $10. Comedian and pencil musician (exactly what that means we are not quite sure, please report back if you go) Danny Delchi is hosting tonight’s show. Long-time Niners field announcer Bob Sarlatte and the quirky Mr. Mystic will be performing alongside a number of other top Bay Area comedians.

Persian New Year Festival Persian Center, 2029 Durant, Berk. www.anotherbullwinkelshow.com. What better way to welcome spring than to jump over a bonfire? Head over to the Persian Center to take part in this ritual that has been passed down since Zoroastrian times. Accompanying the fiery activity will be Persian food, music, and dancing.

Giving consent to capitalism

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caitlin@sfbg.com

SEX “BDSM so quickly and easily gets painted with a broad brush,” said porn performer and author (her piece this week on Jezebel, “How I Became a Feminist Porn Star” is not to be missed) Dylan Ryan.

I’d called her in the wake of last week’s SF Weekly cover story (“Gag Order,” 2/20/13), which included some healthy critiques of Kink.com, the local porn company often held up as the standard when it comes to shooting kinky sex.

The piece also included testimony that was run without being fact-checked from certain ex-Kink employees — and that aside, the article was clearly timed to capitalize on controversy surrounding owner Peter Acworth’s recent drug and gun arrest. (ATTN: Weekly, you need not call into question the “strict code of ethical behavior and transparency” a pornographer is known for when it is discovered that said pornographer does cocaine, nor when he fires guns in the bowels of a building made for that purpose.)

The Weekly’s investigation continues. Hopefully it will help move conversation forward on how to make better porn.

As Ryan — who has shot for Kink.com for nearly 10 years — pointed out, the trouble with porn wars is that they can be skewed into a referendum on whether such-and-such porn (and often, by extension, the sexual desire it portrays) should exist.

So real quick, let’s use this moment to convene members of our occasionally dysfunctional, but forever-forward thinking sex work community. The question: can sexual consent exist when you’re doing it for the money? Who is in charge of making sure everyone’s needs are respected?

“When capitalism is involved, it makes the situation…interesting,” wrote performer Maxine Holloway [after protesting and ceasing to shoot for Kink.com when it removed base pay for web cam models, Holloway settled out of court with the company. Her voice appears in the Weekly article.] “As models we want to perform well, we want to push our boundaries, we want to get paid, and we want to be hired again and again.”

But, she continued, “money can be a perfectly legitimate reason to consent. Most people would not agree to show up at their nine-to-five job if they were not being paid an agreed amount of money.”

Ryan re-enforced the importance of the shoot’s producers stating clear run times, expectations, and other matters with performers before filming. After that point: “it’s a fine line, but so much of the onus is on the person to be their own agent.”

Locally, performer Kitty Stryker has examined these issues in her “Safe/Ward” consent workshops. And Holloway wrote she hopes to create an “industry standards” rating system that could guide performers to responsible producers. “Porn performers are not inherently victims and producers are not inherently exploitive,” she cautioned.

“These things can be positive, sexually healthy,” Ryan continued. “Every performance I do is about showing women how much fun I’m having.” Would that all debate on ethical porn started off with how its participants want to demystify, and excise shame from, sexuality — instead of drug charges.

THIS WEEK’S SEX EVENTS

“Bling My Vibe” Fri/1-March 31, free. Good Vibrations, 1620 Polk, SF. tinyurl.com/blingmyvibe.

Who says no to creating a work of art with a $3 vibrating dildo? Not this writer — check out my handiwork, and that of other Bay Area artists and sexy local celebs at this sex toy art show on view ’til the end of the month.

The Great Church of Holy Fuck Fri/1-Sun/3, 8pm, $15. Counterpulse, 1310 Mission, SF. www.counterpulse.org. The name, the fact that this production is helmed by Annie Danger, queer trans utopia-seeker, the promise of nudity — surely these will add to a truly religious interactive theater experience.

International Sex Workers Rights Day picnic Sun/3, 11am-2pm, free. Dolores Park, 19th St. and Guerrero, SF. www.swopbay.org. The Sex Workers Outreach Project and St. James’ Infirmary are hosting this gathering of past and present sex workers and their allies in celebration of this day of commemoration, which started in 2001 at sex worker festival in Calcutta, India.

 

Girl Scouts versus Scott Weiner versus Naked Sword: Here’s your week in sexy events

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There are few things that San Franciscans love more than Thin Mints, and local Girl Scouts found out what those were on Sunday when a troop conviniently posted up in front of the deceased Diesel store at Castro and Market. The whippersnappers paid witness not only to another nude-y demonstration against the city’s new ban on public nudity, but also to said demonstration’s infiltration by dapper members (ahem) of local porn outfit Naked Sword [as Castro Biscuit reported.] They’re making a send-up of the nudity ban starring an ambitious politician, surname: Cox. Wink.

The flick will star Guardian cover boy Leo Forte, Dale Cooper as Cox, Christian Wilde as Officer Dick — who, we will note, was the only “cop” making arrests at the porn shoot-protest. Though there were six members of SFPD there by Castro Biscuit’s count and many exposed sets of genitalia, not a single arrest was made. If you’re going to have a nudity ban, might as well be a selectively-enforced one — all the better for climate-of-fear creating, amiright?

Adult Entertainment Virtual Convention 

Perhaps you were unable to attend the AVN porn awards in Vegas this year, or last weekend’s transgender version, the Tranny Awards in Los Angeles. How will you supplant the opportunities you forewent to rub elbows with your favorite adult stars in a vast, drafty hotel conference room? Might we recommend this peculiar, multi-day event hosted by porn critics Xbiz and sex-only Second Life-esque world Red Light Social Center. Now in its second year, you can prowl the halls of the convention avatar-like, taking in a Q&A with James Deen (Sat/23, 10am), daily industry networking hours, and expert panels on social media and branding for adult brands (Wed/27, 2pm) and online possibilities for sex work (Fri/22, 2pm).

Wed/20-Sat/23, free with online registration. www.adultvirtualconvention.com

Bawdy Storytelling: “One Night Stand” slam

It’s another edition of this XXX storytelling series’ amateur hour — not in a bad way! We’re just trying to say the field is open to all comers. Come at 7:30pm to sign up for a five-minute slot, all for you to lay bare your tale of one-off sexual shenanigans. The winner gets to compete in an upcoming championship round of some sort. Good luck, truth teller. 

Thu/21, 8pm, $10. Cafe Royale, 800 Post, SF. www.bawdystorytelling.com

Antique vibrator talk with Rachel Maines

Rachel Maines was actually researching a different kind of poke entirely when she came across the world of vibrator history — the scholar, who is currently a visiting scientist at Cornell University’s School of Electrical and Computer Engineering, first saw mention of old school vibes in antique needlepoint magazines. Her interest piqued, Maines embarked on a study of the vibrator’s origins in private homes and as a tool used by doctors to treat “hysteria” among the female population. Today, she gives a talk surrounded by Good Vibrations founder Jodi Blanks’ formidable collection of vibrators throughout history — and of course, alongside some modern-day versions you can buy for your newly-educated self. 

Fri/22, 6:30pm, free. Good Vibrations, 1620 Polk, SF. www.goodvibes.com

Sex Worker Outreach Project meeting

Current and former sex workers are invited over to talk justice at SWOP’s regular meeting of the minds. The national organization fights for social justice for sex workers, working particularly on anti-violence issues. SWOP was behind a failed bid to decriminalize prostitution in 2004, and every year leads the way with the International Day to End Violence Against Sex Workers — check it out. 

Feb. 28, 6pm, free. Harm Reduction Coalition, 1440 Broadway, Suite 510, Oakl. www.swopbay.org

“Hard Day at the Office: Sex Workers on the Job”

… Speaking of SWOP, if you didn’t make it to that meeting — or aren’t a current or former sex worker, but still want to support the group’s work — or just like lit, get over to this evening of spoken word performances about the world’s oldest profession. Contributing to the program: Apaulo Hart, Carol Queen, Chad Litz, Cho Whoreingsly Prancypants, Daphne Gottlieb, Jacques LeFemme, Janetta Johnson, Miss Lola Sunshine, and Shelley “Muffie” Mays. 

Sat/23, 8pm, $10-20 sliding scale. Center for Sex and Culture, 1349 Mission, SF. www.sexandculture.org

Nina Hartley mash notes, PETA gets naked, crafty vibes: Your week in sex events

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Everyone survive the bused-in loads of pro-lifers prancing down Market Street last Saturday? Good. FYI, the Pope’s real happy with San Francisco right about now, so if you need to ask him for anything (to borrow clothes?) do it.

Real Talk forum: “Open Relationships”

Real talk: being happy in a polyamorous relationship doesn’t mean you don’t ever get jealous. Real Talk: a series of panel discussions organized by the San Francisco AIDS Foundation that explores the issues related to gay men having happy and healthy sexual lives. The last discussion focused on serosorting — this one’s for those interested in strengthening their open relationship by examining what makes us jealous, and how to work through the emotion. 

Wed/30, 6-8pm, free. LGBT Community Center, 1800 Market, SF. www.sfaf.org

American Apparel casting call/”Shop It Like It’s Hot”

Look pretty, sullen, and emaciated at this mega discount shopping event — in addition to slashed sales prices on lewks from Crossroads Trading Co., RoyalMint, Covet Boutique, Meggie, Violet Boutique, Thrifted and Modern, Alyssa Nicole, and Acrimony, American Apparel will be hawking their solid color essentials and looking for models. Enter IMCHICSF in when you buy your online ticket and you’ll get $10 off. Also: there will be a food cart.

Wed/30, 6-9pm, $20. 111 Minna, SF. www.111minnagallery.com

PETA jumps on Nude-In train

Really, the cwazy vegans over at PETA need little excuse to get naked, but we are glad that they chose this one: the cwazy nudiest are protesting cwazy Scott Weiner’s impending nudity ban (again), and they’re doing it on the steps of City Hall again, and PETA will be there drawing the correlation to the fur trade by hoisting protest signs in the buff. Of course! Insert some tounge-clicky, chuckling “only in San Francisco” condescension — then take your clothes off and join fray.  

Thu/31, noon, free. Outside City Hall, SF. www.peta.org

“Letters to a Porn Star: Nina Hartley Fan Mail”

First off, the Center for Sex and Culture has a Nina Hartley collection and that’s really exciting. Secondly, selections from said collection will be on display, in all their fawning/questioning/pervy glory, at the Center until mid-March. Tonight, take in the letters, gifts, and trinkets sent to the classically amazing pioneer feminist porn star — and check out a talk by Ingrid Olsen, a CSC fellow who has been elbow-deep in Nina land. 

Through March 18. Opening reception and talk: Fri/1, 7-10pm, free. Center for Sex and Culture, 1349 Mission, SF. www.sexandculture.org

Feelmore Fresh Fridays

Every last Friday, downtown Oakland adult store and sex culture hub Feelmore510 hosts an evening of naughty film at the recently-opened New Parkway. We guess tonight’s showing could be sexy, but in a deeply disturbing way: the film is 2010’s Venus Noire, a bio-pic of Saartjes Baartman, a woman from Southern Africa who was trotted about imperialist Britain billed as a Hottentot. Scientists examined her anatomy and proclaimed her the missing link between humans and apes, and she wound up dying from STDs and pnuemonia at 27. A valuble lesson about psuedo-science and sex, but you’ll probably be using that tissue to wipe away tears rather than any other bodily fluid.

Fri/25, 11:30pm, $10. New Parkway Theater, 474 24th St., Oakl. www.thenewparkway.com

Good Vibes vibrator bling contest

You’ve gotta buy a Good Vibes vibe to play the game (not end of world), but then with a little peacock feather, ornamental zipper, and g-l-i-t-t-e-r you can enter this Good Vibes sex toy crafting contest. The fancified vibrators will be on display at the Polk Street sex shop location during March, and winners of the competition will win gift certificates for the store. Deadline to enter your little friend (we assume they want them to be unused, but don’t let us impose our Puritanical values on your creativity)

Deadline to enter Feb. 28. Deliver by hand or mail to Good Vibrations, 1620 Polk, SF. www.goodvibes.com

Nudity ban upheld, found to be stupid

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The City Attorney’s Office just announced that a federal court has upheld San Francisco’s ban on public nudity. From the press release:

The court found that the nudism advocates’ challenge to the ordinance based on the First Amendment lacked merit because “public nudity alone is not expression protected by the First Amendment,” and because the ordinance was “not substantially overbroad.”  Judge [Edward] Chen additionally rejected plaintiffs’ arguments that exemptions for such permitted events such as Bay to Breakers and the Folsom Street Fair violated constitutional Equal Protection guarantees, holding that plaintiffs failed to demonstrate that the exceptions lacked a rational basis.  Though the nudism advocates’ facial challenge to the ordinance was dismissed without leave to amend, the court left the door open for nudism advocates to amend their pleading with subsequent “as-applied” claims, provided they were able to do so.

So maybe this isn’t over yet.

The news comes just as the Atlantic chimed in on the city’s nudity ban, calling it pretty dumb:

In San Francisco next week, it will remain perfectly legal for a 50-year-old man to seduce an 18-year-old, impregnate her, ridicule her physical appearance until she is brought to tears, walk out on her, seek out her mother, seduce that mother for no other reason than to further hurt the jilted daughter, draw a graphic novel of the whole sordid chain of events, and publish in on the Internet. But it’ll be illegal for him to be naked outside. Does anyone think the resulting moral signal is desirable?

There’s a long discussion of Judeo-Christian values, the Bible, Adam and Eve, etc. But the conclusion really makes the point:

Americans are bombarded with images of semi-clothed people all the time. It just happens that they’re all beautiful actors and actresses, magazine cover girls, television underwear models, and porn stars. The average person sees lots of naked bodies, but very little real variety. While that may be more aesthetically pleasant, it skewers our notion of what a normal human body looks like. In an age of Victoria’s Secret in the mall, substantial nudity on primetime television, and ubiquitous YouPorn, a ban on nonsexual street nudity begins to seem absurd. Society needs some relatively unattractive people to be naked in public now more than ever before.

So there you have it. Legal, stupid.

 

Heads Up: 7 must-see concerts this week

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What a momentous way to kick off the week: Barack Obama’s second inauguration falling on MLK Jr. Day, and with tear-inducing performances by Beyonce and James Taylor, to boot. It doesn’t get much more U-S-A than that. Oh, and there was that whole SF football win on Sunday.

Celebrate your fleeting pride swell with a week-long journey through challenging live music; stop by former local Jhameel’s return concert, the annual SF Tape Music Festival, Luke Sweeney’s Wet Dreams Dry Magic at Mission Creek Oakland, Blond:ish at Monarch, and Gaucho at Cyprian’s, as the group recognizes Django Reinhardt’s birthday.

Also, it’s technically sold out, but “UnderCover presents Joni Mitchell’s Blueat Freight and Salvage tonight (Mon/21) may have some standing room tickets at the door ($24.50). Plus, there are still some presale available for tomorrow night’s show (Tue/22).

Here are your must-see Bay Area concerts this week/end:

Jhameel
Jhameel, our beloved multi-instrumentalist On the Rise star, returns from LA – for the night at least. The formerly Bay Area-based pop songwriter has been hard at work down south in the sun, polishing his futuristic Michael Jackson vibes, writing a new album, and recording more drunk videos for his devoted followers. For this show, he promised those fans he’d sing his damn heart out.
With Giraffage, Coast Jumper
Wed/23, 8:30pm, $10
Cafe Du Nord
2170 Market, SF
www.cafedunord.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiN8CWzNNPI

The Tambo Rays
“If you’re looking for a San Francisco-based band to adore in the new year, keep your eye on the Tambo Rays. The punkish young chillwave foursome released Kaleidoscope, its debut EP, last summer and has speedily garnered an enthusiastic audience. The group — a collaboration between brother and sister Brian and Sara DaMert along with friends Greg Sellin and Bob Jakubs — makes catchy, introspective pop music characterized by B. DaMerts’ crooning vocals and a hazy wall of dissonance.” — Mia Sullivan
With Evil Eyes, Moonbell, Jesus Sons
Wed/23, 9pm, $6
Brick and Mortar
1710 Mission, SF
(415) 371-1631
www.brickandmortarmusic.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1p4WNQaBpAg

Luke Sweeney and Wet Dreams Dry Magic
Luke Sweeney recently released his solo debut, Ether Ore, the album name a reference to the singer-guitarist’s spirit animal, Elliot Smith. It’s a sweet, fresh start for Sweeney as an indie solo artist (“recorded on 1/2″ tape in a living room…over the span of a few days in April 2012”), but you likely know his previous work in VOWS and his excellent current band, lo-fi pop dreamers Wet Dreams Dry Magic, headlining tonight as part of the Mission Creek Oakland Music and Arts Festival.
With Soft Bombs, French Cassettes
Thu/24, 9pm, $10
Uptown
1928 Telegraph, Oak.
www.uptownoakland.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVVhS1xOVc4&feature=plcp

The Walkmen and Father John Misty
The sonic gods have blessed us with this lineup. Separately, both acts would be worthy of a Heads Up shout-out, together they’re an emotional goldmine – bringing together the tender post-punk of the Walkmen, and hip-swinging indie-folk of singer-songwriter Father John Misty (a.k.a. J. Tillman of Fleet Foxes).
Thu/24, 8pm, $25.
Fillmore
1805 Geary, SF
www.livenation.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QaFK_GvO_s

San Francisco Tape Music Festival
The Tape Music Festival reminds us of the more idiosyncratic San Francisco of yore, the one we’re all desperately trying to hold on to, despite blooming micro-apartments, bans on nudity, and the like. Go, support this, “America’s only festival devoted to the performance of audio works projected in three-dimensional space.” This year, there will be a retrospective of the works of Bernard Parmegiani – an influential Parisian composer of acousmatic tape music – along with a piece by Japanese sound artist Ryoji Ikeda, classics by Luciano Berio and Hugh Le Caine, local composers Pamela Z and Andrea Williams, and more.
Fri/25-Sun/27, 8pm, $15 ($35 festival pass)
ODC Theater
3153 17th St., SF
sfsound.org/tape
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cXAevrYhicI

Blond:ish
“In a section of the music industry where club promoters and marketers all too frequently rely on glamor headshots layered over photoshopped neon clouds, London based but Montreal bred Anstascia D’elene and Vivie Ann Bakos have smartly chosen a name that immediately undercuts appearances. (Plus the tag-line: “not all dumbs are blonde.”) With that out of the way, this posh, Kompakt-approved duo has spent the last couple of years making a real name for itself, releasing credible 4×4 house sets and EPs with callbacks to ’60s psychedelia and ’80s new wave, while providing remixes for Todd Terje, Pete Tong, and Tomas Barfod.” — Ryan Prendiville
With DJ M3, Anthony Mansfield
Sat/26, 9pm, $10-20
Monarch
101 Sixth St., SF
(415) 284-9774
www.monarchsf.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtjQTHZ4Wrg

Gaucho: Django Reinhardt’s birthday
If you play any form of gypsy jazz, you have Django Reinhardt to thank for that. Popular local band, Gaucho – which recently passed the decade mark as a group together, no small feat in band-land – recognizes this relationship with an evening dedicated to Reinhardt, during the week of what would have been his 102nd birthday (he was born Jan. 23). If you’d like to wish bonne anniversaire to the master, there’s no better spot this weekend for hot gypsy jazz, ragtime, and pre-war blues.
With Kally Price and the Old Blues and Jazz Band
Sat/26, 8pm, $12
SF Live at Cyprian’s
297 Turk, SF
www.noevalleymusicseries.com
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mn5WWGnggkw

Bizarro mainstream SF sweeps Grindr’s “Best of 2012” — pukes us in the mouth a little

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Dear gay hookup app Grindr,

Maybe it’s just an indication of the type of homosexual who uses your service, and who deigns to participate in surveys like your new “Best of 2012” attempt to broaden your reach into hyperlocalism (soooo 2k9, btw). Or maybe its merely very telling of how you’ve lost any edginess to rivals like Scruff — which, judging from a Scruff glance, is very sad indeed.

But thanks for the violent retch and terrified giggle yesterday when you unveiled the reader-selected wieners  winners of your besties awards. You somehow managed to record every crap gay mainstream stereotype of San Francisco you could, sorry. Also, craaaazy. Scott Wiener as “best community advocate”? Is Pottery Barn a community? 

Anyway, San Francisco itself won every local category of the national survey. Also telling! What uncruisable gym queen with expensive hair is sitting in Badlands right now, possibly Scott Wiener’s best friend, refreshing Grindr and voting wildly? Can someone call their alcoholic Rihanna fan roommate in embroidered jeans and wraparound Gucci shades and find out?

Below is the list of top vote-getters, with commentary

National winners   

    Gay icon of the year: Anderson Cooper
    Straight ally of the year: Barack Obama
     Best TV show: “Modern Family”
    Best TV host: Ellen DeGeneres
    Best source for gossip: TMZ
    TIE for best comedian: Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho
    Best athlete: Orlando Cruz
    Movie of the year: “Magic Mike”
    Song of the year: “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen
    Gadget of the year: iPhone 5

Every one of these things is the exact color of water, but somehow boringer.


Grindr users picked these local landmarks to come out on top:

Gym with the hottest guys:

    Fitness SF (San Francisco)

It’s not the winner per se that horrifies — FitnessSF came into being when it cast off the shackles of its homophobic Gold’s Gym franchise early last year. It’s the category itself. Claim that shallowness!

Best place to get a haircut:

    Salon Baobao (San Francisco)

Waxing available!

Best place to take a first date:

    Castro (San Francisco)

… to steal their wallet and leave them there.

Best Sunday funday:

    Jock Sundays at the Lookout (San Francisco)

Cute but meh.

Favorite gay bar/club:

    Badlands (San Francisco)

Fuck noooooo.

Favorite bartender:

     Mike at Lookout (San Francisco)

If they mean our cute and dear friend Michael — we wholeheartedly agree with Grindr on this point. He’s a great argument for why you should just stick to bars for your pickups, maybe.  

Best gay night/party:

    Beatbox (San Francisco)

This is neither a night nor a party.

Best DJ:

    Haute Toddy (San Francisco)

OK they could have done a lot worse than this completely inoffensive fingerful of vanilla frosting.

Fiercest drag queen/nightlife personality:

    Pollo Del Mar (San Francisco)

If anyone deserves the incredibly contemporary gay slang term “fiercest,” it is Pollo for sure.

Local hero/community advocate of the year:

    Scott Wiener (San Francisco)

According to our new sister paper SF Weekly, Wiener said this win finally “put to rest the issue of whether the nudity ban was a gay thing.” That was never the issue. But Scott is the mayor of Grindr!

Best local gay news outlet:

    The Bay Area Reporter (San Francisco)

I am so surprised that GLOSS Magazine did not win this!!!

 

Eh, maybe we’re not so surprised by this list after all

Lamebows 2013

0

marke@sfbg.com

POODLES ON PARADE Marriage, the military, nudity bans, Bravo TV: queople, why must we torture ourselves! It’s true that we are everywhere, lurking even in the aeries of stupid-headedness. But queen, please, put down that can of mentally challenged and back slowly away in your new cha-cha heels. Here I am once again to call my people out for their foibles of faggotry with the annual Lamebow Awards. Even in a banner year for LGBT wins, we still clutched a Gucci full of dumb.

The cliches write themselves: My Dearest Scott Wiener, I write this not as someone who disagrees profoundly with your “moderate” politics or your collection of Banana Republic v-neck sweaters. I write this because, this year, a supervisor named Wiener, representing the Castro, got so obsessed with a few naked guys that he rammed through a nudity ban (oh, and a bunch of other awful stuff, too) that made national news. I have to talk to my relatives back East about all this. My great-aunt-in-law almost choked to death on her turkey from laughter. Please stop.

Not helping: Mountain-out-of-molehill blogger Michael Petrelis in turn became obsessed with Wiener’s penis, attempting to snap a pic of the Supes’ member at a City Hall urinal. Not making this up. Nor this: it took too long for Petrelis’ camera from the ’90s to warm up, so he only managed a shot of Wiener brushing his teeth, post-pee. Petrelis is being sued by Wiener.

Seriously not helping though: In August, 28-year-old Floyd Corkins II, a former LGBT center volunteer, attempted to storm the Washington, DC headquarters of the Family Research Council (recently and correctly categorized as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center), shooting a security guard.

You just helped, actually: We never knew we should be boycotting Sodastream products because they are manufactured in illegal Israeli settlements on Palestinian land. But thanks to a widely viewed YouTube video — in which it appears a peaceful Code Pink protest inside Sodastream-carrying Cliff’s Variety in the Castro is violently broken up by hysterically screaming Cliff’s employees — we know! Troll is successful.

The fact is, you’re late: “The fact is, I’m gay,” Anderson Cooper wrote to blogger Andrew Sullivan by way of coming out. Anderson Cooper is the Clay Aiken of our generation.

The fact is you’re veeery late: As her 50th birthday approached, Kristy McNichol came out. “She hopes that coming out can help kids who need support,” said her publicist. There are no kids who know who Kristy McNichol is.

And you’re just trapped in a closet full of spray-on hair forever now: Many, many of John Travolta‘s male masseurs “opened up” about his happy endings. His response? A horrifying Christmas album reunion with Olivia Newton John full of the most awkward sexual metaphors ever. Greased lightning!

Freedom to fly, to fail: Director Lena Wachowski came out beautifully, vocally, and powerfully as a transgender person with deep thoughts about the nature of sexual identity. Too bad Cloud Atlas had me rolling my eyes to the high heavens.

Hide your buns, hide your wings: Reviving his meme career somewhat, Antoine Dodson said she was gonna eat Chik-fil-A anyway. Well-played.

I’m sorry: Castigating Log Cabin Republicans is easier than finding Anderson Cooper on Grindr, but watching them bend over backwards to justify supporting the Tea Party party when even our president had “evolved” on gay marriage was a real hoot. Especially because they had to say “fiscal” so many times.

All of us: While we were all arguing over gay shit (as usual), a young musical genius named Frank Ocean quietly erased the goalposts and went public with his generation’s sublime, amorphous “meh” about sexual labels. Let’s catch up.

 

No headbutting?

0

tredmond@sfbg.com

LIT/FILM The folding travel toothbrush is a central element in every Jack Reacher novel. It’s his only possession, the only thing the wandering ex-military cop takes with him when he throws away his old clothes and buys new ones, the only thing that ties him directly to his old life in the U.S. Army. It’s part of the Reacher formula, one that consistently works through 17 books by Lee Child.

It’s not in the Jack Reacher movie.

That was the first sign that one of the best trash-lit characters to come on the scene since John D. MacDonald invented Travis McGee hasn’t translated so well to the big screen. (McGee never did, either; the only McGee movies ever made were disasters, and MacDonald hated all of them.)

But the esoteric musings of McGee, on everything from Florida real-estate development to the demise of San Francisco, were the charm that held those modest plots together. Child, who has a background in television production, offers more action-packed stories with all the elements that ought to make a great movie.

Like MacDonald, though, Child goes a bit deeper than the traditional trashy thriller writer. His books have themes of violence and redemption, of freedom and responsibility, of wanderlust and homesickness that can’t just be shoehorned into a fast-paced screenplay with Tom Cruise. This may not be Shakespearean literature, but it isn’t Mission Impossible, either.

To make it more challenging, there are long periods of silence in the Reacher book, and those don’t work will in today’s mainstream cinema — but without them, the pacing is all wrong.

I showed up at the movie ready to be let down. The diminutive and emotional Cruise seemed all wrong as the tall, taciturn Reacher; I was hoping for a more Daniel Craig approach. Child, on the other hand, was totally down with the casting, so I was ready to give it a shot. (Or, as the book title from whence this flick emerged put it, One Shot.)

The book is a classic of the Reacher oevre, with a tiny bit of 2007’s Shooter mixed in. There’s a former Army sniper named James Barr (Joseph Sikora) who gets charged with an apparently random killing spree; the evidence is overwhelming, the cops have him nailed, and the execution-mad district attorney tells him if he doesn’t confess, he’s going to get the death penalty.

Barr refuses to talk; he just takes a legal pad and writes “Get Jack Reacher.” Which turns out to be tricky; Reacher has no address, no credit cards, no car, no driver’s license … nothing to pin him down. He’s almost impossible to find.

But he shows up on his own — not to help save Barr but to tell the cops that the guy once murdered a bunch of civilian contractors in Iraq. Reacher had him nailed, but the Army, for political reasons, let the case go. He’s ready to send the guy to the chair, if he doesn’t kill him with his own hands first.

But then the DA’s daughter, Helen Rodin (Rosamund Pike), who is representing Barr, convinces Reacher to take another look, and together they discover a fiendish plot involving an 80-year-old mob capo from the old Soviet Gulag.

Nice movie plot. And the film version doesn’t take too many liberties with the general idea of the book.

But there’s no headbutting, which is Reacher’s trademark fighting technique. And he never has sex with the female protagonist, which is disappointing.

That and the fact that the movie’s about 20 minutes too long — and the car chase scene alone is about five minutes too long (and car chases are not part of the Reacher mix) and there’s an embarassing scene where Cruise takes his shirt off just so we can see him with his shirt off left me wondering: did Lee Child really sign off on this screenplay?

So that’s the bad news. The good news is that the film is entertaining, Cruise does the best he can under the circumstances, and he delivers the key lines nicely. Pike does a fine job of being sexy without being movie-star beautiful. The fight scenes are lively and fun and not too overdone.

And Werner Herzog is just spectacular as the evil Zec, a man so tough that he chewed his fingers off in prison to avoid getting gangrene. Watching Herzog sneer and be scary, horrible, and fascinating at the same time is worth the price of admission.

No nudity. Five people beaten near death. Three cops cars destroyed. Sniper porn. Fight to the death in the pouring rain. Not a great tribute to a great character, but I’ll take it. *

JACK REACHER is now playing in Bay Area theaters.

White men behaving (very) badly

69

Could it be — the worst year ever?

I keep asking. And every time the Offies come around, I find myself boggled yet again. Our awards for the very worst — the dumbest, the most tasteless, the most truly offensive acts of the year past — keep sinking lower and lower.

But what can we do? There are still Republicans, and this year a lot of them ran for high office, and every single one made a fool of himself. There are still politicians who think you can run for San Francisco supervisor even if you live in Walnut Creek, and elected leaders who find the courage deep in themselves to prevent a bunch of old men from walking around with their sagging asses and limp dicks out.

There are still entertainers who punch psychics, and gun nuts who blame mass murder on TV sex, and … well, a whole lot of people who have made this a banner year for the Offies.

 

SUPPORT OUR BRAVE, HEROIC TROOPS! (EXCEPT THE MEN WHO FUCK MEN)

The audience at a Republican presidential primary debate booed a gay solider who called in from Iraq with a question about don’t ask, don’t tell.

 

FROM A GUY WHO HAD TO BUY OXYCONTINS AND VIAGRA ON THE STREET, THIS SORT OF THING IS AN OBVIOUS CONCERN

Rush Limbaugh attacked law student Sandra Fluke, calling her a “slut” and a “prostitute” because she testified that health-care plans should cover contraceptives.

 

THERE ARE MEN SO BRILLIANT THAT WE STAND IN AWE OF THEIR INTELLECT

Mitt Romney said he really liked Michigan because the trees were all the right height.

 

GIVING NEW MEANING TO THE 1 PERCENT

Herman Cain proclaimed that for every woman who claimed he sexually harassed her, there were a thousand others who didn’t.

 

IF WE WANTED A DRESS CODE ON AIRLINES, WE’D START WITH THOSE DREARY PILOT UNIFORMS

An American Airlines pilot kicked a woman off a flight for wearing a shirt that said “if I wanted the government in my womb I’d fuck a senator.”

 

PROBLEM IS, BUSH MADE THAT ONE A CABINET-LEVEL POSITION

Rick Perry proclaimed in a debate that he was going to do away with three agencies of the federal government, but after listing Commerce and Education, he couldn’t remember what the third one was, identifying it only as “oops.”

 

FOR SOMEONE WHOSE NAME MEANS ASS-CUM JUICE, THAT’S A REALLY PRETTY PICTURE

Rick Santorum said that he’d listened to John F. Kennedy’s speech on the separation of church and state and it made him want to throw up.

 

LOOK! UP AT THE RAMPARTS! THE MAN WITH THE HAIR!

Donald Trump, mistakenly believing Romney won the popular vote but lost the election, called the election “a sham and travesty” and called for “revolution.”

 

BUT HE COULD HELP THEM OUT WITH A FEW BINDERS FULL OF WOMEN

Romney insulted the British by saying the nation didn’t appear ready to host the Olympics.

 

FINE, JUST TAKE RICK PERRY WITH YOU

More than 50 thousand people signed a White House petition asking for permission for Texas to secede.

 

GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, ATHEISM AND OVERSTIMULATED GLANDS DO. HAPPY FRIDAY, SHOOTERS!

On the same day that a gunman opened fire at a showing of the Dark Knight movie in Colorado, the National Rifle Association’s magazine sent out a tweet that read: “Good morning, shooters! Happy Friday.”

A Congressman from Texas, Louie Gohmert, argued that the Dark Knight shootings happened because of “ongoing attacks on Judeo-Christian beliefs.”

Mike Huckabee blamed the massacre in Newtown, CT on atheism. “We ask why there is violence in our schools, but we have systematically removed God from our schools,” Huckabee said on Fox News. “Should we be so surprised that schools would become a place of carnage?”

Timothy Bordnow at Tea Party nation said the shooting was caused by too much sexual stimulation in the media . “There is a reason why young people commit these sorts of crimes, and sex plays no small part. Their passions are eternally inflamed, and they wander the Earth with no outlet for their overstimulated glands.”

Megan McArdle, the Daily Beast writer, urged the victims of mass shootings to gang-rush the shooter so he wouldn’t kill as many people.

The head of the National Rifle Association said the only way to stop mass murders of school children is to post armed guards in every school.

 

WOW — THE DISTRICT 8 SUPERVISOR HAS BEEN OVERWHELMED BY A COUPLE OF OLD MEN’S FLACCID DICKS

Sup. Scott Wiener promoted a ban on public nudity in San Francisco.

 

WHEN YOU’RE A MAJOR LOSER, EVEN MONEY CAN’T BUY YOU LOVE

Michael Breyer, who has never been elected to anything, spent roughly $1 million trying to win a state Assembly seat as the candidate of “traditional San Francisco values,” and lost badly.

 

AND THESE PEOPLE ARE COOPERATING WITH HOMELAND SECURITY?

Confetti thrown in the Giants parade turned out to be lightly shredded internal police documents that included home addresses and social security numbers of officers.

 

GUESS IT’S OKAY TO PERJURE YOURSELF IF YOU’RE THE MAYOR

Mayor Ed Lee testified under oath that he’d never discussed the Ross Mirkarimi case with members of the board of Supervisors, although friends of Sup. Christina Olague said she’d been open about her talks with the mayor on the topic.

 

NOW, WHICH ONES ARE THE IRON MONSTERS OF DEATH?

A San Francisco bicyclist who was allegedly trying to beat a speed record crashed into and killed a 71-year-old man in the Castro.

 

UNFORTUNATELY, THERE’S NO MALPRACTICE STATUTE GOVERNING THAT AUGUST PROFESSION

Political consultant Enrique Pearce oversaw perhaps the worst district election campaign in history, helping Olague become the first incumbent ever to lose in ranked-choice voting in SF.

 

SOMEHOW, REPRESENTING WALNUT CREEK AT CITY HALL DIDN’T SEEM LIKE SUCH A GOOD IDEA

Union official Leon Chow dropped his challenge to Sup. John Avalos when the SF Appeal revealed that he didn’t live in District 11, or even in San Francisco.

 

 

WHEN MEN ARE JUST TOTAL DICKS: THE GOP REDEFINES RAPE

1. Divine providence rape (Rick Santorum): “The right approach is to accept this horribly created .. gift of life, accept what God is giving to you.”

2. Honest Rape (Ron Paul): “If it was an honest rape, that individual should go immediately to the emergency room.”

3. Forcible Rape (Paul Ryan): Federal law should prevent abortion except in the case of “forcible rape.”

4. Emergency Rape (Linda McMahon): “It was really an issue about a Catholic Church being forced to issue those pills if a person came in with an emergency rape.”

5. Legitimate Rape: (Todd Akin): “If it was a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

 

CALL IT BIEBER RAGE; IT’S DANGEROUS SHIT

After a Justin Bieber concert, Lindsay Lohan punched a psychic in the face at a New York nightclub, then threw her personal assistant out of the car.

 

YEP, AND IT DOESN’T LOOK ANY BETTER THE SECOND TIME

Romney’s campaign manager said that his candidate would change his right-wing positions for the fall campaign: “It’s almost like an Etch-A-Sketch. You can kind of shake it up and we start all over again.”

 

AND IF HE GOES WITH THEM, IT WILL ALL BE WORTH WHILE

Newt Gingrich proposed sending 13,000 Americans to the Moon and creating a new state there.

 

AND WE ALL WONDER WHY THE MEDIA IS DOING SO SMASHINGLY WELL THESE DAYS

After Gabby Douglas became the first black woman to win the Olympic gold medal in all-around gymnastics, the news media reported on problems with her hair.

 

AND YOUR VIEW OF THE WORLD IS OVER, OVER, OVER, OVER

Justice Antonin Scalia, in defending his argument that sodomy is legally equivalent to murder, told law students at Princeton that the Constitution is not a living document, it’s “dead, dead, dead, dead.”

 

MAKES YOU WONDER ABOUT THE POOR SOUL WHO CAME IN AT 99

Kim Kardashian fell 90 places, to 98, on AskMen Magazine’s list of the worlds 100 most desirable women.

 

SADLY, “GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL” DOESN’T MAKE SUCH A GREAT CAMPAIGN SLOGAN

Herman Cain said his life’s philosophy came from a Pokemon song.

 

WE’RE GLAD THAT HIS FAITH HAS GIVEN HIM SUCH AN UPLIFTING ATTITUDE

Romney said he’s “not concerned about the very poor.”

 

HE WAS PROBABLY SHITFACED, TOO, BUT SINCE HE DOESN’T DRINK HE CAN’T REMEMBER THAT EITHER

Romney said he didn’t remember beating up a gay student at his prep school and cutting off his long hair.

 

IT’S A GOOD THING MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL ISN’T LOOKING FOR ANOTHER JOHN MADDEN

A full 78 percent of Americans thought Ryan Seacrest was doing a good job broadcasting from the Olympics, although most of them couldn’t figure out what he was actually doing.

 

HE ALSO TOLD US THAT TAX CUTS AND DEREGULATION WOULD IMPROVE THE ECONOMY, SO HE’S GOT A WINNING RECORD HERE

Karl Rove on election night kept insisting the Romney still had a chance to win.

 

TALK ABOUT A BLOWN COVER

David Petraus resigned as CIA director after an affair with a woman who was threatening another woman who might have had a thing for him.

 

TOO BAD — HE MIGHT HAVE HAD TO SEEK ASYLUM IN THE NEW REPUBLIC OF TEXAS

A petition to allow every American to punch Grover Norquist in the dick was removed from the White House website.

 

WE’RE WITH THE GOVERNMENT OF BELIZE; THIS MAN IS “BONKERS”

One-time software mogul John McAfee fled Belize claiming the cops would persecute him after he was sought for questioning in the shooting death of his neighbor — using a body double, faking a heart attack, pretending he was crazy, and winding up in Miami.

 

IT SUCKS TO BE STINKING RICH AND OWN FOUR HOUSES AND HAVE TO LIVE WITH REJECTION

Ann Romney was deeply depressed that her husband didn’t win the election, telling friends she though it was their fate to move into the White House.

 

AND WHEN ASKED IF SOMEONE THAT MORONIC COULD ACTUALLY RUN FOR PRESIDENT, HE SAID “I’M A REPUBLICAN, MAN”

Marco Rubio, when asked about the age of the Earth, said “I’m not a scientist, man.”

 

EASY — THE ONES WHO ARE GETTING PAID ARE THE ONES PRETENDING TO BE INTERESTED IN NASTY OLD FRENCHMEN

After Dominique Strauss-Kahn was held overnight in Lille to be questioned about possible connections between a prostitution ring and orgies he attended in Paris and Washington, his lawyer said: “I challenge you to distinguish a naked prostitute from any other woman.”

 

DUDE — THAT’S THE TERRITORY OF SERIOUS LOSERS

Vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan lied about his time in the marathon.

 

GO AHEAD, CLINT — MAKE OUR DAY

Surprise guest speaker Clint Eastwood addressed GOP convention delegates for 12 minutes, during which he carried on an imagined dialogue with an empty chair he identified as President Obama.

 

AND YES, HE DID GET A FAIR AMOUNT OF THE STUPIDITY VOTE

Santorum told a gathering of conservatives in Washington, “We will never have the elite, smart people on our side.”

Meet your weiner: Sammy Davis reps the Bay in national dachshund races

5

December 27th, friends. That is the day that Sammy Davis competes for our honor. Davis is a weiner dog, winner of this year’s regional Wienerschnitzel Wiener Nationals (which took place during half-time of a Warriors game on November 24th, in case you missed it.) We scored an interview with his owner Sabrina Seiden, who along with partner Patrick Major is currently rubbing Davis’ tiny shoulders in preparation for December 27th’s Holiday Bowl in San Diego, where their pup — the 2007 national champ, fancy! — will expend every drop of energy in his wirey little body in pursuit of bringing home the top honor for the Bay. 

San Francisco Bay Guardian: What kind of wiener is Sammy Davis? How did you know he was a winner?

Sabrina Seiden: Sammy Davis is a Double Dapple black and tan Tweenie. Tweenie means he is in between a standard and mini size. We knew he was a winner when we picked him because of his determination and alpha personality.

SFBG: How did you guys prepare for the race? Give me your game day routine.

SS: Certain secrets cannot be revealed, but we’re willing to let you in on a few tips. To train for the Wienerschnitzel Wiener Nationals, Patrick does a series of conditioning activities with Sammy Davis, which includes practicing running out of his kennel using his favorite squeaky ball as bait. The week of the race, we stop training to build up his energy and eagerness to see his toy ball again. On game day we make sure he eats two hours before the race and we have motivational talks with Sammy Davis to get him pumped up. As soon as we dress him in his Wienerschnitzel Wiener Nationals race vest he’s ready to go!

SFBG: Narrate the race itself for us.

SS: I hold Sammy Davis while Patrick waits at the finish line with the squeaky ball. Now remember, it’s been a week since Sammy Davis has seen his favorite toy so he’s more than eager to dash down the race track. During the qualifying heat, Sammy Davis was really squirmy and focused on Patrick and his ball. I could barely hold him and thought he would jump out of my arms. When I placed him in the Wienerschnitzel Wiener National starting gates, he was determined to get to his ball once again. I leaned down and told him “go, go, go!” and he shot out and won his heat. Patrick noticed that the other dogs hadn’t even left the box and Sammy Davis was already three quarters of the way down the track.

Winning form: Sammy Davis on his November 30th gameday

During the final race we were both worried he wouldn’t run because it was so loud in the stadium, and he was shaking. Sammy Davis doesn’t like loud noises and tends to want to run and hide. We gave him our pep talk to keep him focused. I put him in the Wienerschnitzel starting gates earlier than usual to make him feel more secure and help settle his nerves. When Patrick watched him down at the other end of the track Sammy Davis had a determined look, which gave Patrick reassurance that he was going to be the champion!

Now it’s times to train for the Wienerschnitzel Wiener National Finals in San Diego! This is Sammy Davis’ second trip to Southern California. Warm weather and the $1,000 grand prize will be the perfect way to ring in the New Year.

SFBG: Where does Sammy hope to go with his career? What does success look like for him?

SS: Success to Sammy Davis is making people happy. Sammy Davis is an example of how dogs can help their owners overcome tough times with the comfort of their unconditional love. Patrick was sick for a long time and Sammy Davis’ companionship was key to his recovery. Sammy Davis and Patrick are a winning team on and off the Wienerschnitzel race tracks.

Patrick Major and Sabrina Seiden (right) with a boatload of cash and their intrepid canine Sammy Davis

SFBG: Does Sammy Davis eat wieners?

SS: Sammy Davis is on a strict dog food-only diet, but he does love to steal bagels with cream cheese when he can.

SFBG: What does he think of Scott Weiner’s recent nudity ban?

SS: We’re so proud of Sammy Davis’ accomplishments at the Wienerschnitzel Wiener Nationals and think a little exposure of our winning wiener doesn’t hurt anybody.