SEX + MUSIC Today’s handheld phones are some well-endowed pieces of equipment. These high-functioning machines can do nearly anything we’ve been programmed to desire: hitch a ride with a stranger, order extra extra-cheese pizzas, share bleached-out selfies. But they still can’t quite have sex with us, even with the vibrate set to high and Siri in overdrive. As hard as this city may be for its tech, all Web rats know that the human touch is the endgame. Thankfully, your phone is stoked to play wingman. Hey technology — it’s time to get laid!
Just like top 40 radio, navigating the flashy, overwhelming, often cookie-cutter online hookup and sex app options to find what actually turns you on can be a major turn off. Wanna get some in the 20 minutes before work? Shoot snaps of your snatch to an ex-boyfriend? Or maybe you just need an ego boost to seal the deal? Whatever your privates desire, there’s a thrusting Lil’ Wayne-style app ready to throw down, flanked by a disappointing John Mayer-pallid dating site and an intense, Nicki Minaj-goofy kama sutra tutorial.
What the hell, here’s a little rundown comparing top sex apps to today’s pop stars.
TINDER = JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE
A quick swipe to the left and a little shuffle to the right — the step-touch looks good on everyone. Bopping around to J-Tinder always feels good, just like some old-fashioned mutual attraction with a “take back the night” twist. Sure it’s a little confusing whether or not this app is for hooking up or dating, but it’s much more stimulating than OK Cupid. And blurred expectations can be foreplay, right? (Oh wait, that’s Robin Thicke.) Be suave like JT, though, and save the first-date dessert for bedtime.
SNAPCHAT = MILEY CYRUS
All the teens are doing it, so why shouldn’t horny adults? It’s your house, your rules, and your sleazy snap — send the shit out of those tits or expertly time your climax, then watch it all fade away within 10 seconds or less, a virtual wrecking ball. Doesn’t matter how gratuitous or embarrassing, it’s through and so are you. And soon no one will even remember what all the fuss was about.
GRINDR = RIHANNA
Six and a half million dudes in 192 countries subscribe to Grindr. There are that many countries! Also, that’s almost the number of tweets from Rihanna in the past half-hour. The Barbadian babe always says what she feels, takes what she wants, then coldly lets ’em drop: you can, too, if you’re a mainstream-y gay man into quick hit and runs. (Or just prefer your social media sites a lot more shirtless.) Cut through the small talk, forget the bullshit, and eat your cake, cake, cake, cake.
BLENDR = MAROON 5
Aunt Lilly likes that one song about the nice girl, and you heard that other irritating hit from the ointment aisle in Walgreens. Unfortunately, Maroon 5’s pop creeps in and has you sheepishly humming for days. Stay away from the knives! It’s just a form of pleasant insanity, and will wear off after a couple days (and Sepultura records). Grindr’s friendlier, all-inclusive (i.e. straight) sibling Blendr is more fun than chasing ass on Facebook and perfectly harmless — but you’re gonna have to work to get anything exciting out of it.
HAPPYPLAYTIME = P!NK
P!nk’s girl-power parade can feel a little immature at times, but then she growls and spits and counteracts the pop princess stance with a truly empowering twist. HappyPlayTime makes masturbation a game for women who might be a little shy about self-pleasure. Dig in, rub hard, and get yourself off, girl — twice. No apologies!
SPREADSHEETS = KAYNE WEST
Need constant ego-stroking? Spreadsheets will be the creeper in the room that tracks the volume of your moans, the speed of your pumps, and the length of your romp, all in the name of evaluating your talent in the sack. Forget making love or babies (or romance) — make data with bragging rights.
KAHNOODLE = TAYLOR SWIFT
Beneath that frail bone structure, peppy grin, wholesome image, and translucent skin lies a vast and unsettling disappointment, waiting to pounce and smother the world of light. Kahnoodle is an app for “commitment couples”, i.e. partners that are energetically bored, not-so-secretly sad, and scandalously imagination-deprived. Send push notifications to initiate sexy time, fill each other’s “love banks,” and earn “Koupons” that entitle the bearer to redeem weekend movie nights, budget candle-lit dinners, and much-needed oral. Because nothing says romantic like “the phone told me to.” Kute.