To The Valiant That Served

Let’s take a moment out of our day to salute the men and women that gave all in defense of our homeland. Memorial Day’s purpose is just that (although its actual origins may surprise you).

For me, the people that had it the hardest were those who, after agonizing reflection, realized that their war effiorts were best served by not serving at all. Like:

Richard Bruce Cheney–VP–he got five student deferments until successfully impregnating his bride. Would have been more than willing to slog through Vietnam’s jungles, but said “I have other priorities”.

Willard “Mitt” Romney–sat out Vietnam War and opted for the brutal battle along the Seine in Paris. As Paris itself had been at peace (minus demonstrations) for over 20 years at the time, his religious mission must have been a lot more satisfying than getting his magical underpants ventilated by VC landmines.

Theodore Nugent–The Motormouth City Madman decided it would be wiser to remain in Michigan rather than the Mekong Delta and spent a week or so shitting himself to stay out of draft. Also used student deferments and has of late raised the “I was making too much money as a musician at the time to waste my prime years”. Now that’s patriotism.

George W. Bush/Dan Quayle: America’s shores protected by these national guardsmen in “champagne units”, that is the scions of the powerful keeping themselves bulletproof via nepotism. The former found his time in the NatGuard too trying and appears to have disappeared in his last year there. Playing cards in Alabama being mentally and physically exhausting and all.

Ronald Reagan: Single handedly won the “Battle Of Culver City” in WW2. And believed and spoke of his war adventures as if they weren’t on film but real. And this is an icon.

Lest you think I am picking on the chickenhawk crew that cheerleads slaughters they have no intention of being a part of, let’s take time out to thank some really brave politicians named Hillary, John Edwards and John Kerry, whose votes on Iraq made solely with presidential ambition in mind led to the worst debacle in American history. And to Obama’s presidency. 

Last but not least, a salute to the fearless Internet Infantry who brave thumb sprains and carpal tunnel to valiantly back America’s war efforts from the dingey bunker known as “mom’s basement”. You will never be forgotten, assuming anyone remembers you in the first place.

Happy holidays and drive safe!