Dear gay hookup app Grindr,
Maybe it’s just an indication of the type of homosexual who uses your service, and who deigns to participate in surveys like your new “Best of 2012” attempt to broaden your reach into hyperlocalism (soooo 2k9, btw). Or maybe its merely very telling of how you’ve lost any edginess to rivals like Scruff — which, judging from a Scruff glance, is very sad indeed.
But thanks for the violent retch and terrified giggle yesterday when you unveiled the reader-selected wieners winners of your besties awards. You somehow managed to record every crap gay mainstream stereotype of San Francisco you could, sorry. Also, craaaazy. Scott Wiener as “best community advocate”? Is Pottery Barn a community?
Anyway, San Francisco itself won every local category of the national survey. Also telling! What uncruisable gym queen with expensive hair is sitting in Badlands right now, possibly Scott Wiener’s best friend, refreshing Grindr and voting wildly? Can someone call their alcoholic Rihanna fan roommate in embroidered jeans and wraparound Gucci shades and find out?
Below is the list of top vote-getters, with commentary.
National winners
Gay icon of the year: Anderson Cooper
Straight ally of the year: Barack Obama
Best TV show: “Modern Family”
Best TV host: Ellen DeGeneres
Best source for gossip: TMZ
TIE for best comedian: Kathy Griffin and Margaret Cho
Best athlete: Orlando Cruz
Movie of the year: “Magic Mike”
Song of the year: “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen
Gadget of the year: iPhone 5
Every one of these things is the exact color of water, but somehow boringer.
Grindr users picked these local landmarks to come out on top:
Gym with the hottest guys:
Fitness SF (San Francisco)
It’s not the winner per se that horrifies — FitnessSF came into being when it cast off the shackles of its homophobic Gold’s Gym franchise early last year. It’s the category itself. Claim that shallowness!
Best place to get a haircut:
Salon Baobao (San Francisco)
Waxing available!
Best place to take a first date:
Castro (San Francisco)
… to steal their wallet and leave them there.
Best Sunday funday:
Jock Sundays at the Lookout (San Francisco)
Cute but meh.
Favorite gay bar/club:
Badlands (San Francisco)
Fuck noooooo.
Favorite bartender:
Mike at Lookout (San Francisco)
If they mean our cute and dear friend Michael — we wholeheartedly agree with Grindr on this point. He’s a great argument for why you should just stick to bars for your pickups, maybe.
Best gay night/party:
Beatbox (San Francisco)
This is neither a night nor a party.
Best DJ:
Haute Toddy (San Francisco)
OK they could have done a lot worse than this completely inoffensive fingerful of vanilla frosting.
Fiercest drag queen/nightlife personality:
Pollo Del Mar (San Francisco)
If anyone deserves the incredibly contemporary gay slang term “fiercest,” it is Pollo for sure.
Local hero/community advocate of the year:
Scott Wiener (San Francisco)
According to our new sister paper SF Weekly, Wiener said this win finally “put to rest the issue of whether the nudity ban was a gay thing.” That was never the issue. But Scott is the mayor of Grindr!
Best local gay news outlet:
The Bay Area Reporter (San Francisco)
I am so surprised that GLOSS Magazine did not win this!!!
Eh, maybe we’re not so surprised by this list after all