It was the year of the Rapture (oh, wait, maybe not), the year of the great Republican resurgence (oh wait, maybe not), the year of Anthony Weiner’s penis and Gerard Depardeiu’s piss, the year of the Kardashians and Charlie Sheen … and the Offies in-basket overflows. Here are our favorite choice moments of 2011.
ACTUALLY, HIS THUMBS ON THE PHONE WERE THE ONES DOING DAMAGE
Anthony Weiner, in a sexting conversation with a middle-aged Nevada Democratic volunteer, described his penis as “ready to do some damage.”
AT LEAST SOMEBODY’S DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THE UNEMPLOYMENT RATE
Hustler publisher Larry Flynt offered Weiner a job
GOOD THING EXPERTISE IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE HAS NEVER BEEN A PREREQUISITE OF THE JOB
Presidential candidate Herman Cain, in an interview, said he didn’t know the name of the president of Uzbekistan, which he called UBEKE BEKI KEIE BAH BAH STAND O BAN STAN SO WHAT WHAT?
CERTAINLY NOT THE KIND OF FOOD FOR A MIGHTY MAN WHO SEXUALLY HARASSES HIS SUBORDINATES
Cain said that too many vegetable toppings make a “sissy pizza.”
BECAUSE AN ELECTRIFIED CARTOON MOUSE IS AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL
Cain blamed “elites” for derailing his campaign, then quoted from the Pokemon theme song.
NICE TO SEE HERMAN CAIN HAS COMPANY IN THE DEPARTMENT OF QUALITY POLITICAL CANDIDATES
Joe the Plumber announced he would run for Congress
COULD IT BE — THE STUPIDEST REPUBLICAN CANDIDATE EVER?
Rick Perry couldn’t remember which federal agencies he wanted to shut down.
EXCEPT THAT THE ALMIGHTY HASN’T BEEN ABLE TO TELL US WHICH DEPARTMENTS HE WOULD CUT, EITHER
Michelle Bachman said that the East Coast earthquake and hurricane were signs that God thought the country was spending too much money on government services.
IT APPEARS THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT CAN’T GET ITS STORIES STRAIGHT
Rush Limbaugh said that the power of Hurricane Irene, which caused 53 deaths and $15 billion in property damage, was blown out of proportion to promote “the leftist agenda.”
HMMM… SINCE HERS MAKES A BUSINESS OF “CONVERTING” GAY PEOPLE, WE HAVE TO WONDER WHAT HE TELLS HER TO DO
Bachman said wives should be obedient to their husbands
BUT HEY — THOSE GUYS ALL LOOK ALIKE
Bachman praised Waterloo, Iowa as the home of John Wayne, when it’s actually the home of serial killer John Wayne Gacy
AN EXCEPTIONAL NEW INTERPRETATION OF THE INTELLECTUAL ROOTS OF THE SECOND AMENDMENT
Sarah Palin insisted that Paul Revere “warned the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells.”
UM, RICK, THE SCHOOLS ARE CLOSED ON CHRISTMAS
A Rick Perry campaign ad said that “something’s wrong with America” because “gays can serve openly in the military but our kids can’t openly celebrate Christmas or pray in school.”
DAMN — THAT MEANS HE REALLY IS A DUMB AS HE LOOKS
Perry insisted he wasn’t drunk when he delivered a rambling speech in New Hampshire
OR MAYBE A LITTLE LIKE FINDING OUT THAT SHE WAS JUST USING YOU ALL ALONG
Sup. David Chiu said meeting Mayor Lee — who he helped put in office — after he broke his promise not to run was “a little like meeting an ex-girlfriend after a breakup.”
AND TALK ABOUT BEING USED
Ed Lee said he didn’t want to run for mayor, but he had trouble saying no to Rose Pak and Willie Brown
IT DOESN’T MATTER — AS THE GREAT RONALD REAGAN ONCE SAID, “FACTS ARE STUPID THINGS.”
Sen. John Kyle announced that 90 percent of Planned Parenthood’s business was abortions, and when it turned out he was wrong by a factor of 30, he said his allegation “wasn’t meant to be factual.”
THE U.S. HAS DEPOSED PEOPLE FOR LESS THAN THAT. OH, WAIT …
Moammar Gadafi said his political opponents were on LSD and kept a stash of photos of Condoleeza Rice.
OH WELL, YOU KNOW HOW GOD IS; HE FLAKES OUT ON DATES ALL THE TIME
Oakland radio minister Harold Camping announced that the end of the world would come Oct. 21.
TOO BAD THAT WILL ONLY COVER THE FIRST SESSION OF THE POOR KID’S THERAPY
A woman who created a media frenzy when she said that she had given her young daughter botox admitted she made the story up so a tabloid would pay her $200.
WHEREAS, OBAMA HAS NEVER DEMANDED THAT TRUMP SHOW HIS REAL HAIR
Donald Trump demanded that Barack Obama show his birth certificate.
IF THE JAPANESE WOULD ONLY CUT GOVERNMENT SPENDING SOME MORE, THIS SORT OF THING WOULDN’T HAPPEN
Rush Limbaugh made fun of Japanese people after the earthquake and tsunami, saying “where Gaia blew up is right where they make all these electric cars.”
THE SCHOOL’S ESTEEMED NAMESAKE, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAD 27 WIVES, SOME AS YOUNG AS 15, AND AT LEAST 64 CHILDREN, SO HE WOULD NEVER HAVE APPROVED OF SUCH A THING
Brigham Young University suspended basketball star Brandon Davies because he sex with his girlfriend.
IT’S AWFUL, THE SACRIFICES OUR POLITICAL LEADERS HAVE TO MAKE IN THE NAME OF THE COUNTRY
Newt Gingrich told the Christian Broadcasting Network that he’d cheated on his wife because he loved America so much.
ON THE OTHER HAND, IF YOU WEREN’T SO FULL OF SHIT THE PLUMBING MIGHT FUNCTION A BIT BETTER
Sen. Rand Paul complained to an energy department official that he didn’t like appliance efficiency standards because “we have to flush the toilet 10 times before it works.”
NATURALLY — CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS. SORT OF LIKE MARITAL FIDELITY
Gingrich told Occupy protesters to take a bath.
WHAT — HE DOESN’T CONSIDER HIMSELF A “FROTHY MIX OF FECAL MATTER AND LUBE THAT IS SOMETIMES THE BYPRODUCT OF ANAL SEX?”
Former Senator and presidential candidate Rick Santorum complained about what turns up when you put his name in a Google search.
AND NEXT, WE’LL REDEFINE “POOR” AND ELIMINATE FOOD STAMPS
House Republicans tried to redefine “rape” to eliminate funding for abortions
OH WELL, THERE GOES THE SEASON
Stanford University stopped giving student athletes special lists of easy classes
DONALD — YOU’RE FIRED
Donald Trump tried to host a presidential debate but gave up when nobody wanted to be there.
THIS FROM A MAN WITH “INVENTED” INTEGRITY
Gingrich called the Palestinians an “invented” people.
GOOD THING ABOUT THE CRACK — THAT SHIT FUCKS UP YOUR BRAIN
Charlie Sheen opened his Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour in Detroit, where he burned a Two and A Half Men T-shirt, told the crowd that he was “finally here to identify and train the Vatican assassin locked inside each and every one of you,” demanded “freedom from monkey-eyed&ldots;sweat-eating whores,” and said he doesn’t do crack anymore.
AT LEAST HE’S GOT ONE THING GOING FOR HIM: HE JOGS WITH A GUN AND SO FAR HASN’T SHOT HIS OWN BALLS OFF
Rick Perry told the Associated Press that he shot a coyote that had threatened him on his morning jog.
KILL ‘EM ALL AND LET GOD SORT ‘EM OUT
The crowd at a Republican debate cheered after moderator Brian Williams noted that Rick Perry had overseen 234 executions.
ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT IN THE ANNALS OF LAW ENFORCEMENT
A Davis police officer pepper sprayed a group of peaceful protesters who were sitting on the ground.
SINCE THERE’S NO NEWS IN THE WORLD OF THE 1 PERCENT
The New York Post investigated sex at Occupy Wall Street
GOOD THING IT DIDN’T WORK — THE WATER FROM HEAVEN WOULD HAVE MADE THE BUNS ALL SOGGY
Perry held a religious rally to pray for rain at Reliant Stadium in Houston, and urged people to fast, although the concession stands sold hot dogs.
BUT WAIT — IF WE SHUT DOWN THE GOVERNMENT, AREN’T WE … OH, NEVER MIND
Michelle Bachman said she opposes same-sex marriage because “the family is the fundamental unit of the government.”
THE FACT THAT WE’RE EVEN WRITING ABOUT A TEENAGER WHO CALLS HER TITS “SNOWBALLS” IS A SIGN OF THE END OF CIVILIZATION
Child bride Courtney Stodden was kicked out of a pumpkin patch for dressing in daisy dukes and making out with her 53-year old husband, Doug Hutchinson, and she madly tweets things like “Squeezing my snowballs inside of a seasonal sexy little lingerie as I begin to swing around the Christmas tree to hot rock ‘n roll hits!”
IT SELLS, BABY, IT’S SELLS
Kim Kardashian made $12 million for doing essentially nothing.
A NEW DEFINITION OF TERROR: WATCHING A 63-YEAR-OLD MAN WHIP OUT HIS DICK
Gerard Depardieu pissed on the floor of an Air France jet after flight attendants told him he’d have to wait to use the bathroom.
WE’RE GOING TO TAKE A BUNCH OF STEROIDS AND THEN LIE ABOUT IT AND MAYBE WE CAN SPEND A MONTH THERE, TOO
The U.S. Justice Department spent millions of dollars and eight years to convince a judge to sentence Barry Bonds to spend a month at his Beverly Hills estate.