I’ve been to some militant burlesque shows, but Saturday night’s was probably one of the most radical. Lucky 13 was packed from the bar to the retro popcorn popper, temperatures were rising as high as the wooden balconies above us and onstage a diminutive man and his hound refused to be parted in the eyes of the law. “No more breed-specific legislation!” the speaker thundered. It was the burlesque community’s benefit for Pinups for Pitbulls and Chako, splendidly named the Valentine’s Day Pitty Party, and tonight it was all about the pitbulls. And naked women. But mostly pitbulls.
Power to the pitbulls! Pitbulls at the door, pitbulls patiently attending their owners’ smoke breaks, pitbulls by the merch table. There is nothing more satisfying than petting a barrel-headed canine whilst you wait for retro-ready striptease. The short guy was Shorty Rossi, who has a show on Animal Planet about his pitbull rescue group, the season highlight trailer of which makes him look like a more benevolent and sharper dressed Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Rossi was fresh off of a protest in Denver against the city’s ban on pitbulls within city limits. He had his pit Hercules up there on stage with him, who also appears on the show, occasionally combating pitbull racism from Hollywood casting directors. Herc’s even got his own IMDb page, for chrissakes.
And the naked ladies! These were pro tassel-twirlers, a little un-used to Lucky 13’s lack-thereof-of a raised stage platform, but made do with the newfound intimacy the venue afforded with the heaving masses that had come to see them lip sync, dance, in some cases sing for real. There was that and the shitty sound system, which kept cutting out and leaving the performers to really, really earn those doggies a home. But honestly no one stopped dancing, there was enough to look at to keep the crowds appeased, and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves besides the bitchy girls that were standing behind me commenting on how saggy everyone’s boobs were. Note to those girls: no one’s boobs were saggy, and if you’ve got something better to why don’t you hop up onstage and get to it?
My personal favorites were the Jellyfish Burlesque sword-fighters from Sebastopol and the blonde-beautiful Honey Penny, whose hair and general turned-out demeanor I would be lucky to recreate given a personal makeup artist, a Dollhouse Bettie residency, and a gift certificate for etiquette classes (do they do those anymore?). Honey Lawless turned in a great, tired businesswoman-into-harlot routine as well.
And I learned about pit bulls. BSL no, I say! And my boyfriend now thinks I have the power to create Valentine’s Day events tailored specifically to his needs and wants (they were serving, besides boobs and dog-petting time, special drafts from Ninkasi and Speakeasy). If you have a similarly-minded sweetheart on this black, heart-shaped rainstorm of a day, you might take them to Hubba Hubba’s weekly gig at the Uptown in Oakland tonight, although there will be no puppies, there will be plenty of excuses to “celebrate” a holiday that we all, ostensibly, think is for the dogs.
Hubba Hubba Revue
Mon/14 10:15 p.m., $5
The Uptown
1928 Telegraph, Oakl.