When a major conservative political movement starts using a name that typically refers to the act of scrotal fellatio, you know it’s morning again in America. In 2010, the teabaggers came home. They nominated candidates who think masturbation is selfish and wonder why monkeys aren’t still evolving into humans. They held rallies urging the government to “get out of my Medicare,” which happens to be a government program. Their leaders praised dictators and urged women who had been raped to look at the bright side of things.
And those were just the headlines.
It’s hard to imagine a year that could be worse than 2010 — but it was a great vintage for the Offies.
Presenting the Off Guard awards for the silliest, most insane, and absolute worst of the year that was.
AND SHE FIGURES IF WE ARREST EVERYONE WITH BROWN SKIN, WE CAN FINALLY GET THIS SORT OF BEHAVIOR UNDER CONTROL
Arizona Governor Jan Brewer told reporters that illegal immigration resulted in beheadings in the desert.
BUT AS LONG AS YOU DON’T TOUCH YOURSELF WHEN YOU THINK OF THE DEVIL, IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY
Christine O’Donnell, the Republican candidate for Senate in Delaware who decried masturbation as a “selfish act,” said she only dabbled in witchcraft and had just one date on a satanic altar.
EXCEPT THAT WE ALREADY ARE, AND WE ALREADY ARE
Jerry Brown said he opposed the state’s marijuana legalization measure because “we can’t compete with China if we’re all stoned.”
A Pew Research Center poll showed that 41 percent of Americans think Jesus will return in the next 40 years.
HEY, IF WE’D JUST CREATED THE WORST ENVIRONMENTAL DISASTER OF THE DECADE, WE’D WANT A LITTLE BREAK, TOO
A few days after the worst oil spill in U.S. history, BP Chief Executive Tony Hayward complained that he wanted his life back.
BUT HE SWEARS HE’LL STOP AT BEHEADINGS
Insurance Commissioner Steve Poizner said if he were governor he’d give the National Guard live ammunition to shoot at immigrants on the border.
AFTER ALL, IF THEY’RE NOT IN AN AIRPLANE, THEY CAN’T DO ANY DAMAGE
GOP Senate candidate Carly Fiorina said that people on the federal no-fly list should have the right to own guns.
OOH, WHEN YOU TALK TOUGH LIKE THAT YOU ALMOST SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO COULD STAND UP TO THE REPUBLICANS. OR MAYBE NOT
President Obama asked whose ass he should kick at BP.
IT’S OKAY, THOUGH, AS LONG AS THEY WEREN’T ENGAGING IN ANY SELFISH ACTS
Staffers at the Securities and Exchange Commission got caught spending as much as eight hours a day downloading porn at the office.
AND SOMETIMES GOP CANDIDATES ARE NITWITS
Nevada GOP Senate candidate Sharron Angle praised Chilean dictator Augusto Pinochet for his efforts to privatize that country’s retirement system, saying “sometimes dictators have good ideas.”
YEAH, COME ON, WHY CAN’T YOU LOOK AT THE BRIGHT SIDE OF THINGS?
Sharron Angle said that women who have become pregnant as the result of rape or incest should “turn lemons into lemonade.”
DAMN GUMMINT TRYING TO INTERFERE WITH PRIVATE BIDNESS
GOP Congressman Joe Barton of Texas apologized to BP for a White House “shakedown.”
YES, AS A MATTER OF FACT I DO OWN THE WHOLE GODDAM SCHOOL
Meg Whitman’s son threw softball equipment over a fence to kick a group of computer science and physics students off the Princeton rugby field.
NICE, SINCE THOSE GROUPS ALL GOT ALONG SO WELL
GOP Senate candidate Chuck DeVore compared Palestinian activists to Nazis, Fascists, and Communists.
AND OF COURSE, THAT WORKS SO WELL WITH MODERN MANAGED CARE
Nevada banned chicken costumes from the polls after Nevada Senate candidate Sue Lowden said that people should barter with doctors for health care the way “our grandparents would bring a chicken to the doctor.”
ANOTHER GREAT MOMENT IN THEOLOGY FROM THE MAN WHO BROUGHT YOU THE PEDOPHILE PRIEST COVER UP
Pope Benedict said it was okay for male prostitutes to wear condoms.
SO HE’S GOT THAT GOING FOR HIM. WHICH IS NICE
Formerly classified State Department cables revealed that the premier of Korea is still an excellent drinker.
ACTUALLY, THEY TOOK ONE LOOK AT THE TEA PARTY AND DECIDED THEY WERE BETTER OFF AS THEY ARE
Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell said that evolution was a myth; after all, she wondered, “why aren’t monkeys still evolving into humans?”
THE CHURCH HAS ALWAYS BEEN KNOWN FOR ITS SENSE OF PERSPECTIVE
The Vatican announced that the ordination of women and the abuse of children were both “grave crimes.”
THAT’S OKAY, IT WILL LOOK GOOD ON HIS RESUME
Gavin Newsom decided to run for lieutenant governor after saying he didn’t know what the job was.
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK, CIA EDITION
The United States held high-level negotiations with a supposedly senior Taliban operative who turned out to be a Pakistani shopkeeper.
BUT WAIT — HOW WILL WE KNOW IF WE’RE SUPPOSED TO WORRY OR NOT?
The Department of Homeland Security abandoned color-coded safety alerts.
THE INTELLIGENCE AND CULTURAL TASTE OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE IS SIMPLY STAGGERING
Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, made it to the final round of Dancing with the Stars.
WHICH MAKES HIM ENTIRELY QUALIFIED TO SERVE AS A REPUBLICAN POLITICIAN
Dan Quayle’s son ran for Congress in Arizona and admitted that he had been posting on “dirty Scottsdale” under the name of Brock Landers, a sidekick to porn star Dirk Diggler.
IS HE ONE OF THE NAZI FASCIST COMMUNISTS, TOO?
Rand Paul said Obama’s criticism of BP was “un-American.”
WAIT — WAS THAT A BROWN ALERT?
The California Highway Patrol shut down its South Lake Tahoe office after officers found an anal vibrator and thought it was a bomb.
HONESTY IS JUST PART OF THE PROCESS OF RECOVERY
Tiger Woods admitted that he sucked.
EXCEPT THAT IT MOSTLY BENEFITS THE INSURANCE INDUSTRY
Vice President Joe Biden called the health reform bill “a big fucking deal.”
IT’S THOSE CUTE WOODEN SHOES, YOU SEE
NATO Commander John Sheehan said Dutch soldiers were too gay.
DAMN, AND HE’S SUCH AN ATTRACTIVE MAN. I’M SURE THE TSA FOLKS WERE REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT
John Tyner told Transportation Security Administration officials in San Diego that if “you touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested.”
AND HE WASN’T EVEN TALKING ABOUT HER
Sarah Palin demanded that Rahm Emanuel apologize for using the term “fucking retarded.”
SINCE WE ALL KNOW THOSE PEOPLE DON’T KNOW HOW TO SPEAK IN PUBLIC
MSNBC Host Chris Matthews was so excited by an Obama speech that he said he “forgot he was black.”
THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT
Pacific Gas & Electric Co. spent $50 million on a ballot initiative to stop public power, and lost after getting soundly defeated in every county where the utility has customers.
YOU MAY BE PART OF THE FAMILY, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MY POLITICAL CAREER, HONEY, YOU’RE OUT THE DOOR
Meg Whitman fired her housekeeper when she found out she was in the country illegally.
BUT THEY’RE ALIKE ANYWAY, RIGHT?
Sharron Angle defended a campaign ad depicting menacing-looking Hispanic men by telling members of the Hispanic Student Union at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas that many of the members looked Asian.
OF COURSE, SHE SKIPPED THE FIRST FEW AMENDMENTS — BOOORING!
Christine O’Donnell said she couldn’t find anything about the separation of church and state in the Constitution.
BECAUSE IN A FIREFIGHT, THE FIRST THING ANYONE WOULD BE THINKING ABOUT IS HIS SERGEANT’S CUTE ASS
Sen. John McCain said he opposed ending “don’t ask, don’t tell,” talked about all the soldiers and Marines who lost limbs, and said that “when your life is on the line, you don’t want anything distracting.”
SINCE WE ALL KNOW THAT HEALTH INSURANCE MAKES YOUR PEE SMELL FUNNY
Federal judge Henry Hudson asked Obama administration officials whether the new health care plan was similar to forcing all Americans to eat asparagus.
SO IT’S JUST AS WELL THOSE PEOPLE ON THE NO-FLY LIST HAVE THE RIGHT TO KEEP AND BEAR ARMS
Sharron Angle said that the Obama administration’s policies might require “Second Amendment solutions.”
IT’S PERFECTLY FINE FOR HOMOSEXUALS TO ATTEND MARRIAGE CEREMONIES, AS LONG AS THEY’RE JUST THE HIRED HELP
Sir Elton John played at Rush Limbaugh’s wedding.
SURE, GREAT FUN. JUST LIKE SHOOTING YOUR FRIENDS WITH A HUNTING RIFLE
Dick Cheney said he had been a “big supporter of water boarding.”
DAMN, SUPERVISOR, THE OFFIES WILL MISS YOU
Chris Daly vowed to say “fuck” at every single board meeting in 2010.